Good lord. We have been watching this Historic House Health Care Bill Debate Of History all day(-ish), and the House is at least ten times more comical than the Senate. Exhibit 1: Here’s a lil’ baby that Rep. John Shadegg found, in a trash can outside the pages’ dorm. Maddie no likey the lib-libs, no she doesn’t! Maddie hatey hatey Pelosi fag-care, IDN’T DAT RIGHT MADDIE, yes it is. Maddie may have just escaped it herself, but does Maddie want free abortions for the other babies? NO SHE DUDN’T. Oy. Consider this an open thread. They will soon debate the *bullshit* Stupak/Catholic Bishops amendment to ensure that no non-aristocrats ever get abortions again, then they will fart all over the GOP alternative plan, then they may vote later tonight. We will provide updates in some form, as they come. [YouTube]

MEET BABY K. SMITH: Wonkette Editor Sara K. Smith has officially spawned. Secret husband “Dan” writes: “little Charlie was born healthy at 8 lbs 2 oz. Sara is healthy and delivered in 3 or 4 hours without any drugs.” Sara, man, she’s an animal. Congratulations to all!

A certain Baby K. Smith is due into the world at any moment, like TODAY, and its mother will probably need to look after it for a while until it figures out how to work the safety on the shotgun and open its own beers. You will be left in the capable hands of your male editors, who will maybe force themselves to drag their asses out of bed at a vaguely human hour for the next few months. MORE »

Among the more bizarre aspects of the tragic “John Edwards is a sex lizard” story that broke last year was the part where a long-term aide claimed that he, the aide, was the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby and took her in to live with him and his wife and children for a while, all bankrolled by that lawyer and Democratic financier who’s now conveniently dead. The aide, Andrew Young, is shopping around a book that will presumably spill the beans on the very important question of who the father of the little Edwards-looking tot really is, because why else would you buy the goddamn thing, right? MORE »

Citizens are taking extreme measures to ensure that they do not bring children into the stinking heap of decaying credit default swaps and sudden mortgage death that used to be called “America.” They are getting abortions and vasectomies all over the place, constantly, and tying tubes of every sort, even useless ones, like the ones in your ears. What does this mean for our next generation of leaders? They will grow up in uncrowded schools, with plenty to eat, provided they survive the current apocalypse. [Reuters]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Once every a generation or so, it’s important that our comfortable lives are shaken up, so that we can take stock and figure out what’s really important. Sure, economic disruptions are painful, but they can also herald a return to self-reliance and old-fashioned, time-tested values. Unfortunately, our current economic crisis passed that point weeks ago, so now you’re sort of just rubbing it in, Cold Dead Hand of Adam Smith. We promise to stop with the credit cards and the adjustable rate mortgages, OK? Just give us our fucking 401Ks back. Sadly, it appears that our political leaders will be forced to take truly drastic steps to stop our planet from being transformed into a vast hobo jungle. MORE »

Can you BELIEVE that terrible Nancy Pelosi, suggesting that contraception, i.e. the thwarting of God’s will through the use of hormones and latex derivatives, prevents babies, who generally cost more money than not having babies? It is verily a shameful sin unto the Lord! Sixteen bazillion Drudge sirens for this whore of Babylon and her radical leftist insinuations. The TRUE FACT is that babies fart out dollar bills for their first 6-9 months, more than compensating for their parents’ lost wages plus health care plus extra food and $700 strollers and car seats and whatever. A responsible fiscal stimulus package would compel every woman over the age of 14 to have ten babies before 2011. [Drudge Report]

Human dumpster Sarah Palin hasn’t held many unnecessary interviews in the last few weeks, what the hell is wrong with her? Does she want this thing in 2012 or not?? Her lazy ass needs to be in cold motherfuckin’ IOWA right now and every week for the next few years, going to fried steak dinners with the Des Moines Register people and what not. This is what one must do. John Edwards put four goddamn years into that state and look what happened, OH RIGHT, he’s President. Well, Sarah Palin may not have the “grit” of John Edwards, but she’s at least creeping her way back onto the interview circuit. The safe outlets only, of course. Now let’s see what she told the wingnuts at Human Events about her experience on the McCain campaign… ah, she did nothing wrong and wasn’t allowed to do enough right. MORE »

• OH RIGHT, SHE WAS PREGNANT OR SOMETHING: Hey remember Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, and how she got herself pregnant to distract attention from a DailyKos diarist-generated scandal about Trig actually being Bristol’s secret “other” baby which led Andrew Sullivan to DEMAND PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of Trig popping out of Sarah Palin’s vag, everyday, until… oh, he’s still doing that… and then Rudy Giuliani called the liberal media sexist for this at a political convention while Kathryn Jean Lopez prayed for her own secret “other” Down Syndrome bastard child to arrive via stork? You do! Well, Bristol Palin’s baby is supposedly due on Saturday, according to a hilarious interview with Bristol’s grandfather, Chuck Heath, on the website “Grandparents.com.” [Grandparents.com]

California has two terrific Sanchez Sisters in Congress, and one of them is illegally having a bastard child soon! Rep. Linda Sanchez, D-Sodom & Gomorrah, is expecting a new little Sanchez soon, and it was fathered by babymama Jim Sullivan, her longtime boyfriend. Happy whatever you call this, Congresslady Linda! Also we have not heard from “the crazier one,” Loretta Sanchez, in quite a while — but we know Rep. Loretta’s weird new Christmas card should be in our mailbox pretty soon! [Reliable Source via "Lily E."]

Dearest Wonkette readers. Now would be an appropriate time to grab a drink and reassess the value of, you know, representative democracy as an effective form of government at all. If you’ve been watching CNN for the last couple of hours… well, we’re right there with you. Oh god CNN is now looking at Internet comments to get more opinions on the Death Of The Bailout. INTERNET COMMENTS. We want forty guns right now with which to shoot furniture, appliances, alley cats and, most importantly, our own human selves. Let’s run through a list of the comically pathetic ways in which our American political leaders are “responding” to the failed bailout vote. Hint: very few people are blaming themselves! MORE »