Wonkette

Dearest Wonkette readers. Now would be an appropriate time to grab a drink and reassess the value of, you know, representative democracy as an effective form of government at all. If you’ve been watching CNN for the last couple of hours… well, we’re right there with you. Oh god CNN is now looking at Internet comments to get more opinions on the Death Of The Bailout. INTERNET COMMENTS. We want forty guns right now with which to shoot furniture, appliances, alley cats and, most importantly, our own human selves. Let’s run through a list of the comically pathetic ways in which our American political leaders are “responding” to the failed bailout vote. Hint: very few people are blaming themselves! MORE »

A quick search on the Facebook for “bristol palin” reveals this strange creature, one “Bristol Palin-Johnston.” America’s little girl has gotten married, to that Levi character? Yay! Everyone send them $17 in toxic home-cooked meth as a present. Also: hypenated last name. WTF yo? A real CHRISTIAN takes her husband’s name forever. [Facebook via The Frisky]

• OFFICIAL TRIG PALIN BABY CONSPIRACY TIMELINE! Well, sure, let’s have Vanity Fair take a go at this thing. It’s a chart! [Vanity Fair]

WELL OF COURSE: “A source close to the Beverly Hills baby store Petit Tresor tells CelebTV.com exclusively that a gift from Plain Mary was sent to Bristol Palin on behalf of Jamie Lynn Spears.” [CelebTV via Radar]

Poor Sarah Palin! We mean, “Sarah Palin lies everyday about everything!” In any case, our beloved junior governor from Alaska is now embroiled in so many snowbilly scandals that she’s probably not going to last through the week. Let’s start this fun new feature, about all the ways poor Sarah is about to be tossed off the ticket, maybe. MORE »

So John Edwards has admitted to banging that broad, Rielle. Here is a nice long story about what he will tell one of the Woodruffs on teevee tonight. Since it is Friday, none of your editors wanted to write a real, thorough post about this. So we have held a chat session to discuss John Edwards’ bastard child. It isn’t very readable, but it is long, so you really have no excuse. MORE »

CONGRESSBABE HAS BABY, HOORAY: Some freshman member of Congress, Kirsten Gillibrand, popped out a kid this morning! And guess who’s healthy? The baby, the baby is healthy! Everyone make a mimosa right now. Aside from having babies, Gillibrand is famous for defeating the drunkest ex-Congressman ever in the 2006 election. [AP]

Here is Hillary Clinton looking like a fool with a bunch of old gals around her, one of whom is going in for the kill. This cluster in North Carolina this morning is perhaps the most dangerous place for humans to be in the world, ever. After the jump, another comical picture of Hillary, this time stealing someone’s child for a blood cocktail. MORE »

Ding ding ding, the bun’s out of the oven! “America’s Hottest Governor” and the one and only GILF of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has delivered her fifth child and second son! Here is the statement from the Governor’s office about their new boy, which they have awkwardly named Trig Paxson Van Palin. “Trig is beautiful and already adored by us. We knew through early testing he would face special challenges, and we feel privileged that God would entrust us with this gift and allow us unspeakable joy as he entered our lives. We have faith that every baby is created for good purpose and has potential to make this world a better place. We are truly blessed.” Congrats to Sarah, her husband, and Trigger Von Bill Paxton Palin. Enjoy making No. 6, Mr. Palin! [Alaska Report]

Bill Clinton’s latest Little Rock bastard baby can no longer marry Mike Huckabee’s latest Jesus baby in Arkansas, saving the world for now, but ruining Democracy in the future. On Wednesday, Arkansas Gov. Mike Beebe signed a measure repealing “a law that mistakenly allowed anyone — even toddlers — to marry with parental permission.” MORE »

There’s a great new interview with pretend First Lady Cindy “Cougar” McCain in San Diego magazine, which is one of those glossy local lifestyle magazines for well-to-do white people. In the Q&A, Cindy reveals how much she loves spending all her time “recuperating” at a beachfront mansion she recently bought on Coronado Island — home of elite Naval commanders and their sand-cougar wives — and explains what really enrages her elderly husband: the way she’s always “bringing home stray everything.” MORE »

Beloved Alaskan Governor and hot maverick Sarah Palin is seven months pregnant with her fifth kid! She just announced the happy news, and now John McCain’s latest hope for a popular female maverick Republican governor on the GOP ticket is gone forever. People will really do just about anything to avoid being John McCain’s lady vice presidential candidate who will lose with him in November. MORE »

If you’re a Ron Paul supporter, there are many reasons not to like his congressional opponent, Chris Peden. He is young and handsome and well-regarded by the people in his district, for example. But there is one other reason not to like Chris Peden: he doesn’t have nearly the vast obstetrical experience as Texas Congressional District 14’s incumbent! MORE »

OMG IT’S THE MOST FANTASTIC BABY ON THE PLANET EVER! This daughter of Wonkette operative Sam Shepard has voted for Barack Obama at Skokie Community Center on the Northwest Side of Chicago, which is near the SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO, Barry’s home turf. Hooray for the young vote!