United States Senator Ben Cardin of Maryland has a nephew in politics! You knew this. But did you know that said nephew, state delegate Jon Cardin, is a tacky dingbat who should probably resign after diverting scarce police resources from MURDER INVESTIGATIONS to his dumb boat for the purpose of scaring his girlfriend into marrying him? MORE »

Screw AIG, they are NOTHING! You know what else you’re paying for with your taxes? Jenna Bush’s Secret Service limousine! Because a full-size sedan is simply not big enough for the crew of one of Jenna’s “Ladies Nights” at the Baltimore bars. And now a website reports that Jenna’s Secret Service limo has been booted ‘n’ towed for not ever paying any of its many parking tickets. Guess Jenna will have to drunk-drive her scooter all alone now. [Investigative Voice]

Well, that’s that: The only places you can now smoke in Virgina are on private property, in the outdoors, and in sin. [DC Examiner] MORE »

Sonar’s Taxlo Dance Party is on this Friday, featuring one hell of a lineup: music from Atlanta-based DJ-of-the-moment, Treasure Fingers and a live performance from Blaqstarr, who collaborates with the likes of Diplo and MIA. MORE »

Good christ, how do you like this Economy — especially all you poor doomed media people? But at least “New Deal” Washington is immune to the national media meltdown, right? Not so much. Join us for what will probably be a not-fun new feature about Washington metro publications and journalists getting the axe. What should we call it? Ah, how about “Blood on the Snow,” as tribute to the Father of Our District’s famous remarks about all the poor dumb shoeless Revolutionary War soldiers who died under his command, in wintertime. MORE »

These toilets were anxious to get out of town this morning before they were forcibly conscripted into acting as poop receptacles for the two MILLION inauguration-going, be-fanny-packed out-of-towners who went to Chili’s last night, but they missed the 6:30 train out of Baltimore Penn Station. Now they are doomed. Pray for them.

Photo courtesy of famed sanitation-box portrait artist Josh Fruhlinger. Send in your own photos of objects or humans in or around DC today to tips@wonkette.com.

The fiendishly clever President-elect will be taking a train to Washington the week before his inauguration because he caught a whiff of the shit-storm that greets any well-known figure who dares to ride an airplane into our nation’s capital. Barry said, “No thanks, I will just kick it on the train with my good friend the Amtrak whore Joe Biden,” and VOILA, our nation’s railways were saved forever from bankruptcy and neglect. MORE »

Newlywed first daughter “Jenna Bush Hager” of course has been dragged to Baltimore to live with her elitist husband, Henry. What kind of fun does Baltimore offer for the upper crust of society? A bar, a bar, a bar, thank god, a bar: “South Baltimore newbie Jenna Bush seems to have settled on a watering hole she likes: Regi’s American Bistro in Federal Hill. I hear she’s been in several times, including Wednesday, when she was spotted with six girlfriends. All looked very ‘Texas,’ says my spy. ‘Hair all polished up and little fancy outfits.’ A guy who answered the phone at the pub confirmed that Dubya’s daughter had been in before. Pressed for details, he would only say this much: ‘She was there. I just saw her.’” The food looks really good at Jenna’s bar! Too bad she’ll never try any of it. [Baltimore Sun via Inside Charm City]

COUNTDOWN TO NUPTIAL BLISS:“Could the last picture in Jenna’s unofficial wedding album be a study in normal American life? Maybe not. Her husband’s Baltimore job will be with an electric utility company that dumped 8bn pounds of polluted fly ash into the ground, contaminating drinking water for hundreds of nearby families.” [Guardian]

If you live in a row house connected to the row house of chain-smoking Baltimore Examiner editor Frank Keegan and so much cigarette smoke is seeping into your house that your kids are choking on the fumes, it’s probably not a good idea to pound on Keegan’s door yelling about the problem as the paramedics treat your daughter, because Keegan will (allegedly) pull a shotgun on your entire family. MORE »

* Who hasn’t wondered what goes on inside the elusive McFadden’s? An outsider tells the grim tale: “Again, bumping and grinding on a bar is a personal choice, and I do not begrudge these women the opportunity to do whatever makes them happy. Just because it’s not for me, doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.” [hey pretty]
* Can’t find the single men in Washington? Try Chipotle or New York. [Good at Drinking, Bad at Life]
* Baltimore residents get $2,000 for buying a home near their place of employment. [urban trekker]
* Local blogger happy hour tomorrow night at The Front Page. Don’t go unless you are prepared to discuss the confusing, Wheel of Fortune-esque Best DC Blog. [ArJewTino]
* Farmer’s market possibly coming to R Street between 1st and Florida. [In Shaw]

Friday MORE »

If you were unlucky enough to be at BWI this morning, you know the Southwest terminals were evacuated and hundreds of people missed their flights and it was the usual terror insanity. Here’s what (allegedly) happened: A passenger had a loaded handgun in his carryon, which he wisely put through the TSA X-ray machine. MORE »