Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, the obvious exception being KENNY G’S “The Moment,” since that was the Mujahideen’s theme song. But if Nancy is so in love with the TALIBAN, why has she trimmed her beard? Curious gossip mongers want to know … MORE »

Watch this it’s a great video! Bailout Bailout SHA NA NA NA NA, yay! How did we discover this terrible Internet video? The performers here, the Rivoli Revue — “of ‘Press One For English’ fame” — are of course part of a much larger conspiracy to burn America to the ground, later this summer. MORE »

Hey remember just like a couple months ago when everybody was so angry over the AIG bonuses? Get ready to be outraged all over again because duh, of course a whole bunch of people knew these bonuses were going to be awarded and they did nothing to stop it because they were too busy saving the whole financial system from ruin. Bad PR move! MORE »

You look at this little article by an anonymous TARP wife about how she has had to scale back on “important gifts and other necessities,” and comparing the modern banking class’s plight to intellectuals in Maoist China, and you think, wow, good thing the author chose to remain anonymous. Greenwich and environs have not yet managed to scrub the stink off the lawns after the last rabble uprising. MORE »

It’s another new new unemployment record, America! The happy month of March saw 669,000 U.S. jobs vanish, bringing the jobless rate up to 8.5% — the highest since the end of Reagan’s Lil’ Depression at the end of 1982. About 5 million jobs have now been lost in this current Great Recession. And stocks are on fire — the Dow’s over 8,000 again! MORE »

Every time a restaurant in DC opens up, your Wonkette prays that it’s not another lounge-y room with house music, small plates and overpriced drinks. Policy, on U Street, opened last Saturday — and it’s got all this and more. MORE »

The Czech government collapsed, which means current prime minister — and current president of the European Union, whoops! — Mirek Topolanek is now powerless and will soon be jobless, but that doesn’t mean he can’t deliver an apocalyptically Slavic-ly gloomy sermon against the United States and its terrible bailout plan, which is just like the American response to the previous Great Depression, which sort of led to … Hitler? Yes, Hitler. Depression + Czech troubles = Hitler. Works every time. MORE »

ABOUT FRIGGING TIME: The delightfully named Finger Interests Number One Ltd. is trying to persuade other Bank of America shareholders to get rid of Ken Lewis and two other people on the bank’s board of directors. Imagine that! Imagine throwing out the terrible bums who just dropped their trousers and peed all over their shareholders while doing whatever they wanted (making billions of dollars in exchange for running their companies into the ground). It’s certainly more than the government is capable of. Yay Finger Interests. [New York Times]

Populism, hurrah! There are now “Bus Tours of AIG Executives’ Mansions,” in Connecticut. Your tour guide? Chris Dodd, maybe! This will show these wretched villains! Here is the live video. [BoingBoing]

Eek, would you want to be locked in a room getting yelled at by Henry Waxman for hours and hours? Because that is how Tim Geithner got to spend his Monday night, hooray! He has the worst job in America, worse even than those people who clean up murder scenes or give Rush Limbaugh enemas. MORE »

The Washington Post has an extraordinary article today about why Tim Geithner’s press conference to unveil the administration’s bank rescue plan last week seemed to… suck? Is that the word? Well it wasn’t the plan, so much — as best we understood this vague monstrosity, it was something like, “Public private money tax blah blah uhhh force lending guarantee toxic gas blah blah blah uhhhhh TWO TRILLION DOLLARS,” so fair enough — so much as it was Geithner himself, who appeared to have no confidence in himself, the plan, or America. The Post reports that this is probably because he had ditched a different plan a few days earlier, and what you heard at the press conference was just some unreadable gibberish he threw together on the john a few minutes before taking the podium. MORE »