Tag Archives: arnold schwarzenegger

  steven and vlad sitting in a tree

Steven Seagal Is World’s Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin

We know that bloated completely faded star Steven Seagal thinks of himself as a real-life action figure/spy, what with his training a vigilante posse and such. But did you know he’s also a leading authority on Russia?! In Steven Seagal’s mind he totally is and he loves him some Vladimir Putin, probably because they are both just so darn manly. And is that thing where Putin just strolls in and takes Crimea cool? Totally cool, says geopolitical expert Steven Seagal. Read more on Steven Seagal Is World’s Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin…
  hanging chads have no chance against a total recall

Arnold Schwarzenegger Seeks Permission To Outsource White House To Foreigners

Americans, we need to band together. Not you fake-Americans what who love the gehys and messicans and blahs and all the creepy different people who are ruining this country white folk rightly earned by killing off the people who were here before. We need Real AmericansTM to stop our country from being overrun by damn forriners (and not those guys who sing Juke Box Hero cause they ROCK). First, we have a Kenyan socialist dictator spiking footballs, and then the House of Representatives was bullied by a Moose-cock sucking Canadian! Now dirty eastern Europeans want in on the action, per Page Six: Action star and former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been lobbying for support to change the law to allow him to run for president in 2016, Page Six has exclusively learned. Why don’t we just hand over the keys to the nukelur codes to the United Nations?!?  Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger Seeks Permission To Outsource White House To Foreigners…
  i never thought it would happen to me

In What ‘Sex Act’ Was Arnold Schwarzenegger Engaged When Snapped By Bob Guccione’s Camera?

Some of you are old enough to remember a fine man called Bob Guccione Jr Sr. He was an erudite fellow, not at all disgusting or blobby, and he owned the gentlemen’s gazette Penthouse. This exceptional periodical was like Hustler, but with fewer racist cartoons, and it was most famous for its “Penthouse Coliseum,” to which adventurers would write after having completed some grand journey and herculean feat, like boning three nubile coed geishas at the oncet. Guccione, as one does, left a treasure behind after his too-early demise, in the form of a bunch of crap filed carefully away in a New Jersey storage locker. The magnificent haul, discovered and excavated by some hedge fund manager guy, included unpublished nakey pixxx of Madonna* and Lauren Hutton, correspondence with famous gunslinger Dick “Dick” Cheney, and a photograph, seen by the New York Post, of “a young Arnold Schwarzenegger** engaged in what appears to be a sex act.” A sex act!!!! ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER???!!!??? Oh, right. But what kind? Read more on In What ‘Sex Act’ Was Arnold Schwarzenegger Engaged When Snapped By Bob Guccione’s Camera?…
  signs of the end times

Maria Shriver Officially Tells Arnold Schwarzenegger To Go Suck It

How was that Fourth of July long weekend? Did everyone act like a real American for one day? Let’s say it was a contest to see who could be the most American of all, and in that case Maria Shriver automatically wins, for officially filing her divorce papers from her cheating politician husband, the stoner robot-with-a-heart Arnold Schwarzenegger guy who was in charge of watching California’s debt problems get worse for a few years. So, to sum up this whole tragic thing: Arnold, whose main legacy is the fact that millions of hillbillies can pronounce at least one hard-to-sound-out furriner surname without too much trouble, screwed around on his Kennedy wife who gave up her career in journalism (haha, she had one to give up) so he could run for governor, and this is how it ends: Read more on Maria Shriver Officially Tells Arnold Schwarzenegger To Go Suck It…
  the sperminator

Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t just bang his housekeepers all the time, while he was married to a woman apparently living in the same house. Arnold also had “CHP Dignitary Protection Services” officers deliver hot young club girls to the Hyatt in Sacramento where he lived while governatin’ and fornicatin’. This, according to political journals including the Daily Mail and National Enquirer, happened constantly. Some people just should not be allowed to have free time. Read more on Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel…
  but he loves children!

