Tag Archives: assassination

  Yet Another 'Another American Revolution'

Ted Cruz Supports Gun Control, To Protect Ted Cruz

Be vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Dewegates!
Hey, Ted Cruz, what’s your next cool fundraiser idea? Wow, a chance for some lucky gun-humping donor to go shootin’ with the senator? That sounds like more fun than staying up all night playing RISK with Rand Paul! Funny thing though; the contest requires that the winner be able to pass a background check. It’s in the fine print, which specifies that the “Sponsor” of the sweepstakes — the Cruz campaign — must verify that Ted Cruz will be at least nominally safe with his brand new huntin’ buddy: Read more on Ted Cruz Supports Gun Control, To Protect Ted Cruz…
  Popping Black Heads

WND Thrilled To Bitses With Exploding Obama Head In Kingsman: Secret Service

Again, a little explosion would have made it OK
Remember how it was INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL when some British filmmakers made a movie that practically nobody saw, imagining the assassination of George W. Bush? Rush Limbaugh called the director of Death of a President a “sicko,” Congresscritic Peter King gave it two thumbs down, called it “absolutely disgraceful,” and warned “This is a dangerous world,” and fretted that the fake documentary “could incite real violence.” And liberals everywhere were shameful, just shameful, for their failure to condemn this atrocity. In fact, they supposedly loved it, although it managed to gross less than a million dollars worldwide. And then there was that INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL half-second shot of George W. Bush’s head on a pike in Game of Thrones, the result, the studio said, of using whatever prosthetic heads the studio had on hand for a shot of several heads on pikes. Fox News called it “Outrageous,” Freepers melted down over it, and probably somebody on Twitter complained that Bill Clinton’s head had been cropped out of the scene. HBO apologized profusely and edited the shot out of future DVD releases. Message is clear: it is incredibly rude and outrageous to depict the killing of a sitting (or former) President of the United States. Read more on WND Thrilled To Bitses With Exploding Obama Head In Kingsman: Secret Service…
  Dunces Of The Confederacy

Asshat Wankers Celebrate Lincoln’s Birthday By Thanking John Wilkes Booth

Maybe it's problematic after all
Our old frenemies at the neo-Confederate League of the South (who just love that photo up there so much) are really getting into the holiday spirit, taking a moment to recognize Abraham Lincoln’s birthday by thanking John Wilkes Booth for shooting him in the head. Read more on Asshat Wankers Celebrate Lincoln’s Birthday By Thanking John Wilkes Booth…
  ask not what your textbook can do for you

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks With The Right Dynamic For the New Frontier

We told you last week that we were finished with the 1950s and moving into the ’60s, and we are — but by a quirk of editing, both of our history textbooks for the Christian school market have shoehorned the Kennedy administration into the very end of their chapters on the Fifties, the better to emphasize what they see as the chaos and degeneracy of nearly everything that happened after November 22, 1963. We can see the thematic logic of that, so keep in mind that as we talk about Kennedy this week, both of our textbooks treat him as a kind of footnote to Eisenhower, a nice-looking fellow who died under unfortunate circumstances and who liberals pay far too much attention to. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks With The Right Dynamic For the New Frontier…
  next time try ok cupid

New York Man Arrested Before He Could Shoot GW Bush, Win Daughter Barbara’s Love In A Dying America

So here is a thing that happened: A New York man armed with a rifle, boxes of ammunition and a machete was arrested Friday after allegedly threatening to kill former President George W. Bush, according to a federal court complaint. Apparently, Benjamin Smith also thought that once he’d killed the former president, he would then win the hand of Bush’s daughter Barbara. Is there a specific DSM diagnosis for people with delusions involving making someone love you by killing a politician? We would not be surprised if there were. Read more on New York Man Arrested Before He Could Shoot GW Bush, Win Daughter Barbara’s Love In A Dying America…
  you can't handle the truth

Super Secret Spy Man Jim Garrow Survives Obama’s (Or Satan’s) Latest Attempt To Kill Him

