BREAKING: JOHN McCAIN ACTUALLY WON ARIZONA: Considering how all the Arizona Republicans hate his shamnesty guts, it’s kind of a big deal that Walnuts won his “home” “state.” At least he did really badly, as far as winning. He only got a third of the “conservative” vote, while Mitt took 47%.

So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let’s see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his “beard.” It’s Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota … so many states, so much election projection business! MORE »

GOD, QUIT STALKING HIM: Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano, who Insiders say is a big deal lady politician, has endorsed Kenyan candidate Barack Obama. This endorsement is subject to change when Hillary Clinton starts crying again, since women are always getting emotional and shit. [The Trail]

Tucson, Arizona news station KOLD has received an FBI alert warning Southern Arizona of an invasion by Iraqis. Shit! I thought Bush said we fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them here? This policy somehow doesn’t add up! MORE »

Aliens were big enough of an issue at the Democratic debate two weeks ago that Tim Russert decided to end the night with a discussion of them. But even if you laughed at Dennis Kucinich and Bill Richardson discussing their UFO sightings in their attempts to make themselves even less unelectable, they’ve now got more political verification — this time, from ex-Arizona Governor Fife Symington (”Fife,” yes), who claimed he saw a UFO in 1997. Arizona is like the rich man’s New Mexico, so if you didn’t believe Bill Richardson, you better start paying attention now. MORE »

“Owner of nudist resort named to Arizona GOP finance committee” [Phoenix Business Journal]

John WALNUTS! McCain isn’t just going to lose the GOP nomination, he’s going to lose his Senate seat, too!

The Arizona senator will lose to popular Democrat Governor Janet Napolitano, according to the Arizona Republic. This will happen in 2010, so you can put this in Microsoft Outlook or whatever and not really think about it, ever again.

Napolitano popularity soars in poll [AZ Central]

* White House souvenirs excommunicated from the monetary system on Bush’s order. [The Swamp]
* Anyone can be president in America, except Jesus-hating queers. [Freakonomics]
* And, uh, Jesus-loving queer-haters. [Fresh Intelligence]
* U.S. Embassy in Baghdad totally built with slave labor. [IraqSlogger]
* Bookies think Thompson takes the nomination. [On Call]
* Arizona Republicans face crisis of whether to endorse shooting or hanging of Mexicans. [Hot Air]
* Or forcing them to invade and destroy Mexico to prove their loyalty. [IMAO]

Guess what, everybody? Arizona Governor Fife Symington actually saw the gargantuan mystery aircraft that literally filled the skies over Phoenix a decade ago — but instead of admitting this at the time, he held a comedy press conference where one of his aides dressed as a space monster and was hauled off by the police. Symington says he lied to keep people from panicking. Hooray for protecting our innocence or whatever! MORE »

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The noxious J.D. Hayworth — Republican, Arizona-American, More Jewish Than Jews — has finally conceded to Harry Mitchell, who’s already in town for Orientation Week. MORE »