Tag Archives: australia

  Equality gaysploding everywhere

Nice Christian Forced To Ditch Wife Now That Gays Have Ruined Everything

It's the end of the world! Except not
We were afraid this might happen. Well, not afraid exactly, but we paused for a brief moment the first time we were warned that gays would ruin marriage for everyone else, mostly to say, “Who what how HUH?” But seems the Hetero-End Days are upon us — seriously, for reals this time — because with gays gaying up the whole planet, plus Australia, this guy says he has to divorce his wife of 10 years, because of REASONS. Jesus reasons. Read more on Nice Christian Forced To Ditch Wife Now That Gays Have Ruined Everything…
  Oh great here's another maybe thing

Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!

Up to no good, maybe or maybe not
At last, a Hillary Clinton ZOMGgate story that might actually be a thing! (Or might not. You never know with those wily Clintons, which is why it’s generally best to assume guilty until proven otherwise.) According to an exhaustive trillion-word report by the International Business Times, the Clinton State Department authorized approximately eleventeen metric fucktons of defense contracts between corporations and countries that, coincidentally uh huh sure right, happened to donate a whole bunch of money to the Clinton Foundation and to Bill Clinton (that’s her husband) for doing his high-priced speechifying thing: Read more on Is Hillary Clinton World’s Evilest Arms Dealer Ever? Maybe!…
  Books For Parents Who Hate Their Children

Insane Anti-Vaxxer Children’s Book Will Make Every Kid Want Measles

Oh what fun!
So here is a thing that exists: An anti-vaxxer children’s book called Melanie’s Marvelous Measles, published in 2012 and getting renewed attention now for pretty obvious reasons. It’s a happy little book about the joys of getting measles and staying healthy by never getting vaccinated! We felt a bit guilty about even spending three bucks for the Kindle version, but we knew that you, the Wonkette reader, deserved to get more than a third-hand look at this madness — you deserve a second-hand look through Dok Zoom’s suffering eyes. So we resolved to double our contribution to Doctors Without Borders as penance, and clicked “buy now.” Read more on Insane Anti-Vaxxer Children’s Book Will Make Every Kid Want Measles…
  For the Balancing of the Humours

The Snake Oil Bulletin: ‘Health Rangers,’ Please Don’t Put GMO Scientists On Your ‘Kill Lists’

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Are you suffering from a poor case of chin cough, milk leg, or St. Anthony’s Fire? Well step right up hyah! Your Wonkette proudly presents to you, at only a modest fee, the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premier source for news on the world of woo, pseudoscience, and general bunkum! We have much to cover (and so many brain cells to kill), so let’s hop right in to it. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: ‘Health Rangers,’ Please Don’t Put GMO Scientists On Your ‘Kill Lists’…
  Here have some news n stuff

Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December

Sooooooooo mean!
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is one mean grinch. Because the Senate, as well as the House of Representatives, has been so busy not working all year, Reid’s threatening to murder Christmas vacation, which for most Americans is maybe a day or two, but for the lazy sacks of lazy in Congress is usually about three weeks. Read more on Mean Harry Reid Might Make Senators Do Some Work In December…
  No vaccine For Stupid

Quack Anti-Vaxxers: Protect Your Kids With Sugar Instead

Also, many car accidents aren't fatal, so I don't wear seatbelts.
Just in case you needed a reason to slap your forehead and despair for humanity this morning, how about a recent report from CBC’s Marketplace program on anti-vaccine myths being fed to new parents in the Great White North, eh? Using hidden cameras, reporters visited several Canadian homeopaths who explained that vaccines might give your precious babby autism (do we actually need a link debunking that? Of course we do), while measles and other highly contagious diseases are No Big Deal. The CBC report cites estimates that as many as 40 percent of Canadian 7-year-olds are not up to date on their vaccines. Read more on Quack Anti-Vaxxers: Protect Your Kids With Sugar Instead…
  The Origin Of Specious

Sundays With The Christianists: Charles Darwin Was A Very Bad Man, A Very Bad Man Indeed

We have no context for this image. But Charles Darwin WILL learn you on this.
If it’s Sunday, it must be time for another foray into the mind of Colorado radio man o’ God and homeschooling big wheel Kevin Swanson, the genius who warns that the Girl Scouts are communist lesbians whose cookies fund abortions and lesbianism, although we aren’t sure why lesbians are having all those abortions anyway. We’ve been delving into Swanson’s 2013 freshman term paper book Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, a sloppy little history of the ideas and thinkers who have been ruining Western Culture by making it what we think of as “Western Culture.” Last week, we learned that Karl Marx was a monster who starved his children (no he wasn’t) and who was driven by actual contact with demons. This week, it’s Charles Darwin’s turn to get Swansoned, although we suppose it’s possible that even after Apostate has completely dismantled him, Darwin may still be considered important, because people are just that stubborn and prone to evil. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Charles Darwin Was A Very Bad Man, A Very Bad Man Indeed…
  Racism is over part eleventy billion

Georgia Republican Very Disappointed President Obama Has Not Ended Racism

Of all the embarrassing American totems we may have exported to Australia (Budweiser, country music, Keanu Reeves), could any of them be more embarrassing than an old white Republican from Georgia talking about the state of race relations in our country? And yet somehow we allowed this to happen just the other day. America! Not only have we failed black people in so many ways, we’ve even failed at sending out emissaries to talk about the plight of black people. Read more on Georgia Republican Very Disappointed President Obama Has Not Ended Racism…
  *that's* a study!

