Apparently Arkansas Senate candidate Kim Hendren is unaware that the Federal Election Commission has strict rules about slave auctions (candidates may sell no more than four and three-fifths slaves per month). Luckily there are many sneaky euphemisms for that kind of thing in Arkansas! [The Hill]

A massive Battle for the Ages is quickly developing in the Arkansas democratic primary for Senate, where Serious Centrist Blanche Lincoln now has a legitimate primary challenger in Lt. Gov. Bill Halter. Halter is getting billions, if not millions, from the so-called Internet communists The Netroots, who hate ladies. MORE »

Check out this crusty old bit of sex-on-wheels, sent from a Wonkette Arkansas operative: “Here is a photo, from today, of Arkansas State Senator Kim Hendren’s car parked in his reserved slot at the state capitol. He is the front runner in the Republican primary to challenge Blanche Lincoln. He’s the one who called Chuck Schumer ‘that Jew.’” Just blast a lil’ Whitesnake and throw on a tattered jean jacket, and Hendren’s set himself up for a steamy night of trailer trash tail (including Blanche Lincoln.)

Woo-hoo, the Seattle police just cold gunned down a black guy! But not just a regular standing-around black guy, an actual alleged cop killer who is likely the guy — eh, he can’t sue now, right? — okay, the actual cop-killing sonofabitch, totally dead, “shot and killed in South Seattle early this morning by a Seattle police officer making a routine check of a stolen car.” Yes! This is basically what every policeman is thinking during every traffic stop, so it’s a good thing this one worked out. Also, Mike Huckabee, when are you going to denounce yourself? MORE »

The last time an Arkansas Republican candidate for Senate made the news, it was for sneeringly referring to Senator Chuck Schumer as a dangerous Jew. But this new guy, he says “I don’t want to do a Kim Hendren,” referring to Kim Hendren, the wingnut Senate hopeful who made the Schumer-Jew remark. And that’s why this new character, Conrad Reynolds, tells the Arkansas Democrat Gazette he needs to be super careful with his answers! These days, it seems like even a harmless watermelon joke will make the headlines! MORE »

Arkansas state Sen. Kim Hendren (Wingnut) wants to be a real-life senator in Washington, so he described Chuck Schumer to some local wingnut group as “that Jew.” But he didn’t mean anything by it! Schumer’s a Jew, after all. Just making note of the facts! “I ought not to have referred to it at all,” Hendren told the AP. “When I referred to him as Jewish, it wasn’t because I don’t like Jewish people. I shouldn’t have gotten into this Jewish business because it distracts from the issue.” Well said! [New York Daily News]

It seems that racists still haven’t gotten over Barack Obama’s election victory, alas. For example: Arkansas. The Arkansas House Committee on State Agencies and Governmental Affairs rejected a standard symbolic resolution congratulating Barack Obama on his historic victory this morning, 11-6, after a couple of Republicans took issue with language describing “the United States as a nation founded by slaveowners.” Oh my god. MORE »

Oh lord, what is happening here? Is the Elephant Man in the flower-print pillow-case mask the “grocery cart”? Which one’s Susan and which one’s Gabriela? Oh Arkansas, WTF? Ha ha, it is just a misplaced caption! This is really just a harmless photo from the terrorism in Mumbai! Thanks, “Xavier O,” for the tip. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

Mike Huckabee was just another fat wingnut Southern emperor until, however many years ago, he realized that he was going to die from the Fat Cancer. He freaked and lost an actual 4,500 pounds and wrote a book about how he became un-fat. It was a success because, for some reason, illiterate people will buy books about such mysterious weight-loss techniques as diet and exercise. This gave him an “in” to run for president; he did better than expected but still lost to Walnuts. But… but now he has another book coming out! It’s about how terrible the Republican party is — you know, his frighteningly unpopular political party! He whines about everyone but throws in a few good words for Cher. MORE »

Mike Huckabee was one of the best failed presidential candidates in the world: from his kinky public sex hijinks with his frightening wife, to his comical insistence on staying in the primary race because he went to the College of God instead of the College of Maths, and also that time he fucked a squirrel on Arkansas public television. What wonderful things will he say tonight, at the Republican National Convention, in order to make John McCain regret not picking the other pleasant wingnut Christian governor from a state of tattooed alcoholic rednecks? MORE »

• TERRIBLE SHOOTINGS AND DEATH EVERYWHERE: Arkansas Democratic Party chair Bill Gwatney was shot yesterday by some crazo who burst into his office in Little Rock. Four hours later Gwatney died. The gunman, Timothy Dale Johnson, was killed by the police. [Los Angeles Times]

Arkansas, our greatest state, has produced our nation’s favorite fat politicians (Mike Huckabee and Bill Clinton) while not really being part of Western Civilization. Proof? Mayor James Valley, “of Helena-West Helena,” just shut down his town’s animal shelter and set all the dogs loose in St. Francis National Forest. MORE »

A woman who works in a restaurant at the Little Rock airport said she was fired after she held up a Hillary Clinton sign in view of John McCain’s landing plane. Micah Qualls says former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee saw her holding up the sign in the parking lot and complained to her boss, who promptly canned her. But Mike Huckabee and her boss say no such thing happened, and this is all a terrible misunderstanding! So who’s lying — the sassy lassie who starred in a local theater production of “Anything Goes,” or the devout governor whose covenant wedding Qualls protested three years ago? MORE »