Tag Archives: babies

  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby

The baby probably thought he was screaming anyway.
Put this guy next to the big red nuclear button, everyone! Donald Trump was speaking to some Iowa Republicans at Wartburg College, and there was a baby, and it was crying, and guess what? Trump did not lose his cool. He did not yell. He did not rage. His hair did not shoot right off his head and into neighboring Nebraska, propelled by the smoke coming out of his ears. He didn’t even make fun of the baby! You know why? Because Trump. Trump. TRUMP! Read more on Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby…
  Jump in the pool -- the santorum's fine!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!
Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary: Read more on Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!…
  boneheaded density

Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones

You’d think by now the Republicans would just be trying to figure out how to just take voting rights away from ladies and blahs and browns and homosexxicans rather than pretending that any part of their platform will ever appeal to anybody but angry white straight guys. But, in a testament to an absolutely blinkered level of thick-headedness, Republicans are still trying to win over the very people they loathe. Their latest effort revolves around hoping that if they just yell “women’s health women’shealthWOMEN’SHEALTH” louder and louder and over and over, somehow it will come to mean what they want it to mean, which is to say that it will no longer mean anything about babbies or ‘bortions. Instead, “women’s health” will become synonymous with osteoporosis, which is no doubt the most gripping health problem facing American women. Read more on Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones…
  how is babby amortized?

American Babies Cost Three Times as Much as European Babies, For Freedom

Baby-having time is a time of mixed emotions for most families. This is because they are excited about becoming parents (or becoming parents again, as the case may be), worried about preparing in time for the baby (or babies) and sad about the fact that Americans spend more per baby than just about any industrialized country but get poorer outcomes.  See, American babies cost anywhere from $4,000 to $45,000 for a complication-free delivery, depending on which insurance company you have. Our nephew, for example, cost around $7,000 in copays and $30,000 in hospital bills, making him a very expensive baby who is only appreciating with every doctor visit. Can any of you beat that? Probably, which is sad. Anyway, let’s catch up with this via the New York Times, which  accidentally filed this article in the “Health” section rather than where it really belongs,  the “Money” section: Read more on American Babies Cost Three Times as Much as European Babies, For Freedom…
  eureka

Fox News Commentator: Stop Teen Sluttery by Giving Babies Away

Why is Obama forcing your daughter to take the morning after pill? This is an excellent question, and luckily Fox News commentator Nina Easton has given us several compelling theories which we can break down into two broad themes. These are: 1. Obama thinks his daughters are sluts. 2. Obama thinks other people’s daughters are sluts. (We have not heard anyone bring up the obvious option 3, which is “Michelle Obama is a slut,” but surely she will get around to it.) So, what are we going to do about this epidemic of slutty daughters having abortions with the morning-after pill (which, of course, does not cause abortions?) Duh, this is easy, we will just CELEBRATE TEEN PREGNANCY, to inoculate everyone’s daughters from the “cult of abortion,” problem solved. If only anyone had thought of this earlier! Read more on Fox News Commentator: Stop Teen Sluttery by Giving Babies Away…
  put a ring on it

Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior

Gawd, you people are awful. According to famous women-binding failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney the problem with you selfish dolts is that you simply won’t get married when you’re really young. “Some people could marry, but choose to take more time for themselves,” Romney tells graduates of Southern Virginia University. “Others plan to wait until they’re well into their 30s or 40s before they think about getting married. They’re going to miss so much of living, I’m afraid.” Right? Because Grey’s Anatomy is already into its ninth season. That show won’t last forever. Sure, you’ll probably still be able to watch it on Netflix, but then you’ll binge watch and miss that “so much of living” that comes from substituting mediocre network tv for sex every Thursday night at 9:00 Eastern/8:00 Central. Read more on Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior…
  the coming race snore

Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites

We knew it, you knew it, they knew it, your crazy white great-uncle who forwards you paranoic chain letters in blue 30-point Comic Sans font with neon green background knew it, and now the U.S. Census knows it: The minorities, they’re popping out babies like the dickens, and the flaccid whites can no longer keep up: “Non-Hispanic whites accounted for 49.6 percent of all births in the 12-month period that ended last July, according to Census Bureau data made public on Thursday, while minorities — including Hispanics, blacks, Asians and those of mixed race — reached 50.4 percent, representing a majority for the first time in the country’s history.” Shit. See you all in Singapore! We’ll whiten that joint up in no time. Read more on Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites…
  it's for a good cause

Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.” Read more on Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand…
  where did the bad man touch you?

