Tag Archives: australia

  Equality gaysploding everywhere

Nice Christian Forced To Ditch Wife Now That Gays Have Ruined Everything

It's the end of the world! Except not
We were afraid this might happen. Well, not afraid exactly, but we paused for a brief moment the first time we were warned that gays would ruin marriage for everyone else, mostly to say, “Who what how HUH?” But seems the Hetero-End Days are upon us — seriously, for reals this time — because with gays gaying up the whole planet, plus Australia, this guy says he has to divorce his wife of 10 years, because of REASONS. Jesus reasons. Read more on Nice Christian Forced To Ditch Wife Now That Gays Have Ruined Everything…
  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  Books For Parents Who Hate Their Children

Insane Anti-Vaxxer Children’s Book Will Make Every Kid Want Measles

Oh what fun!
So here is a thing that exists: An anti-vaxxer children’s book called Melanie’s Marvelous Measles, published in 2012 and getting renewed attention now for pretty obvious reasons. It’s a happy little book about the joys of getting measles and staying healthy by never getting vaccinated! We felt a bit guilty about even spending three bucks for the Kindle version, but we knew that you, the Wonkette reader, deserved to get more than a third-hand look at this madness — you deserve a second-hand look through Dok Zoom’s suffering eyes. So we resolved to double our contribution to Doctors Without Borders as penance, and clicked “buy now.” Read more on Insane Anti-Vaxxer Children’s Book Will Make Every Kid Want Measles…
  For the Balancing of the Humours

The Snake Oil Bulletin: ‘Health Rangers,’ Please Don’t Put GMO Scientists On Your ‘Kill Lists’

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Are you suffering from a poor case of chin cough, milk leg, or St. Anthony’s Fire? Well step right up hyah! Your Wonkette proudly presents to you, at only a modest fee, the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premier source for news on the world of woo, pseudoscience, and general bunkum! We have much to cover (and so many brain cells to kill), so let’s hop right in to it. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: ‘Health Rangers,’ Please Don’t Put GMO Scientists On Your ‘Kill Lists’…
  Here have some news n stuff

Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December

Sooooooooo mean!
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is one mean grinch. Because the Senate, as well as the House of Representatives, has been so busy not working all year, Reid’s threatening to murder Christmas vacation, which for most Americans is maybe a day or two, but for the lazy sacks of lazy in Congress is usually about three weeks. Read more on Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December…
  No vaccine For Stupid

Quack Anti-Vaxxers: Protect Your Kids With Sugar Instead

Also, many car accidents aren't fatal, so I don't wear seatbelts.
Just in case you needed a reason to slap your forehead and despair for humanity this morning, how about a recent report from CBC’s Marketplace program on anti-vaccine myths being fed to new parents in the Great White North, eh? Using hidden cameras, reporters visited several Canadian homeopaths who explained that vaccines might give your precious babby autism (do we actually need a link debunking that? Of course we do), while measles and other highly contagious diseases are No Big Deal. The CBC report cites estimates that as many as 40 percent of Canadian 7-year-olds are not up to date on their vaccines. Read more on Quack Anti-Vaxxers: Protect Your Kids With Sugar Instead…
  The Origin Of Specious

Sundays With The Christianists: Charles Darwin Was A Very Bad Man, A Very Bad Man Indeed

We have no context for this image. But Charles Darwin WILL learn you on this.
If it’s Sunday, it must be time for another foray into the mind of Colorado radio man o’ God and homeschooling big wheel Kevin Swanson, the genius who warns that the Girl Scouts are communist lesbians whose cookies fund abortions and lesbianism, although we aren’t sure why lesbians are having all those abortions anyway. We’ve been delving into Swanson’s 2013 freshman term paper book Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, a sloppy little history of the ideas and thinkers who have been ruining Western Culture by making it what we think of as “Western Culture.” Last week, we learned that Karl Marx was a monster who starved his children (no he wasn’t) and who was driven by actual contact with demons. This week, it’s Charles Darwin’s turn to get Swansoned, although we suppose it’s possible that even after Apostate has completely dismantled him, Darwin may still be considered important, because people are just that stubborn and prone to evil. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Charles Darwin Was A Very Bad Man, A Very Bad Man Indeed…
  Racism is over part eleventy billion

