John Kerry’s Drunk Daughter Busted In Hollywood
Thursday, November 19th, 2009
Oh jeez we will have to rewrite this lede to cover the (allegedly!) drunken Democrats who will all be arrested in Hollywood every night until Jesus’ birthday and the New Year are safely behind us: “It’s the holiday season, which means the Northern Virginia suburbs Hollywood are is going to be particularly deadly until January 3 or so, as Republican congresspeople elitist Democrats and their drunken wives and rent boys adult children wreak havoc on the icy semen-slick suburban gentrified urban streets.” MORE »
It’s the holiday season, which means the Northern Virginia suburbs are going to be particularly deadly until January 3 or so, as Republican congresspeople and their drunken wives and rent boys wreak havoc on the icy suburban streets. Congratulations to Charlene Lugar, wife of Republican Senator Dick Lugar, for winning the “First of the Season” award by just crashing into a parked car, because she was (allegedly!) drunk. 
Everybody thought it was so awesome when President Obama invited over the hostile white cop and the indignant black professor for domestic beers at his house, but did you know he is not even letting these people inside? “‘[W]eather permitting, the three men will meet at a picnic table outside the Oval Office,” reports the Boston Globe. Then, in a moment of tragic irony, the president will excuse himself for a potty break, realize he’s locked himself out of his house, decide to just whizz in the bushes instead, and all three men will be executed by the Secret Service, the end. [
As approximately 15 bajillion tipsters have excitedly emailed us, Sarah Palin’s daughter’s soon-to-be-baby-daddy’s mom has been arrested for something having to do with drugs. On the one hand, this is totally non-news, because trashy white ladies get arrested every day for — well, whatever Sherry Johnston was arrested for, nobody’s saying. Dealing pot? Cooking meth? Secretly growing a glorious garden of opium poppies in her back yard in scenic Wasilla, home to the world’s largest collection of dumpsters and gravel pits? 
A famous national Democratic leader, “State Sen. Derrick Shepherd, D-Marrero,” in Louisiana, has been arrested for … well, we can’t really figure out what for, exactly, but it involves lap dancers, in his house, plus maybe his mom and sister? Punching an ex-girlfriend in the stomach, after breaking into her house? Oh, and he is also already being prosecuted “mail fraud, conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, and conspiracy to commit money laundering,” which is apparently unrelated to this current arrest. 