Wonkette

While millions of FOX News viewers were busily fantasizing about the inevitable race riots that would leave Oakland, Philly, Detroit, and Chicago in smoking ruins following Barack Obama’s crushing defeat Tuesday night, nobody thought to wonder what would become of the bitter Klingons who might be sad if Barack Obama actually won. Well, here’s your answer: they get drunk and bite people’s noses and then just sort of … fall over. MORE »

Ashley Todd, the 20-year-old McCain volunteer who bravely attempted to incite a New American Race War with her fake story about getting mutilated by an angry black man and instead spawned a cheap Halloween costume trend, will not be sent to torture-prison for five and a half years. After a mere week in jail, she reached a plea agreement with the Authorities: no hard time, only mental health treatment. She will also have to check in with those Authorities every now and again to let them know of her whereabouts, like a common criminal, so there’s that. By next week she will have a country music recording contract and her own show on Fox, after “Huckabee.” [MSNBC]

Oh look, here is an indie-pop songstress who was brutally attacked by BErack OKama, an avenging Halloween Marxist who wants to teach John McCain supporters “a lesson” by gently painting his initials onto their cheeks. Thanks to Pam for bringing this strange coincidence to our attention. [Ingrid Michaelson]

Already known as the worst, meanest driver in Washington, this morning Robert Novak was caught by witnesses driving into a pedestrian and speeding away from the crime scene. Novak was racing down 18th Street through the K St. NW intersection when he hit a much younger man, a 66 year old who was using the crosswalk and had a green walk signal. MORE »

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

Massachusetts state Senator J. James Marzilli Jr. has a certain daily routine. He likes to take a pleasant constitutional through Lowell, Massachusetts’ beautiful parks. During this time of year, of course, the ladies of the park tend to gather in their flowing, bounteous summer dresses, to drink iced tea and chat about our boys overseas. Marzilli enjoys overhearing the ladies’ conversations, and then he enjoys approaching the individual ladies, and then he enjoys lunging for their chotches and boobs. Then he enjoys running from the cops against traffic in one-way streets, dressed like a hobo, scaring the patrons at the hot dog stands; and when he is caught, he enjoys giving the cops the name of another state legislator, while crying for his life. MORE »

Jim Gibbons was already famous for being a do-nothing Nevada congressman who routinely spouted asinine nonsense and basically threatened to kill a Vegas cocktail waitress just before the midterm elections that bizarrely put him in the governor’s mansion, but we can now add “paranoid schizophrenic” to his long list of personal problems.

“Citing unspecified security concerns,” the rat-eyed Republican was sworn in as the New Year arrived Monday at 12 a.m. — in the living room of his house in the grim Reno suburb of Sparks. (UPDATE: Sparks native Gibbons has apparently abandoned his grim hometown for some McMansion in Reno proper.) This couldn’t be any weirder if Michael Jackson, Liza Minelli and that dwarf from “Twin Peaks” were on hand.

Let’s catch up with the scumsack, after the jump.

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The best “vote suppression” story of the day comes from Louisville, Kentucky. MORE »

The Nevada cowtown of Elko finally got another president to stop by. The last one was Herbert “Hooverville” Hoover. Today it was George W. Bush. MORE »

Because this is a National Politics Site, we’ve had to pull ourselves away from covering Rep. Jim Gibbons (R-Nevada) all the time. Periodic roundups will have to do … until Gibbons just starts killing people. MORE »