attention whores

VISIONS OF AMERICA  6:44 pm June 8, 2012

Hillbilly Koran-Burning Pastor Does New Insane Thing For Attention

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Florida swamp monster Terry Jones needs money. Or he has run out of sedatives. Or, and we’re going to say this is the most likely one, he is feeling a little hard up these days, because he’s about to get a complimentary body cavity exam from the Secret Service: He put some kind of racist [...]

WEIRDER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED  10:20 pm November 4, 2011

Jesse Ventura Announces He Will Turn Into A Mexican

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

America’s second-most favorite whackadoodle ex-governor Jesse Ventura (whose crazy gave Minnesota such a hangover it then elected Tim Pawlenty) managed to gather enough bored reporters together to formally announce that he tragically lost his important lawsuit trying to get the government to quit letting TSA agents touch his nuts all the time. In revenge, he [...]

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MAYOR  12:04 pm August 27, 2010

Levi Johnston Retracts His Earlier Retraction Re: Sarah Palin’s Monstrousness

by Josh Fruhlinger

Oh, hey, did Levi Johnston do something to get his handsome but incipiently doughy face on TV again? Apparently! Or, at least, he said something noteworthy once he conned his way onto the CBS Early Show (though how hard could that have been, those people are desperate for stuff to put on the air and [...]

THEN AS FARCE  9:16 am August 10, 2010

Levi Johnston To Run For Political Office On Television, Just Like Jesus

by Josh Fruhlinger

Important news from Alaska! Now that Levi and Bristol’s re-engagement has ended its two-week run at the top of the charts, Levi obviously needs something new to keep him in the public eye, because without the adoration of millions he will literally fade into non-existence. Fortunately, Levi has the services of his indefatigable manager, “Tank [...]


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