Looks like our arrogant Marie Antoinette the 14th President has gone and lorded it over We The People again, cutting into line at a famous Austin barbeque joint instead of going to the end like he’s supposed to. At Franklin Barbeque, where lines often run three to five hours long, the Imperial President said to […]

Oh Texas. Oh police. Oh Jesus H. Jaywalking Christ. Last week, we learned of the detainment of America’s most wanted criminal: a lady in Austin, Texas, who committed the terrible should-be-punishable-by-death offense of jaywalking, and then refused to provide her ID on account of not having her ID with her at the time. Naturally, the […]

With that special blend of enthusiasm, snotty self-righteousness, and utter disregard for tact that can only be mustered by douchebags in their early 20s, the Young Conservatives of Texas will hold a hilariously fun “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game” at University of Texas at Austin. The festivities, planned for Wednesday, will involve club members walking […]

See the lady in the middle? That is our old girl, Lilo, who did not even die on our 5800-mile trip from Los Angeles to Scottsdale to Santa Fe to Oklahoma to St. Louis to Chicago to Madison to Minneapolis to Lawrence to Norman to Dallas to Austin to home, probably because of how she […]

Fuckin shit cocksuck goddamn we are never, ever, EVER going to get home and wrest the reins of this here mommyblog back from the Usurper, Doktor Zoom, who has doubtless been doing terrible things to it in the name of Skeeterfly or Princess Peachlumps or whatever. Because after we throw our Austin party TONIGHT (6 […]

Attention Wonklahomans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is on its exciting “Homeward Bound: The Quickening” leg (also known as the “Hey, does this Prius smell funny to you?” leg), and is swinging back through the Sooner State tonight! As part of an exclusive two-day side tour of cities whose […]

Hey, Wonkansanites! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is thundering into your fine state like… like… like two road-ragey ladies in a Prius, we think! And tonight is the night that they will “drop the bomb” on Lawrence, Kansas, a joke that we are 100% certain you guys have not […]

Hola dudes, sorry we haven’t rapped at you lately, or uploaded all our pictures of your beautiful faces in Chicago, and Madison, and Minneapolis, and whatnot. We will get on that right away sort of! Are we going to throw a party in Des Moines, Iowa, for you tonight? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Goddamn are we tired. […]

And so it begins. Week One of our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour starts this coming Wednesday, and mama has yet to get a fucking tuneup, gah. Remember, all parties are free unless’n you want to bring a checkbook with donations for Habitat for Humanity, and no, you do not have to […]

O hai, we are just making this itinerary. We are getting in the car and actually taking a vacation, one that includes paying someone to be us on this here mommyblog while we are gone, so our only responsibilities for just shy of three weeks will be buying you beer and seeing our mama. It […]

If lynches were wishes, the president would be white. A nice patriotic fella down in Austin, Texas, has taken to protesting our Kenyan usurper president in the most calm and rational way possible: lynching an empty chair. Via Katherine Haenschen: I called the homeowner to ask about his display, citing my concerns as a fellow […]

What up, Tejas? Oh, your health care system is the worst in the country, you rank 51st in the attainment of high school diplomas, and Rick Perry has just chopped $8 billion from education and Medicaid? (You know, in addition to turning down that free Medicaid from the feds, because federal money has syphilis?) Well, […]

The Mexicans might be taking over the rest of America with their anchor babies and their Taco Bells, but God help Texas GOP Sen. Chris Harris if they will try to oppress him with their devil language while he is at work trying to oppress them. Texas lawmakers are busy trying to pass an Arizona-style […]

How would you like to pay $50 per year to drive your car around? Instead of, say, a thousand dollars a year for gasoline (soon to be $2,000 a year)? The Austin City Council is considering a fifty-buck annual subscription to electric-car charging stations all over town. That’s four dollars a month! The Austin Business […]

Illegal Mexicans took all our jobs! For example, somebody who doesn’t even speak English got the job of painting a wingnut slogan on this creepy old van abandoned in the Austin airport garage. An American wingnut could’ve earned several sacks of anus burgers painting this slogan and still screwed the language just as much in […]