Tag Archives: austin

  Somehow Forgot To Leave Out A Bowl Of Communion Wafers

Muslim Texans Singing (American) National Anthem Shouted Down By The *Real* Patriots

She seems nice
Thursday was “Texas Muslim Capitol Day,” an annual event held to encourage Muslim Texans to visit the state capitol in Austin and learn about state government and how to meet with lawmakers and such. Which means, of course, that a few Patriotic TexAmericans decided that the Muslims were taking over the Capitol so they can CRAM SHARIA LAW DOWN ARE THROATS!!!1!! There were angry protestors out on the statehouse lawn, and state Rep. Molly White left this important message on her FacePlaceSpace: Read more on Muslim Texans Singing (American) National Anthem Shouted Down By The *Real* Patriots…
  Best Little Oilhouse In Texas

Incoming Texas Gov Has Had It Up To Here With You Yokels Governing Yourselves

Use Arial and clip art on your facebook, you know what's coming.
Freedom and local sovereignty are quite the big deal in Texas, unless you and your neighbors want to do something that’s plainly wrong, like banning fracking in your town, and then by golly it’s time to remember that the battle cry is States’ Rights, not city-of-Denton or city-of-Dallas rights, you damned splitters. Which is why Texas Gov.-elect Greg Abbott is warning that unless someone reigns in these turbulent municipal governments, then Freedom Itself is in danger. In fact, if the state government doesn’t unify things and tamp town on all this local control, Texas could turn into some kind of nightmare hellscape: Read more on Incoming Texas Gov Has Had It Up To Here With You Yokels Governing Yourselves…
  Baby You Can Repackage My Car Into a Toxic Security

Payday Lenders Find Sweet New Money-Printing Machine: Your POS 1992 Subaru

Donuts and predatory lending? Is this heaven?
America may not make the best cars or electronics, but our financial wizards still lead the rest of the world in creatively awful ideas. The newest pile of reeking investment garbage is a security fashioned from subprime auto title loans. Tell us about it, New York Times DealBook: Read more on Payday Lenders Find Sweet New Money-Printing Machine: Your POS 1992 Subaru…
  Tree Of Liberty Has No Comment At This Time

Anti-Government Loon Shot Up Austin, Has Nothing To Do With Other Anti-Government Loons

Tea Partier, or Renaissance Fair anachronism?
Here’s something you may have missed if you spent the weekend driving to Missoula and back so you could read some Kurt Vonnegut lovey-dovey stuff at your boss’s wedding. An antigovernment gun nut drove around downtown Austin, Texas, in the wee hours of Friday morning, firing over 100 rounds at police headquarters, a bank, and the federal courthouse. He also tried to burn down the Mexican consulate. Read more on Anti-Government Loon Shot Up Austin, Has Nothing To Do With Other Anti-Government Loons…
  gastronomy's greatest monster

Typical: King Barack Obama Eats Food Like Some Sort Of Person Who Gets To Eat Food

Looks like our arrogant Marie Antoinette the 14th President has gone and lorded it over We The People again, cutting into line at a famous Austin barbeque joint instead of going to the end like he’s supposed to. At Franklin Barbeque, where lines often run three to five hours long, the Imperial President said to hell with common decency as if he were a king or a pope or a good president, and just barged right on in: According to a pool report from The Statesman, Obama said, “I know this is a long line. I feel real bad, but – I’m gonna cut.” Oh sure, Barack. Like you felt bad about BENGHAZI. What has this country come to, we ask you? You can’t even recognize it anymore. WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK!! Read more on Typical: King Barack Obama Eats Food Like Some Sort Of Person Who Gets To Eat Food…
  At least it could have been worse

Austin Police Chief Graciously Does Not Sexually Assault Jaywalkers, Isn’t That Nice?

