The governor of California went on George Stephanopoulos’ show the other day and said he wouldn’t turn down a Cabinet posting from whoever got elected president. In just six months, America will finally have a Secretary of Bipartisan Grabass: perhaps not the one it wants, but the one it deserves. [The Caucus, Top of the Ticket]

Just in time for the November coup by poorly-aging gimp-DILF John McCain, the free states of America are planning to unman our households and militias. Now that Charlton Heston is safely packed in his coffin with a dozen darling rifles, 38 states want to take away our sidearms—those wonderful death-sticks that have for years consoled our bitterness regarding our poverty. (Me, I take my gun to church. Next they will take our nativity scenes and our child brides. Later flesh-coated robots will come and intercourse with our children in the public-private schools.) This initiative is led on numerous fronts: Tiny wonderful oligarch Jew Michael Bloomberg in New York is bullying all of America’s wuss-mayors; and also the extremely liberal Supreme Court is, in D.C. v. Heller, quite possibly planning on taking guns away from D.C. residents, which is exactly where America needs its guns most. You see the larger picture here: we will be defenseless against the bolt-necked army of Cindy McCains. [New York Times]

Hey look, it’s a study of why everyone is fainting so damn much at Barack and Hillary’s speeches. Why doesn’t the Main Stream Media show the numerous fainting wicket goblins at Ron Paul’s rallies though? America is not ready to elect a wicket goblin as president, Dr. Sanjay Gupta advises.

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Friends, last week was totally boring in Condiland, so we’re going to ignore it! Instead, we’re going to ponder the opposite of Condi. Yes, just as there is an Antichrist (no, not Dick Cheney, Kathy Lee Gifford!) and an Anti-Elvis (Michael J. Fox), so too is there an Anti-Condi. Who is it? Join me after the jump and find out!

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ARNOLD ENDORSES McCAIN WHILE ARNOLD’S KENNEDY WIFE ENDORSES OBAMA: The rich really are different — they’re all insane! Schwarzenegger endorsed John McCain last week, after Rudy Giuliani dropped out in disgrace, and after Schwarzenegger weakly claimed he wouldn’t endorse anyone. But at a “surprise appearance” (with Oprah) in Los Angeles on Sunday, Arnold’s trophy-Kennedy wife Maria Shriver said she’s endorsing Barack Obama. WTF? Aren’t the various first couples supposed to at least pretend they’re on the same team? [New York Sun/Baltimore Sun]

ARNOLD ENDORSES MCCAIN! Go back to Mexico, Mitt Romney. California Governor and Famous Movie Star Arnold Schwarzenegger will endorse John “Walnuts!” McCain tomorrow. But isn’t Arnold a Kennedy? [Reuters]

So let’s say you’re running a state, California let’s say, and you have a bit of a budget shortfall to the tune of $14 billion dollars. For the hell of it, let’s also say that you’re prison system is totally fucked, packed to the brim, bursting at the seams, etc, and also costing the state a pretty penny. You’re an innovative governor, an actor or something instead of a career politician, so you’re into finding innovative solutions that work for the average Californian. Is there some solution you can come up with to ease the prison burden and also save the state some cash? Hey, wait! Why not just let the prisoners out of prison? MORE »

Ever think about waking up next to Mary Carey tits every morning? To spoon and cup them gently from behind? To hit that snooze button a few times and sleep in? Well, now you can. Sort of. The top-heavy porn star, who ran for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger in 2003, is auctioning off her breast implants on eBay to benefit the Susan G. Komen Foundation. By post time, the highest bid was $6,400.

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Eunice Kennedy Shriver, Ah-nuld’s mother-in law, founder of the Special Olympics and Ted Kennedy’s sister, was hospitalized 2 days after this photo was taken and remains in fair condition at Mass General in Boston. Although neither the family or the hospital is releasing her official prognosis or the reason for her unfortunate hospitalization, Maria Shriver’s spokesman said, “She’s a remarkably resilient person. In each case, she’s drawn strength from the good wishes and prayers of people all over the world. I would hope and expect it would be true in this case again.” Maria and Arnold visited over the weekend and new reports indicate she stayed in Boston upon Arnold’s return to be with her mother. [Contra Costa Times, Boston Herald]

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, known among fellow Republicans as “Liberal Socialist Guy Who Does Kennedy,” made what he considered to be a “joke” to the latest UK edition of GQ: that marijuana is not a drug, “it’s a leaf.” Well HA HA HA! We the American people are so glad that you consider marijuana cigarettes to be a joke, Mr. Governor of Drugs (Drug Party-CA)! Your constituents will not stand for this anti-Jesusery. MORE »

Actual AP headline: “Schwarzenegger’s blueprint for terminating British PM.” [Brietbart/AP]