babies
Fox News Commentator: Stop Teen Sluttery by Giving Babies Away
Why is Obama forcing your daughter to take the morning after pill? This is an excellent question, and luckily Fox News commentator Nina Easton has given us several compelling theories which we can break down into two broad themes. These are: 1. Obama thinks his daughters are sluts. 2. Obama thinks other people’s daughters are [...]
Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior
Gawd, you people are awful. According to famous women-binding failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney the problem with you selfish dolts is that you simply won’t get married when you’re really young. “Some people could marry, but choose to take more time for themselves,” Romney tells graduates of Southern Virginia University. “Others plan to wait until [...]
Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites
We knew it, you knew it, they knew it, your crazy white great-uncle who forwards you paranoic chain letters in blue 30-point Comic Sans font with neon green background knew it, and now the U.S. Census knows it: The minorities, they’re popping out babies like the dickens, and the flaccid whites can no longer keep [...]
Failed AL Governor Has Ditched Wife To Knock Up Lesbians In New Zealand
Sad Bill Johnson, Alabama’s former head of economic and community affairs and failed attempted governor of the state, has apparently left his wife and absconded to New Zealand, where he has set off on a task of inserting his johnson into any woman who will have him because he has decided that sanctified life, as [...]
TSA Simply Cannot Stop Molesting Children and Congressmen
Everyone knows that if you are looking for terrorists, you leave the Mexicans and the babies and the Middle Easterners alone, and you focus instead on the young white men with buzzcuts. That is simply common sense, but since the US of A outlawed common sense when it “stopped” racially profiling, we are just all [...]
Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter
Primpy shitsack “human” “man” John Edwards, who at one point was actually the progressive choice in the 2008 primaries — and Christ, we dodged that bullet — is still putting his penis in the vagina of flakey terrible person Rielle Hunter, and according to the Daily Mail’s regurgitation of the National Enquirer, is possibly open [...]
Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant
An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s [...]
First Lady Michelle Obama Helps All the Straight Military Families
Performing a nationwide genocide of American fat children can get tiring after a while, because there are just so many of them, and so many things keeping them alive. With this in mind, our FLOTUS has taken a break from broccoli-boarding 4th graders to focus on something equally depressing: the struggles of military families! This [...]
Steve King: We Can’t Force Babies Who Die In Trash Cans To Buy Insurance
ZIIIIIIIIIING. ZING ZING ZING ZING. Ball’s in your court, Jared Polis. Because there have been babies born in this country to frightened teenage girls, then immediately thrown in the trash can, health care is not interstate commerce, and the federal government cannot regulate it. Game, set, and match! The government officially can’t go up to [...]
Introducing: The Anti-Baby Snatching Party
When did baby snatching become “the thing,” sort of like yoga? A month ago hardly any babies were being snatched, and then for some reason the government just started snatching all the babies.
The Devil Is In the Cartoon Details
By the Comics CurmudgeonYour cartoon correspondent has been looking at cartoons for Wonkette since roughly the Revolutionary War, during which time political cartoons haven’t changed much. You’d think that a man would burn out seeing endless weeping Statues of Liberty and fat generic Congressmen and “funny” Bush/Obama drawings with big ears. And you’d be right! [...]
Recession Makes Americans Kill Pets, Quit Having Kids
Not that you’d notice from the 40 million unemployed “workers” in this country, or the way all the houses in your neighborhood are being abandoned by night, or the miles of empty strip malls on the edge of every doomed American town, but experts in New York and Washington (the only two thriving cities in [...]
POSH-PONCE DAVID CAMERON SIRES PREEMIE PRINCESS: U.K. Prime Minister and known cock-thinker David Cameron’s wife gave birth (slightly early) to a girl while the royal couple was on vacation in Cornwall; Cameron claims that they will come up with some kind of pagan Celtic Cornish name as a result, making her ineligible to become Queen. [...]
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