Tag Archives: assault

  Naked Aggression

Butt Ass Nekkid Michigan State Senator Shoots Up Ex-Wife’s Car, May Have Issues

You see what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs?!
A confrontation between a naked Michigan state senator and his ex-wife in the wee hours of Sunday morning made for competing narratives and movie references this weekend. Did Virgil Smith attack his former spouse after an argument when she showed up at his Detroit home at 1 in the morning, or did she fly into a rage and attack Smith’s girlfriend? And in either scenario, was it really necessary for Smith to shoot the hell out of his ex’s Mercedes? (No, it was not.) Are we watching Rashomon, The Big Lebowski, or the worst mashup ever? Read more on Butt Ass Nekkid Michigan State Senator Shoots Up Ex-Wife’s Car, May Have Issues…
  No he probably didn't do it to himself ACTUALLY

Maryland State Attorney: Sure Looks Like Baltimore PD Probably Murdered Freddie Gray

State Attorney Marilyn Mosby
The Baltimore Police Department has had a heck of a time explaining how Freddie Gray, a 25-year-old black man arrested on April 12, somehow ended up dead from a severed spine. While the police leaked a document to the Washington Post suggesting that maybe he broke his own spine, after reviewing the department’s full report on the incident, Maryland State Attorney Marilyn J. Mosby isn’t buying that. At all: Read more on Maryland State Attorney: Sure Looks Like Baltimore PD Probably Murdered Freddie Gray…
  Further Adventures In Driving While Black

Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself

I'm not touching you...OK, I'm throwing you to the pavement, but not touching you...
In yet another isolated incident, a black motorist was pulled from his car, thrown to the ground, and then had his head smashed against the hood of a police car. And for some reason, although the dash cam video doesn’t show him behaving violently, Stuart Fitzgerald, 53, has been charged with assaulting officers in the May 26, 2014, incident. We really need to just have a story template to use for all these isolated incidents, where we can fill in the names, dates, and perfectly reasonable bullshit explanations from police. It would save a lot of time. Read more on Cops Slam Black Driver’s Head Against Car, Demand He Stop Hitting Himself…
  Pour One Out For 'Dr. Chaps'

CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
In yet another example of the persecution of Bible-believing Christians in America, wingnut Internet preacher and actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives Gordon Klingenschmitt has been stripped of his membership on a House committee because even his fellow Republicans are finally fed up and disgusted by him. Read more on CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk…
  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
  This One's Crazy Even For Klingenschmitt

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!…
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening. Read more on Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord…
  Stop dick-checking everybody in the bathroom TUCKER

Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?

This piece has been UPDATED, because this is a post about Tucker Carlson being creepy about transgender people in bathrooms, and we are smacking ourselves on the face and on the bottom, because we forgot to talk about that in the context of the time Tucker panicked and beat up a gay in the bathroom at Georgetown, we are A Idiot and We Are Fired! More on that icky story in a moment. Read more on Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?…
  Gonna preach a sermon at you now

Memphis Mother Of The Year Beats Own Child For Being Too Gay

It is time for a dispatch from your Wonkette’s Memphis Outpost, because we have a new hometown Best Mom Ever to tell you about. It seems that Jacqueline Alexander was quite unhappy with how “feminine” and “gay” her son is, so she decided to assault him: Read more on Memphis Mother Of The Year Beats Own Child For Being Too Gay…
  Our little secret

Colleges Can Avoid Looking Rapey By Just Lying About Rape Numbers

just. stop. raping. people.
When you go to college, you bring with you all of your hopes and dreams. Like the hope that you will enjoy challenging classes and the dream that you will meet interesting people. Also the hope that you will not be at high risk of sexual assault after you find out that your college has been lying to you about the number of sexual assaults on campus! Read more on Colleges Can Avoid Looking Rapey By Just Lying About Rape Numbers…
  thanks de Blasio

Smirking Thug Who Attacked Lady Subway Worker Was An NYPD Cop, Surprise!