Study Finds Kids Of Gay Parents Doing Great; Expect Further Parenting Studies To Be Outlawed

OK, so here is some unambiguously nifty Nice Time for you: An Australian study of the children of same-sex couples, the largest yet conducted, finds that their kids aren’t merely OK, but may be happier and healthier than children in the population at large. We have a feeling that this important research on families may not go over especially well at the “Family Research Council.” Read more on Study Finds Kids Of Gay Parents Doing Great; Expect Further Parenting Studies To Be Outlawed…
  junk food

You Can’t Mock Bad Restaurants In Australia How Is That Even Fair?

Right now, we are feeling pretty happy that we do not live in Australia, because apparently it is really costly to make fun of people if you live Down Under. Witness this epic restaurant review battle royale where some restaurant owners pursued their lawsuit for eleven years — ELEVEN YEARS — over a bad review from the Sydney Morning Herald. And they won! Jesus, can you imagine what Australia would do to us? Read more on You Can’t Mock Bad Restaurants In Australia How Is That Even Fair?…
  plumber cracks

Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place

Congressional Legion of Doom members Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Steve King appeared on a panel at the Heritage Foundation Wednesday and somehow, Gohmert managed to out-stupid both other members of the trio. Oh, sure, Bachmann warned that Barack Obama’s legacy would be “the establishment of lawlessness in the United States,” because gay marriage (apparently committed by bandits mostly), and King called for an investigation of why Obama’s uncle Onyango Obama was not deported for being an illegal immigrant, because “looks like if you’re an Obama friend, you’re exempt from the law” (nope). But Louie Gohmert out-idioted both with his opinion that judges who believe that gay Americans have a right to marry are fundamentally ignorant of biology, because of course the P-E-N-I-S goes in the lady’s down-there-place, not in the unmentionable hell orifice: Gohmert pointed out that some courts had found that there was no biological evidence that marriage should be limited to a man and a woman. “They need some basic plumbing lessons,” he said. “For one omnipotent, omniscious, ubiquitous federal judge who is wise beyond his education to say — to make such a declaration about the law, I think, requires revisiting by each state and compliance with the U.S. Supreme Court.” The American Society of Plumbing Engineers was unavailable for comment. Read more on Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  not as good as an abba song

Australian Supreme Court Sodomizes Capital’s Gay Marriage Law

Here’s an American export we ‘d hoped wouldn’t catch on: Australia now has its very own antipodean version of California’s Proposition 8 mess. First, the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) — Australia’s equivalent of the District of Columbia, where the capital city, Canberra, is located — passed a law allowing same-sex marriage; it went into effect on Saturday, and some 30 couples got married. And then, after less than a week, the country’s High Court reversed the territorial law, saying it was inconsistent with a 2004 national law defining marriage as between one man and one woman, effectively nullifying the marriages that had been performed. Couples who had taken advantage of the brief window of legal marriage equality said they were disappointed but not surprised, because fundamentalists the world round are why we can’t have nice things. Read more on Australian Supreme Court Sodomizes Capital’s Gay Marriage Law…
  creature features

Killer Brains, Gamma-Ray Fungus, And Octopus Selfies, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog

Ahoy Wonkeratti! It’s time once again for another horrible Wonkette Sci-Blog. Grasp a flagon of mead and come on in! Ah, Summer has passed into Fall, Fall is passing into Winter and the Season of Festivals is upon us once more. As the year’s harvest is gathered in, everyone prepares for the traditional Winter’s feasting and gift-giving celebrations. Supplies are gathered, the Meal is carefully prepared, all the far-flung spawn travel home to be with the family once again. Yes, the days of Cephalopodmas are wonderful, indeed. Read more on Killer Brains, Gamma-Ray Fungus, And Octopus Selfies, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog…
  all over the world

World Election Roundup: Australia To Remain Free Of Rule By Crazed Post-Apocalyptic Road Gangs A Little Longer

Today we thought we would circle past the Wonkette international desk – tucked away in a far corner of the newsroom, next to the janitorial supplies and a dusty pile of Butterstick references – and see what’s cookin’ overseas that does not have anything to do with Syria, because good Lord we’re tired of thinking about who is winning the “messaging battle” or whatever on Syria. First up: Russia, where the city of Moscow has re-elected as its mayor one Sergey Sobyanin, who has managed, to our knowledge, to never send pictures of his dick to random ladies he met on the Internet. No wonder we have never heard of him! Sobyanin is a longtime politician, leader of the largest political party in the country (United Russia), and a former Deputy Prime Minister of Russia. More importantly, he is a close ally of Vladimir Putin, who no doubt celebrated Sobyanin’s victory by downing a couple dozen shots of vodka and prank-calling Edward Snowden to ask if our intrepid hero has Prince Alexei Nikolaevich in a can. Read more on World Election Roundup: Australia To Remain Free Of Rule By Crazed Post-Apocalyptic Road Gangs A Little Longer…
  can you people handle this much nice time?

Neverending Nice Time: Aussie PM Kevin Rudd Smacks Down Bible Guy On Gay Marriage

Can we just say how totally in love we are with Australia’s Prime Minister Kevin Rudd this morning? Faced with a question/provocation from pastor and radio talker Matt Prater, Rudd first explained how his thinking on marriage equality has evolved, and then Prater pulled out his Bible quotes. This is where the conversation went into territory no American politician would ever dare: Read more on Neverending Nice Time: Aussie PM Kevin Rudd Smacks Down Bible Guy On Gay Marriage…