Georgia Republican Very Disappointed President Obama Has Not Ended Racism

Of all the embarrassing American totems we may have exported to Australia (Budweiser, country music, Keanu Reeves), could any of them be more embarrassing than an old white Republican from Georgia talking about the state of race relations in our country? And yet somehow we allowed this to happen just the other day. America! Not only have we failed black people in so many ways, we’ve even failed at sending out emissaries to talk about the plight of black people. Read more on Georgia Republican Very Disappointed President Obama Has Not Ended Racism…
  *that's* a study!

Study Finds Kids Of Gay Parents Doing Great; Expect Further Parenting Studies To Be Outlawed

OK, so here is some unambiguously nifty Nice Time for you: An Australian study of the children of same-sex couples, the largest yet conducted, finds that their kids aren’t merely OK, but may be happier and healthier than children in the population at large. We have a feeling that this important research on families may not go over especially well at the “Family Research Council.” Read more on Study Finds Kids Of Gay Parents Doing Great; Expect Further Parenting Studies To Be Outlawed…
  junk food

You Can’t Mock Bad Restaurants In Australia How Is That Even Fair?

Right now, we are feeling pretty happy that we do not live in Australia, because apparently it is really costly to make fun of people if you live Down Under. Witness this epic restaurant review battle royale where some restaurant owners pursued their lawsuit for eleven years — ELEVEN YEARS — over a bad review from the Sydney Morning Herald. And they won! Jesus, can you imagine what Australia would do to us? Read more on You Can’t Mock Bad Restaurants In Australia How Is That Even Fair?…
  plumber cracks

Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place

Congressional Legion of Doom members Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Steve King appeared on a panel at the Heritage Foundation Wednesday and somehow, Gohmert managed to out-stupid both other members of the trio. Oh, sure, Bachmann warned that Barack Obama’s legacy would be “the establishment of lawlessness in the United States,” because gay marriage (apparently committed by bandits mostly), and King called for an investigation of why Obama’s uncle Onyango Obama was not deported for being an illegal immigrant, because “looks like if you’re an Obama friend, you’re exempt from the law” (nope). But Louie Gohmert out-idioted both with his opinion that judges who believe that gay Americans have a right to marry are fundamentally ignorant of biology, because of course the P-E-N-I-S goes in the lady’s down-there-place, not in the unmentionable hell orifice: Gohmert pointed out that some courts had found that there was no biological evidence that marriage should be limited to a man and a woman. “They need some basic plumbing lessons,” he said. “For one omnipotent, omniscious, ubiquitous federal judge who is wise beyond his education to say — to make such a declaration about the law, I think, requires revisiting by each state and compliance with the U.S. Supreme Court.” The American Society of Plumbing Engineers was unavailable for comment. Read more on Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  not as good as an abba song

Australian Supreme Court Sodomizes Capital’s Gay Marriage Law

Here’s an American export we ‘d hoped wouldn’t catch on: Australia now has its very own antipodean version of California’s Proposition 8 mess. First, the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) — Australia’s equivalent of the District of Columbia, where the capital city, Canberra, is located — passed a law allowing same-sex marriage; it went into effect on Saturday, and some 30 couples got married. And then, after less than a week, the country’s High Court reversed the territorial law, saying it was inconsistent with a 2004 national law defining marriage as between one man and one woman, effectively nullifying the marriages that had been performed. Couples who had taken advantage of the brief window of legal marriage equality said they were disappointed but not surprised, because fundamentalists the world round are why we can’t have nice things. Read more on Australian Supreme Court Sodomizes Capital’s Gay Marriage Law…
  creature features

Killer Brains, Gamma-Ray Fungus, And Octopus Selfies, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog

Ahoy Wonkeratti! It’s time once again for another horrible Wonkette Sci-Blog. Grasp a flagon of mead and come on in! Ah, Summer has passed into Fall, Fall is passing into Winter and the Season of Festivals is upon us once more. As the year’s harvest is gathered in, everyone prepares for the traditional Winter’s feasting and gift-giving celebrations. Supplies are gathered, the Meal is carefully prepared, all the far-flung spawn travel home to be with the family once again. Yes, the days of Cephalopodmas are wonderful, indeed. Read more on Killer Brains, Gamma-Ray Fungus, And Octopus Selfies, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog…
  all over the world

World Election Roundup: Australia To Remain Free Of Rule By Crazed Post-Apocalyptic Road Gangs A Little Longer

Today we thought we would circle past the Wonkette international desk – tucked away in a far corner of the newsroom, next to the janitorial supplies and a dusty pile of Butterstick references – and see what’s cookin’ overseas that does not have anything to do with Syria, because good Lord we’re tired of thinking about who is winning the “messaging battle” or whatever on Syria. First up: Russia, where the city of Moscow has re-elected as its mayor one Sergey Sobyanin, who has managed, to our knowledge, to never send pictures of his dick to random ladies he met on the Internet. No wonder we have never heard of him! Sobyanin is a longtime politician, leader of the largest political party in the country (United Russia), and a former Deputy Prime Minister of Russia. More importantly, he is a close ally of Vladimir Putin, who no doubt celebrated Sobyanin’s victory by downing a couple dozen shots of vodka and prank-calling Edward Snowden to ask if our intrepid hero has Prince Alexei Nikolaevich in a can. Read more on World Election Roundup: Australia To Remain Free Of Rule By Crazed Post-Apocalyptic Road Gangs A Little Longer…
  can you people handle this much nice time?

Neverending Nice Time: Aussie PM Kevin Rudd Smacks Down Bible Guy On Gay Marriage

Can we just say how totally in love we are with Australia’s Prime Minister Kevin Rudd this morning? Faced with a question/provocation from pastor and radio talker Matt Prater, Rudd first explained how his thinking on marriage equality has evolved, and then Prater pulled out his Bible quotes. This is where the conversation went into territory no American politician would ever dare: Read more on Neverending Nice Time: Aussie PM Kevin Rudd Smacks Down Bible Guy On Gay Marriage…
  can't something be done about these liberal race baiters?

Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’

So, you may have heard about the awful murder of an Australian baseball player by three teens in Duncan, Oklahoma. The killers more or less admitted to killing Chris Lane for the fun of it as he was out for a jog. It’s sick and disgusting. But what’s really outrageous, according to Fox & Friends, Fox Nation, WND, the Daily Caller, and former congresscritter Allen West, is the horrifying double standard of the national media and professional race-baiters like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Barack Obama, because they aren’t treating this murder of a white man by three black teens as an outrage, like they did the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Oh, except one of the “three black teens” is white. Also, they were arrested and charged right away, not given a handshake and a “Good job standing your ground, dude!” by the police. Otherwise, the two killings are virtually identical. Read more on Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’…
  you call that a gaffe? this is a gaffe!

Adorable ‘Australia’s Sarah Palin’ Will Let The Jews Stay Because They Love Jesus; The Country ‘Islam’ Not So Much

Here is Stephanie Banister of Brisbane, who hopes to win a seat in Australia’s Parliament for the fringey, anti-immigrant One Nation Party. In an interview Wednesday with Channel 7 News, she said, “I don’t oppose Islam as a country, but I do feel that their laws should not be welcome here in Australia,” because after all, only 2% of Australians “follow haram.” Reporter Erin Edwards clarified that Banister probably meant “the Koran,” but we’re inclined to think she meant “sharia,” like such as. “Haram” means “sinful” and is kind of the opposite of “halal;” she might as well have said that only 2% of Aussies follow treyf. Her differently factual approach to politics is winning her comparisons to Sarah Palin, and while she has yet to gain a national following willing to throw money at her, she’s already learned one vital lesson from the Snowbilly Grifter: Banister is blaming the media for making her look bad, what with all those unflattering direct quotations. Read more on Adorable ‘Australia’s Sarah Palin’ Will Let The Jews Stay Because They Love Jesus; The Country ‘Islam’ Not So Much…
  tiny bubbles

Penis. Wine. Penis Wine. That Is All, Just Penis Wine.

