Tag Archives: balls

  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Why Are Conservatives Sending John Boehner Their Balls? (Video)

Rachel Maddow channels the Church Lady
About five years back, conservatives were really excited about mailing tea bags to members of Congress, to send an important message about tea, and liberty, and resisting tyranny. It was a Huge Success! And while no other campaign to send awkwardly shaped objects to Congress ever caught on quite as broadly, it’s still a favorite technique, because it’s fun and interactive and Sends A Message. Which is why Redstate blogger Erick, Son of Erick is encouraging his readers to send John Boehner some balls, haw haw, because Boehner is such a wimp for refusing to see why shutting down the government is such an excellent idea. Government funding runs out on Thursday, and the conservative base would love nothing more than to shut the whole thing down, because then Barack Obama’s executive action on immigration would definitely absolutely go away forever, just like last year’s government shutdown ended Obamacare. Read more on Morning Maddow: Why Are Conservatives Sending John Boehner Their Balls? (Video)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government

Get it? 'Going up'? Look, they can't all be inspired. -- The Maddow graphics team.
Hey, look! Turns out the economy’s doing pretty well, what with yet another good jobs report and some pretty nice economic growth charts for Democratic presidents — even that Obama fellow, except of course for that unpleasantness in 2009 that started under some other guy: 2014 has seen more jobs created than in any year since 1999, which seems like a pretty compelling reason to fire all the Democrats in Congress last month. But despite their electoral gain, Republicans seem pretty confused about what to do next — so as they are traditionally required to, they are going to war with each other. Read more on Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government…
  having a ball

Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles

Oh man, guys, this Cliven Bundy thing is getting out of control. Despite his blatant racism and strong desire for the government to keep their hands off his welfare cattle, Cliven Bundy STILL has supporters. And not only do they support Bundy being a total moocher, they HATE Harry Reid. And now, these ‘domestic terrorists’ have gone one step too far: They have threatened Harry Reid’s wrinkly, hairy old-man yarbles. NOT HIS YARBLES!!1! Per Mediaite: [Mike] Vanderboegh presented an award “for incitement to civil war” in Reid’s honor and warned the senator, “Don’t poke the wolverine with a sharp stick, Harry, unless you want your balls ripped off.” We are asking Wonketeers to take one of two actions: Either send Harry Reid wolverine-resistant jock straps, or donate to the Wonket Fund To Protect Harry Reid’s Wrinkly Old-Man Nutsack (Suggested donation: $2, one for each yarble).  Read more on Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles…
  2014: year of the testicle ad

Delightful Iowa Senate Candidate Promises To Shoot Your Balls Off

Bob Quast is a man who has experienced tragedy. We don’t just mean he has been victimized by having to pay taxes, we mean that he experienced a real, honest-to-god horrifying loss: his sister was murdered in 1999 by her husband after years of abuse. We aren’t entirely sure, however, that this campaign ad — he’s running a hasn’t-got-a chance independent campaign for retiring Sen. Tom Harkin’s seat — shows a man who has adjusted especially well to that tragedy. Maybe it’s just us — we can certainly understand that grief is an honorable reason to enter politics and to try to make a change, but on the other hand, if we lost someone in a horrific crime of domestic violence, we aren’t sure we’d try to turn that into a joke about shooting people’s balls off. And no, thanks, we would prefer not to walk any distance in Mr. Quast’s shoes. If the ad itself weren’t creepy enough, consider this description Quast emailed to the Des Moines Register: “My new video truly addresses issues in Iowa while retaining a sense of humor.” Well, then! Glad to see that he can see the lighter side of gun-fueled revenge fantasies. Read more on Delightful Iowa Senate Candidate Promises To Shoot Your Balls Off…
  clipbait

Hog-Castrating Senate Candidate: Stephen Colbert Brings You Every Possible Testicle Joke

Without a Todd Aiken, a Christine O’Donnell, or a Sharron Angle this time around, Iowa Senate candidate Joni Ernst and her cheerful ad about castrating hogs and politicians are just about the best thing to happen to the 2014 campaign so far. So here’s Stephen Colbert with almost all the possible ball-cutting-off jokes in the world. Is the segment juvenile and snickering? You bet your sweet ass it is — and we wouldn’t expect anything less. Read more on Hog-Castrating Senate Candidate: Stephen Colbert Brings You Every Possible Testicle Joke…
  creature features

Hunky Dory Life On Mars: Your Weekly Sci-Blog!

Hello Mammals! It’s time once again, for reasons that no one can properly explain, that Your Wonkette presents yet  another fascinating, illuminating and disturbing Sci-Blog. Take off your pants and come on in! Expectations for the discovery of life on Mars have fallen over the hundreds of years that Humans have been observing the planet. H. G. Wells and Edgar Rice Burroughs imagined a dying desert world where advanced alien intelligences crafted massive geoengineering projects and plotted interplanetary invasion. After more powerful telescopes were developed in the ’40s and ’50s, we realized that Shaparelli’s Canali, popularized in Percival Lowell’s books, were optical illusions and Mars’s atmosphere was far thinner and more inhospitable than we thought. Read more on Hunky Dory Life On Mars: Your Weekly Sci-Blog!…
  ow her balls

Condoleezza Rice Now Smacking People In The Face With Her Balls

World’s greatest living Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who absolutely could not have known anyone would ever use an airplane as a missile, and who could not have known Saddam was not seeking yellowcake in Niger, and who could never have been blamed for Manolo-shopping while a city drowned, has now taken her reign of terror to people personally. Standing on the steep hill for a blind approach shot on the sixth, Rice hit a hybrid that sent the ball into the left side of the gallery about 50 feet away — and nowhere near the green more than 150 feet to the right. The ball struck a spectator on her forehead, which gushed with blood and sent her to the ground to recover. The woman wept in pain while her daughter applied towels and medical personnel hustled over. Rice apologized to the woman and had an assistant get her phone number. Read more on Condoleezza Rice Now Smacking People In The Face With Her Balls…
  welcome to the jungle

Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons

If there is one thing you will learn from the workplace accident documentary Extract, it is that losing one ball is the sweet spot in any work-injury claim. Lose both, and the jury can’t identify with you, as they themselves would never — could never — be similarly unmanned. Lose neither, and why are they giving you money again? But lose one, and you are still a man, just barely, your masculinity hanging by a delicate thread. But what if you have both nuts extant, but they have been fried beyond redemption by gamma rays from Mars or whatever because some insane billionaire Newt Gingrich backer insists you x-ray his mail and that lead aprons are for pussies? Well, some stupid peons are trying to find out! Read more on Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons…
  the next diane arbus

Congratulations, Your ‘I’m With Mitt’ Photos Are Shameful Filth

Whoops, it turns out that when you wheedle your Editrix into doing a Wonkette contest she expects you to judge the contest! What a meanie. Because your Comics Curmudgeon does not like saying no to people or making them feel bad! And lots of you submitted funny Mitt Romney I’m With Mitt Instagram iPhone Photos Of Hilarity, and we would love to showcase them all but there were too many so we picked seven. One was from heroine reader “MissTaken,” showing that birth control is a liberal lie because she used all those ABORTION TOOLS in the picture but still ended up a Mom For Mitt anyway. What are the other six pictures, and will any of them feature testicles? Find out after the jump! (SPOILER: Yes, of course there will be testicles.) Read more on Congratulations, Your ‘I’m With Mitt’ Photos Are Shameful Filth…
  blue balls

Glenn Beck’s Fanzine Criticizes Obama For Stealing Glenn’s Chalkboard

America needs blue balls, not red balls, according to this new video the White House put up today featuring new Obama economic bro Austan Goolsbee. According to their blog, this whiteboard video approach is something they’re going to do from now on, because Americans are dumb and visual aids are the only thing they can understand. The Blaze, which is basically just an Internet treehouse of children who tell stories about how cool Glenn Beck is, saw this and decided this was STOLED from Glenn Beck, who uses a chalkboard, which is a similar kind of board. Read more on Glenn Beck’s Fanzine Criticizes Obama For Stealing Glenn’s Chalkboard…
  teabagging is no laughing matter

Cooper Is Sorry For Scrotally Explicit Remarks

Remember that time like a month ago when a bunch of angry wingnuts revolted against our new socialist government regime by publicly performing sex acts involving human balls? On that sacred occasion Anderson Cooper made some silly crack about how hard it is to talk when you’re teabagging, which was OFFENSIVE, and this past Sunday he had to tell an audience at UCLA that he didn’t mean to “disparage legitimate protests.” Millions of teabaggers mourned that he wouldn’t stand up for them and their deviant sexual practices. Anderson Cooper is no Edward R. Murrow, that’s for sure. [TVNewser] Read more on Cooper Is Sorry For Scrotally Explicit Remarks…
  pornographic emails

Shameless Exhibitionist Republicans To Showcase Their ‘Tea Bags’ On National Television

Ha ha, gross! We got this email about some teabagging orgy that’s happening at the Treasury Department and at Lafayette Park this Wednesday. “Major Media” may cover this repulsive event, so that Americans from the liberal East Coast to the liberal West Coast may witness the horror of a million Republican teabags bobbling around in public. Read more on Shameless Exhibitionist Republicans To Showcase Their ‘Tea Bags’ On National Television…
  just a great clip here

Fox News: Ha Ha, The Monkey Has A Blue Scrotum, Ha Ha, LIKE ERIC HOLDER

Fox News lady: “I’ve got a picture of what the monkey would look like — we’re waiting for some live video of the search to come in — and it’s my screensaver now, Jim… I want you to take a look at that, that’s what we’re dealing with, that’s what they can look like when they’re upset. They’re known because the males have bright blue scrotums.” One minute later, John Gibson: Eric Holder has a bright blue scrotum, haw haw haw. [YouTube] Read more on Fox News: Ha Ha, The Monkey Has A Blue Scrotum, Ha Ha, LIKE ERIC HOLDER…
  media censorship

News Anchors Cannot Say ‘Nuts’ On Air, Hilarity Ensues

So yeah, apparently the Hays code or whatever prevents you from saying “nuts” on the teevee unless you mean “crazy” or “consumable food items that come in shells.” So if you are Wolf Blitzer, you rattle on about the horrifying crudity of a particular phrase that Jesse Jackson uttered, and then you make all your guests kind of stumble around awkwardly about “things only a man would have,” so that Americans everywhere turn to each other and ask, “Is he talking about cum rags?” [236.com] Read more on News Anchors Cannot Say ‘Nuts’ On Air, Hilarity Ensues…
  secrets

Oh Good God Jesse Jackson, This Might Be Rich

OK, we’re *starting* to get a basic idea of what Jesse Jackson said, to a hidden microphone, about Barack Obama today. Here’s his paraphrase in an interview with CNN (the actual footage will be shown in full on Fox News — of course — at 8 p.m. tonight): “That the senator was cutting off his, you know whats, with black people and black church.” Please leave your guesses for “you know whats” in the comments (as if you needed to be urged). We’re going to go with “hotcakes.” No: “flapjacks.” NO EVEN BETTER YET — “VAGINAS.” HE’S CUTTING OFF HIS VAG-ES WITH THE BLACKS. Read more on Oh Good God Jesse Jackson, This Might Be Rich…