Oh Texas. Oh police. Oh Jesus H. Jaywalking Christ. Last week, we learned of the detainment of America’s most wanted criminal: a lady in Austin, Texas, who committed the terrible should-be-punishable-by-death offense of jaywalking, and then refused to provide her ID on account of not having her ID with her at the time. Naturally, the Austin police treated the matter with appropriate restraint by calling for reinforcement (instead, they got two bike cops), placing her under arrest, and throwing her in the back of the police car as she screamed that she’d done nothing wrong. Does this sound a tad extreme? Well, pffft and pshaw, because the police department was merely enforcing pedestrian and bike safety. Besides, according to Austin Police Chief Art Acevedo, it could have been a lot worse, so really, this hysterical jaywalking criminal ought to be a little more appreciative. She’s lucky I wasn’t the arresting officer, because I wouldn’t have been as generous. … In other cities there’s cops who are actually committing sexual assaults on duty, so I thank God that this is what passes for a controversy in Austin, Texas. Read more on Austin Police Chief Graciously Does Not Sexually Assault Jaywalkers, Isn’t That Nice?…
  you should see what they're planning for black history month

Campus Conservatives Planning Awesome Fun ‘Catch An Illegal’ Game At U of Texas

With that special blend of enthusiasm, snotty self-righteousness, and utter disregard for tact that can only be mustered by douchebags in their early 20s, the Young Conservatives of Texas will hold a hilariously fun “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game” at University of Texas at Austin. The festivities, planned for Wednesday, will involve club members walking around campus wearing signs reading “Illegal Immigrant.” Any student who captures them can turn them in at the Young Conservatives’ recruiting table for a bounty — a $25 gift certificate. Not sure where that can be redeemed; maybe the online gift shop for Stormfront? But don’t worry, it’s not “offensive!” According to a statement from the group’s spokeman, Lorenzo Garcia, whose very name insulates the group from any charge of racism forever and ever, the game is actually intended to “spark a campus-wide discussion about the issue of illegal immigration, and how it affects our everyday lives.” Because if there’s anything that everyday people can relate to in their everyday lives, it’s smug conservadouches spouting talking points about how illegals are takin’ our jerbs and getting a free ride, before rounding people up vigilante-style. Read more on Campus Conservatives Planning Awesome Fun ‘Catch An Illegal’ Game At U of Texas…
  lords of dogtown

The Last Picture Show (Until Tomorrow’s Picture Show) From Your Wonkette Drinky Thing And Orgy Or Whatever

See the lady in the middle? That is our old girl, Lilo, who did not even die on our 5800-mile trip from Los Angeles to Scottsdale to Santa Fe to Oklahoma to St. Louis to Chicago to Madison to Minneapolis to Lawrence to Norman to Dallas to Austin to home, probably because of how she skipped the whole middle part of the trip and we just picked her back up in Oklahoma again. But she did get beat up by our mom’s dogs, Joe Biden and Angela Davis, from whom she learned a valuable lesson about not walking in front of Angela Davis on the driveway, we guess! Anyway, here we are at East Side Pies, with a fuckton of Wonkers and Miss Lisa Wines (back from the dead!!!!) and our friend Sandra, AKA “Roxy.” Pizza was ate! Beer was drunk! Sweat was FUCKING COPIOUS. Click through for hot pixxx, and don’t forget: Miami Drinky Thing TONIGHT at South Beach Tiki Bar, 1505 Washington Ave., South Beach, Miami or something (where ARE we???) at 6 p.m.! Read more on The Last Picture Show (Until Tomorrow’s Picture Show) From Your Wonkette Drinky Thing And Orgy Or Whatever…
  so tired

Last Wonk Party Ever, Tonight!!!1! (Until That One In Miami Next Month)

Fuckin shit cocksuck goddamn we are never, ever, EVER going to get home and wrest the reins of this here mommyblog back from the Usurper, Doktor Zoom, who has doubtless been doing terrible things to it in the name of Skeeterfly or Princess Peachlumps or whatever. Because after we throw our Austin party TONIGHT (6 p.m., East Side Pies, 1401-B Rosewood Ave., across from the Carver library; East Side Pies just happened to be mentioned by the Rachel Maddow LAST NIGHT, because we are always RIGHT IN THE FUCKIN MIX), we are going to have to drive home, on the 10, America’s worst interstate besides any that go through Kansas. What we are saying is we are NEVER GOING TO GET HOME. We think we might have said that already? Read more on Last Wonk Party Ever, Tonight!!!1! (Until That One In Miami Next Month)…
  Norman Conquest

Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!

