Tag Archives: babies

  nice time!

Here’s Your Badass Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Doing Gay Stuff In Vietnam

No grown-up Supreme Court juice for you!
She helped the American ambassador to Vietnam renew his gay vows to his husband, because she DOES THINGS LIKE THAT. We’ve all been wondering what Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg — AKA The Notorious R.B.G., AKA the biggest baddest Supreme Court superhero to ever don a robe — has been doing ever since she did her part to do gay marriage to the entire United States of America. The answer, of course, is more gay stuff, same as before! Ginsburg was just hanging out in Vietnam, LIKE SHE DO, and the U.S. ambassador to Vietnam, Ted Osius, was like “Hey Justice G!” and she said, “BRUNCH, NOW.” Osius was all, “Of course we will, but I am a gay and I would like to renew my gay marriage to my husband Clayton Bond!” Ginsburg said, “I will renew your gay marriage to Clayton Bond, for he is a fine fellow, and you are married to him, and then we will go to brunch.” Read more on Here’s Your Badass Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Doing Gay Stuff In Vietnam…
  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole

Listen up, you Messico losers!
Hurray, Donald Trump has finally given America Donald Trump what America Donald Trump has always wanted, by running for president of the United Trumps States of Trump America. Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president, we figured why don’t we all sit around the fireplace (probably built by Donald Trump) and tell some funny stories about the dumbest things Trump has ever said, kinda like we would do if he was dead. Let’s go! Read more on Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole…
  A perfect day

Lo Unto Wonkette A Child Is Born

Donna Rose Clark
Roughly 353,000 babies were born yesterday. But only one of them was born to your Wonkette. Only one of them was our Donna Rose. She came roaring into this world at 8:36 p.m. on June 11, weighing in at a ridiculous 8lb 7oz out of my tiny and adorable wife, your Editrix who must be obeyed. She (both of them) is healthy, hale, and beautiful beyond belief. She (the baby) is sleeping right now, in her mother’s arms, and while they get some much deserved rest, let me tell you the story of the birth of Donna Rose. Read more on Lo Unto Wonkette A Child Is Born…
  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby

Listen up, you Messico losers!
Put this guy next to the big red nuclear button, everyone! Donald Trump was speaking to some Iowa Republicans at Wartburg College, and there was a baby, and it was crying, and guess what? Trump did not lose his cool. He did not yell. He did not rage. His hair did not shoot right off his head and into neighboring Nebraska, propelled by the smoke coming out of his ears. He didn’t even make fun of the baby! You know why? Because Trump. Trump. TRUMP! Read more on Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby…
  Jump in the pool -- the santorum's fine!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!
Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary: Read more on Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!…
  boneheaded density

Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones

You’d think by now the Republicans would just be trying to figure out how to just take voting rights away from ladies and blahs and browns and homosexxicans rather than pretending that any part of their platform will ever appeal to anybody but angry white straight guys. But, in a testament to an absolutely blinkered level of thick-headedness, Republicans are still trying to win over the very people they loathe. Their latest effort revolves around hoping that if they just yell “women’s health women’shealthWOMEN’SHEALTH” louder and louder and over and over, somehow it will come to mean what they want it to mean, which is to say that it will no longer mean anything about babbies or ‘bortions. Instead, “women’s health” will become synonymous with osteoporosis, which is no doubt the most gripping health problem facing American women. Read more on Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones…
  how is babby amortized?

American Babies Cost Three Times as Much as European Babies, For Freedom

Baby-having time is a time of mixed emotions for most families. This is because they are excited about becoming parents (or becoming parents again, as the case may be), worried about preparing in time for the baby (or babies) and sad about the fact that Americans spend more per baby than just about any industrialized country but get poorer outcomes.  See, American babies cost anywhere from $4,000 to $45,000 for a complication-free delivery, depending on which insurance company you have. Our nephew, for example, cost around $7,000 in copays and $30,000 in hospital bills, making him a very expensive baby who is only appreciating with every doctor visit. Can any of you beat that? Probably, which is sad. Anyway, let’s catch up with this via the New York Times, which  accidentally filed this article in the “Health” section rather than where it really belongs,  the “Money” section: Read more on American Babies Cost Three Times as Much as European Babies, For Freedom…
  eureka

Fox News Commentator: Stop Teen Sluttery by Giving Babies Away

Why is Obama forcing your daughter to take the morning after pill? This is an excellent question, and luckily Fox News commentator Nina Easton has given us several compelling theories which we can break down into two broad themes. These are: 1. Obama thinks his daughters are sluts. 2. Obama thinks other people’s daughters are sluts. (We have not heard anyone bring up the obvious option 3, which is “Michelle Obama is a slut,” but surely she will get around to it.) So, what are we going to do about this epidemic of slutty daughters having abortions with the morning-after pill (which, of course, does not cause abortions?) Duh, this is easy, we will just CELEBRATE TEEN PREGNANCY, to inoculate everyone’s daughters from the “cult of abortion,” problem solved. If only anyone had thought of this earlier! Read more on Fox News Commentator: Stop Teen Sluttery by Giving Babies Away…
  put a ring on it

Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior

Gawd, you people are awful. According to famous women-binding failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney the problem with you selfish dolts is that you simply won’t get married when you’re really young. “Some people could marry, but choose to take more time for themselves,” Romney tells graduates of Southern Virginia University. “Others plan to wait until they’re well into their 30s or 40s before they think about getting married. They’re going to miss so much of living, I’m afraid.” Right? Because Grey’s Anatomy is already into its ninth season. That show won’t last forever. Sure, you’ll probably still be able to watch it on Netflix, but then you’ll binge watch and miss that “so much of living” that comes from substituting mediocre network tv for sex every Thursday night at 9:00 Eastern/8:00 Central. Read more on Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior…
  the coming race snore

Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites

We knew it, you knew it, they knew it, your crazy white great-uncle who forwards you paranoic chain letters in blue 30-point Comic Sans font with neon green background knew it, and now the U.S. Census knows it: The minorities, they’re popping out babies like the dickens, and the flaccid whites can no longer keep up: “Non-Hispanic whites accounted for 49.6 percent of all births in the 12-month period that ended last July, according to Census Bureau data made public on Thursday, while minorities — including Hispanics, blacks, Asians and those of mixed race — reached 50.4 percent, representing a majority for the first time in the country’s history.” Shit. See you all in Singapore! We’ll whiten that joint up in no time. Read more on Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites…
  it's for a good cause

Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand

Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as authored by his sperm and any egg, is more important than being faithful to his wife and saving the world one lost political seat at a time. In December, nearly two years after he quite nearly became the governor of Alabama (but lost to Richard Bentley), it was revealed that Johnson, a Prattville native, appropriately, has like a zillion babies in New Zealand, where he has been generously donating his sperm to lesbian couples. But at some point he became quite greedy about his generosity, and once there was an earthquake in New Zealand, he was all, “PERFECT, BYE!” and went off to “help” more “lesbian couples.” Read more on Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand…
  where did the bad man touch you?

TSA Simply Cannot Stop Molesting Children and Congressmen

Everyone knows that if you are looking for terrorists, you leave the Mexicans and the babies and the Middle Easterners alone, and you focus instead on the young white men with buzzcuts. That is simply common sense, but since the US of A outlawed common sense when it “stopped” racially profiling, we are just all going to have to continue to suffer together. Like this baby, and this Mexican Congressdude! Does he look like a terrorist? No, he looks like Tom Delay! Read more on TSA Simply Cannot Stop Molesting Children and Congressmen…
  do not pass go. do not collect $200.

Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter

Primpy shitsack “human” “man” John Edwards, who at one point was actually the progressive choice in the 2008 primaries — and Christ, we dodged that bullet — is still putting his penis in the vagina of flakey terrible person Rielle Hunter, and according to the Daily Mail’s regurgitation of the National Enquirer, is possibly open to the idea of making yet another small human with her/the rest of America vomit out its own eyeballs. From the Daily Mail’s cadging of the work of America’s No. 1 John Edwards News Source the Enquirer: Rielle Hunter is reportedly hoping to become pregnant before Edwards’ trial in April, after which he could be sentenced to up to 30 years in jail. GO TO JAIL, JOHN EDWARDS! GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL! Read more on Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter…
  sex ed

Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant

An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s required process for creating new human life forms: Read more on Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant…
  election year betrayals

Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men

One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East — like, say, “Sharia Law” or “American Catholicism” — is that the menfolk don’t like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That’s why there was a predictable outrage over the Obama Administration’s long-planned addition of basic family planning medicine to health insurance coverage. It might seem like reproductive health would naturally be part of what we consider “health insurance coverage,” but that would be a dangerous assumption in a nation where one major political party, the Republicans, is completely based on the ring kissing and worship of an old Nazi child molester in Rome. Read more on Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men…
  flotus files

First Lady Michelle Obama Helps All the Straight Military Families

Performing a nationwide genocide of American fat children can get tiring after a while, because there are just so many of them, and so many things keeping them alive. With this in mind, our FLOTUS has taken a break from broccoli-boarding 4th graders to focus on something equally depressing: the struggles of military families! This “Joining Forces” campaign has our FLOTUS traveling to beautiful American locales like Columbus, Ohio, and Camp Lejeune so she can have mosh pits with Elmo and a Jonas Brother and win all twenty seven wars we are fighting right now. And our FLOTUS is right — it is important to support our military families. Our straight ones, that is. Read more on First Lady Michelle Obama Helps All the Straight Military Families…