We hope you’ll indulge our fondness for the paranoid ravings of Jim Garrow, the “CIA spy” who likes to tell radio talk show wingnut Erik Rush all about Barack Obama’s secret plans to nuke America and to fool us into thinking that space aliens have contacted the White House, so that Russia and Canada can invade or some damn thing. Now Garrow is saying that Barack Obama is killing off Garrow’s fellow secret agents because of the threat they pose to his plan for total control. Lucky thing Garrow somehow remains free to go on rightwing radio shows to share that! Among other hobbyhorses, Rush and Garrow remain committed to the belief that military commanders are being “purged” by the Obama administration to cover up the President’s plan to kill 90% of Americans so that George Soros can get rich — all that stuff about sloppy drunk generals and cheating officers is just a cover story, you see. You just need to look at the big picture, which is that every third-rate Tom Clancy knockoff presents a plausible scenario for how the world works. (And of course, you need to keep in mind that Tom Clancy was himself knocked off by an Obama hit squad.) Read more on Super Secret Spy Man Jim Garrow Survives Obama’s (Or Satan’s) Latest Attempt To Kill Him…
  now it can be told

Nice Lady Prophet Explains How Her 6-Year-Old’s Tummy Ache Stopped God From Assassinating Ronald Reagan

Right here is some actual evidence of the power of prayer, so all you atheists just shut up. Cindy Jacobs, a self-proclaimed “respected prophet” who a few years ago repented for all the lesbians and their “girl-on-girl kissing,” told a true tale of the time that her very own son, 6 at the time, saved a president’s life by praying for him! (Not the current president. There are other prayers for him.) Read more on Nice Lady Prophet Explains How Her 6-Year-Old’s Tummy Ache Stopped God From Assassinating Ronald Reagan…
  but other than the gas chamber how did you like treblinka?

Assassination Joke Sheriff Very Sorry All You ‘Nazis’ Can’t Keep Your Hurtful Criticism To Yourself

Hey, remember like four hours ago, when we cadged a post from ThinkProgress about that nice young sheriff with the slick comedy stylings about murdering the president? Well ThinkProgress has an update, which they’ve stoled from the “Plymouth Patch,” so we guess we do now too! Sup, ThinkProg? Oh, that sheriff is mad at all the liberals, who are being Nazis, by criticizing him? Cool sheriff. Very good handle on history and what things are equivalent to what other things! “The irony of it is, it’s perfectly OK for them [liberals] to make those jokes about President Bush or someone from the other side of the aisle. I can imagine what some of this place comes from not 2013 United States, it’s more like Nazi Germany in 1938.” You’d think public officials at this point would pause for a moment and say “does what i’m about to say contain the word rape or the word Nazi or the word Hitler? If so, perhaps I should rethink it.” Hahaha, we kid, that would never happen. But let us hear it all from the horse’s ass! Read more on Assassination Joke Sheriff Very Sorry All You ‘Nazis’ Can’t Keep Your Hurtful Criticism To Yourself…
  (keep feeling) assassination

Ron Paul Supporter So Lonely, Would Like A Visit From The Secret Service Too Please

Isn’t it great how Election Season brings out the best in all of us, making us ever delight in doing more and better for our fellow man? (And womyn, ladies!) Also, isn’t it terrific how Election Season makes us all very very smart and intelligent? USA! Well, we have another winner in the newest let’s-all-murder-one-another-for-democracy sweepstakes, and that man is a prominent Ron Paul supporter, who was once endorsed by the good doctor for his own congressional bid, and he has a radio show too! (Your Wonkette needs a radio show right quick, as it will better enable us to be a batshit-insane total piece of shit.) So, Adam Kokesh, whom would you like to kill today? “There is a way the nomination can be given to Ron Paul,” he read aloud [from an email from a young man whose name he did not give]. “There is a way to fix the situation we currently face with Obama versus Romney. Romney needs to die.” That is against the Wonkette Rules for Commenting Radicals! STOP IT RIGHT NOW, JERKS! Read more on Ron Paul Supporter So Lonely, Would Like A Visit From The Secret Service Too Please…
  good heavens