TSA Simply Cannot Stop Molesting Children and Congressmen

Everyone knows that if you are looking for terrorists, you leave the Mexicans and the babies and the Middle Easterners alone, and you focus instead on the young white men with buzzcuts. That is simply common sense, but since the US of A outlawed common sense when it “stopped” racially profiling, we are just all going to have to continue to suffer together. Like this baby, and this Mexican Congressdude! Does he look like a terrorist? No, he looks like Tom Delay! Read more on TSA Simply Cannot Stop Molesting Children and Congressmen…
  do not pass go. do not collect $200.

Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter

Primpy shitsack “human” “man” John Edwards, who at one point was actually the progressive choice in the 2008 primaries — and Christ, we dodged that bullet — is still putting his penis in the vagina of flakey terrible person Rielle Hunter, and according to the Daily Mail’s regurgitation of the National Enquirer, is possibly open to the idea of making yet another small human with her/the rest of America vomit out its own eyeballs. From the Daily Mail’s cadging of the work of America’s No. 1 John Edwards News Source the Enquirer: Rielle Hunter is reportedly hoping to become pregnant before Edwards’ trial in April, after which he could be sentenced to up to 30 years in jail. GO TO JAIL, JOHN EDWARDS! GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL! Read more on Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter…
  sex ed

Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant

An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s required process for creating new human life forms: Read more on Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant…
  election year betrayals

Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men

One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East — like, say, “Sharia Law” or “American Catholicism” — is that the menfolk don’t like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That’s why there was a predictable outrage over the Obama Administration’s long-planned addition of basic family planning medicine to health insurance coverage. It might seem like reproductive health would naturally be part of what we consider “health insurance coverage,” but that would be a dangerous assumption in a nation where one major political party, the Republicans, is completely based on the ring kissing and worship of an old Nazi child molester in Rome. Read more on Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men…
  flotus files

First Lady Michelle Obama Helps All the Straight Military Families

Performing a nationwide genocide of American fat children can get tiring after a while, because there are just so many of them, and so many things keeping them alive. With this in mind, our FLOTUS has taken a break from broccoli-boarding 4th graders to focus on something equally depressing: the struggles of military families! This “Joining Forces” campaign has our FLOTUS traveling to beautiful American locales like Columbus, Ohio, and Camp Lejeune so she can have mosh pits with Elmo and a Jonas Brother and win all twenty seven wars we are fighting right now. And our FLOTUS is right — it is important to support our military families. Our straight ones, that is. Read more on First Lady Michelle Obama Helps All the Straight Military Families…
  the best of 2011 so far

Steve King: We Can’t Force Babies Who Die In Trash Cans To Buy Insurance

ZIIIIIIIIIING. ZING ZING ZING ZING. Ball’s in your court, Jared Polis. Because there have been babies born in this country to frightened teenage girls, then immediately thrown in the trash can, health care is not interstate commerce, and the federal government cannot regulate it. Game, set, and match! The government officially can’t go up to these dying baby’s trash cans and force them to sign up for medical attention. But this is probably wrong, of course, because what happens in the process of the baby being taken to a landfill? Interstate commerce, probably! We want to die today. May cannot come soon enough. Read more on Steve King: We Can’t Force Babies Who Die In Trash Cans To Buy Insurance…
  ELEANOR HOLMES NORTON is pro-baby snatching

Introducing: The Anti-Baby Snatching Party

When did baby snatching become “the thing,” sort of like yoga? A month ago hardly any babies were being snatched, and then for some reason the government just started snatching all the babies. Read more on Introducing: The Anti-Baby Snatching Party…
  it's morning in america

