Tag Archives: arson

  Here Is The Church Here Is The Steeple...Damn!

African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians

Yes, we know none of the churches were in Mississippi. But YOU try finding a movie called 'Georgia,Tennessee, Florida and Both Carolinas Burning'
This is a bad thing: Six African American churches have been burned, since the June 17 murders of nine people at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, and arson is suspected in at least three of the fires. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives are investigating, and while there’s no evidence yet that the fires are connected (and accidental causes are suspected in two fires), four Southern black churches burning within a week of a racist murder seems statistically unlikely to be pure random chance. Read more on African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians…
  on fire for the Lord

Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus

We were just saying that we wanted to find a Funny to write about for Friday afternoon, and HERE is a funny for you. Actually, it is not all funny, because the owners of the Hollywood Nights porn shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan, lost everything when a local “hair designer” (we guess that is one step above “hair decorator”) named Mitchell Hapner grabbed an ax and did the Lord’s Work of burning a sexxx store to the ground. Local Michigan news source WOOD-TV (ha ha ha ha ha) reports: Read more on Michigan Hairdresser Burns Down Porn Shop For Jesus…
  war is peace freedom is slavery failure is success

Darrell Issa F**ks Up Contempt Charges Against Lois Lerner, Because He Is Bad At His Job

Crybaby car-robber firebug Darrell Issa sucks. We could really end this post right now, but you are probably wondering why we are writing again about the sucktastic exploits of the World’s Worst Arsonist-and-Car-Robber-(and Crybaby!)-Turned-Congressman. Well, here is why: House Oversight Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) blew his chance to hold former IRS official Lois Lerner in contempt of Congress at a hearing last week, according to a new legal analysis being circulated by Democrats. Can this guy do anything right? No, the answer is clearly no. We fully expect that the next Oversight hearing will consist of Darrell Issa alternating between wetting himself and desperately trying to get his fingers unstuck from those little chineese fingercuffs.  Read more on Darrell Issa F**ks Up Contempt Charges Against Lois Lerner, Because He Is Bad At His Job…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  going to a party at the county jail

Hero Pro-Life Arsonist Guy Apparently Just Wanted To Save Fetuses For Later Use

So let’s say you are super against abortion, so you decide to light a whole bunch of women’s clinics on fire, to save the babbies. But, after your prison bit for that (a cool dozen years in the federal pen) you roll out and you put your life together because you saw the error of your ways and turned to nonviolence and the teachings of the Dalai Lama. Oh wait no you do not because you are a horrible person that burns down women’s clinics, so you become even more awful and start sexually assaulting children. But first, let’s recap your illustrious arson career, Mr. Curtis Anton Beseda of Washington state! Read more on Hero Pro-Life Arsonist Guy Apparently Just Wanted To Save Fetuses For Later Use…
  truth busy putting on shoes

Sun Rises In East, Darrell Issa Lies About It

We have let you down, Wonkeroos. It has been weeks — WEEKS — since we have brought you news of the Liarest Liar of all Liardom, Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Scrotum). But fear not! He’s slithered out from whatever unholy bunghole of repulsiveness he has been hibernating in, and has SHOCKINGLY been lying to the media. Was it a lie about the fake IRS scandal? Or perhaps BENGHAZI!!1!? No, no, dear friends. He is lying on Obamacare this time, according to Wonkette hero and multi-time nominee for Legislative Badass Elijah Cummings (D-MD)? Let’s sexplore.  Read more on Sun Rises In East, Darrell Issa Lies About It…
  let the motherfucker burn

Mitch McConnell, Ya Burnt

How many pixels had to die so Kentucky Senate candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes could accuse Mitch McConnell of CGI arson? And isn’t that really Darrell Issa’s thing anyway? (Yes.) Anyway, here is Lundergan Grimes being very MEAN to poor sad old Mitch McConnell, or at least her male narrator is so she doesn’t have to get her hands dirty accusing poor sad old Mitch McConnell of burning down the country, which he did vote to do when he voted for the government shutdown, but only because he is a pussy who’s scared of Ted Cruz. Read more on Mitch McConnell, Ya Burnt…
  burning with christ's love

