Tag Archives: audio

  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure trove of alcohol-fueled rage, privilege, and score settling. There’s the Big Drama over Track’s maybe-lost St. George necklace, a talisman through which God Almighty bestowed His protection upon the War Hero: Read more on Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh…
  still not funny

You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To

Yesterday, we introduced you to the hip new trend: luring teenagers into your garage and lying in wait for them to burgle, so you can shoot them! How can you be a good guy with a gun if the bad guys don’t come around, for you to shoot them! Oddly, the police and prosecutors in Montana and Minnesota arrested the good guys with guns, just because they they murdered a bunch of teenagers, even though it was in their own homes and “castle doctrine” blah blah blah. The police were like, you seem to have been a little too excited about the shooting people and ground-standing and maybe opening your garage door, putting a purse in front of it, and then BLAM BLAM BLAMMING a high school student was a little much, see? One of the cases resulted in a conviction Tuesday (heads-up to Gawker, dude isn’t on trial, he’s already guilty). That case was Byron Smith of Little Falls, Minnesota, who claimed self-defense after lying in wait for a neighbor girl he suspected of being involved in a rash of break-ins, with a tarp at the ready to protect his basement rec-room floor, and then shooting her and her friend very very dead. Now a judge has released the audio. Do you have to listen to it? Maybe you do not love hearing teens murdered. But we actually think it is important to bear witness to the lengths to which Responsible Gun Owners will go to have their murder cake and eat their self defense too. Read more on You Should Listen To This Responsible Gun Owner Murder These Teenagers, Even Though You Do Not Want To…
  dumb jerks

Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People

Joe Biden, he’s this guy. He’s a big dumb jerk of a guy who thinks illegal immigrants are “American,” as even if. “Eleven million people living in the shadows I believed are already American citizens,” Biden said. “These people are just waiting, waiting for a chance to be able to contribute fully, and by that standard, 11 million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view.” Then there was a bunch of nonsense about “Teddy Roosevelt,” and “courage” and “a decent chance” for their children, some of whom are already citizens just because they were born here, as if that is even fair. Luckily, the commenters at CNS were there to set dumb jerk Joe Biden straight. Read more on Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People…
  duck season! homo season! duck season! homo season!

Erik Rush Gently Explains The Homos Have Brought On Their Coming Extermination All By Themselves

Around these parts, we spend a lot of time hatin’ the sin but lovin’ the sinner. You know “God don’t make no mistakes” and all that, so you can be gay just as long as you come into the chatroom and tell us all about it don’t do a bunch of scissoring and whatnot. But Erik Rush, recently seen warning that Barack Obama is going to nuke DC, because he is not a crazy person, has moved on from calling for the murder of all Muslims (in honor of freedom of Christian religion), and journalists (in honor of Free Speech Week), and is now gently splaining that when America “snaps” and “hunts homos,” it will be all the fault of this one gay lady, Sally Kohn. Hope you’re happy, Sally Kohn, you just started a massacree. Read more on Erik Rush Gently Explains The Homos Have Brought On Their Coming Extermination All By Themselves…
  cry me a river

Sad George Zimmerman Just Wants 911 Operator To Understand George Zimmerman Is A Really Great Guy

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy Well, here is a cake that has been taken! (It is not a cake we like.) George Zimmerman, arrested yesterday for threatening his pregnant girlfriend with a shotgun, called 911 to tattle on his girlfriend for calling the police on him — even though the police were already there. Operator, pretty much: “Are you fucking kidding?” George Zimmerman, basically direct quote: “I can’t talk to the cops who are here because they are ‘upset.'” (Also: “Weapons? Huh? Goodness no, ma’am, my girlfriend has the weapons with which she also probably murdered that boy! My girlfriend, MORGAN FAIRCHILD!”) Read more on Sad George Zimmerman Just Wants 911 Operator To Understand George Zimmerman Is A Really Great Guy…
  on the rag probably also too

Rush Limbaugh Doesn’t Think You Are A Human Come Sock; That Guy Over There Thinks You Are

Daily Kos is doing what Daily Kos does best, and that is getting all worked up about some little thing that hardly shouldn’t matter at all, and we for one cannot see why anyone would get their maxi pad in a twist about it: single mothers are looking for help from big daddies like Terry McAuliffe because we are “owed something,” and what did Terry McAuliffe say? Rush Limbaugh thinks Terry McAuliffe said “If you want to be a receptacle for male semen and not pay a price, I’m your guy.” But what if we want to be a receptacle for FEMALE semen, Terry McAuliffe? HMMMM? WHAT THEN? Read more on Rush Limbaugh Doesn’t Think You Are A Human Come Sock; That Guy Over There Thinks You Are…
  do you know who he is?

Let’s All Listen To Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst Calling Police To Get Niece Out Of Pokey

Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst is a man who cares about justice. He’s a big fan of gittin’ tough on crime, and a strong supporter of the death penalty, of course, because he’s a Texas Republican. But he’s also not without compassion for those who have been unjustly accused, especially if they are related to him. Which is why Dewhurst called the Allen Police Department to ask what could be done to get Ellen Bevers, his “step-niece-in-law,” out of jail after an August 3 arrest for shoplifting. It doesn’t appear he did anything improper or illegal — Allen police emphasized it’s not unusual for relatives to call for information, and Dewhurst told the sergeant he talked to that they should follow their normal procedures. Wonkette is very clear on this — even lieutenant governors are allowed to call to help their relatives, and sure, it’s entirely possible that this was a scanning error, not shoplifting. (Due process, y’all!) Oh, but that tone of voice. Dewhurst identifies himself several times as “David Dewhurst, Lieutenant Governor of the State of Texas,” and anyone who’s worked for that one boss will recognize the Alpha Male Voice of Authority coming through the phone. Give it a listen over here (fair warning: There be autoplay video at that link) Read more on Let’s All Listen To Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst Calling Police To Get Niece Out Of Pokey…
  fruits and nuts