The Secret Service Would Like A Quiet Moment With Ted Nugent

Celebrated guitar-plucking analberry Ted Nugent caused quite the stir with this delightfully braindead comment the other day: “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Heh indeedy, what? Perhaps that was an “assassination joke,” or he was just chugging lighter fluid and saying nonsense, or both. What do you think, Secret Service? Read more on The Secret Service Would Like A Quiet Moment With Ted Nugent…
  we call them 'lewinsky's

Bin Laden’s Plot to Assassinate Obama: Not Close, No Cigar

Poor Osama Bin Laden. All he wanted was endless jihad and to assassinate his fellow terrorist Muslim Mr. B. Hussein Obama, and what did he get? Not another day older, for one. (You know the rest.) Anyhoo, looks like we know who won that dick-measuring contest. What do you think his “plot” consisted of? An exploding cigar? (Yes, it was an exploding cigar.) Sending Random Task to throw a shoe? Shooting down his Air Force One even though Bin Laden and his hilarious company of bumbling misfits do not apparently have any “weapons” capable of doing such a thing? Hint, it was that last one, even though they really should have gone with the cigar. Some things are just classic for a reason! But wait! There is more, and that is that Osama bin Laden LIBELED our own Handsome Old Joe Biden. SOMEONE GONNA PAY. Read more on Bin Laden’s Plot to Assassinate Obama: Not Close, No Cigar…
  likely stories

Wingnut Michael ‘Savage’ Weiner: Breitbart Was Assassinated

Second-rate AM radio jackass Michael “Savage” Weiner has an important insight regarding the collapse and death of blogger Andrew Breitbart on a sidewalk Wednesday night: It was maybe an assassination! After all, Breitbart liked to go around claiming he had hawt videos of Barack Obama talking to liberals, which makes Barack Obama ineligible to be president (because he’s black). Important website World Net Daily reports, “It’s entirely plausible, Savage acknowledged, that Breitbart simply collapsed of a heart attack because of overwork and a reported history of health problems.” In other words, the Weather Underground finally got Breitbart! Read more on Wingnut Michael ‘Savage’ Weiner: Breitbart Was Assassinated…
  crazy time

Geezers Charged With Terror Plot Inspired By Fox News ‘Expert’

The Year of Rage is moving along nicely: The four elderly Georgia men arrested for their alleged plot to kill a bunch of federal employees and simultaneously attack a half-dozen cities with poison and some other Rage Batman stuff were all inspired by a Fox News personality’s insanely inspirational novel about killing all the evil gubmint peoples. One interesting thing about mass worldwide insurrections is that all points on the ideological spectrum are eventually represented, which is exactly what we’re seeing in the three-year era (so far) that future alien historians will refer to as “The End of These Goddamned People.” Read more on Geezers Charged With Terror Plot Inspired By Fox News ‘Expert’…
  bad manners

Tea Party Lady Is Disappointed Her Obama Assassination Joke Was Not a Hit

Oh yawn, here is another Tea Party person who has taken to The Facebook to say possibly inappropriate things about our President and First Lady. What are they this time, socialist Kenyans? Hitler and Mrs. Hitler? WRONG! They are people who should be pushed out of a moving aircraft, according to a terrible joke that made its way around The Olds’ Facebook circuit. Read more on Tea Party Lady Is Disappointed Her Obama Assassination Joke Was Not a Hit…
  joe has plenty of archaic slurs for a guy like that

Osama Bin Laden Directive: Don’t Bother Killing Joe Biden

“He talks about targeting priorities,” the counterterror official said. “He says the president is of course the top target if you could get a shot at him. Also the military chiefs like the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the defense secretary, top military people. There is a note indicating that the vice president is not an important target because that position has less weight.” Read more on Osama Bin Laden Directive: Don’t Bother Killing Joe Biden…
  emergency flotus files

Michelle Obama Survives Near-Fatal Near-Miss Airplane Non-Crash

The entire American world is freaking out right now, according to the home pages of every single American news source, because Michelle Obama was nearly killed in what is being shrugged off as a “landing mishap.” The plane carrying our FLOTUS was only three miles away from a military C-17 instead of the required five miles. This is just how badly she wants to support the troops. Read more on Michelle Obama Survives Near-Fatal Near-Miss Airplane Non-Crash…
  why do we have to use the 'assassination' tag so often?