Attention Wonklahomans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is on its exciting “Homeward Bound: The Quickening” leg (also known as the “Hey, does this Prius smell funny to you?” leg), and is swinging back through the Sooner State tonight! As part of an exclusive two-day side tour of cities whose names sound like boys who get picked on in 8th grade, Wonk Your Brains Out follows its trip to Lawrence, Kansas with a stop in Norman, Oklahoma. TONIGHT! Tues., June 18, 6 p.m. at The Mont, 1300 Classen Blvd Norman, OK 73071, (405) 329-3330. We’ll be in the Tiki Hut! (It’s Doktor Zoom’s birthday, but he won’t be there, so maybe you could email him some beer!) Read more on Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!…
  the day before the morning after

Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!

Hey, Wonkansanites! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is thundering into your fine state like… like… like two road-ragey ladies in a Prius, we think! And tonight is the night that they will “drop the bomb” on Lawrence, Kansas, a joke that we are 100% certain you guys have not been thoroughly tired of since 1983 at all! Be there, or risk the fallout: Mon., June 17, 6 p.m.: Lawrence, Kansas. Frank’s North Star Tavern, 508 Locust St., Lawrence, KS, (785) 856-5080. Read more on Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!…
  children of the horn

Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!

Hola dudes, sorry we haven’t rapped at you lately, or uploaded all our pictures of your beautiful faces in Chicago, and Madison, and Minneapolis, and whatnot. We will get on that right away sort of! Are we going to throw a party in Des Moines, Iowa, for you tonight? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Goddamn are we tired. But we will be eating hamburgers and beer at El Bait Shop at 6 p.m., if you want to come and stare at us like a creep, or even NOT stare at us like a creep, but muster up your social skills and sit down at our table, and buy us dinner instead! (You don’t actually have to buy us dinner. BUT YOU COULD!) Read more on Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!…
  bottoms up

Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour Starts … Well, Almost Now!

And so it begins. Week One of our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour starts this coming Wednesday, and mama has yet to get a fucking tuneup, gah. Remember, all parties are free unless’n you want to bring a checkbook with donations for Habitat for Humanity, and no, you do not have to be a commenter to attend. We love lurkers best, since they are never BOTHERING us with their SHIT. (Also, you can bring some 20s if you want, we will be selling merch out of the trunk of our car, because “class.”) Wed., June 5, 6 p.m.: We begin in Sarah Palin’s new home state of Scottsdale, Arizona. There will be line dancing or something? We do not know, it is all fucked up. (BLAME LISA WINES, SHE PICKED IT.) Handlebar J, 7116 E Becker Ln., Scottsdale, AZ 85254, (480) 948-0110. Read more on Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour Starts … Well, Almost Now!…
  let's party!

Argue Amongst Yourselves: Announcing A Rough Draft Of The Wonket Drinky Thing Midwest/Southwest June World Tour!

O hai, we are just making this itinerary. We are getting in the car and actually taking a vacation, one that includes paying someone to be us on this here mommyblog while we are gone, so our only responsibilities for just shy of three weeks will be buying you beer and seeing our mama. It has no dates attached to it except for “mid to late June,” and many of the smaller places (we are talking to you Des Moines) are negotiable for other towns and cities nearby if we hear from a whole bunch of folks that, say, FUCK DES MOINES, etc. So check it: Somewhere around June 15 or 16 or one millionth, we leave Los Angeles for …. Read more on Argue Amongst Yourselves: Announcing A Rough Draft Of The Wonket Drinky Thing Midwest/Southwest June World Tour!…
  a time to kill a chair

Texas Patriot Lynches Obama Chair

If lynches were wishes, the president would be white. A nice patriotic fella down in Austin, Texas, has taken to protesting our Kenyan usurper president in the most calm and rational way possible: lynching an empty chair. Via Katherine Haenschen: I called the homeowner to ask about his display, citing my concerns as a fellow Austinite. He replied, and I quote, “I don’t really give a damn whether it disturbs you or not. You can take [your concerns] and go straight to hell and take Obama with you. I don’t give a shit. If you don’t like it, don’t come down my street.” Ironically, the homeowner in question, Bud Johnson, won “Yard of the Month” in August 2010 from his Homeowners Association. I guess his display was a little different that month? Correct, lady. It was August 2010, at the head of Teatard Mania, so he hung a man made of teabags with a “watermelon flavor” sign around the neck and, in case you didn’t get it, a small sign underneath that said “The Slow Drip of Liberty” and then next to it, “For Whites.” SUBTLETY. Read more on Texas Patriot Lynches Obama Chair…
  oopsie

Yeah Rick Perry Will Spend $25 Million Renovating Governor’s Mansion, Wanna Make Something Of It?

