Watch combative, raisin-shaped philosopher-king Rupert Murdoch beg for attention: “[the following was said in an Australian accent, which, according to the Chicago Manual of Style, should be indicated using the 'underline' option]: mumble mumble aye oy yes Glenn Beck was riiiight to call Obama a raycist b’cause sum of the comments Obama mayde were raycist mumble blacks and whites and reds and yellows even though he sayd he wasn’t a raycist.” Yeah it does sound a bit Irish—Wordpress! Anyway the White House will continue to ignore this because there is negative zero reason to do otherwise. [Media Matters]

Assuming the president is even human, can anybody verify from which woman’s birth canal he sprang, and where, and when? The answer is no, until Barack Obama produces 1) a valid long-form birth certificate with coffee stains to make it look “real” and also 2) a 47-year-old mucus plug. (Note: do not Google “mucus plug” until after lunch.) But in lieu of this evidence, we are left to wonder whether Barack Obama was born in Kenya at all if somebody dug up a birth certificate from South Australia that looks SUSPICIOUSLY like his Kenyan one. MORE »

Bob Dylan will have to write his next album about the terrible mice plague sweeping the nation of Australia, and by “the nation” we of course refer to “a single nursing home in Queensland.” Still, we must ask the important question: if the pig AIDS doesn’t kill us, will the mouse plague do it instead? MORE »

The leader of Australia’s Liberal party (”the opposition”), Troy Buswell, likes his staffer ladies. First, in late 2005, he “crawled around on his hands and knees in front of a former Liberal staffer before she left the job.” Then earlier this year he snapped open another staffer’s bra. But hey, you work in the Australian parliament, you know what you’re getting into! Yet there is no real excuse for Buswell’s coup de grace: sniffing some staffer gal’s chair, for its lady scent. MORE »

America’s Princess Diplobot had a busy end of March: She celebrated 4,000 troop deaths in Iraq, reminisced about slavery, and reignited vice presidential rumors all by herself, by doing nothing more than talking to a friendly bear. Way to go, girl! Catch up with Condi after the jump!

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AND NOBODY CARED: The new Australian prime minister guy didn’t show up for work, at the parliament, in Australia. So he was replaced with a cardboard cutout that’s just as useful. [The Age]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Condi was back in Foggy Bottom 24/7 last week, and you know what that means: photo-ops, photo-ops, photo-ops! Indeed, the State Department’s reception room was a revolving door to all kinds of diplobots from strategically unchallenging countries. And somebody had the nerve to call Our Heroine incompetent. Why do they keep doing that? So mean! Join me after the jump for a Condiological safari through the last seven days…

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Admit it, Wonketteers: you’ve been disappointed by the quality of U.S. sex scandals in recent weeks. Dickcember was a little flaccid, with even the whole Axis of Fun scandal only netting a skeevy Senatorial staffer who was quickly fired, so: BORING. Could it be that the cold weather is forcing our leaders to keep it in their well-insulated pants? Politicians from the tropics and the Southern Hemisphere seem to have no such restrictions on their naughtiness! This week, The Foreigns offers a smörgåsbord of political scandal, from the pederastic to the cinematic. MORE »

Nigel Scullion was recently made the deputy leader of Australia’s National Party (the opposition party). To celebrate, the Australian media published accounts of Scullion’s wild night out in Russia in 1998, when he was attending a global fishing convention (and before he was ever elected to Parliament). MORE »

Screw turning off your lights and buying efficient appliances to help mitigate global warming, Barry Walters, an obstetrics professor at the University of Western Australia has a better idea: stop breeding so damn much. Since humans are the ultimate cause of global warming, Barry and his supporters think that it would be a grand idea to slow population growth by taxing people that decide to have more than two children (i.e., enough to replace the two parents and no more). Those of us who refrain from breeding would get a carbon tax credit for not contributing to pollution. The other, darker consequences of paying certain people not to breed are not discussed. [International Herald Tribune via TaxProf Blog]

In an effort to beat out America in the race to see which country is most likely to elect strange celebrities to office, Australians sent Midnight Oil singer Peter Garrett to Parliament in 2004. Today, the newly elected Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, announced that Peter will be elevated to the position of Environmental Minister. Now Australia really can say fair’s fair, and pay their rent and their share. [BBC News]