Missouri Man Confesses To Arsons At Mosque, Planned Parenthood Office, Is Definitely Not A Terrorist Because ‘White’

Hey, remember that loony guy last year who protested all the gheys by setting fire to a box of Cheerios at gay-friendly General Mills, with hilarious lawn-burning results? OK, that guy is not really part of this story at all, but the very same day we ran that story, another friend of Jebus burned a mosque to the ground in Joplin, Missouri, and we reported the two events together, because hey, setting stuff on fire for the Prince of Peace, right? So now, a bit over a year later, the mosque-burner, one Jedediah Stout, 29, has confessed to police after being arrested for two recent attempts to set fire to Joplin’s Planned Parenthood clinic. He also admitted to an earlier 2012 attempt to burn the same mosque. If nothing else, Mr. Stout is a study in perseverance and the work ethic, the little arsonist who could — at least once out of four tries. We’re waiting patiently for Stout to be charged with terrorism as well. HA-HA, who are we kidding? Read more on Missouri Man Confesses To Arsons At Mosque, Planned Parenthood Office, Is Definitely Not A Terrorist Because ‘White’…
  investigate the pointer sisters

Wingnuts Figure Islamic Terrorists Are Better Explanation For Wildfires Than Global Warming, Carelessness, Lightning (Updated)

UPDATE: We’ve heard back from the National Interagency Fire Center; additional details at end of post) Well, golly, here’s a break from all that Syria stuff: the National Home for Completely Plausible Conspiracy Theories, aka WND, ran a story today suggesting — in that asking-questions-in-a-headline way — that al Qaeda is behind the wildfires burning up large chunks of the West this summer. Now, of course, it’s completely impossible that global warming has anything to do with any of the fires, because it is fake. And so are lightning and carelessness. But terrorists setting wildfires? That makes perfect sense, and WND even found a guy with some credentials who says so! Read more on Wingnuts Figure Islamic Terrorists Are Better Explanation For Wildfires Than Global Warming, Carelessness, Lightning (Updated)…
  crying over you

David Plouffe Calls Darrell Issa A Crybaby Car Robber Firebug To His Face (On Twitter)

Why is top Obama adviser and ’08 campaign guru David Plouffe being so Uncivil as to call crybaby car robber arsonist Darrell Issa a crybaby car robber firebug? Probably because flibbenflobbenslobberIRSghazi the Obama Administration is the most dastardly and intimidating administration the world has ever known, and this is just one more instance of how COMPLETELY UNFAIRLY they will intimidate you by calling you a crybaby car robber firebug just because you were charged with stealing cars and suspected of burning down your own buildings, and also because you love to cry. (Apparently, David Plouffe forgot to put “crybaby” in his Tweeter, can somebody ask him to correct it?) Read more on David Plouffe Calls Darrell Issa A Crybaby Car Robber Firebug To His Face (On Twitter)…
  bravery of the oppressed

Hero Gets ‘All Riled Up’ On Fox News And Beer, Burns Mosque

It is plainly obvious that Christians are being hate-crushed in these United States, having their beliefs beaten out of them by godless demons and Muslims, who are not godless demons but do worship one. It’s more than just Christmas, too — there’s obviously that whole thing about how pizza-delivery men are not allowed to take pills away from women, but now a good, Christian patriot is going to jail just for setting a mosque on fire. WILL THE INJUSTICE NEVER STOP? Read more on Hero Gets ‘All Riled Up’ On Fox News And Beer, Burns Mosque…
  Burning Desire

What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?

A portly neckbearded gentleman with a pink shirt and a blowtorch sets fire to a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to show General Mills that he does not care for its gay-friendly policies. It does not go quite as brilliantly as he planned, thanks to wind and highly flammable sugar. But what else has been set on fire lately? Well, what hasn’t? Read more on What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?…
  scissor sisters

Is Florida’s Pretty Lt. Gov. Lady Having Lesbionic Interracial Affair With Aide?