What up, Tejas? Oh, your health care system is the worst in the country, you rank 51st in the attainment of high school diplomas, and Rick Perry has just chopped $8 billion from education and Medicaid? (You know, in addition to turning down that free Medicaid from the feds, because federal money has syphilis?) Well, that’s just because Texas has priorities. Priorities like “screw things what are good for citizens; Rick Perry’s mansion’s too old!” Well not anymore it ain’t, now there is a spanking new $25 million renovation to the Governor’s Mansion with all the “old-growth” and “longleaf pine” Rick Perry’s simple heart could desire! Read more on Yeah Rick Perry Will Spend $25 Million Renovating Governor’s Mansion, Wanna Make Something Of It?…
  you only use spanish for insults

Texas Lawmaker Yells Down Man For Speaking Messican In State Senate

The Mexicans might be taking over the rest of America with their anchor babies and their Taco Bells, but God help Texas GOP Sen. Chris Harris if they will try to oppress him with their devil language while he is at work trying to oppress them. Texas lawmakers are busy trying to pass an Arizona-style bill giving law enforcement the right to ask anyone who looks Hispanic for proof of citizenship, which has the 37% of Texas residents who are Hispanic pretty annoyed. Speaking through a translator, immigrant rights activist Antolin Aguirre was trying to testify in Messican against the law when Harris interrupted him and demanded to know why he was using a lack of English to explain himself. Harris then mocked Aguirre for not being able to speak English as well as Messican after living in the U.S. for over 20 years. This is known as “Texas hospitality” for the non-whites. Video after the jump: Read more on Texas Lawmaker Yells Down Man For Speaking Messican In State Senate…
  what if the future was awesome?

Austin Is Awesome, Plans $50-Per-Year Electric Car Charging

How would you like to pay $50 per year to drive your car around? Instead of, say, a thousand dollars a year for gasoline (soon to be $2,000 a year)? The Austin City Council is considering a fifty-buck annual subscription to electric-car charging stations all over town. That’s four dollars a month! Read more on Austin Is Awesome, Plans $50-Per-Year Electric Car Charging…
  euthanasia the illegal alien

Creepy Guy In Van Has Ideas For Killing Everyone

Illegal Mexicans took all our jobs! For example, somebody who doesn’t even speak English got the job of painting a wingnut slogan on this creepy old van abandoned in the Austin airport garage. An American wingnut could’ve earned several sacks of anus burgers painting this slogan and still screwed the language just as much in the process. Thanks to Wonkette operative Matthew V. for documenting this particular outrage. Read more on Creepy Guy In Van Has Ideas For Killing Everyone…
  sexytimes

NEWT GINGRICH DID IT! Tipster/commenter bfstevie writes, “Saw the ‘American Solutions’ furry on the Wonkette. Turns out this is a ‘tri-partisan citizen action network’ whose General Chairman is Newt Gingrich.” Indeed! BUT: “Newt’s ‘welcome letter’ to the thoughtful tri-partisan web site uses the Einstein quote about insanity. This is the very same quote that the guy in Austin quoted in his mean spirited screed before he flew into a building.” Raid Newt Gingrich’s house for Saul Alinsky books — the only ones that count! Read more on …
  9/11 part eight or nine

Austin Plane Crash Fellow Writes Letter, For The Internet!

Yikes! Well, you can read the plane fellow’s manifesto, which seems to be confirmed as his by now. It is long and you can read it after the jump. We should expect to see more and more like this as the country falls apart over a select few’s greed, etc. Read more on Austin Plane Crash Fellow Writes Letter, For The Internet!…
  divine intervention

God Told Joe The Plunger Not To Run For Office

Hmm. So maybe there is one of those “God” things after all? When asked if he’d run for political office, unlicensed handyman and Constitutional originalist Joe Wurzelbacher said, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.'” Joe will be in Austin on July 3 to celebrate the day our anti-Communist Founding Fathers signed the Book of Mormon, which explicitly forbids taxation. Everyone’s invited! [WND via Think Progress] Read more on God Told Joe The Plunger Not To Run For Office…