America Finally Safe From Immigrant Children And Their Immigrant Ways

Yesterday, Senate Republicans — the most sexually secure people in the entire world — filibustered a motion to debate the possibility of maybe repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. You were probably too busy having a ham biscuits parade in honor of Lindsey Graham, but did you hear about that “other” thing Senate Republicans stalled, like true defenders of the Constitution? The (un-American) Dream Act would allow “children of undocumented immigrants to get on a path to citizenship,” and that is just nauseating and makes us want to vomit in our mouths because it is such a bad idea. And now, thanks to the diligence of Senate Republicans, America is finally safe from the gays and the undocumented babies/future 9/11 hijackers. [WaPo] Read more on America Finally Safe From Immigrant Children And Their Immigrant Ways… Read more on America Finally Safe From Immigrant Children And Their Immigrant Ways…
  cartoon violence

The Devil Is In the Cartoon Details

By the Comics CurmudgeonYour cartoon correspondent has been looking at cartoons for Wonkette since roughly the Revolutionary War, during which time political cartoons haven’t changed much. You’d think that a man would burn out seeing endless weeping Statues of Liberty and fat generic Congressmen and “funny” Bush/Obama drawings with big ears. And you’d be right! But every once in a while there is a little grace note in a cartoon that needs to be shared with the world, and that serves as a reminder of the rewards of this comics-mocking gig (other than the chicks, and the money, and the political influence). Read more on The Devil Is In the Cartoon Details…
  our flourishing economy

Recession Makes Americans Kill Pets, Quit Having Kids

Not that you’d notice from the 40 million unemployed “workers” in this country, or the way all the houses in your neighborhood are being abandoned by night, or the miles of empty strip malls on the edge of every doomed American town, but experts in New York and Washington (the only two thriving cities in America, hah!) now say we may be “returning” to the Great Recession because the “recovery” has stalled. Oh noes. We have another theory that’s not very controversial, when you consider the almost daily “downgrades” of previously reported economic figures from the past several quarters: We never got out of recession, and we never will. Also, record numbers of cute puppies are being euthanized at American animal shelters! Read more on Recession Makes Americans Kill Pets, Quit Having Kids…
  shiny ha'pennies for all in celebration

POSH-PONCE DAVID CAMERON SIRES PREEMIE PRINCESS: U.K. Prime Minister and known cock-thinker David Cameron’s wife gave birth (slightly early) to a girl while the royal couple was on vacation in Cornwall; Cameron claims that they will come up with some kind of pagan Celtic Cornish name as a result, making her ineligible to become Queen. The Prime Minister will be taking “paternity leave” like a typical communist European, leaving the country in the hands of the adorable Nick Clegg. [BBC] Read more on …
  please lose your primary

JOHN MCCAIN WILL NOT TALK TO YOU AND WILL UN-FRIEND YOU AND WILL SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT HOW YOU SNIFF YOUR OWN POOPS BECAUSE YOU WERE MEAN TO HIM: John McCain has joined his husband Lindsey Graham in declaring that Senate Republicans will NO LONGER WORK WITH DEMOCRATS because the Democrats passed one of their major pieces of legislation without including so much as a single dinky provision in it for constructing a gold-and-diamond statue of John McCain and Lindsey Graham looking awesome. The American people want more legislators to govern out of pique, and they want it NOW! [Jonathan Chait] Read more on …
  sixteen million drudge sirens

THIS WEEK IN IMPORTANT BABY NEWS: Michelle Obama is an aunt. Her brother and his wife had a baby named Austin. YAY BABIES. [MSNBC]
  health kare thread!

House Health Care Debate Just A Bunch Of Babies Goin’ Nuts

Good lord. We have been watching this Historic House Health Care Bill Debate Of History all day(-ish), and the House is at least ten times more comical than the Senate. Exhibit 1: Here’s a lil’ baby that Rep. John Shadegg found, in a trash can outside the pages’ dorm. Maddie no likey the lib-libs, no she doesn’t! Maddie hatey hatey Pelosi fag-care, IDN’T DAT RIGHT MADDIE, yes it is. Maddie may have just escaped it herself, but does Maddie want free abortions for the other babies? NO SHE DUDN’T. Oy. Consider this an open thread. They will soon debate the *bullshit* Stupak/Catholic Bishops amendment to ensure that no non-aristocrats ever get abortions again, then they will fart all over the GOP alternative plan, then they may vote later tonight. We will provide updates in some form, as they come. [YouTube] Read more on House Health Care Debate Just A Bunch Of Babies Goin’ Nuts…