Tag Archives: atheists

  Aroint Thee Witch

Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick

Oh bother, oh Baphomet.
The malign presence of Mitch Kahle, a confessed atheist witch-demon, has placed the Goodchristian town of Norton Shores, Michigan, in a Peril of losing its magick protections against evil. Kahle has already used his darck maege powers to beguile the smallbarons who do sitte upon the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners; And lo they did as he bade, purging the works of the Lord from the land. A blessed inscription of a Psalm at a publick parck is e’en now been rent asunder, and by some weirde alchemy, a towering crucifix that once stood proude on the commone Lande is become a scow’s anchor. Read more on Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Figgy Pudding In August

Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year

And keep Sol in Sol Invictus!
Just as America’s scruffy secularists had Christmas tied to the railroad tracks so they could kill it once and for all, Kirk “Banana Man” Cameron is riding to the rescue with a movie called “Saving Christmas,” which will rescue the wildly popular holiday and its $600 billion in retail sales from almost certain extinction. Glenn Beck’s Home For Culture War Snits reports that Cameron expects the movie to make atheists really mad and bummed out: Read more on Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year…
  unclear on the concept

Mayor Pretty Sure Atheists Are Just Like Nazis Or The KKK, Take Your Pick

Perhaps if you are a small-town mayor, you crave recognition. You just want someone to know you’re there, that you’re master of your tiny-ish domain. And any publicity is good publicity, right? So why not engage in a really cartoonish level of textbook bad behavior about religion and free speech, making it a foregone conclusion that the ACLU will sue your pants off? That’s really the only explanation we can think of to account for Jim Fouts, mayor of Warren, Michigan, who decided that he should compare atheists to Nazis and KKK members after they had the goddamn gall to ask to set up a little atheist chat-type thing next to the town’s Jesus station that lives in City Hall. Read more on Mayor Pretty Sure Atheists Are Just Like Nazis Or The KKK, Take Your Pick…
  unholy matrimony

Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat

It’s been a rough couple years for good old traditional Jesus marriage. You had the Supreme Court make DOMA go away last year, and then pretty much every state, even the super-conservative ones, have been all like “sure, get gay married, whatevs.” Weirdly, the Republic has not yet collapsed, but the final straw probably just got laid atop America’s coffin, or some equally overheated metaphor, because the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals just ruled that godless atheists can perform wedding ceremonies in Indiana. America, you had a good run. Read more on Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  History 101

Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever

Good morning, godless heathens who are destroying America with your godless heathenism! Whatcha doin’? Destroying America with your godless heathenism? Yeah, we thought so. And Texas Rep. Louis Gohmert, perpetual contender for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, would sure like you to stop doing that. Gohmert is one of the mostest greatest deep thinking deep thinkers of our time, who is A Expert on all matters of importance in this day and age, including caribou sexytime, how the damned poors get fat on crab legs with their food stamps, and why, just hypothetically speaking, Congress should maybe impeach President Obama if he ever lets Republicans force him to default on America’s debt. So how is Gohmert trying to help us save us from ourselves and the total destruction of these United States? Supporting increasing the minimum wage? Encouraging the uninsured to enroll in Obamacare? Free abortion on demand? Hahaha, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Gohmert’s save America plan today is so much simpler than all that commie nonsense. Read more on Rep. Louie Gohmert Still Yammering About Christian Countries Or Whatever…
  village idiot in a village full of idiots

Joe Klein Writes Terrible Thing, Is Terrible Person

Your Wonkette does not usually pay attention to Joe Klein, political hack and villager extraordinaire. Something about the guy just sets our teeth on edge. Is it his enormous douchebaggery? Sure, let’s go with enormous douchebaggery. But boy do we have to tip our hat to this sludge-brained fuckwit today for the epic bit of trolling he pulled off in his cover story in this week’s issue of Time, which is a thing that still exists so that the Joe Kleins of the world can have a wide audience for whatever poop drips out of their brain pans through their fingers onto a keyboard and thus gets passed onto the world. What did the world ever do to you, Joe Klein, to deserve this? Read more on Joe Klein Writes Terrible Thing, Is Terrible Person…
  and when you pray do not be like the hypocrites

Thank God This Arizona Republican Was There To Redo Invocation Ruined By Filthy Atheist Secular Humanist, Gross

