Tag Archives: austin

  Point and laugh some more

Wingnut Texas AG Has Hilarious, Beautiful Meltdown Over Gay Marriage

The schadenfreude is almost as fun as the equality.
You know how toddlers do sometimes when they skip their naps and the simplest perceived slight turns into a 30-minute-long RAGER of a screaming, crying temper tantrum? Well, that is what is happening to Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton right now, and it is beautiful. We’d say somebody should intervene, but we think we’re gonna have to just let him cry it out. He issued the following hysterical screed in response to Friday’s Supreme Court marriage equality ruling, because it just hurts so bad to be a fucking loser like Ken Paxton right now. Here are a few of the best quotes: Read more on Wingnut Texas AG Has Hilarious, Beautiful Meltdown Over Gay Marriage…
  The feud continues

Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America

Science experiment.
  Last week we laughed and laughed at Rick Santorum, who really thinks Pope Francis needs to shut right up about climate science, because the pope, despite having studied chemistry, is not a scientist. Why focus on things like that, when there are more important Poping duties out there, like slut-shaming and telling people to stop being gay? But damn godless liberal Pope Francis, he’s putting out an encyclical on climate change, despite Santorum’s advice to the contrary. Read more on Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America…
  RIP patriarchy

City Of Austin Sorry For Hiring ‘Experts’ To Teach How Lady Leaders Are Different From The Regular Kind

Chicks, amirite? With their pantyhose and periods and whatever else chicks are about, who knows, shoes and vacuums? It’s fine and good when they stick to doing their thing, like shopping and sammich-fixin’, but when they try to do a man’s job — like being on the city council of Austin, Texas — it can really throw everything out of order, and then no one knows how to handle themselves. So that’s when you gotta call in the professionals: Read more on City Of Austin Sorry For Hiring ‘Experts’ To Teach How Lady Leaders Are Different From The Regular Kind…
  ¡Viva Piñata!

Texas Landlords Bulldoze Piñata Store, Neglect To Tell Nice Tenants Because They’re Mexican

A pair of Austin landlords wanted some extra parking space for their upcoming SXSW event, so they decided to bulldoze the piñata party store belonging to two of their Mexican tenants. And no, they didn’t bother to notify their tenants beforehand, because they’d figure it out soon enough when they showed up to work and saw their building was gone. Read more on Texas Landlords Bulldoze Piñata Store, Neglect To Tell Nice Tenants Because They’re Mexican…
  Somehow Forgot To Leave Out A Bowl Of Communion Wafers

Muslim Texans Singing (American) National Anthem Shouted Down By The *Real* Patriots

She seems nice
Thursday was “Texas Muslim Capitol Day,” an annual event held to encourage Muslim Texans to visit the state capitol in Austin and learn about state government and how to meet with lawmakers and such. Which means, of course, that a few Patriotic TexAmericans decided that the Muslims were taking over the Capitol so they can CRAM SHARIA LAW DOWN ARE THROATS!!!1!! There were angry protestors out on the statehouse lawn, and state Rep. Molly White left this important message on her FacePlaceSpace: Read more on Muslim Texans Singing (American) National Anthem Shouted Down By The *Real* Patriots…
  Best Little Oilhouse In Texas

Incoming Texas Gov Has Had It Up To Here With You Yokels Governing Yourselves

Use Arial and clip art on your facebook, you know what's coming.
Freedom and local sovereignty are quite the big deal in Texas, unless you and your neighbors want to do something that’s plainly wrong, like banning fracking in your town, and then by golly it’s time to remember that the battle cry is States’ Rights, not city-of-Denton or city-of-Dallas rights, you damned splitters. Which is why Texas Gov.-elect Greg Abbott is warning that unless someone reigns in these turbulent municipal governments, then Freedom Itself is in danger. In fact, if the state government doesn’t unify things and tamp town on all this local control, Texas could turn into some kind of nightmare hellscape: Read more on Incoming Texas Gov Has Had It Up To Here With You Yokels Governing Yourselves…
  Baby You Can Repackage My Car Into a Toxic Security

