Tag Archives: bain capital

  literally

Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager

The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-“right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency manager to gut pensions restructure the city’s finances. Emergency management is a pretty severe budget-cutting process but Detroit is in such bad shape that even the guy who runs something called michiganliberal.com is like: Yeah, Detroit kind of needs this pain. Which is true because Detroit has been on the brink of running out of cash for the better part of a year, but it’s also one of those things where what did people expect? When a region of 4.4 million people literally concentrates its poverty and abandonment in a city of 700,000 (with an ever-shrinking middle-class population, fed up with a municipality with both high taxes and poor public services) things can only end badly. But why wallow in these big issues of “good governance” and “regionalism” when we can speculate who Snyder will select as Detroit’s very own Chris Traeger? Even national pundits like Charles Lane and David Weigel are getting into it. On “Fox News Sunday,” Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane suggested the former GOP presidential nominee and turnaround expert at private equity firm Bain Capital should get the job of turning Detroit around. “You do see that Mitt Romney is a person with a lot of ability and a lot of energy. Who still has got a lot to contribute, and, you know, his hometown of Detroit, right now, has just been put into state receivership or it’s about to be,” Lane said. “I wonder if there is no role for him in the restructuring of Detroit. He’d be the perfect person to do it. He has got the expertise, he’s a hometown guy, and he is a kind of a political free agent at this point. That is the kind of thing that he could, I think, contribute in the future.” Last week, Dave Weigel writing in a piece for the online magazine Slate titled “Give Detroit to Mitt Romney,” first suggested the move. This is a terrible idea and not just because Mittens is an insufferably entitled twit with no experience with municipal finance. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager…
  quiet rooms

Matt Taibbi Explains Why You Should Hate Mitt Romney Even More Than You May Have Hated Him Yesterday

Hello, Matt Taibbi, how are you making us hate Mitt Romney even more today than we did, say, yesterday (which is saying a lot since we had to sit through his forty minute speech about himself yesterday and also a slide show about him and his kids, blagh). But as you will soon discover, making us hate Mitt Romney even more isn’t terribly difficult! You just begin by explaining the nuts and bolts of how Bain Capital destroyed several companies by loading them up with debt, and then you go into detail about how Bain partners made tons of money, much of it off government “handouts” even while laying off thousands of workers, and then you top it all off by pointing out that political and financial journalists have been unwilling or unable to explain any of this to the American public. Thank you, Matt Taibbi, for exposing not only the incompetence of the American pundit class, but also the features–rather than bugs–of the corporate tax code that allow people like Mitt Romney and Incorporated Americans like Bain Capital to happen to all of us. Read more on Matt Taibbi Explains Why You Should Hate Mitt Romney Even More Than You May Have Hated Him Yesterday…
  quiet rooms

Wonkette’s Guide to Gawker’s Bain Super Scooper, Pt. II

Hello Wonketteers, by now you have probably realized that Gawker released 950 pages of Bain Capital records, and that this is either very important or a waste of everyone’s time, depending on whom you ask. WHICH IS IT? IS IT IMPORTANT OR IS IT A WASTE OF TIME? And also, what is a total return equity swap, and why should you care? And how did Romney manage to give $100,000,000 to his heirs without paying taxes on any of it? These are very pressing and important questions, and it is your lucky day because the answers are contained herein. Behold, Part 2 of Wonkette’s guide to the Gawker Super Scooper, where all questions will be answered and all doubts will be assuaged. Read more on Wonkette’s Guide to Gawker’s Bain Super Scooper, Pt. II…
  quiet rooms

Wonkette’s Guide to Gawker’s Scooper-Duper Bain Capital Documents, Pt. 1

It was so kind of person or persons unknown to give 950 pages of Bain Capital records to Gawker, exposing (among other things) Mitt Romney’s financial portfolio, and tax avoidance strategies employed by Bain. BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? It could mean a lot! Or nothing! There is so much information, and it is so complicated, so you are probably confused and maybe even angry, but do not panic, your Wonkette is here to help! Read more on Wonkette’s Guide to Gawker’s Scooper-Duper Bain Capital Documents, Pt. 1…
  mitt romney actually did build that

Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today

Mitt Romney has taken to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal to share with you a children’s story about How Mitt Romney Saved Capitalism. This is in preparation for the upcoming sequel, Mitt Romney Saves Everything In The World And Paul Ryan Is Here, Too. The back-to-school season is here, and as parents take their children to shop for school supplies, I suspect that many of them will be visiting a Staples store. I’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. The firm succeeded by growing and fixing companies. Do you know that pencil you use to write down your maths? The eraser you use to hide your shameful mistakes because under Obamunism you do not know your numbers? Mitt Romney gave you that power. It is his power. A question before we continue: why does Mitt Romney write like a nervous high schooler writing for an essay competition? “I’m very familiar with these stores”? Is this some fucking novel revelation because you are fifteen years old and the most exciting thing you’ve ever done in your life is hugged a girl for a really long time behind an RV on your family vacation? Read more on Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today…
  ooh a rumor to spread

Hot Blog Rumor: Maybe One of Those Huntsman Boys Gabbed To Harry Reid About Romney’s Taxes

The Internet is rapidly zeroing in on the identity of Harry Reid’s source, the one who was like “oh yeah Harry, that guy, Romney, no taxes from that guy,” which Harry Reid reiterated on the Senate floor, destroying any semblance of what had previously been a sense of good faith and comity between the two parties in the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body. After a couple of weeks, Kos and Cannonfire nosed around a bit and found themselves with a lead: Oh, duh, it’s probably someone from the other rich Mormon political family that owns the other half of Utah, the Huntsmans — Jon Jr. and pop Jon Sr. They’re not the first to surmise that Reid’s source came from within powerful Mormon circles, where secrets do not appear to be safely kept. But they are the first to google around for a few more nuggets of circumstantial evidence and crap it out into a blog post, because why not? Read more on Hot Blog Rumor: Maybe One of Those Huntsman Boys Gabbed To Harry Reid About Romney’s Taxes…
  now that's a death panel

Mitt Romney Just Delighted To Wave Around His Blood-Soaked Death Squad Dollars

So, you know this picture? Wonkette editor Kris E. Benson likes to run it a lot. You’ve seen it 50 times maybe. Or 500, who knows? (Personally, our Romney-pic go-to is romneyapplauds.jpg.) So it turns out this picture is of Romney and pals celebrating their initial funding. And since Your Wonkette is like the Sesame Street of unspeakable atrocities, we learned something about this initial funding just yesterday! What was that something? Just the small matter that Bain Capital’s initial startup money came from the backers (and sometimes the fronters!) of El Salvador’s death squads. Oh pooh, you say, nobody but stupid commies cares about Latin American death squads. (And nuns. Nuns care a lot. So like we said, nobody but stupid commies cares about Latin American death squads.) Read more on Mitt Romney Just Delighted To Wave Around His Blood-Soaked Death Squad Dollars…
  no apologies

Mitt Romney More Reaganesque Than Previously Realized

Reaganesque? Ol’ Mittens? The Man With the Golden Tongue? Sure, he’s got the hair, and the complete lack of devotion to anything resembling fact or verifiable truth, but really, Reaganesque? Yes, Mitt Romney is “Reaganesque,” by which we mean “balls-deep in murdering nuns and Latin American death squads.” Read more on Mitt Romney More Reaganesque Than Previously Realized…
  that smarts

Here Are Some Hot Young People Laughing At Mitt Romney, For You To Fap To

It has been a No Good Terrible Horrible Very Bad Week for Mittens Romney, His Lord High Hairgel. So he lied about some stuff (every “stuff”), so what who cares? No, way more important is the hotness of these young people the Obama campaign pulled off the street, to read his lordship’s statement on Batman supervillain “Bain.” Read more on Here Are Some Hot Young People Laughing At Mitt Romney, For You To Fap To…
  arch emperor for life of all bains

By ‘Left Bain’ Mitt Romney Actually Meant ‘Continued To Run/Own 100% Of/Chair Bain For Years’

The Boston Globe has a fantastic story today about Mitt Romney, the local candidate. Romney has long claimed that he left Bain Capital in 1999, shortly before the firm unleashed a particularly sharp, blood-soaked assault on American jobs, to take up his new job as an Olympics Saver. And yet documents that Bain later filed with the SEC — and savvy cats know that you can tell those dopes anything — say that “he remained the firm’s ‘sole stockholder, chairman of the board, chief executive officer, and president'” for, oh, another three years. Were you aware of this, stockholders? Did you know about all of this papery play-governance going on behind your backs? No, you didn’t, because you didn’t exist, since Romney “still owned 100 percent of Bain Capital in 2002.” Read more on By ‘Left Bain’ Mitt Romney Actually Meant ‘Continued To Run/Own 100% Of/Chair Bain For Years’…
  what's good for the syndicate is good for america