Colorado Senate Lady Serves Up Healthy Word Salad About Diabetes, Fried Chicken, Armed Robbery, The Usual

What is going on in Colorado’s Economic Opportunity Poverty Reduction Task Force today? Oh, the usual: talking about reducing poverty by ending the War on Poverty, and also fried chicken and barbecue and Mexicans need to eat their vegetables so all the children can stop armed robbing each other out of boredom. You know: your usual Wednesday in the Derplands. (Audio at the link.) Tell us your thoughts, at length, state Senator Vicki Marble (R – duh): “the barbecue and the fried chicken and diabeetus and war on poverty and armed robbery and the Mexicans in Mexico they eat lots of vegetables but once they come up here they get Americanized and now they are fat and don’t eat their vegetables, and the blacks have sickle cell anemia and why do the children armed rob?” Direct quote y’all, we are pretty sure. Read more on Colorado Senate Lady Serves Up Healthy Word Salad About Diabetes, Fried Chicken, Armed Robbery, The Usual…
  go to jail go directly to jail

How Is Maureen Dowd Committing Journalistic Malpractice Today?

There is a bit of girl-on-girl violence going on at the moment, and it has nothing to do with Mitch McConnell and his Tea Bag friend. But who is instigating this Mean Girl parade? Oh, it is Maureen Dowd, imagine that. And why should she go to Journalism Jail today? Just for being, generally, the kind of lady “journalist” who probably is the reason Aaron Sorkin makes every one of his lady “journalist” characters a complete fucking emotional wreck of a nitwit who can’t find her labia majora with both hands and a mirror. (Because she and Aaron Sorkin used to bone. Sorry, try not to think about it.) Let’s get into it, we guess, sigh. Read more on How Is Maureen Dowd Committing Journalistic Malpractice Today?…
  is that all there is

ShockerScandalBreakingAndWhatNot! DC Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton Asks Someone For Money (In 2010)!

We were pretty sexcited to listen to this audio recording of DC’s congresswoman, Eleanor Holmes Norton, being “brazen” and “corrupt” and asking for “bribes.” From 2010. Which we laughed at when Andrew Breitbart first breathlessly posted it. Which The Young Turks just posted as news. Read more on ShockerScandalBreakingAndWhatNot! DC Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton Asks Someone For Money (In 2010)!…
  san francisco values

Listen To A Bunch Of Idiots On San Antonio Councilwoman’s Staff Try To Figure Out: What Makes A Gay?

San Antonio Councilwoman Elisa Chan just does not understand these disgusting teh gheyz and their gay sex in the butt and why they should adopt the children and other things, because seeing two women kissing confuses the childrens and is against nature, whatever. But she does not want to beat up on teh gheyz, so she hopes her staff will help her throw in some confusion into the issue of a nondiscrimination ordinance so that she does not have to state in front of other people how disgusting she finds the homosexing. Cool cool, that’s cool. Read more on Listen To A Bunch Of Idiots On San Antonio Councilwoman’s Staff Try To Figure Out: What Makes A Gay?…
  bamz's arms too short to box with god

Michele Bachmann’s God Is One Weird Fella

Super-sane and not at all Kaa-eyed congresslady Michele Bachmann prays to a fearsome G_d. First, He did Benghazi. Next, he will send the archangel Michael, probably disguised as a bunny, to wrestle the repeal pen into Barack Odumbo’s hand, and then Odumbo will sign the repeal of his signature law, Odumbocare, because Michele Bachmann prayed for it, and we will all be freed from the “yoke” of being permitted to buy insurance even if we already had tit-rot. RightWingWatch has the tape: Read more on Michele Bachmann’s God Is One Weird Fella…
  nugent speaks

Ted Nugent Has More ‘Metaphors’ About Shooting People To Death, Again

Ted Nugent, a wise and gentle seeker of cosmic truth, as well as a known lover of humanity and rainbows and raping people into submission, has made words with the butt on his face again, and would you be surprised to learn they involve shooting people with guns? We will wait as you pick yourself up off the floor, onto which we have just knocked you with this here feather. Read more on Ted Nugent Has More ‘Metaphors’ About Shooting People To Death, Again…
  someone please call 911

This Freaky-Deaky Priest For Pope

We do a lot of joshing with the Catholic Church, mostly because we do not particularly care for how Pope Nazi personally defrocked Jean-Bertrand Aristide, or the way he treats nuns (WE LOVE NUNS), or the protection racket the Church has got going on for its cavalcades of boy-diddling priests. (When your Editrix was a little girl, everyone knew Father Pat was molesting boys, and everyone felt very sorry for how broken he must have been; what we didn’t know was that the Church was busy moving its molesters to brand new parishes and victims.) As a Catholic ourself (and a Jew), we also believe it’s high time we allowed our (male or female) priests to marry — men or ladies, duh — because we think enforced celibacy makes you weird. Which brings us to this nice priest, and his 911 call asking for help getting out of his ballgag and handcuffs. Read more on This Freaky-Deaky Priest For Pope…
  i dreamed a dream

Hero Boss Fires 22 Employees, For America And Patriotism

Well, David Siegel, whom people jumped all over just because he plagiarized a hilarious chain letter and threatened to fire all his employees if B. Barry Bamz won the ‘lection, in favor of holing up in his 5000 room mansion, has changed his tune and will not be firing all his employees to make a point about Socialism. Instead, he gave them raises, like a total pussy! Luckily, another real American stepped into the breach to fire 22 people because he’s a vulgar poutmonster who didn’t get his way he is a patriot. Read more on Hero Boss Fires 22 Employees, For America And Patriotism…