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Posts Tagged ‘assassinations’

JOHN F. KENNEDY

Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald’s ‘Kill JFK’ Plans Revealed!

Monday, February 18th, 2008

Who did the president, who killed Kennedy, fuck man! It's a mystery! It's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! The fuckin' shooters don't even know! Don't you get it? Happy Dead Presidents Day, everybody! Our most beloved non-Reagan dead president, John F. “Jack” Kennedy, was killed by Lyndon Johnson’s Anti-Castro Cuban CIA Mafia Military-Industrial FBI Complex way back in 1963. We still don’t know exactly what happened, because “the government” won’t release the files for another forty or fifty years (or never), but the Dallas Morning News says a weird old transcript proves or doesn’t prove how “lone gunman” Lee Harvey Oswald and mafia-nightclub tough Jack Ruby discussed killing JFK so, uh, the Chicago mob wouldn’t be bothered by Kennedy’s little brother, Bobby Kennedy, who was attorney general back when the attorney general was expected to do anti-crime things rather than just torture innocent foreigners forever, in Cuba. MORE »


WHITE HOUSE

Bush White House Blamed For Lack of Kennedy Parties

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Do you remember the swinging social scene of early-1960s Washington? So many parties with those fun-loving and oft-assassinated Kennedy boys! And then George W. Bush ruined it all when he was appointed president four decades later. That’s the gist of this six-hundred-page Vanity Fair recollection about the glamorous good old days of yesteryear, and it prompted one Washingtonian to pen the following recollection of the glamorous Clinton years.

MORE »


CNN

An Analysis of CNN.com on This, the Morning Bhutto Has Died

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

bhuttocnn.jpgIt’s one of those massive political assassination world story sadness unrest political crisis nuclear death sad sad times, so, two things: (1) condolences to the Bhutto and (2) CNN.com is sooooo funny in times like these! Crisis logo with morose black-and-white gravity and tender fonts? Check. Obvious article about how world leaders are “shocked” at this mindfuck of a story? Check. Articles about how CNN knew this would happen all along, how you can send send your thoughts to CNN then watch them proceed to not give a shit, and how Time — a publication under the same ownership as CNN — has made a definitive statement for the record that will go down in history? Check, check, check. And then of course, other pressing headlines about girls getting attacked by dogs/tigers/screwdrivers, as opposed to assassins. [CNN]


TED KENNEDY

Ted Kennedy’s Bizarre 1964 Plane Crash Still Haunts Him

Friday, October 12th, 2007

kennedynews.jpgBeloved Taxacusetts senator and last-surviving RFK/JFK brother Ted Kennedy is in the hospital today after doctors fixed a clogged artery in his neck. They successfully removed the Jameson bottle and now he’s “resting.” But what’s interesting is why he went to the doctor in the first place: The neck clog was found during an MRI to check on his wrecked back — Ted Kennedy barely survived a terrible plane crash in 1964, just a few months after John Kennedy’s assassination. MORE »


FUNNY PICTURES

Speaking of the Dollar Collapse, Here’s the Gerald Ford Corn Maze!

Thursday, September 20th, 2007

Whip Corn Maze Inflation Now - Wonkette
It’s a hallowed Autumn tradition to take the kids to the Corn Maze, but there’s extra fun in store for youngsters at Richland, Michigan’s Gulf Meadows Farms this year, because they’ve based their 2007 Corn Maze design on Gerald Ford’s head. Jerry Ford, of course, was our greatest president and he pardoned Nixon and covered up JFK’s assassination and almost got himself assassinated, twice in 17 days, in California, and bravely fought inflation and was from Michigan.

Gulf Meadows Farms Corn Maze


DEMOCRATS

Man Who Shot George Wallace Released From Prison In Time For 2008 Campaign

Thursday, August 23rd, 2007

Send THEM a Message: W A L L A C E - WonketteBack in the “good old days” of the early 1970s, America was torn apart by recession, gasoline rationing, race riots, the Vietnam war and segregation — which was still a big issue in places where blacks were especially hated, such as Alabama, where Democrat Governor George Wallace was bravely keeping the Negro children out of White schools despite the Supreme Court’s orders. Wallace was immensely popular with Democrats who hoped to keep their schools white, too. So it was a national tragedy when a libtard nut named Arthur Bremer shot Wallace at a Maryland campaign stop in May 1972. MORE »


IRAQ

Rumsfeld: ‘I Do Not Recall Ordering Hit On Pat Tillman’

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

Laugh it up - WonketteRumsfeld had a “change of heart” and decided to actually listen to Congress and show up and deny killing Pat Tillman. These are funny times, as you can usually tell when the sacked Secretary of Defense testifies before a House Committee investigating the fratricide of NFL/Army hero Pat Tillman and the coordinated (but ultimately botched) conspiracy to hide the murder. MORE »


WHITE HOUSE

Who Ordered the Execution of NFL/Army Hero Pat Tillman?

Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

Who done it? - WonketteIt’s almost too depressing to mention again, but let’s recap the Pat Tillman revelations from Army medical examiners and internal Pentagon reports released last week and find out what happens when famous football stars turned Army Heroes become anti-war critics: MORE »


ABRAHAM LINCOLN

They Didn’t Save Lincoln’s Brain

Monday, May 21st, 2007

alassassination.jpgAccording to medical experts at the University of Maryland, Abraham Lincoln could’ve survived his disastrous trip to Ford’s Theater - had he merely traveled forward through time 140 years. It wouldn’t have been an easy recovery, though. MORE »


FUNNY PICTURES

George W. Bush Makes His Own Car Bomb

Monday, April 9th, 2007

He's a walking car bomb. - WonketteIf not for the quick reflexes of Ford Motor boss Alan Mulally, George W. Bush would’ve blown himself up last week on the White House lawn, along with Dick Cheney. MORE »


FBI

Happy MLK Assassination Day!

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Well, somebody was sure happy about this. - WonketteAs Bono taught us, wrongly, Martin Luther King was assassinated in the “early morning, April 4″ of 1968 — 39 years ago today. (It was actually 6:01 p.m. There was no Wikipedia back then, so at least he got the date right.) Today is the real Martin Luther King Day. MORE »