Romney Camp Outraged That Journalists Covering Him

Have you been paying attention to the controversy caused by the Washington Post’s article on Mitt Romney’s venture capitalism firm Bain Capital? Probably not because you, like so many other Americans, can’t stand reading about Mitt Romney due to his general awfulness. So your Wonkette will fill you in on the details: what happened was that Tom Hamburger of the Washington Post wrote a story last week about Bain Capital and how it invested companies that created jobs in places like India and China and Singapore while creatively destroying jobs in the U.S. The Romney campaign reacted by demanding that the Washington Post retract the article, because Mitt is a JOB CREATOR and deserves unquestioning fealty. Sadly, the Post did not agree. Read more on Romney Camp Outraged That Journalists Covering Him…
  rumors on the internets

Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon

Today, people are re-thinking same-sex marriage and moon bases, and selling off movie theaters. Wait, what? Is this the future? Where’s my jetpack? Same-sex marriage opposition has dropped significantly since the President spoke in favor of it. Oh, so if the President jumped off a cliff, would you too? [Washington Post] Read more on Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon… Read more on Let’s All Get Gay Married On A Base On The Moon…
  das kapital

Jennifer Rubin Opens Yap

Does Barack Obama understand capitalism? This is a legitimate question that Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post would like answered, given that Obama is a Socialist bully who uses intemperate language and who is NEVER EVER THERE for America’s bff Israel and MIGHT take powers granted to him by Obamacare to legislate “new and previously unimaginable infringements on individual liberty and decimating the federal structure of our government.“ His recent attacks on poor, defenseless Bain Capital can only mean one thing: Obama does not understand Capitalism, because duh. …[Bain’s] “brand” of capitalism is capitalism, and in its undiluted state does create hardship, but nothing in comparison to the amount of suffering inherent in other, less successful economic models. Two points should be kept in mind. First, we don’t have undiluted capitalism precisely because, while capitalism is the greatest wealth-creator the world has ever known (I think Obama even said this), we don’t as a compassionate society want undue suffering in the short term. Hence, we have unemployment insurance and an array of social safety-net programs. Look, do you want to live in “other, less successful economic models” — like the kind of social democracy they have in Sweden, where everyone has free health care and education and paid maternity leave? DO YOU? Do you EVEN KNOW what kind of freedom and liberty you’d lose? And the suffering, my god, the suffering. Because nothing compares to the amount of suffering you see amongst those Swedish commie socialist pinkos, not even the minimal amount of suffering you might see in undiluted capitalism, which we don’t even HAVE. Read more on Jennifer Rubin Opens Yap…
  name rank and serial number

Call Off Your Dogs, Twitter: Cory Booker Evolves On ‘Nauseating’ Attacks On Romney’s Record At Bain

You did it, Twitter! You got superhero Newark Mayor Cory Booker to retract and correct his Sunday Meet the Press statement that examining His Lord High Hairgel’s record at Bain was “nauseating” and “vilifying private equity.” Yay YOU! After the jump, BOOKER’s hostage video. It’s nice! Read more on Call Off Your Dogs, Twitter: Cory Booker Evolves On ‘Nauseating’ Attacks On Romney’s Record At Bain…
  The Pain In Bain

Romney Firm Too Busy Firing People For Not Being Mormon To Create Those Jobs He Keeps Talking About

What kind of underwear do you have on? Are they magical? No? Outta here! Bain Capital, a job creating powerhouse established by America’s number one job creator Mitt Romney, is being sued by a group of people that claim they were fired for not being part of the Mormon church (LDS). This rogue group of secular sweat hogs were threatening the very foundation of ethics and morals Bain was built on. It was time to call out Romney Rooter and snake out these infiltrators of normalcy and make sure that the pains in Bain go mainly down the drain. Read more on Romney Firm Too Busy Firing People For Not Being Mormon To Create Those Jobs He Keeps Talking About…
  leona helmsley would be so proud

Up To $33 Million Of Romney’s Zillions May Be Hidden In Offshore Tax Havens

Insipid rich dweeb Mitt Romney is facing even more impertinent questioning about his infinite investments, and the answers may surprise you — if you just landed on Earth and then decided to jump off a stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Seems ol’ Mitt is allegedly using every rich dude trick in the book (written by rich dudes) to pay as little in taxes as possible. Not really a problem, if you’re gainfully employed at the Arby’s in Duluth and just click on whatever TurboTax tells you to. Gainfully employed? Manual clicking? That doesn’t sound like our Mitt now, does it? Read more on Up To $33 Million Of Romney’s Zillions May Be Hidden In Offshore Tax Havens…