Town Hall Crowd Laughs When Person Asks Who’s Going To Shoot Obama

Republican Congressman Paul Broun of Georgia held a town hall meeting on Tuesday. Generally these days when a member of Congress meets with her constituents, she is shot in the head, but because President Obama made America more civil, the crowd simply asked, “Who’s going to shoot Obama?” Assassinating the president is a hilarious non-sequitur, so the crowd laughed. Broun, you will remember, was the guy who refused to attend the State of the Union this year and instead sat in his office and tweeted about how socialist Obama is, so he unfortunately missed the part of the speech when Obama revealed who’s going to murder him, and Broun was unable to pass this information along to his constituent. Broun didn’t condemn the question, of course. He simply agreed that people hate the president. Read more on Town Hall Crowd Laughs When Person Asks Who’s Going To Shoot Obama…
  worse containers than fetus jars

Student Charged With Trying To Blow Up George W. Bush

A young college student from Saudi Arabia who studied chemical engineering in Texas purchased explosive chemicals over the Internet as part of a plan to hide bomb materials inside dolls and baby carriages to blow up dams, nuclear plants or the Dallas home of former President George W. Bush, the Justice Department said Thursday. Read more on Student Charged With Trying To Blow Up George W. Bush…
  law and order: dads

Loughner’s Annoying Dad Bothered Him On Way To Alleged Murders

Saturday’s shooting spree and attempted assassination in Arizona is a story of senseless violence, mental instability, but also bravery. But also also, it is a story of dads being dads. Dads: Why won’t they leave you alone? Why are they constantly asking you to turn down the music up there? Why are they always trying to mess up your murderous rampage at the local grocery store? GOD, DADS, YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. Obviously, as Jared Loughner shows us, trying to plan out an assassination when you still live with your parents is the worst. “Get out of my room! I’m trying to work on the grisly murder of a government official and random bystanders! Jeeeeeeeeeez! Can’t I get a little privacy?” Read more on Loughner’s Annoying Dad Bothered Him On Way To Alleged Murders…
  but that's not what dr. phil said

Doctor Says Giffords Has ‘100 Percent’ Chance of Survival (Suck It, NPR)

“Well, I would say — you know, as a physician I am going to get in a lot of trouble for this — but her prognosis for survival is 100 percent, as far as it being short term,” Dr. Peter Rhee told Britain’s Channel 4 News. “I mean, hopefully she’ll live to be 95 years old. What her recovery is going to do, I really don’t know. I am very optimistic that she’s not going to be in a vegetative type of state, I think she’s going to make a fair amount of recovery. And what kind of deficits that she’ll have in the future, I really can’t say at this point, but I am still very optimistic.” Read more on Doctor Says Giffords Has ‘100 Percent’ Chance of Survival (Suck It, NPR)…
  murder balls

Joe Manchin Says He Doesn’t Hunt People With Gun, Just Stacks of Paper

Sen. Joe Manchin saw some Republican candidates in the midterms using heated rhetoric about using their guns on people, so he decided he had to do it too. So he went hunting for a wild cap-and-trade bill on some coon trail and shot it in slow motion with his sexy shotgun. Did he field dress it? Did he eat it raw, or did he cook it or make it into jerky? Did he “use the whole animal,” Indian-style? We don’t know, because the commercial is only 30 seconds. But Joe Manchin needs us to know that he would never actually kill somebody. “I have never targeted an individual, and I never would,” he said. Joe Manchin just wants to murder the environment, not you. Read more on Joe Manchin Says He Doesn’t Hunt People With Gun, Just Stacks of Paper…