Tag Archives: assault

  The Preacher Said I Pronounce You 99 To Life

Texas Judge Sentences Dude To Marriage, Bible Study

Haha, what's the difference?
An a sentencing decision that sounds like something out of a bad comedy routine, a Texas judge gave a defendant in a misdemeanor case a simple choice: Marry his girlfriend or do 15 days in jail. Hey, it’s just a matter of how long you want to be locked up, am I right? Try the veal! Still, compared to some other idiotic sentences, it’s far from the worst we’ve heard of. It’s merely stupid, not sickening. Read more on Texas Judge Sentences Dude To Marriage, Bible Study…
  Naked Aggression

Butt Ass Nekkid Michigan State Senator Shoots Up Ex-Wife’s Car, May Have Issues

You see what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs?!
A confrontation between a naked Michigan state senator and his ex-wife in the wee hours of Sunday morning made for competing narratives and movie references this weekend. Did Virgil Smith attack his former spouse after an argument when she showed up at his Detroit home at 1 in the morning, or did she fly into a rage and attack Smith’s girlfriend? And in either scenario, was it really necessary for Smith to shoot the hell out of his ex’s Mercedes? (No, it was not.) Are we watching Rashomon, The Big Lebowski, or the worst mashup ever? Read more on Butt Ass Nekkid Michigan State Senator Shoots Up Ex-Wife’s Car, May Have Issues…
  No he probably didn't do it to himself ACTUALLY

Maryland State Attorney: Sure Looks Like Baltimore PD Probably Murdered Freddie Gray

State Attorney Marilyn Mosby
The Baltimore Police Department has had a heck of a time explaining how Freddie Gray, a 25-year-old black man arrested on April 12, somehow ended up dead from a severed spine. While the police leaked a document to the Washington Post suggesting that maybe he broke his own spine, after reviewing the department’s full report on the incident, Maryland State Attorney Marilyn J. Mosby isn’t buying that. At all: Read more on Maryland State Attorney: Sure Looks Like Baltimore PD Probably Murdered Freddie Gray…
  Further Adventures In Driving While Black

Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself

I'm not touching you...OK, I'm throwing you to the pavement, but not touching you...
In yet another isolated incident, a black motorist was pulled from his car, thrown to the ground, and then had his head smashed against the hood of a police car. And for some reason, although the dash cam video doesn’t show him behaving violently, Stuart Fitzgerald, 53, has been charged with assaulting officers in the May 26, 2014, incident. We really need to just have a story template to use for all these isolated incidents, where we can fill in the names, dates, and perfectly reasonable bullshit explanations from police. It would save a lot of time. Read more on Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself…
  Pour One Out For 'Dr. Chaps'

CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
In yet another example of the persecution of Bible-believing Christians in America, wingnut Internet preacher and actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives Gordon Klingenschmitt has been stripped of his membership on a House committee because even his fellow Republicans are finally fed up and disgusted by him. Read more on CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk…
  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
  This One's Crazy Even For Klingenschmitt

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!…
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening. Read more on Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord…
  Stop dick-checking everybody in the bathroom TUCKER

Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?

This piece has been UPDATED, because this is a post about Tucker Carlson being creepy about transgender people in bathrooms, and we are smacking ourselves on the face and on the bottom, because we forgot to talk about that in the context of the time Tucker panicked and beat up a gay in the bathroom at Georgetown, we are A Idiot and We Are Fired! More on that icky story in a moment. Read more on Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?…
  Gonna preach a sermon at you now

Memphis Mother Of The Year Beats Own Child For Being Too Gay

It is time for a dispatch from your Wonkette’s Memphis Outpost, because we have a new hometown Best Mom Ever to tell you about. It seems that Jacqueline Alexander was quite unhappy with how “feminine” and “gay” her son is, so she decided to assault him: Read more on Memphis Mother Of The Year Beats Own Child For Being Too Gay…
  Our little secret

Colleges Can Avoid Looking Rapey By Just Lying About Rape Numbers

just. stop. raping. people.
When you go to college, you bring with you all of your hopes and dreams. Like the hope that you will enjoy challenging classes and the dream that you will meet interesting people. Also the hope that you will not be at high risk of sexual assault after you find out that your college has been lying to you about the number of sexual assaults on campus! Read more on Colleges Can Avoid Looking Rapey By Just Lying About Rape Numbers…
  thanks de Blasio

Smirking Thug Who Attacked Lady Subway Worker Was An NYPD Cop, Surprise!

