Tag Archives: associated press

  Starting to lose count here

Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?

No, none come to mind
Image via screen grab When woman after woman kept coming forward in the Tiger Woods adultery scandal, I kept hoping it would hit 18, just for all the wonderful “18 holes” jokes that would practically write themselves. Read more on Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Lesbian Who Taught Obama How To Wreck America (Video)

Rachel Maddow covered a story Thursday that she said was “amazing” it hasn’t been told before now. It’s still a little hard to believe just a decade and some years later. Penny Severns was the woman who taught Barack Obama the ropes in the Illinois Senate and who would almost certainly have gone on to become nationally prominent if she hadn’t been killed by breast cancer in 1998. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Lesbian Who Taught Obama How To Wreck America (Video)…
  But He Won't Do That

Gov. Kasich Will Still Murder Your Obamacare, Ohio, Except For All The Parts Of It

Mentoring means the kids get Mentos, right?
This one makes a lot of sense: Ohio Gov. John Kasich kind of embarrassed himself by speaking a very uncomfortable truth Monday, saying that even though Republicans like to talk about repealing Obamacare, it’s just “not gonna happen,” and that Republican opposition to the Affordable Care Act was “really either political or ideological.” Or at least that’s what the Associated press quoted him as saying. Read more on Gov. Kasich Will Still Murder Your Obamacare, Ohio, Except For All The Parts Of It…
  Not That Lady Bunny

If This Dog Were Black, The AP Would Say It ‘Looted’ This Wallet

The AP reports — via the Juneau Empire — that Maltese pup “Lady Bunny” “found” a dude’s wallet, which last he saw was right in his pocket. The AP, calling the dog’s deed “great,” does not even question whether Lady Bunny is a fucking pickpocket robber stealer thief — despite ending with the prior bad acts that Lady Bunny regularly perpetrated against her neighbors’ shoes. Read more on If This Dog Were Black, The AP Would Say It ‘Looted’ This Wallet…
  journamalism

AP Retracts Story Claiming Terry McAuliffe Did A Fraud Because He Did Not Do The Fraud

It’s perfectly understandable how someone might see the initials “TM” on a legal document and instantly think “candidate for governor of Virginia and former Clinton jerk Terry McAuliffe!” and then write a widely circulated story about how Terry McAuliffe did all the crimes, ever — that is, if “someone” was in the habit of cashing checks signed by Ghost Andrew Breitbart or some such “person.” However, we did not expect this kind of behavior from the Associated Press. Well! Guess who’s got two thumbs and is naive? Read more on AP Retracts Story Claiming Terry McAuliffe Did A Fraud Because He Did Not Do The Fraud…
  chilling effects

Justice Department Gets All Nixony Up In AP

The Associated Press reports that the Justice Department “secretly obtained two months of telephone records” of its reporters and editors in what appears to be an attempt to discover the identity of a leaker. Not to stop a terrorist or save a hostage or rescue adorable puppies from the Grinch, but to figure out who gave the AP information that made its way into a 2012 news story. For crying out loud, John Boehner’s spokesman said today, “The First Amendment is first for a reason. If the Obama Administration is going after reporters’ phone records, they better have a damned good explanation.” The revelation led Kid Zoom to say “Damn, there’s something I agree with John Boehner about instead of Obama?” Shame on you, Mr. President! We have a really hard time worshipping the water you walk on when you pull shit like this. Read more on Justice Department Gets All Nixony Up In AP…
  capitalism sheds a tear

America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs

Today is a sad day for Americans because we are losing a quintessentially American dessert, maybe forever. This is mostly the fault of commie liberal “labor” unions who have the NERVE to demand a living wage for their work, which makes the whole thing double plus sad. Of course, it isn’t actually the fault of labor unions but corporate spokespeople the media has SAID it’s the fault of labor unions so CASE CLOSED, no lessons to learn here other than labor unions mean no dessert, ever, for anyone, in Obama’s America. Read more on America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs…
  Could This Be The End of Little Psycho?