That’s a good question, in that headline right there up above here, that you just read. It comes to us via the court filings of a lady who worked for Florida’s lieutenant governor, Jennifer Carroll, and who is now on trial for sharing secret tape recordings with a reporter. She says, and we believe this is a direct quote from her filing, “Dude, everyone in the office recorded everyone else, it was the policy, and also I totally saw Jennifer Carroll and travel aide Beatriz Ramos lezzing out.” Read more on Is Florida’s Pretty Lt. Gov. Lady Having Lesbionic Interracial Affair With Aide?…
  blue eyes crying in the rain

Crybaby Car Robber/Firebug Darrell Issa: Obama Administration ‘Most Corrupt In History’

Well, he would know, amirite? Anyway, you are probably wondering what Ol’ Good Government Bama did THIS time — aside from just cold unapologetically insisting on being a registered Democrat — and it is this: that awful Vegas boondoggle by those GSA idiots (which everyone agrees was terrible and ridiculous), and the investment in Solyndra, a green energy company that went bankrupt. And … that’s it? Yes, that is it. So the terrible and ridiculous (everyone agrees!) GSA event that cost in the realm of $800,000, and an investment in Solyndra that soured, puts Obama above the Teapot Dome scandal, above Abramoff, above Tricky Dick Nixon, and above St. Ronald Reagan’s Iran Contra, November Surprise, and 138 officials convicted of criminal misconduct? It is good to know we have such a fair-minded gentlemen not at all prone to histrionics and crying chairing the House Oversight Committee! Read more on Crybaby Car Robber/Firebug Darrell Issa: Obama Administration ‘Most Corrupt In History’…
  anonymous patriots

Arkansas Sets Fire To Devil NPR Station

An unknown arsonist broke into the transmitter building of NPR affiliate KUAR in Little Rock on Saturday and briefly liberated the slave state’s airwaves from such Devil’s programming as jazz “music” (no banjos?) and Garrison Keillor. “Saturday around 5:30 p.m., the KUAR transmitter went off the air. Nathan Vandiver, who was on duty, notified Tom Rusk, who headed to the transmitter site. Tom arrived just before 6 p.m. to find smoke coming from the building. He also discovered that the padlock on the transmitter building door had been forcibly removed and another lock placed on one of the other padlocks on the door.” Despite this angel’s heroic attempts to burn down the big-words rade-yuh station and keep the union thug firefighters out of the smoldering librul smut, KUAR is now back on the air. And that has a certain God VERY upset. Read more on Arkansas Sets Fire To Devil NPR Station…
  daily briefing

Dead Michael Jackson Is Finally Placed Underground, With All The Other Deads

FINALLY: Famous dead Jackson, Michael Jackson, was buried in the ground outside Los Angeles last night. [New York Times] Some Obama cabinet members, like America’s Vice President Joe Biden, are hesitant about sending more troops to Afghanistan, while other people are not hesitant at all about doing this. A nation waits for George Will’s “tiebreaker.” [New York Times] Read more on Dead Michael Jackson Is Finally Placed Underground, With All The Other Deads…
  romantical working weekends gone wrong

Firebug Peter Orszag Nearly Burnt Down Office

One of the lesser-known members of President Obama’s cabinet is a young hipster with clever glasses named Peter Orszag. As the budget director, he does things with numbers and money. And he has shown that despite his heavy math nerd cred, he is also capable of conversing with other humans in a pleasant manner, which makes him an invaluable Congressional negotiator. In other words, Peter Orszag is proving to be quite the catch! Except that he already tried to destroy his office. Read more on Firebug Peter Orszag Nearly Burnt Down Office…
 

Senate Burns, Bush Issues Emergency Decree

A series of “suspicious fires” in the Dirksen and Hart Senate buildings has everybody all freaked out, because we all know what happens after the arson in the lawmakers’ headquarters. A total of four garbage-can fires were set (and extinguished) between 10:45 a.m. and 2 p.m. today, Capitol police said. Read more on Senate Burns, Bush Issues Emergency Decree…