It has not been a banner year for our armed public servants from the City of New York. When we last left them, they were executing a two-pronged strategy to protest Mayor Bill de Blasio’s alleged anti-cop rhetoric, first  hijacking the funeral of two murdered cops, then refusing to do their jobs. What did the horrible race-baiting, cop-hating demagogue de Blasio do to warrant these bold, courageous, and dangerous acts of protest and dissent? Well, 1) He ran in opposition to Stop and Frisk, the policy of stopping and searching pedestrians, which was agreed by both its supporters and detractors to result in racial profiling in practice, and 2) He had the temerity to say that he’d told his black son to exercise extra care when interacting with the police in the wake of the NYPD’s public execution of the unarmed and black Eric Garner. That it is flatly contradictory to simultaneously support profiling blacks as criminals and be offended at the suggestion that blacks should be conscious of being profiled as criminals doesn’t seem to bother the NYPD’s union or the rank-and-file officers it represents. Indeed, that’s how the logic of white supremacy tends to operate: it is not enough to oppress, but the victims of the oppression must feel quietly grateful to be oppressed. Read more on Smirking Thug Who Attacked Lady Subway Worker Was An NYPD Cop, Surprise!…
  he seems nice

CA GOP Gov Candidate Has Learned A Lot From Being Sex Offender Who Killed A Guy

This gentleman with the iffily tucked in shirt is Mr. Glenn Champ, candidate for the Republican gubernatorial primary in California. He is holding a staff, with which he will make “the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth,” according to his must-read campaign website. Srsly, check it out. It is genius, from its fresh-off-Geocities design to the word-salad text explaining why he’s running. You see, he’s on a mission from God: CHAMP represents a new breed of Christian soldier moving forward in the army of the lord, on the highway of righteousness, stomping on the devil’s head, with a new song of righteousness’s in our hearts. Amen. As a man of God, he is going back to fix the crooked places that have led to our current catastrophe. Oh, and also, the Los Angeles Times adds that he’s a “registered sex offender who spent more than a decade in state prison, convicted of crimes including voluntary manslaughter and assault with intent to commit rape.” So, you know, a well-rounded individual. Needless to say, Yr. Wonkette endorses him in the California GOP primary, as well as any other in the land. Read more on CA GOP Gov Candidate Has Learned A Lot From Being Sex Offender Who Killed A Guy…
  danger zone

Airplane Baby-Slapper Sentenced To Eight Months In Federal Prison, Still Not Racist At All

So here is a tale of justice of sorts: Joe Rickey Hundley, the former executive from Idaho who slapped a crying toddler on a Delta flight as it was on approach to Atlanta last February, has been sentenced to eight months in federal prison for the assault. He had pleaded guilty in October in a plea bargain that was supposed to have given him a six-month sentence, but the judge gave Hundley more time because he had a previous criminal history including an assault. And also, who the hell slaps a baby and yells “shut that n****r baby up” while doing it? Oh yes: this guy. Read more on Airplane Baby-Slapper Sentenced To Eight Months In Federal Prison, Still Not Racist At All…
  stay harassy san diego

Former San Diego Mayor Filner Pleads Guilty To Criminal Horribleness, Aggravated Jerkosity

Serial creepmeister and former San Diego Mayor Bob Filner pleaded guilty yesterday to a single count of felony false imprisonment and two counts of misdemeanor battery. Under the plea deal, he will not go to jail, but will be prevented from ever holding public office again. The Democrat (and former Congressman) resigned in August following a series of sexual harassment accusations brought by pretty much every woman who ever stood within the same zip code with him. Read more on Former San Diego Mayor Filner Pleads Guilty To Criminal Horribleness, Aggravated Jerkosity…
  police blotter

Slap-Happy Newspaper Publisher Just Can’t Stop Slapping People In The Face

Ahem: WestView News publisher George Capsis slapped a young man several times across his face during an 11:30 a.m. rally [for New York mayoral candidate Christine Quinn] at the base of St. Vincent’s Hospital, according to witnesses. Well, we are sure that happens all the time, right? Sadly, yes! Read more on Slap-Happy Newspaper Publisher Just Can’t Stop Slapping People In The Face…
  this stuff never happens in cautious valley

Washington Man Sentenced For Dispensing Armed Anti-Smoking Message

A Sudden Valley, Washington, man has been sentenced to 20 days for pulling a gun on a pregnant woman who was smoking a cigarette. Justin Dain Palmer, 25, pulled over his blue Dodge pickup truck to confront the smoking woman around noon Sept. 12, 2012, while she walked on the sidewalk … Read more on Washington Man Sentenced For Dispensing Armed Anti-Smoking Message…
  wasn't me!