Yesterday, we had a bit of a warm feeling where we’re told our heart should be when a Godless Arizona Democrat used his turn to give the legislature’s invocation to invite his fellow lawmakers to look around and see their common humanity, their fellowship, that whether they agreed on certain issues or not, they were all here at this moment in time to help better society for Arizona and mankind. HAW HAW HAW DUMMY. Well, by the end of the day, a Republican senator had “redone” the invocation cause it wasn’t to Jebus and didn’t count. Not only that, but when Rep. Steve Smith invited his fellows to redo the prayer with him, it was in “repentance” for having mocked God by not praying in the way commanded by Rep. Steve Smith. Hooboy. Sorry Dok. Read more on Thank God This Arizona Republican Was There To Redo Invocation Ruined By Filthy Atheist Secular Humanist, Gross…
  Amendments Other Than The Second

Atheists Accept Georgia Governor’s Kind Offer To Place Literature ‘From All Groups’ In State Campgrounds

It seems that someone in the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, which runs the state’s parks, decided that if Bibles are good enough for motel rooms, then sure, why not distribute them in the cabins in state parks, too? But then Ed Buckner, the former head of American Atheists, went camping and found a Bible in his state-owned cabin that he rented from a state agency. Because he hates America, he raised a stink about how the Constitution maybe doesn’t allow the State Of Georgia to act like Motel 6, saying that “When you go into a state park cabin and the only piece of religious literature there is a Protestant Bible, that suggests the government’s endorsed that particular perspective.” We do not see why he is so upset, though, because as a whole lot of Christians pointed out, when the state provided him with a Protestant Bible in a state-owned cabin, that is not really an endorsement of any particular religious views because nobody forced him to read the Bible, now did they? Needless to say, they would also not consider it a church-state issue if the cabin’s nightstand contained only a Quran instead. We’re pretty sure of that. Read more on Atheists Accept Georgia Governor’s Kind Offer To Place Literature ‘From All Groups’ In State Campgrounds…
  thou shalt not publish thy editor's wife

Washington Post’s Sally Quinn Does Magick, Knows God Loves Mitt Romney

Vapid publisher’s spouse and party-planning expert Sally Quinn has heaved up another of her insightful “On Faith” columns. This is a person who has in the past used her column to explore the spiritual dilemmas involved in choosing a Dancing With the Stars victor; explaining that 50 Shades of Grey actually reflects a “religious phenomenon” (holy fuck!); oh, and by the way, no big deal, told a panel this week that she is a witch (we can hardly wait to see what the Maine GOP thinks of that!). So we were not expecting Deep Thought; but this time she’s gone especially shallow: When Mitt Romney mentioned the “Creator” in the debate Wednesday, he owned it. “We’re all children of the same God,” he said. That’s about 85 percent of the country he was talking to. That should have been President Obama’s constituency but he let Romney have it as he let Romney have the debate. We were not aware that it was actually possible to call dibs on The Almighty, but Mitt apparently did indeed own that round, and Obama compounded his error by missing the chance to call “shotgun.” Read more on Washington Post’s Sally Quinn Does Magick, Knows God Loves Mitt Romney…
  Part 5: England Narrowly Escapes the Age of Reason

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Haunt Your Home-Schooled Dreams

Charge up your Flux Capacitors, folks! It’s time for our weekly foray into the past — or at least, the past as it happened in the fevered imaginations of fundamentalist Christians. Our text is again World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective (A Beka Book, 1997). This book does, in its tendentious way, present mostly-factual history. You actually could learn a lot about world history from World History, even if you dismiss the Creationist nonsense, the relentless anti-Catholicism, and the obsession with connecting historical events to the ideological hobby-horses of the modern American religious right. We only focus on the craziest stuff here in our Sunday series. On the other hand, there’s also been enough crazy for five posts so far, and we’re only up to the 18th century. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Haunt Your Home-Schooled Dreams…
  You Say You Want A Revolution?

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings

Welcome back, hearty Time Tourists, to our continued explorations of a 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective (A Beka Book, 1997). We’re up to the 18th century now, so you know what that means! The Age Of Enlightenment, that heady time when brilliant thinkers like Locke, Voltaire, Rousseau, Jefferson, and Paine freed the human mind from the darkness of superstition and tyranny, bringing a new spirit of egalitarianism and liberty! Or, more likely, tyranny, atheism, and death! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings…
  where is your god now?

In Wake Of Temple Shooting, Pat Robertson Strikes Ecumenical Note: ‘It’s The Atheists’

We never thought we would live to see the day when gross old perv Pat Robertson declared that whether worshiping at a Baptist church or a Sikh temple, all believers were worshiping God. The fuck you say! Luckily, Robertson immediately restored our faith in him by explaining all these horrible massacres are committed by (who else?) ATHEISTS. Read more on In Wake Of Temple Shooting, Pat Robertson Strikes Ecumenical Note: ‘It’s The Atheists’…
  heaven is a place where nothing ever happens

Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Oh No Here Comes An Atheist

Since many of MSNBC’s afternoon shows have fallen flat and Dylan Ratigan left to find himself, the network had to act fast. So what do many of these boring shows with blah ratings have in common? Only one host! So MSNBC thought, our ratings will HAVE to go up if we have a show with FIVE hosts right?! It’s basic MATH! Here we come Fox News! Five people limping towards the finish line. So now we have The Cycle. You know, like your period! One of the hosts of The Cycle is S.E Cupp. A Republican and an atheist. So you would think since she doesn’t believe Jesus is coming on horseback to slay the Jews and Gays she may be smarter than your average Republican. But it appears to sell books she needs to be a self-hating atheist. IT IS SO HARD 2 B SMART! Read more on Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Oh No Here Comes An Atheist…
  'free' speech is for socialists

Atheists Win Right To Molest Christian Eyes With Godless Bus Ads

“Is God irrelevant?” This is the question that wingnut Arkansas Christians will now be required by court ruling to consider every time they ride, see or get hit by public buses in Little Rock, because of some atheist bus ads. A group of pagans/sharias/goat-worshippers/Christine O’Donnell won a lawsuit allowing them to place ads promoting atheism on public buses after first being rejected because the group could not afford the massively expensive damage insurance against freaky Christian mobs spontaneously showing up to go all “crucifixion crazy” on the ads and buses. So, hooray! First Amendment Jesus is alive or dead depending on which of these two groups you ask, atheists or wingnuts, because Jesus wants people to be free to speak their minds/ wants people to be able to walk freely through the streets without a steaming pile of cheeky godlessness oppressing the good Christian vibe. Read more on Atheists Win Right To Molest Christian Eyes With Godless Bus Ads…
  'free' speech is for socialists

Atheists Told To Buy ‘Insane Christian’ Insurance To Protect Atheist Bus Ads

A group of Arkansas atheists attempting to run ads on public buses promoting their beliefs are being asked to pay a $36,000 insurance premium because the bus company’s ad agency fears terrible Christian vandals will set fire to the buses, or something. The improbable-sounding group — “Arkansas atheist” is like hearing “Detroit real-estate investment boom” — had hoped to buy $5,000 worth of ads telling people things like, “many people enjoy a godless lifestyle just fine, like the Pope.” But probably wingnuts will be upset about this, because Jesus did not believe in free speech, and the Bible teaches followers to belligerently attack anyone who says something you don’t like about your Prophet Muhammed God. It’s okay, because public transportation is also socialist! Read more on Atheists Told To Buy ‘Insane Christian’ Insurance To Protect Atheist Bus Ads…
  grandpa speak

Newt Gingrich: America To Become Simultaneously Islamic, Atheist

“I have two grandchildren — Maggie is 11, Robert is 9,” Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.” Read more on Newt Gingrich: America To Become Simultaneously Islamic, Atheist…
  nice try moon

Man Doesn’t Believe In Gravity, Will Interview President

Let’s all cue this video up to 1:40. Yes, this atheist is rather dumb, because he doesn’t seem to understand either: The Moon creates the tides. It’s called “gravity,” a revolutionary new theory. Will NASA please tow the Moon away from Earth so we can show Bill O’Reilly his single belief is incorrect? Hopefully in time for Barack Obama’s interview with him on Super-Bowl Sunday. What? Read more on Man Doesn’t Believe In Gravity, Will Interview President…
  campaign ads

Liddy Dole Attacks Opponent For Attending Fundraiser With ATHEISTS

Here’s a very controversial ad from Liddy Dole in North Carolina, where she will probably lose her Senate seat for being annoying. Oh and look, the exact O.E.D. definition of “desperation” just happens to be this video’s YouTube description: “A new ad from U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Dole attacks Kay Hagan for attending a fundraiser hosted by people tied to an atheist group.” The end of this video asks, “She hid from cameras, took godless money. What did Hagan promise in return?” …to kill Jesus?? [YouTube] Read more on Liddy Dole Attacks Opponent For Attending Fundraiser With ATHEISTS…
 

Don’t forget to tune in tomorrow when Ronald Reagan (Junior) appears on Air America’s great new Saturday show about being atheists. [Fox News]
 

Old Jazzbo Hippie Claims Cheney Just Invaded Iraq For The Oil

Some little hipster clarinet player from NYU is claiming the Iraq invasion and occupation was all about securing oil supplies for America. Oh and what is that sticking out of Jazzbo Al’s tattered raincoat? A worn paperback of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged,” which he actually first read when she was writing it, when he was screwing some gal in Rand’s “inner circle” and writing angry letters to the New York Times about how “parasites who persistently avoid either purpose or reason perish as they should.” That’s right, we’re talking about former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan! Read more on Old Jazzbo Hippie Claims Cheney Just Invaded Iraq For The Oil…