It has not been a banner year for our armed public servants from the City of New York. When we last left them, they were executing a two-pronged strategy to protest Mayor Bill de Blasio’s alleged anti-cop rhetoric, first  hijacking the funeral of two murdered cops, then refusing to do their jobs. What did the horrible race-baiting, cop-hating demagogue de Blasio do to warrant these bold, courageous, and dangerous acts of protest and dissent? Well, 1) He ran in opposition to Stop and Frisk, the policy of stopping and searching pedestrians, which was agreed by both its supporters and detractors to result in racial profiling in practice, and 2) He had the temerity to say that he’d told his black son to exercise extra care when interacting with the police in the wake of the NYPD’s public execution of the unarmed and black Eric Garner. That it is flatly contradictory to simultaneously support profiling blacks as criminals and be offended at the suggestion that blacks should be conscious of being profiled as criminals doesn’t seem to bother the NYPD’s union or the rank-and-file officers it represents. Indeed, that’s how the logic of white supremacy tends to operate: it is not enough to oppress, but the victims of the oppression must feel quietly grateful to be oppressed. Read more on Smirking Thug Who Attacked Lady Subway Worker Was An NYPD Cop, Surprise!…
  he seems nice

CA GOP Gov Candidate Has Learned A Lot From Being Sex Offender Who Killed A Guy

This gentleman with the iffily tucked in shirt is Mr. Glenn Champ, candidate for the Republican gubernatorial primary in California. He is holding a staff, with which he will make “the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth,” according to his must-read campaign website. Srsly, check it out. It is genius, from its fresh-off-Geocities design to the word-salad text explaining why he’s running. You see, he’s on a mission from God: CHAMP represents a new breed of Christian soldier moving forward in the army of the lord, on the highway of righteousness, stomping on the devil’s head, with a new song of righteousness’s in our hearts. Amen. As a man of God, he is going back to fix the crooked places that have led to our current catastrophe. Oh, and also, the Los Angeles Times adds that he’s a “registered sex offender who spent more than a decade in state prison, convicted of crimes including voluntary manslaughter and assault with intent to commit rape.” So, you know, a well-rounded individual. Needless to say, Yr. Wonkette endorses him in the California GOP primary, as well as any other in the land. Read more on CA GOP Gov Candidate Has Learned A Lot From Being Sex Offender Who Killed A Guy…
  danger zone

Airplane Baby-Slapper Sentenced To Eight Months In Federal Prison, Still Not Racist At All

So here is a tale of justice of sorts: Joe Rickey Hundley, the former executive from Idaho who slapped a crying toddler on a Delta flight as it was on approach to Atlanta last February, has been sentenced to eight months in federal prison for the assault. He had pleaded guilty in October in a plea bargain that was supposed to have given him a six-month sentence, but the judge gave Hundley more time because he had a previous criminal history including an assault. And also, who the hell slaps a baby and yells “shut that n****r baby up” while doing it? Oh yes: this guy. Read more on Airplane Baby-Slapper Sentenced To Eight Months In Federal Prison, Still Not Racist At All…
  stay harassy san diego

Former San Diego Mayor Filner Pleads Guilty To Criminal Horribleness, Aggravated Jerkosity

Serial creepmeister and former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner pleaded guilty yesterday to a single count of felony false imprisonment and two counts of misdemeanor battery. Under the plea deal, he will not go to jail, but will be prevented from ever holding public office again. The Democrat (and former Congressman) resigned in August following a series of sexual harassment accusations brought by pretty much every woman who ever stood within the same zip code with him. Read more on Former San Diego Mayor Filner Pleads Guilty To Criminal Horribleness, Aggravated Jerkosity…
  police blotter

Slap-Happy Newspaper Publisher Just Can’t Stop Slapping People In The Face

Ahem: WestView News publisher George Capsis slapped a young man several times across his face during an 11:30 a.m. rally [for New York mayoral candidate Christine Quinn] at the base of St. Vincent’s Hospital, according to witnesses. Well, we are sure that happens all the time, right? Sadly, yes! Read more on Slap-Happy Newspaper Publisher Just Can’t Stop Slapping People In The Face…