Tag: associated press

He does not even seem nice

Looks Like We’re Gonna Have Darrell Issa To Kick Around Some More

Almost guaranteed to be a sore winner.
Illegal models terkin' our jerbs!

Documents Reveal Melania Trump Worked Illegally But Was Never A Mexican

But did she send any emails? No? Never mind, then.

Hillary Clinton History Woman Preznit US America, Bernie Sanders GRRRR ARGH

If he were Hillary, we would wonder if he were on the rag.

Associated Press Calls Democratic Primary For Hillary Clinton, Who Is Tyrant King Of You Now

Holy crap, did some lady just make history?

Ocean About To Run Out Of Bluefin Tuna, Life Not Worth Living Any More

So yeah. That's a thing now. BRB, weeping profusely and lamenting the downfall of everything worthwhile in the universe. The AP got their hands on a draft summary of a report from International Scientific Committee for Tuna and Tuna-like Species...

Your Never-Ending Olive Garden Shrimp Bowl Sauteed In Never-Ending Child-Slave Tears

So we've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that a mortifying percentage of the shrimp we eat comes from slave labor. The good news is, jk, there's no good news, humanity is a miserable plague. According...
Aren't you a little slobbery for a stormtrooper?

Your Saturday Nerdout: Are You Ready For The Supermoon Eclipse? Or Apocalypse?

Time for your weekend nerding, you nerd people! It's also maybe the weekend civilization collapses, again, so let's hope you've laid in a supply of Twinkies and booze. That's No Space Station, That's A Moon Sunday night through Monday...
No, none come to mind

Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?

When woman after woman kept coming forward in the Tiger Woods adultery scandal, I kept hoping it would hit 18, just for all the wonderful “18 holes” jokes that would practically write themselves. It was pretty easy to keep lighthearted...

Morning Maddow: Meet The Lesbian Who Taught Obama How To Wreck America (Video)

Rachel Maddow covered a story Thursday that she said was "amazing" it hasn't been told before now. It's still a little hard to believe just a decade and some years later. Penny Severns was the woman who taught Barack Obama the ropes...
He's like Tim Pawlenty without the charisma

Gov. Kasich Will Still Murder Your Obamacare, Ohio, Except For All The Parts Of It

This one makes a lot of sense: Ohio Gov. John Kasich kind of embarrassed himself by speaking a very uncomfortable truth Monday, saying that even though Republicans like to talk about repealing Obamacare, it's just "not gonna happen," and...

If This Dog Were Black, The AP Would Say It ‘Looted’ This Wallet

The AP reports -- via the Juneau Empire -- that Maltese pup "Lady Bunny" "found" a dude's wallet, which last he saw was right in his pocket. The AP, calling the dog's deed "great," does not even question whether Lady...

AP Retracts Story Claiming Terry McAuliffe Did A Fraud Because He Did Not Do The Fraud

It's perfectly understandable how someone might see the initials "TM" on a legal document and instantly think "candidate for governor of Virginia and former Clinton jerk Terry McAuliffe!" and then write a widely circulated story about how Terry McAuliffe...

Justice Department Gets All Nixony Up In AP

The Associated Press reports that the Justice Department "secretly obtained two months of telephone records" of its reporters and editors in what appears to be an attempt to discover the identity of a leaker. Not to stop a terrorist...

America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs

Today is a sad day for Americans because we are losing a quintessentially American dessert, maybe forever. This is mostly the fault of commie liberal "labor" unions who have the NERVE to demand a living wage for their work,...

Sad Face: Wonkette Bread And Butter Michele Bachmann May Be In Trouble

We'd really hate to jinx anything, so we are typing this with our fingers crossed: America's Craziest Legislator Michele Bachmann (R-Circular Ruins), despite the advantages of a fanatical national following and a very conservative district, just might not be...