Tag Archives: asheville

  stop hitting yourself

PSA: Get Your Own Patriotic Protection Apparatus, Courtesy of the Asheville Tea Party

In the wake of the massacre of children at Sandy Hook Elementary (as well as the alarming violent trend in its aftermath), you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hey, I really need a gun.” Or you already exercise your rights to the fullest, and you’re thinking, “Hey, I really need more guns.” Either way, you’re sick of soft lawmakers who aren’t willing to address the issue in a meaningful way – ok, so some politicians are finally suggesting we arm our schoolteachers, but you’re an American, damnit, and you need to be equipped directly and immediately. Luckily, if you live in the Asheville, North Carolina area, the Asheville Tea Party has you covered. Read more on PSA: Get Your Own Patriotic Protection Apparatus, Courtesy of the Asheville Tea Party…
  wretched hive of scum and villainy

Street Preachers Shocked By Naked Effrontery of Rude North Carolina Sinners

Somehow, we completely missed the news that Asheville, NC, is one big reeking “cesspool of sin,” according to State Sen. Jim Forrester, one of the chief backers of that state’s idiotic ban on gay marriage and all civil unions. But apparently hordes of street evangelists heard about it, and so they descended on Asheville’s annual Belle Chere music and arts festival to save some souls. Astonishingly, many of the filthy hippies attending the fair did not take very kindly to being told they were going to hell, leading to scenes of lewdness, depravity, and gleeful trolling (for example, the handmade sign above reads “Teach Children to Worship Satan” — it’s a worthy effort, though we’ve seen better). According to Christian News Network, “the event has become more perverse with each passing year.” Asheville resident and evangelist Tom Pethtel, spurned by the heathen crowds, described festival-goers as having “an underlying real dark feel to people’s reaction when they hear people preaching or when someone tries to hand them a Gospel tract.” Another, missionary Jesse Boyd, expressed incredulity that Americans in large groups could be drunken louts, even when offered the precious gift of salvation by a man shouting at them through a bullhorn: Read more on Street Preachers Shocked By Naked Effrontery of Rude North Carolina Sinners…
  miner threat

Coal Companies Kill Mountains, For Fun

Every day, President Obama wakes up beside Rahm Emanuel (they are both naked) and wonders how he can force you stupid fucks to retroactively abort your children. This is his primary goal, as Commander-in-Chief. And then he gets up and does other things. One of the things “he” (as in the slaves he employs) has been up to lately is getting in the way of Clean Coal Energy. Read more on Coal Companies Kill Mountains, For Fun…
  major major security needed!

Rich Obamas Having Rich People Fun In North Carolina All Weekend

What are you doing this weekend, average Wonkette reader? Replacing that blow-up sex doll you stabbed mercilessly last weekend? Come on, this is the sixth one, when will you be content with sexing it “normally”? ANYWAY, Barack Obama and family are spending their weekend at Asheville, North Carolina’s luxurious Grove Park Inn Resort & Golf Course & Resort & Golf Course! What things are they doing that you’ll never do? The extremely hilarious joke from deputy press secretary Bill Burton up top gives you a clue: they’re eating food! Are they aliens? Read more on Rich Obamas Having Rich People Fun In North Carolina All Weekend…