Tag: arnold schwarzenegger

Get him, Olivia!

DVR Alert! NBC To Air ‘Law & Order: Duggar Fingers Unit’ This Fall

You knew it was coming, even if you hadn't thought about it. No, not another revelation about Josh Duggar playing Hey Diddle Diddle with his fingers inside another porn star! (Those will come soon, we are sure, but not...

For Real I Would Bang John Boehner: A Sexxxifesto

I come not to bury John Boehner, but to talk about the dirty, nasty things I would do to his drunken old cry-body that you know smells like geologic layers of nicotine sweating some really nice wine. "Gross," you...
Yup.

Douchebag Hipsters Named Trevor Would Like A Glass Of Your Finest Rosé Please

First off, apologies to all the Trevors, but we had to pick a name, so we went with Trevor. Or Chase. It could easily be Chase. Would Hunter like to join us? Sup bro? What shall we do this...

Steven Seagal Is World’s Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin

We know that bloated completely faded star Steven Seagal thinks of himself as a real-life action figure/spy, what with his training a vigilante posse and such. But did you know he's also a leading authority on Russia?! In Steven...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Seeks Permission To Outsource White House To Foreigners

Americans, we need to band together. Not you fake-Americans what who love the gehys and messicans and blahs and all the creepy different people who are ruining this country white folk rightly earned by killing off the people who...

In What ‘Sex Act’ Was Arnold Schwarzenegger Engaged When Snapped By Bob Guccione’s Camera?

Some of you are old enough to remember a fine man called Bob Guccione Jr Sr. He was an erudite fellow, not at all disgusting or blobby, and he owned the gentlemen's gazette Penthouse. This exceptional periodical was like...

Maria Shriver Officially Tells Arnold Schwarzenegger To Go Suck It

How was that Fourth of July long weekend? Did everyone act like a real American for one day? Let's say it was a contest to see who could be the most American of all, and in that case Maria...

Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't just bang his housekeepers all the time, while he was married to a woman apparently living in the same house. Arnold also had "CHP Dignitary Protection Services" officers deliver hot young club girls to the Hyatt...

Children’s Comic About Schwarzenegger Mysteriously Halted

For reasons as mysterious as the motivations of superheroes themselves, Marvel Comics has canceled plans to put out a comic book and cartoon show called Governator and starring the character of former California governor/gross old movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger....

Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: A Brief History of a Show-Biz Republican

Here's a funny thing, on this day when the Important Political Media is reporting on the separation of former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Kennedy Family lady Maria "Sargent" Shriver: We like Arnold. We like Maria. We...

Bin Laden Was Only Thing Keeping Schwarzenegger and His Wife Together

Oh no! According to this Arianna Huffington news box that came up on our junk America On Line 3.0 e-mail account from 1994, Osama bin Laden was the only guy keeping Arnold Schwarzenegger and his Kennedy wife together, and...

Voters: Here’s the Trailer For Arnold Schwarzenegger’s New Cartoon

If the Constitution had been changed, this man could be a Republican frontrunner for the presidential nomination right now. Instead, we just have a few boring small time governors in the race, and he's making cartoons about hiding teens...

Charlie Crist Earns Coveted Steroid Nut/Vaccine Denialist Endorsements

The Senate three-way in Florida: Still happening, we guess! Rubio and orange-fleshed moderate Charlie Crist and whatshisname, the other guy, are duking it out for the right to a job that will allow them to get the hell...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Blind

Is Arnold flying across Alaska, or is he so enormous and Austrian that he can just "be over" Anchorage, and look down on it as he searches for Russia? It's almost impossible to know, even if you inspect the...

Oil Disaster Spoils Arnold’s Fun, Tennessee Floods, Washington Gets High

The Nightmare in the Gulf of Mexico claimed another victim Monday: Arnold Schwarzenegger's big plan to fund California's cash-starved state parks with offshore drilling along the coast where the most popular state parks are located. It was the kind...