Tag Archives: atheists

  Great advice if you're an idiot

Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids

Good advice bro!
It’s time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn’t exist! What’s wrong, “Elizabeth”? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn’t even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these “Jesus is imaginary like Santa” ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into! Read more on Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten.

The boss of you. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and we hope this post finds you fat and brunched up! We had quite a week, what with the first official debates of Fuckshow 2016. SPOILER ALERT: This campaign is going to be a real fuckshow. Read more on Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  weep for the oppressed Christian majority

North Carolina Official Not About To Listen To Ay-Rabs Makin’ Prayers To Allah Or Whoever

If you don't pray in Jesus's name, the big guy in the sky can't hear you.
North Carolina’s Lincoln County doesn’t have any Jewish, Muslim or Hindu houses of worship, but that does not mean the godless liberal Ay-rabs, with their San Francisco Sharia Law values, aren’t currently attacking the poor Christians who populate the rural county. This is why Carrol Mitchem, chairman of the Lincoln County Board of Commissioners, has chosen a particularly stupid passion in life, which is making sure all county meetings start with prayers to Jesus, only Jesus, and definitely none of them Funny Gods from Foreigner-ville: Read more on North Carolina Official Not About To Listen To Ay-Rabs Makin’ Prayers To Allah Or Whoever…
  Let's Get Some 'God With Us' Belt Buckles Too

Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God

How airplanes actually fly
You know, kids, Ted Cruz isn’t the only Christian in Congress. He’s the only one running for president (in a field of one declared candidate), but there are also decent God-fearing Christians like Rep. Sam Johnson of Texas, who has introduced a bill that will make sure “so help me God” is a mandatory part of the official oath at the Air Force Academy. This is especially important since jet aircraft fly so much closer to God than our ground forces are, and we wouldn’t want Him swatting them out of the air, now would we? Read more on Texas Rep. Finds Life’s Great Purpose: Forcing Air Force Cadets To Swear Oath To God…
  oklahomo ok!

Oklahoma Just Made It Easier For Everyone To Get Married, To Spite Gays! Thanks Gays!

Todd Russ (R-Dumbfuck), the wingnut who could accidentally make gay marriage even easier in Oklahoma
Oklahoma’s House of Representatives has gotten on its white horse and rode up to the rescue of poor, poor county clerks who just can’t be imposed upon to do their fucking jobs — issuing marriage licenses to everyone, even the homo sort — due to their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™. It’s passed a bill, introduced by State Rep. Todd Russ, which would take ALL MARRIAGE out of the hands of the state, and sign that responsibility over to Pastor Joseph who handles the snakes: Read more on Oklahoma Just Made It Easier For Everyone To Get Married, To Spite Gays! Thanks Gays!…
  Aroint Thee Witch

Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick

Oh bother, oh Baphomet.
The malign presence of Mitch Kahle, a confessed atheist witch-demon, has placed the Goodchristian town of Norton Shores, Michigan, in a Peril of losing its magick protections against evil. Kahle has already used his darck maege powers to beguile the smallbarons who do sitte upon the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners; And lo they did as he bade, purging the works of the Lord from the land. A blessed inscription of a Psalm at a publick parck is e’en now been rent asunder, and by some weirde alchemy, a towering crucifix that once stood proude on the commone Lande is become a scow’s anchor. Read more on Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Figgy Pudding In August

Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year

And keep Sol in Sol Invictus!
Just as America’s scruffy secularists had Christmas tied to the railroad tracks so they could kill it once and for all, Kirk “Banana Man” Cameron is riding to the rescue with a movie called “Saving Christmas,” which will rescue the wildly popular holiday and its $600 billion in retail sales from almost certain extinction. Glenn Beck’s Home For Culture War Snits reports that Cameron expects the movie to make atheists really mad and bummed out: Read more on Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year…
  unclear on the concept

Mayor Pretty Sure Atheists Are Just Like Nazis Or The KKK, Take Your Pick

Perhaps if you are a small-town mayor, you crave recognition. You just want someone to know you’re there, that you’re master of your tiny-ish domain. And any publicity is good publicity, right? So why not engage in a really cartoonish level of textbook bad behavior about religion and free speech, making it a foregone conclusion that the ACLU will sue your pants off? That’s really the only explanation we can think of to account for Jim Fouts, mayor of Warren, Michigan, who decided that he should compare atheists to Nazis and KKK members after they had the goddamn gall to ask to set up a little atheist chat-type thing next to the town’s Jesus station that lives in City Hall. Read more on Mayor Pretty Sure Atheists Are Just Like Nazis Or The KKK, Take Your Pick…
  unholy matrimony

Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat

It’s been a rough couple years for good old traditional Jesus marriage. You had the Supreme Court make DOMA go away last year, and then pretty much every state, even the super-conservative ones, have been all like “sure, get gay married, whatevs.” Weirdly, the Republic has not yet collapsed, but the final straw probably just got laid atop America’s coffin, or some equally overheated metaphor, because the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals just ruled that godless atheists can perform wedding ceremonies in Indiana. America, you had a good run. Read more on Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  History 101

Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever

Good morning, godless heathens who are destroying America with your godless heathenism! Whatcha doin’? Destroying America with your godless heathenism? Yeah, we thought so. And Texas Rep. Louis Gohmert, perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, would sure like you to stop doing that. Gohmert is one of the mostest greatest deep thinking deep thinkers of our time, who is A Expert on all matters of importance in this day and age, including caribou sexytime, how the damned poors get fat on crab legs with their food stamps, and why, just hypothetically speaking, Congress should maybe impeach President Obama if he ever lets Republicans force him to default on America’s debt. So how is Gohmert trying to help us save us from ourselves and the total destruction of these United States? Supporting increasing the minimum wage? Encouraging the uninsured to enroll in Obamacare? Free abortion on demand? Hahaha, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Gohmert’s save America plan today is so much simpler than all that commie nonsense. Read more on Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever…
  village idiot in a village full of idiots

Joe Klein Writes Terrible Thing, Is Terrible Person

Your Wonkette does not usually pay attention to Joe Klein, political hack and villager extraordinaire. Something about the guy just sets our teeth on edge. Is it his enormous douchebaggery? Sure, let’s go with enormous douchebaggery. But boy do we have to tip our hat to this sludge-brained fuckwit today for the epic bit of trolling he pulled off in his cover story in this week’s issue of Time, which is a thing that still exists so that the Joe Kleins of the world can have a wide audience for whatever poop drips out of their brain pans through their fingers onto a keyboard and thus gets passed onto the world. What did the world ever do to you, Joe Klein, to deserve this? Read more on Joe Klein Writes Terrible Thing, Is Terrible Person…
  and when you pray do not be like the hypocrites

Thank God This Arizona Republican Was There To Redo Invocation Ruined By Filthy Atheist Secular Humanist, Gross

Yesterday, we had a bit of a warm feeling where we’re told our heart should be when a Godless Arizona Democrat used his turn to give the legislature’s invocation to invite his fellow lawmakers to look around and see their common humanity, their fellowship, that whether they agreed on certain issues or not, they were all here at this moment in time to help better society for Arizona and mankind. HAW HAW HAW DUMMY. Well, by the end of the day, a Republican senator had “redone” the invocation cause it wasn’t to Jebus and didn’t count. Not only that, but when Rep. Steve Smith invited his fellows to redo the prayer with him, it was in “repentance” for having mocked God by not praying in the way commanded by Rep. Steve Smith. Hooboy. Sorry Dok. Read more on Thank God This Arizona Republican Was There To Redo Invocation Ruined By Filthy Atheist Secular Humanist, Gross…