It’s a special edition of Wonkette Weather Service! See that neon blood red Hell Dot over Washington, DC? No, you don’t, because you’ve already died in the 700-mph-wind hail storm! Why is Barack Obama doing this to us? [SERIOUSLY THERE ARE THREE EXTREME-WEATHER WARNINGS]

ALSO, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE: A massive American spy satellite filled with poison has lost control and will smash into Earth next month. “The satellite, which no longer can be controlled, could contain hazardous materials, and it is unknown where on the planet it might come down.” So it really doesn’t matter who wins Super Duper Tuesday [MSNBC}

All that hard work, all those years of shaking hands and smiling and writing a picture book about houses or whatever … for nothing! Handsome boy John Edwards blew it by mentioning Israel in a possibly not-100% flattering light at a Hollywood talent agency meet & greet last month. Peter Bart mentioned the incident in a January 19 column on Variety.com, but it took the brave Israel defenders at National Review Online to blog it up today.

Say good-bye to Johny Edwards, after the jump.

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In a rare, harmonic convergence of things that relate to health care and things that are actually funny, reader DO writes in to direct me to Bush’s most recent, totally lucid, absolutely-not-off-the-wagon-at-all, explanation of his Medicare plan:

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: ‘I don’t really understand. How is it the new plan going to fix the problem?’ MORE »