Wonkette

Molly Ivins died today in Austin after her cancer came back again, making the Texas columnist the second nationally-syndicated American humorist to die this month. (Art Buchwald died two weeks ago. For you kids who only use newspapers as masturbation rap-metal aides on the MySpace, both of these people wrote “columns” for “old people” to “read.”)

The obvious question is Which National Humor Columnist Will Die Next? This is an uncomfortable subject, of course, but journalism often requires the asking of the hard questions so our democracy is better served. Let’s run down the list, after the jump.

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• Heard on the Hill: Katherine Harris’ new campaign manager was accused in 2001 of “tricking voters into signing its petitions for a proposed ban on gay marriage by asking voters to first sign a petition to protect horses from being killed and sold as food.” [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: Producers for James Carville and Mary Matalin’s high school politics-based reality show are having a hard time finding a school willing to host it…. Art Buchwald: Still alive, writing column. [WP]
• Rush and Molloy: When Fidel Castro kicks it for real, Cuba will once again become the exploitative capitalist paradise it was before the war, if the U.S.’s hottest club owners have anything to say about it. [NYDN]

• Names & Faces: Art Buchwald takes a break … Dallas Austin pardoned in Dubai. [WP]
• Page Six: Rudy Giuliani shares campaign ambitions with some party-goers, snubs others. [NYP]
• Daily Dish: Andrew Cuomo gets campaign support from the guy who allegedly ruined his marriage. [NYDN]
• Under the Dome: Presumed Bill Frist replacement works for the NASCAR vote. [The Hill]

* Have a listen to Lincoln Ross’ “Come To Washington,” the song that’s angling to become the official DC anthem. After which, life will be totally perfect. [Lincoln Ross]
* And then, participate in DCist’s DC Anthem Poll.
* And then, hear the shocking story of the invasion of the Dancing Flight Attendants of Heineken. [DCist]
* David Gregory gets the puff and fluff from Howie Kurtz. Gregs totally owes us for saving his job. [Washington Post]
* Finally, there’s never been a better time to give a shout-out to Art Buchwald. [Washington Post]

This week’s Sunday shows were best viewed with 20/20 hindsight.

Top topics: Dubai ports deal (dead) and the Southern Republican Leadership Conference straw poll (meaningless). This was leavened with some talk of Iraq and a single, lonely reference to Saturday’s Gridiron show.

Quotes to live by:
• Chris Wallaces curses us out: “Do the Democrats have — pardon the expression — a Newt Gingrich?”
• Bill Kristol also has the first Arctic Monkeys seven-inch: “I liked McCain before it was cool for conservatives to like McCain.”
• Everyone (except surprise mystery guest Joe Biden) avoids saying they’re running for President, though Huckabee does announce for 2016.
• Hospice-bound Art Buchwald stays wry: “I believe in God, but I’m not too certain that the people who are telling me that ‘it’s God’s will’ are the people I want to be listening to.”

Full rundown after the jump.

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* Reliable Source: Art Buchwald phones in from a hospice in Washington: “It’s like the Ritz-Carlton in Florida.”. . . Wax figure of Hillary is unveiled in New York. [WP]
* Rush & Molloy: George Clooney: “I love how they’re trying to blame the other guy for getting shot. Unless the guy is 20 feet tall, Cheney wasn’t aiming in the right direction.” [NYDN]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Mary Matalin tells “Today” show viewers that the Pentagon was forthcoming about Abu Ghraib. [NYDN]
* Page Six: George Soros incites counter-attack commercials in Texas after funding ads against Rep. Tom DeLay. . . In light of Cheney’s hunting accident, Republicans dredge up Chappaquiddick. [NYP]
* Cindy Adams: Republicans mumbling about a McCain-Rice ticket. Says Henry Kissinger, “But John, Condoleeza is only just a staff person.” [NYP]