Okay yes, sexting — again, and yes a dumbass politician is doing it wrong — but let this one sorta roll around on your tongue some for that heady bouquet. The Ethics Committee MP in the Australian Parliament has gotten into trouble for ethics violations! Of course he has. We can not make this up, we would be more creative. The LNP MP for Redlands this morning announced in Parliament that he was voluntarily stepping down while issues relating to his travel were investigated. Mr Dowling apologised to his family and friends for his behaviour. “To my children, mum, brother and sister, my extended family and friends I am sorry for the shame and embarrassment that I have caused you,” he said. […] However, Mr Dowling insisted he had complied with all guidelines in relation to his travel. “I do not wish for this issue and for my family to be dragged through the media any longer than necessary,” he said. Hmmm, he apologized to his mum for travel issues? Why does that sound a little maybe over the top? A little like bullshit? There’s got to be more to this than some upgraded flights if things are being “plastered” across the papers and your mum has a Sad? Overnight it was reported that a state MP had been exposed as a serial sexter, sending images to his secret mistress including a picture of his penis plonked in a glass of red wine. Read more on Penis. Wine. Penis Wine. That Is All, Just Penis Wine….
  you better run you better take cover

Australian Prime Minister’s Sandwich Woes Generate Best Headline Of 2013

Here’s one for your SAT analogy section: George W. Bush is to to Iraqi journalists and shoes as Australian Prime Minister Julia Gilliard is to high school students and sandwiches. For the second time within a month, the Sydney Morning Herald reports, Gilliard has been the target of a “bread-based missile” flung during a school visit, this time while visiting a high school in Canberra to announce some education grant thing. Earlier in May, a student at a high school in Queensland was suspended for nailing the PM with a vegemite sandwich. (The student’s motive was unknown, but the working theory is that the PM asked him if he speaka her language.) Read more on Australian Prime Minister’s Sandwich Woes Generate Best Headline Of 2013…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Jerry Brown’s Stormtroopers Might Actually Pry Some Guns From Some Cold Dead Hands, and Other Gun News

Hi diddly ho, Wonkerinos! It has been awhile since we submerged ourselves in the crazy world of America’s most prominent and deadly fetish. Frankly, we were feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the stories of people accidentally blowing away their own toddlers while cleaning their shotguns, and then the useless dicks in Congress killed gun control, and we decided fuck it, we live in a country full of irrational freaks and there is nothing left to do but make ourselves a nice Thorazine omelet for breakfast every morning and spend the rest of the day lying on the couch, drooling and watching sunbeams inch across the floor. But then Editrix started stuffing our inbox with gun-related stories, and we read them and went online and read some more, and it turns out writing about gun news is a little bit like being a serial killer. You can only stop for so long before the psychological pressure becomes too great, and the only relief is to find another co-ed to imprison in your soundproofed basement dungeon with your cabinet full of well-oiled antique dental tools. By which we mean write another column. IT’S A METAPHOR, DAMMIT! So let’s get to it. Read more on Jerry Brown’s Stormtroopers Might Actually Pry Some Guns From Some Cold Dead Hands, and Other Gun News…
  reno's 911

Totally Not Lying Men’s Rights Activist Is Your Newest James O’Keefe!

This bloke, Reno, he is quite a bloke! As a men’s rights activist, he totally GOTCHAED all those harpies who only pretend to care about domestic violence, when they really just want to falsely accuse these gallant knights of unspeakable acts what are not true. They also want to murder all our bepenised brethren and fry up their testicles and serve them with a light dusting of basil and mint. As Manboobz explains (because of course), “Reno” called this domestic violence help line, and spent about eight minutes talking to the lady about how his wife was beating him. Then the lady totally LAUGHED IN HIS FACE and said it served him right, because that lady was a feminist and feminism is the debbil. Read more on Totally Not Lying Men’s Rights Activist Is Your Newest James O’Keefe!…