Tag Archives: ass fucking

  gays are everywhere!

Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)

Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like. Read more on Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)…
  human mysteries

Anti-Gay Lady Doesn’t Know Ladies Can Have Butt Sex, Too

There are no pressing issues in Colorado, so the state Senate is hearing public testimony regarding “civil unions” (butt sex). That’s why this scary old lady from the “Eagle Forum” decided to lecture lawmakers on the proper use of the anus and the sphincter — and by “proper,” she definitely does not mean she’d like anybody sticking their whatzit in that business! This is why American Jesus-God made butts tight and, we guess, vaginas all loose and floppy? Is it possible this lady needs an emergency medical exam instead of dangerously sitting around the Colorado State Senate? The video answer may surprise you! Read more on Anti-Gay Lady Doesn’t Know Ladies Can Have Butt Sex, Too…
  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…
  cartoon violence

Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series

By the Comics CurmudgeonAs your Comics Curmudgeon demonstrated earlier this year, political cartoonists love butts. Just love ’em! The ass is the most polysemous of images, representing everything from sex appeal to debasement and humiliation to an actual butt. So we’re presenting a panoply of ass shots this week, with a greater emphasis on sodomy. But those of you who aren’t butt fans (even though such a person is scarcely imaginable), fear not! There will also be severed limbs. Read more on Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series…
  breaking

RUSH LIMBAUGH SCOOP: OBAMA WILL POISON YOUR ANUS: Gordon Brown if you are out there on the Internet we must pass along Rush Limbaugh’s very important safety warning about the dangers of poison anal fucking: “But the slobbering [over Barack Obama], the slobbering… this guy, folks I’m telling ya, if he keeps this up throughout the G20, Gordon Brown will come down with anal poisoning and may die from it.” Maybe he can walk us through the mechanics of this on tomorrow’s show. [HuffPo] Read more on …
  gop in the news

Nobody Wants To See Gay Larry Craig’s Gay Airport Bathroom Now

Larry Craig is a terrible closeted homosexual and right-wing Idaho “Super Tuber” who was also a loathsome crooked senator who would basically do whatever the land rapists asked, as long as he could keep up the bathroom ass-fucking/sucking. He was America’s Greatest Hero and the symbol of the Republican Party. But now nobody wants to see the tawdry public toilet at the Minneapolis airport where he was last caught plying his particular rough trade. Read more on Nobody Wants To See Gay Larry Craig’s Gay Airport Bathroom Now…
  george w. gush

Sexy New Version of Florida Recount Makes the Ultimate War On Xmas Present!

Oh look what your editor stumbled upon, yesterday, while researching the George W. Bush Jr. Xmas Gift Guide: It’s Florida Erection, the cult-classic homosexual pornography telling of the 2000 recount in Florida! Here, from the cover copy: “Hundreds of cum-drenched ballots are ignored by Florida Secretary of State Harris (Lana Luster) when she declares George Gush the winner.” Read more on Sexy New Version of Florida Recount Makes the Ultimate War On Xmas Present!…
  illinois ass parade

Republicans Jabbering About Their ‘Greased Chutes’

Wonkette Operative “Michael C” reports that this TARP-bailout hearing at the House is providing endless lulz. Why is Illinois Rep. Pete Roskam jabbering about tapping people’s backsides and the “greased chute of government”? Because he’s a Republican! It’s all about ass. Read more on Republicans Jabbering About Their ‘Greased Chutes’…
  society pages

The Washingtonienne Gets Married

Ha ha, we promised you more news from the Annals of Anal today, and here we have it, the blessed nuptials of the Washingtonienne! This young lady, Jessica Cutler, was briefly famous for keeping a blog about all the gentlemen in Washington she had dirty sex with. She got a book deal (whee!) and a lawsuit (boo!) and then she met some guy in a bar and she married him, early this week, wearing a “tasteful grey suit.” Mazel tov, kids! (Also note that Gawker’s sole and soon-to-be-gone female writer appears to be getting work from the Observer, which is nice.) [New York Observer] Read more on The Washingtonienne Gets Married…
  freudian typos

Conservative ‘Hot-Bottom Agenda’ Revealed

A University of Utah psychologist is displeased with her research being used inappropriately to bolster some nutty “you can think your way out of gayness” argument. But that is not the point. The point is that conservatives are obsessed with anal sex. [Salt Lake Tribune] Read more on Conservative ‘Hot-Bottom Agenda’ Revealed…
  cocktober

Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person

THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money. Read more on Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person…
  cartoon violence

Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?