Payday Lenders Find Sweet New Money-Printing Machine: Your POS 1992 Subaru

Donuts and predatory lending? Is this heaven?
America may not make the best cars or electronics, but our financial wizards still lead the rest of the world in creatively awful ideas. The newest pile of reeking investment garbage is a security fashioned from subprime auto title loans. Tell us about it, New York Times DealBook: Read more on Payday Lenders Find Sweet New Money-Printing Machine: Your POS 1992 Subaru…
  Tree Of Liberty Has No Comment At This Time

Anti-Government Loon Shot Up Austin, Has Nothing To Do With Other Anti-Government Loons

Tea Partier, or Renaissance Fair anachronism?
Here’s something you may have missed if you spent the weekend driving to Missoula and back so you could read some Kurt Vonnegut lovey-dovey stuff at your boss’s wedding. An antigovernment gun nut drove around downtown Austin, Texas, in the wee hours of Friday morning, firing over 100 rounds at police headquarters, a bank, and the federal courthouse. He also tried to burn down the Mexican consulate. Read more on Anti-Government Loon Shot Up Austin, Has Nothing To Do With Other Anti-Government Loons…
  gastronomy's greatest monster

Typical: King Barack Obama Eats Food Like Some Sort Of Person Who Gets To Eat Food

Looks like our arrogant Marie Antoinette the 14th President has gone and lorded it over We The People again, cutting into line at a famous Austin barbeque joint instead of going to the end like he’s supposed to. At Franklin Barbeque, where lines often run three to five hours long, the Imperial President said to hell with common decency as if he were a king or a pope or a good president, and just barged right on in: According to a pool report from The Statesman, Obama said, “I know this is a long line. I feel real bad, but – I’m gonna cut.” Oh sure, Barack. Like you felt bad about BENGHAZI. What has this country come to, we ask you? You can’t even recognize it anymore. WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK!! Read more on Typical: King Barack Obama Eats Food Like Some Sort Of Person Who Gets To Eat Food…
  At least it could have been worse

Austin Police Chief Graciously Does Not Sexually Assault Jaywalkers, Isn’t That Nice?

Oh Texas. Oh police. Oh Jesus H. Jaywalking Christ. Last week, we learned of the detainment of America’s most wanted criminal: a lady in Austin, Texas, who committed the terrible should-be-punishable-by-death offense of jaywalking, and then refused to provide her ID on account of not having her ID with her at the time. Naturally, the Austin police treated the matter with appropriate restraint by calling for reinforcement (instead, they got two bike cops), placing her under arrest, and throwing her in the back of the police car as she screamed that she’d done nothing wrong. Does this sound a tad extreme? Well, pffft and pshaw, because the police department was merely enforcing pedestrian and bike safety. Besides, according to Austin Police Chief Art Acevedo, it could have been a lot worse, so really, this hysterical jaywalking criminal ought to be a little more appreciative. She’s lucky I wasn’t the arresting officer, because I wouldn’t have been as generous. … In other cities there’s cops who are actually committing sexual assaults on duty, so I thank God that this is what passes for a controversy in Austin, Texas. Read more on Austin Police Chief Graciously Does Not Sexually Assault Jaywalkers, Isn’t That Nice?…
  you should see what they're planning for black history month

Campus Conservatives Planning Awesome Fun ‘Catch An Illegal’ Game At U of Texas

With that special blend of enthusiasm, snotty self-righteousness, and utter disregard for tact that can only be mustered by douchebags in their early 20s, the Young Conservatives of Texas will hold a hilariously fun “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game” at University of Texas at Austin. The festivities, planned for Wednesday, will involve club members walking around campus wearing signs reading “Illegal Immigrant.” Any student who captures them can turn them in at the Young Conservatives’ recruiting table for a bounty — a $25 gift certificate. Not sure where that can be redeemed; maybe the online gift shop for Stormfront? But don’t worry, it’s not “offensive!” According to a statement from the group’s spokeman, Lorenzo Garcia, whose very name insulates the group from any charge of racism forever and ever, the game is actually intended to “spark a campus-wide discussion about the issue of illegal immigration, and how it affects our everyday lives.” Because if there’s anything that everyday people can relate to in their everyday lives, it’s smug conservadouches spouting talking points about how illegals are takin’ our jerbs and getting a free ride, before rounding people up vigilante-style. Read more on Campus Conservatives Planning Awesome Fun ‘Catch An Illegal’ Game At U of Texas…
  lords of dogtown

