Wonkette

A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right? MORE »

Ahh, it’s nice to see America’s Lawyer Class bravely challenging the fascist state’s overreach with a devastating reach-around of its own: “An attorney for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig told a Minnesota appeals court Wednesday that the lawmaker should be able to withdraw his guilty plea to a charge stemming from a gay sex sting arrest because there’s not enough evidence he did anything illegal.” Can you imagine being this attorney for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig? Obviously he knows that his client sucks more cock on any given trip to the airport than a large group of evangelical preachers does on a three-week sojourn to Thailand for “missionary work.” And yet there he is, in court today, trying to overturn a minor GUILTY PLEA for a lame-duck gay clown. [Idaho Statesman]

Wonkette linguistics operative “Shih Tzu” sends us a variety of hilarious anagrams for “Sarah Palin” and “Sarah Heath Palin.” (She is named after the dead joker, Heath Ledger, which is offensive.) “Sarah Palin gets you Sharia Plan — Palin is clearly a stealth Muslim radical. Sarah Heath Palin gets you Ha Ha, Alpine Trash, which is kind of mean. It also gets you Ahh Shit, Anal Rape.” Well my stars, this Sarah Palin is no role model for our daughters. [Shih Tzu's Live Journal]

Great news, everybody: The long-lost Giant Earth Anus has been rediscovered! The Knights Templar had carefully guarded the butthole’s location in the Holy Land, but it was later located by either Indiana Jones or William S. Burroughs. And now the Israeli Army Men have found it again! Mystics and Nostradamus and Bob Novak have long predicted that the rediscovery of the Giant Anus would lead to a new era of rampant, constant ass-fucking from the House to the Senate to airport and train station men’s rooms all around the world.

Gazans dig for profit [IDF/Reuters]

* Rudy for prez: because he will never put a de-clawed ferret into his ass. [Horse's Mouth]
* Hillary changes private jets more often than you change underwear, even has the days sewn in them like you. [NYP]
* “The only thing that can save this country is a military coup.” [NRO]
* Oprah gets on the Barry Hussein train. [Newsmax]
* Military took away the porn and now goes for the blogs. Way fight for fascism, fuckers. [Wired]
* The Speaker of the Palestinian Legislative Council would like to reiterate his point in case anyone is unsure: Death to America. [Jerusalem Post]
* Bill O’Reilly insults someone every 6.8 seconds. [Romenesko]

Ultra-conservative Senator Sam Brownback, in Iowa pretending to be a viable presidential candidate, stunned witnesses by declaring that the Republican party wouldn’t necessarily blackball any candidate who suggested demonstrating a tentative support for gay rights, or at least not publicly executing homos. MORE »

But because you loved it so much last week, here’s an update on Tom DeLay’s beloved “Dancing With the Stars” gal who sings the National Anthem at GOP conventions and is married to Republican fund-raising hero (and failed congressional candidate … and George Allen backer) Craig Schelske who is now accused of being a creepy drunken porn freak who screws all these anal-sex-loving Nashville gals he finds on CraigsList.

Join us after the jump for the inevitable Bible Study and Sexy Nanny angles. But first, a picture of the happy couple with America’s other sweethearts, Dick and Lynne:

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Because nothing is more important to Americans than the nexus of politics and “Dancing With the Stars,” we are pleased to report that Sara Evans — apparently a Nashville pop singer and champion dancer — has left the hit show because her husband is one of those sex creeps on CraigsList.

Failed Republican congressional candidate and GOP fund-raiser Craig Schelske is also accused of abusing his wife and making his young children watch pornography. According to Evans’ complaint, there are more than a hundred pictures stored on the family computer of Schelske screwing myriad women as well as parading around his house naked and “aroused.” According to his CraigsList ads, Schelske is particularly interested in having anal sex with strangers and threesomes.

More filth after the jump.

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Future Foley news analysis headlines: MORE »

No one has done more to ruin Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Penn.)’s good name than sex columnist Dan Savage… with the possible exception of Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Penn.). After the senator compared gay sex to bestiality and pedophilia, Savage ran a contest to rename something sexual in his honor. The winner: “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” MORE »

The jury in the Enron criminal case has returned with a verdict, and the news is not good for the defendants. MORE »

C’mon, Eleanor — no guy named “Scooter” can be a top. MORE »

Here’s a portion of the bestest Al Kamen column ever: MORE »

Original Wonkette, Ana Marie Cox, sent us this meta-report (including a super top-secret look at the notes passed at the Cool Kids Table — had Sir Evans noticed, he surely would’ve demanded they read them before the entire class) after finding our own party crash report alarmingly assfucking-free: MORE »