bailout
Former CEO of Merrill Lynch Has Some Very Pressing Questions About His Executive Pay
It’s 2008, and some of the Brightest Minds in the nation have gathered at our nation’s capital order to prevent global economic collapse. The bankers arrive, and they immediately begin asking what they can do to help the country’s homeowners, many of whom will soon find themselves facing foreclosure. Ha! Ha! Ha! No, stupid, they [...]
Jamie Dimon Doesn’t Need No Regulations, Says Jamie Dimon
Remember that whole thing a few years ago, something about how the banks ruined the housing industry, your employment prospects, your children’s employment prospects, and the entire country, really, and in turn got billions of dollars from the taxpayers and continue to rake enormous bonuses and pretty much set the economic policy of the entire [...]
The AIG Bailout Was All A Dirty Trick To Spread Sharia
Now here’s one we hadn’t heard before, which hardly means it’s never been said: The AIG bailout was a means of conning the American taxpayer into supporting Sharia! Go ahead and laugh, this was only said by some random nutball — namely Jerry Boykin, a former high-ranking military and Defense Department intelligence division official.
Evil Bank of America Crippled By People Closing Their Accounts
For six days straight, Bank of America’s websites have been hammered. Across this struggling nation, people couldn’t get online to pay their bills or attempt to balance their shrinking balances. BofA offered no explanation for this, for six long days as its customers tried to access their financial accounts immediately after BofA announced an evil [...]
Does California Really Need a Bailout? (No. California Actually Bails Out America)
Here’s a cheery financial column that finally shuts up all the National Review idiots who only take masturbating-to-Reagan breaks long enough to type blog posts about how California will need a “Greek bailout” or whatever: “Are wealth creators fleeing? I keep hearing this. Did Apple Inc. and Google Inc. just relocate to Oklahoma? Is Twitter [...]
Henry Paulson Has A Protein Spill, And Say Goodbye To Snail Mail
Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, [...]
Leftovers From March 2009: Hey, It’s The Bailout Song!
Watch this it’s a great video! Bailout Bailout SHA NA NA NA NA, yay! How did we discover this terrible Internet video? The performers here, the Rivoli Revue — “of ‘Press One For English’ fame” — are of course part of a much larger conspiracy to burn America to the ground, later this summer.
Everybody Knew About The AIG Bonus Problem But Nobody Cared To Fix It
Hey remember just like a couple months ago when everybody was so angry over the AIG bonuses? Get ready to be outraged all over again because duh, of course a whole bunch of people knew these bonuses were going to be awarded and they did nothing to stop it because they were too busy saving [...]
Huge New Job Losses Send Stocks Soaring!
It’s another new new unemployment record, America! The happy month of March saw 669,000 U.S. jobs vanish, bringing the jobless rate up to 8.5% — the highest since the end of Reagan’s Lil’ Depression at the end of 1982. About 5 million jobs have now been lost in this current Great Recession. And stocks are [...]
Czech Government Collapses Because U.S. Bailout Is ‘Way To Hell’
The Czech government collapsed, which means current prime minister — and current president of the European Union, whoops! — Mirek Topolanek is now powerless and will soon be jobless, but that doesn’t mean he can’t deliver an apocalyptically Slavic-ly gloomy sermon against the United States and its terrible bailout plan, which is just like the [...]
ABOUT FRIGGING TIME: The delightfully named Finger Interests Number One Ltd. is trying to persuade other Bank of America shareholders to get rid of Ken Lewis and two other people on the bank’s board of directors. Imagine that! Imagine throwing out the terrible bums who just dropped their trousers and peed all over their shareholders [...]
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