Sad Face: Wonkette Bread And Butter Michele Bachmann May Be In Trouble

We’d really hate to jinx anything, so we are typing this with our fingers crossed: America’s Craziest Legislator Michele Bachmann (R-Circular Ruins), despite the advantages of a fanatical national following and a very conservative district, just might not be a shoo-in for reelection this fall. (Also, OW! OW! OW! Do not try to type that way.) Read more on Sad Face: Wonkette Bread And Butter Michele Bachmann May Be In Trouble…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions (“Where do fat people come from?”) have simple answers (“Arby’s”). So she is sometimes able to spend her time doing enjoyable things, like celebrating her wedding anniversary with Barack Obama, or going to the local Mom-and-Pop Target store to buy toothpaste and iPod accessories for Malia. But does she do these things for real, or for lies? LIES, IT’S ALL LIES is the answer, according to America’s shouting radio and teevee heroes. Why else would Michelle Obama walk around a Target store, besides the obvious reason of deception? Read more on Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie…
  future shock

CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose

What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN! Read more on CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose…
  mean corporates

DOES ANYONE DETECT A TOUCH OF GLOATING IN THIS ASSOCIATED PRESS ARTICLE? “NEW YORK (AP) — A judge has urged that a copyright dispute between an artist and The Associated Press over the Barack Obama ‘HOPE’ image be settled quickly. Federal Judge Alvin Hellerstein said Friday at a hearing in New York that he has a feeling that ‘whether it’s sooner or later, The Associated Press is going to win’ the case. SUCK IT, BITCH.” No just kidding, the AP article did not say “SUCK IT, BITCH.” But they totally thought it and wanted to say it. [AP] Read more on …
  rumors on the internets

Goldman Sachs Exceeds Quarterly Expectations, Snorts a Record Amount of Cocaine

Just more proof that the Associated Press is controlled by Erik Erickson and the Pharmaceutical Knights Templar. [Matt Yglesias] When will you whiny liberals thank S&M black belt John Yoo for correcting FISA’s many typos and run-on sentences? And why aren’t you more appreciative of all the fabulous features he added in the process, like the provision for warrantless NSA succubus home invasions? [Think Progress] Read more on Goldman Sachs Exceeds Quarterly Expectations, Snorts a Record Amount of Cocaine…
  republicans in the news

Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?

Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days. Read more on Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?…
  mama's got a squeeze box

AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players

It’s the New Associated Press! Less boring facts and whatever, and more shitty, shitty writing like you might find on a Live Journal, for the Retarded. Let’s enjoy some of the dozens of terrible metaphors in today’s AP feature on how John McCain is a shameful old fraud who should be locked in a bag of snakes and dropped down an oil well — no, wait! John McCain is actually like, uh, a person who plays the accordion. Because he’s super old, right?! Uhhh …. Read more on AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players…
 

A Children’s Treasury Of Hilarious Comments About The AP On Hillary’s Blog

This morning, the Associated Press wrote that Hillary would concede the delegate race to Barack Obama tonight, which is very nearly the same thing as “conceding the race.” The Clinton campaign then called this story 100% false and said Hillary won’t be concedin’ nothin’ tonight. And since Hillary’s rabid loyalists are already peeved with the media’s coverage of the campaign, the AP’s little “gambit” here has set off quite a storm on Hillary Clinton’s official “blog,” in the comments. An arbitrary selection of the best comments, after the jump. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Hilarious Comments About The AP On Hillary’s Blog…
 

Associated Press Vehemently Hates Hillary

You may have gathered from this photo that Hillary, like ol’ Barry Obama last week, put on a big media show at a freaking gas station today to illustrate how much the high prices hurt her feelings, as an American motorist. The Associated Press — the most objective news source ever — covered this event, as they have every other event in world history, and put out the most bitter, sarcastic write-up imaginable. Check out the first few paragraphs after the jump, because they are a stitch. Read more on Associated Press Vehemently Hates Hillary…
 

AP Forgets Ben Johnson Saga In Year’s Top Stories

Editors at the Associated Press have picked the year’s top 10 stories, and we expected the presidential campaign to be like, you know, top five or something, right? Well, it lands in at #8 — coincidentally one spot ahead of the immigration debate. Now it’s official: Immigration is almost the same thing as this election. Anyway, some other shit happened this year — who knew! — so full list after the jump. Read more on AP Forgets Ben Johnson Saga In Year’s Top Stories…
 

Decoding the Note: That Giant Wire Reporter Will Crush Us All!

Ron Fournier, the Associated Press’ chief political writer, announced today that he was stepping down to do some crazy internet thing instead (new Fishbowl editor?). We wish him the best, as he’s obviously one of the very best in the business. That does not excuse today’s Note. Read more on Decoding the Note: That Giant Wire Reporter Will Crush Us All!…