Hero Taxi Passenger Totally Did Not Fracture That Muslim Cabbie’s Jaw, On Tape

Say you are an Iraq War vet, an Army reservist, and you are also Muslim, and you are driving your taxi around Washington, DC. Those things are bad enough. Please do not compound your crimes against America by lying about getting your jaw fractured by a hardworking churchgoing family man who totally did not scream obscenities about Muslims for 12 minutes before punching you in the face, on tape. [Ed] Dahlberg’s attorney, Demetry Pikrallidas, said Dahlberg did not assault [Mohamed] Salim. And there you have it! CASE CLOSED. Read more on Hero Taxi Passenger Totally Did Not Fracture That Muslim Cabbie’s Jaw, On Tape…
  surprise surprise surprise

Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault

So remember last year when Michigan’s Nerd-Governor Rick Snyder passed Right-To-Work like a ninja without so much as a committee hearing or an acknowledgment that Right to Work was something he wanted to do? Yeah, that was fun. And remember how all those union thugs — teachers, nurses, autoworkers, society’s dregs mostly — protested this stunning public policy shift because they mistakenly believed citizens should protest government actions with which they disagree? Heh. Isn’t that just like those filthy “wage earners” who refuse to understand that working for pay is socialist, which is why the U.S. tax code rightly penalizes people for trading their labor for pay instead of just living off investment income like real American heroes? Remember how, back then, we thought there was one man brave enough to stand up to the Saul Alinksy tactics of this unhinged union thug mob? We speak of Fox News’ brave observational rape comedian/disappointed “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” viewer Steve Crowder. At those protests last December, a so-called “worker” punched Crowder for no other reason than he didn’t like Crowder’s defense of the right to legislate against workers’ bargaining power. Read more on Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault…
  tackle box

Do Not Mess With This D.C. Lady’s Signs, She Will Wreck You

Just so you know, D.C. Advisory Neighborhood Commission candidate Grace Daughtridge is NOT MESSING AROUND. Not only has she “reestablished” the 11th-largest tree in the District, but she was at a polling place today, and saw a dude futzing with one of her campaign signs, and, if the allegedlies have it right, she took that dude out. NBC Washington brings us the nitty-gritty: Grace Daughtridge allegedly tackled a man in his 40s outside the King Greenleaf Recreation Center in Southwest around 11:15 a.m., claiming he was tampering with some of her campaign signs. Wham-bam! It’s just like how she says she’s been “preventing thieves from stealing rims and tires”! She takes this stuff serious-like. But this sign stuff… maybe… too serious-like? Read more on Do Not Mess With This D.C. Lady’s Signs, She Will Wreck You…
  i thought you didn't feed the animals

Literally Thousands Of RNC Convention-Goers Did Not Throw Peanuts At A Black Woman And Call Her An Animal

After last night’s stirring RNC tribute to small business people who did not receive any help from the government except for government loans and grants and a taxpayer-funded stage to pimp their businesses, it is difficult to be more inspired than we already are. But here is a positive, hopeful story that will put a spring in your step and some salt on your nuts. Read more on Literally Thousands Of RNC Convention-Goers Did Not Throw Peanuts At A Black Woman And Call Her An Animal…
  your august manufactured news event of the day

Uninsured Conservative Mauled By SEIU Thugs Actually Does Have Insurance, Perhaps

Nearly a week ago — and doesn’t it seem like just yesterday? — the country was ROCKED by allegations of Racial Strife stemming from an alleged assault on a black conservative outside one of Obama’s Death Panel Meet ‘n’ Greets. And every day we learn something new, or think we learn something new, about poor Kenneth Gladney’s employment status or insurance coverage or degree of injury or whatever. The newest hot news: dude has insurance coverage after all! Read more on Uninsured Conservative Mauled By SEIU Thugs Actually Does Have Insurance, Perhaps…