Children’s Comic About Schwarzenegger Mysteriously Halted

For reasons as mysterious as the motivations of superheroes themselves, Marvel Comics has canceled plans to put out a comic book and cartoon show called Governator and starring the character of former California governor/gross old movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why would such a sure hit be halted? Can’t a multi-millionaire celebrity/politician do whatever he wants? Read more on Children’s Comic About Schwarzenegger Mysteriously Halted…
  it's morning in america

Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband was the father. Yay! We’re so happy for that maid! Wasn’t it great that she Chose Life? She will now get to team up with Bristol Palin (assuming she’s not one of those Messicans and can speak English or whatever it is those Palins communicate in) and parade the kid across the country as it TERMINATES teen abortion with all the strength of a grandchild of a Nazi. None of those Kennedy broads-on-the-side ever had a baby, right? That’s how you know Arnold is a Republican. And all of this is why his wife left him. [LAT] Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’… Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’…
  lives of the rich

Arnold Schwarzenegger: A Brief History of a Show-Biz Republican

Here’s a funny thing, on this day when the Important Political Media is reporting on the separation of former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Kennedy Family lady Maria “Sargent” Shriver: We like Arnold. We like Maria. We don’t know them, although we have long existed in that strange California zone between media, politics and celebrity where these people do their peculiar work. Ha ha, we were actually working (as a newspaper editor) for former L.A. mayor Richard Riordan, who was planning to run for governor, when Arnold announced he was running for governor, on the Jay Leno program. It is hard not to like Arnold, we hear. He is known to be pleasant and friendly — a little too friendly in the past, as far as women and their boobies are concerned — and his form of Republican Politics is positively quaint compared to the frothing imbecile demagogues of today. Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger: A Brief History of a Show-Biz Republican…
  chappaquiddick 2

Bin Laden Was Only Thing Keeping Schwarzenegger and His Wife Together

Oh no! According to this Arianna Huffington news box that came up on our junk America On Line 3.0 e-mail account from 1994, Osama bin Laden was the only guy keeping Arnold Schwarzenegger and his Kennedy wife together, and now that he’s no longer alive to counsel them about their marital issues, California’s official mom and dad have separated. This is so sad! Bin Laden’s life may have had its ups and downs, but he was so good at marriage he had three of them going at the same time. Read more on Bin Laden Was Only Thing Keeping Schwarzenegger and His Wife Together…
  the power is yours

Voters: Here’s the Trailer For Arnold Schwarzenegger’s New Cartoon

If the Constitution had been changed, this man could be a Republican frontrunner for the presidential nomination right now. Instead, we just have a few boring small time governors in the race, and he’s making cartoons about hiding teens in some high-tech sex dungeon in his house. Read more on Voters: Here’s the Trailer For Arnold Schwarzenegger’s New Cartoon…
  charl-mentum

Charlie Crist Earns Coveted Steroid Nut/Vaccine Denialist Endorsements

The Senate three-way in Florida: Still happening, we guess! Rubio and orange-fleshed moderate Charlie Crist and whatshisname, the other guy, are duking it out for the right to a job that will allow them to get the hell out of Florida eight months out of the year. Charlie has a particularly tough task because he doesn’t have a major party machine backing him up with money or appearances from ex-presidents, so he has to get endorsements the old fashioned way: by wheedling them out of his friends. So far he’s managed to get some famous dead politician’s son and an actual fellow governor, though the governor could only be bothered to do it by Twitter. Read more on Charlie Crist Earns Coveted Steroid Nut/Vaccine Denialist Endorsements…
  but also he is 'the kindergarten cop'

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blind

Is Arnold flying across Alaska, or is he so enormous and Austrian that he can just “be over” Anchorage, and look down on it as he searches for Russia? It’s almost impossible to know, even if you inspect the accompanying “twitpic” very carefully, which we did. Point is: Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to get his ass to LensCrafters. Okay, now insert your “David Paterson also has a hard time seeing Russia” joke right here: ___________________ . [The Hill] Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blind…
  it's morning in america

Oil Disaster Spoils Arnold’s Fun, Tennessee Floods, Washington Gets High

The Nightmare in the Gulf of Mexico claimed another victim Monday: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s big plan to fund California’s cash-starved state parks with offshore drilling along the coast where the most popular state parks are located. It was the kind of brilliant piss-everybody-off scheme that Schwarzenegger has excelled at during his seven years as governor. So the parks are still broke. For his bonus round, Arnold vetoed a popular bill that would’ve banned cigarette smoking on state beaches. Oh, and the “Governator” also made public his support for Obamacare and is fighting the oil industry’s attempts to repeal California’s alternative energy law. Everybody unhappy now? Good! [Mercury News/SF Gate/LA Times/Associated Press] Read more on Oil Disaster Spoils Arnold’s Fun, Tennessee Floods, Washington Gets High… Read more on Oil Disaster Spoils Arnold’s Fun, Tennessee Floods, Washington Gets High…
  not even trying anymore