By the Comics Curmudgeon While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. Read more on Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?…
  homosexuals

Gay Governor Charlie Crist Makes Up Girlfriend In Interview

The New York Times Magazine‘s Deborah Solomon has a reputation for being very “forward” in her weekly interviews. Or sometimes it’s just very unprepared, like that time she asked Stephen Colbert about his dad, and Colbert said his dad died in a plane crash when he was 10, and Solomon responded, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Ha ha, weird! She is terribly awkward, which made this Sunday’s interview with Florida’s secretly gay Governor Charlie Crist such a profound occasion. Read more on Gay Governor Charlie Crist Makes Up Girlfriend In Interview…
  godsends

Larry Craig Wants To Drill All Of America

A Wonkette Senate operative has informed us that Idaho Sen. Larry Craig is on the Senate floor now, and “he’s talking about the ‘Craig Does Act,’ and said ‘we adjusted ourselves a little bit’ referencing ‘the no zone’ as well.” Yes folks, it’s true: Larry Craig is a major player in Congressional efforts to end the ban on domestic drilling (for oil), with his very special “Craig D.O.E.S. Act,” which seeks to alleviate “Pain at the Pump.” Craig reasons that once America gets used to being drilled, the pumps won’t be as painful. [Sen. Larry Craig] Read more on Larry Craig Wants To Drill All Of America…
 

Huckabee Pulls a Santorum

In an interview with Beliefnet, Mike Huckabee says some things that will shock no one: Well, I don’t think that’s a radical view to say we’re going to affirm marriage. I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again. I think the radical position is to make a change in what’s been historic. After the jump, we try our best to parse this wonky legalese. Read more on Huckabee Pulls a Santorum…
 

Senator Larry Craig was in court again today arguing that he ought to be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea in the whole bathroom sex thing that was totally a mistake because he is TOTALLY NOT GAY. His lawyers continue to argue that since he didn’t actually engage in the ass- or face-fucking that he was TOTALLY NOT LOOKING FOR anyway, he didn’t really commit a crime. Seriously, Larry, you’re gay and everyone knows. Stop wasting everyone’s time and Minnesotans’ money and slink away like you did the first time. Read more on …
 

Homosexuality Is a Sin, and Huckabee’s a Sinner

newVideoPlayer("Huck_Homo_Snapper.flv", 475, 376,"");Just kidding! Well, he does say it’s a sin, and that he’s a sinner but he’s totes not a man who would choose that gay lifestyle because the “traditional concept of sexual behavior” is breeding, period. The danger with sex today, people, is that homosexuality is one of many “publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations.” Other publicly endorsed aberrations, according to Huckles, include sadomasochism, pedophilia and necrophilia. Ok, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these Christian conservative types? Does anyone else, anywhere, spend this much time thinking about other people having sex that isn’t doing so in order to masturbate, plan their next porno, or write for Fleshbot? Let alone, does anyone spend this much time equating the guy-on-guy anal action with fucking dead people, little kids or animals? Like, how does that even occur to you? Candidates are being assassinated in Pakistan and people are dying in Kenya over rigged elections and thousands of Americans and Iraqis are dead in Iraq because of a war we started for (apparently) no good reason and their feeble little minds are totally filled with thoughts of how God doesn’t want people to to engage in ass fucking because you can’t have babies? Jeebus Motherfucking Christ, I’m ready to start drinking now. Bring on the New Motherfucking Year. Read more on Homosexuality Is a Sin, and Huckabee’s a Sinner…
 

Cartoon Violence: It’s In One Hole or Out the Other

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons. Why would you ever want to be a political cartoonist? Sure, you might love poverty and labels and repetitive motion injuries and ink stains that never wash out, but you that’s not enough. You have to really want to make a visceral connection with your readers. You have to aim to hit them where they live. One of the best ways to do that is to build your cartoons around some of the most basic, primal, dare I say biological desires that lurk in the human mind. This week, after the jump, we have six cartoons based around those most fundamental human functions: fucking and shitting. Read on, if you dare. Read more on Cartoon Violence: It’s In One Hole or Out the Other…
 

Giant Anus Discovered

Great news, everybody: The long-lost Giant Earth Anus has been rediscovered! The Knights Templar had carefully guarded the butthole’s location in the Holy Land, but it was later located by either Indiana Jones or William S. Burroughs. And now the Israeli Army Men have found it again! Mystics and Nostradamus and Bob Novak have long predicted that the rediscovery of the Giant Anus would lead to a new era of rampant, constant ass-fucking from the House to the Senate to airport and train station men’s rooms all around the world. Gazans dig for profit [IDF/Reuters] Read more on Giant Anus Discovered…
 

Various Kinds of Holes

* “In a better-lit area of the warehouse, a construction project was underway: Two workers were building a maze of eight-foot-high cubicles for the ‘glory-hole’ portion of the premises. [City Desk] * “Screech is an asshole.” [Green Canary] * “Some of my passengers were bitching and moaning when they found out about the new fare and I can feel your pain but you have to understand that besides the rising fuel costs, my insurance, vehicle repair, dispatch fee, license & registration, the bribes at the inspection station and my hooker bills are going up also.” [Diary of a Mad Cabbie] * “As punishment for having hormone-charged sebaceous glands and a superior intellect, My Bully would push me to the ground and call me a FAG, which, for some ironic reason, stood for ‘Female Ass Grabber.'” [Ar-jew-tino] * “I mean, I don’t stick things up my ass.” [Eavesdrop DC] Read more on Various Kinds of Holes…