The Last Picture Show (Until Tomorrow’s Picture Show) From Your Wonkette Drinky Thing And Orgy Or Whatever

See the lady in the middle? That is our old girl, Lilo, who did not even die on our 5800-mile trip from Los Angeles to Scottsdale to Santa Fe to Oklahoma to St. Louis to Chicago to Madison to Minneapolis to Lawrence to Norman to Dallas to Austin to home, probably because of how she skipped the whole middle part of the trip and we just picked her back up in Oklahoma again. But she did get beat up by our mom’s dogs, Joe Biden and Angela Davis, from whom she learned a valuable lesson about not walking in front of Angela Davis on the driveway, we guess! Anyway, here we are at East Side Pies, with a fuckton of Wonkers and Miss Lisa Wines (back from the dead!!!!) and our friend Sandra, AKA “Roxy.” Pizza was ate! Beer was drunk! Sweat was FUCKING COPIOUS. Click through for hot pixxx, and don’t forget: Miami Drinky Thing TONIGHT at South Beach Tiki Bar, 1505 Washington Ave., South Beach, Miami or something (where ARE we???) at 6 p.m.! Read more on The Last Picture Show (Until Tomorrow’s Picture Show) From Your Wonkette Drinky Thing And Orgy Or Whatever…
  so tired

Last Wonk Party Ever, Tonight!!!1! (Until That One In Miami Next Month)

Fuckin shit cocksuck goddamn we are never, ever, EVER going to get home and wrest the reins of this here mommyblog back from the Usurper, Doktor Zoom, who has doubtless been doing terrible things to it in the name of Skeeterfly or Princess Peachlumps or whatever. Because after we throw our Austin party TONIGHT (6 p.m., East Side Pies, 1401-B Rosewood Ave., across from the Carver library; East Side Pies just happened to be mentioned by the Rachel Maddow LAST NIGHT, because we are always RIGHT IN THE FUCKIN MIX), we are going to have to drive home, on the 10, America’s worst interstate besides any that go through Kansas. What we are saying is we are NEVER GOING TO GET HOME. We think we might have said that already? Read more on Last Wonk Party Ever, Tonight!!!1! (Until That One In Miami Next Month)…
  Norman Conquest

Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!

Attention Wonklahomans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is on its exciting “Homeward Bound: The Quickening” leg (also known as the “Hey, does this Prius smell funny to you?” leg), and is swinging back through the Sooner State tonight! As part of an exclusive two-day side tour of cities whose names sound like boys who get picked on in 8th grade, Wonk Your Brains Out follows its trip to Lawrence, Kansas with a stop in Norman, Oklahoma. TONIGHT! Tues., June 18, 6 p.m. at The Mont, 1300 Classen Blvd Norman, OK 73071, (405) 329-3330. We’ll be in the Tiki Hut! (It’s Doktor Zoom’s birthday, but he won’t be there, so maybe you could email him some beer!) Read more on Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!…
  the day before the morning after

Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!

Hey, Wonkansanites! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is thundering into your fine state like… like… like two road-ragey ladies in a Prius, we think! And tonight is the night that they will “drop the bomb” on Lawrence, Kansas, a joke that we are 100% certain you guys have not been thoroughly tired of since 1983 at all! Be there, or risk the fallout: Mon., June 17, 6 p.m.: Lawrence, Kansas. Frank’s North Star Tavern, 508 Locust St., Lawrence, KS, (785) 856-5080. Read more on Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!…
  children of the horn

Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!

Hola dudes, sorry we haven’t rapped at you lately, or uploaded all our pictures of your beautiful faces in Chicago, and Madison, and Minneapolis, and whatnot. We will get on that right away sort of! Are we going to throw a party in Des Moines, Iowa, for you tonight? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Goddamn are we tired. But we will be eating hamburgers and beer at El Bait Shop at 6 p.m., if you want to come and stare at us like a creep, or even NOT stare at us like a creep, but muster up your social skills and sit down at our table, and buy us dinner instead! (You don’t actually have to buy us dinner. BUT YOU COULD!) Read more on Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!…