Schwarzenegger Basically Admits He’s A Democrat

What is with this liberal Hollywood Kennedy-in-law, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger? Can he not even pretend to be interested in agreeing with his fellow Republicans on the simplest of conservative precepts, such as the Known Fact that the president is a demon hell-turd sent from the Future in order to socialize our mammograms? Read more on Schwarzenegger Basically Admits He’s A Democrat…
  also a nazi

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Modernist

It’s like a veto, but with a half-cryptic message! Schwarzenegger’s office responds that this is just a “weird coincidence,” kind of like that time when foreign actor Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow became Governor of California. And yet! The bill he was rejecting in this letter was one dealing with financing for San Francisco ports, sponsored by San Francisco assemblyman Tommy Ammiano, who apparently shouted “kiss my gay ass” at the governor at an event earlier this month. Meanwhile, California is still broke. [SF Chronicle] Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger, Modernist…
  very precious

Arnold Schwarzenegger Going Through Difficult Phase

He finds that if he can just make a list of three modest things to accomplish each day, and then accomplish those things, then the day will have been a success, and he can be happy and won’t have to drink so much at night. [Twitter/Arnold Schwarzenegger via SFist] Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger Going Through Difficult Phase…
  would be nice if they had senate votes

Various Somewhat-Republican People With No Congressional Power Endorse NobamaKare!

Dare we call this a ROLL-OUT? MMHMM. After only eight months, and with health care reform shockingly enough moving forward and almost (almost!) out of committee, a few random Republicans and ex-Republicans and pretend Republican movie stars have decided, “We like this thing, the Obama health care reform, and we don’t care who knows!” (Well, Bill Frist does kind of care who knows, which is why he’s walking his support back. Whoopsy Doctor Bill!) Read more on Various Somewhat-Republican People With No Congressional Power Endorse NobamaKare!…
  rumors on the internets

‘Woop-Woop! That’s the Sound of da Ayatollah!’

If you thought Marion Barry could dance, think again! Because Al Sharpton is nimble as a ballerina. [Michelle Malkin] With all its student loans and Mongolian hordes of credit card debt, California is having a hard time paying the bills! But that hasn’t stopped the California State Legislature from jerkin’ the gherkin and debating into the wee hours about COW TAILS and other issues concerning cow anatomy, like, for example, why they have tails and we don’t? Sounds like a job for a new ad-hoc committee! Oh dear, Arnold Schwarzenegger IST SEHR ANGRY. [Hit & Run] Read more on ‘Woop-Woop! That’s the Sound of da Ayatollah!’…
  gorillas in the mist

Schwarzenegger Congratulates Rush Limbaugh For Slimming Down To 650 Pounds

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger simply does not care for the right-wing fatso losers who now dominate the GOP. Rush Limbaugh has probably already revoked Arnold’s party membership. Soon the entire Republican party will consist of this bloated buffoon on the AM radio and the commenters at Free Republic. And Schwarzenegger will be the “green energy czar” or whatever in the Obama Administration, the end. [CNN] Read more on Schwarzenegger Congratulates Rush Limbaugh For Slimming Down To 650 Pounds…
  the party of no

Californians Vote Against Almost Everything

Oh well here is a shocker: Nobody in California had the time, inclination, or detailed budgetary expertise to make a good ruling on the many ballot measures up for approval yesterday, so instead they voted “no” on everything except a legislative salary freeze and then they went to In-n-Out Burger for a double double. Read more on Californians Vote Against Almost Everything…
  wonkette's voting guide

Exciting Election Today In California About …. ?

It’s pretty exciting to vote, right? Remember how cool you felt in November, voting for the black dude? Remember how fun it was, voting against goddamned Sarah Palin and Walnuts? And just cold goin’ down the ballot and voting against anybody with an “R” after their name? Fun times. You can relive the excitement today in California, if you live there and do the voting thing — and if you read Wonkette, there’s a one-in-three chance you do live and vote in California. Who knew? Read more on Exciting Election Today In California About …. ?…
  wonk'd

Several Republicans Spotted At Coffee Shops Recently

All of the important DC people are at the Fiscal Responsibility Summit, being eaten by lions, so we have rounded up exclusive insider information about famous-for-DC types being spotted in other places, such as glamorous Naples, Florida back in 2006, or in Los Angeles a couple weeks ago. Click the clicky to learn how Fred Thompson once reacted to an inappropriate joke! Read more on Several Republicans Spotted At Coffee Shops Recently…