Tag Archives: arizona

  This Sucks AND Blows

ShootyLand Management Says Uzi Release Forms Blown Away Like Uzi Instructor, Only By Wind

Here’s one for your “I Totally Believe That” file. You know the rent-an-automatic-weapon amusement park in Arizona where that 9-year-old girl was allowed to fire an Uzi submachine gun, killing the “instructor” when the fully automatic weapon’s recoil kicked its muzzle toward his head? Turns out that Bullets and Burgers, which has a strict policy of not letting anyone under the age of eight fire automatic weapons, is doing a bang-up job of cooperatin’ with the authorities investigating the shooting. They’ve talked to Mohave County Sherriff’s deputies and provided them with all sorts of useful documentation, except maybe they can’t find the release forms that the girl’s parents signed because the papers were “blown away by the wind.” Yr Dok Zoom went to high school in that part of Arizona and knows for a fact that the winds there can be pretty strong, especially if you’ve got sensitive paperwork that just might accidentally blow away. Happens all the time in those desert winds. Here, courtesy of Talking Points Memo, are the exciting documents from the actual investigation. Or attempted investigation, whatevs: Read more on ShootyLand Management Says Uzi Release Forms Blown Away Like Uzi Instructor, Only By Wind…
  In Case You Missed it

Your Wonkette Week In Review: Everything You Should Have Read While You Were ‘Working’

Also, there are some kickass coupons for Sofas & Quills
We realize that some of you don’t spend every moment of every day clicking on our little mommyblog (what is WRONG with you?). So in our continuous quest to be Moar Servicey, we bring you this weekly roundup our very best pieces, as determined by the number of times they were shared on the FacesBook. And Crom knows that popularity is exactly the same as quality, or haven’t you been paying attention since junior high school? Remember, to get your favorite ranty pieces into next week’s roundup, clicky on that “share” button. Let’s see our top ten for the week. Oh yes, let’s! Read more on Your Wonkette Week In Review: Everything You Should Have Read While You Were ‘Working’…
  We love this guy and you will too

BRB Throwing All The Money At Awesome AZ Congressional Candidate James Woods

We need this guy in Congress
Are you ready to fall in love? Get yourselves good and ready, because we’d like to introduce you to your new favorite congressional candidate crush, James Woods. No, not the jerkface actor. This James Woods, the genuinely progressive Democrat who is running for Arizona’s 5th Congressional District: Read more on BRB Throwing All The Money At Awesome AZ Congressional Candidate James Woods…
  From China With Love

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets

CRUSH
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (seen here crushing the testicles of an invisible immigrant) allegedly, we said allegedly, failed to report an alleged Chinese spy who infiltrated the Arizona Counter Terrorism [sic; seriously, Arizona, buy an AP style book] Information Center. That’s according to ProPublica and the Center for Investigative Reporting, but we heard about this through The Verge, so they get the linky. Grab a fresh cup of coffee, because this story gets deep in a hurry. Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets…
  Be Afraid. Be More Afraid.

Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados

The documentary that changed Tobin's life
Arizona’s primary election is next Tuesday, and the final days of the campaign are bringing out the crazy. Like the early days did, for that matter. And stepping up to the challenge in the District 1 Republican congressional primary is Andy Tobin, the speaker of the state House, who worries that migrant children are carrying Ebola across the border to liquefy our internal organs, just like in that one movie. Read more on Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados…
  An Advocate For Penile Reform

Arizona Congressional Candidate Gets Endorsement From Visibly Aroused Horse

He's got the swooning zoophile vote sewn up
In a midterm election that’s featured Joni Ernst winning the Iowa Senate primary based on her professed expertise at castrating pigs and Thad Cochran reminiscing about his boyhood adventures in molesting animals, it’s probably no surprise that Arizona teabagger Gary Kiehne recently mailed out a campaign flyer with a very happy stallion in the background, much to the delight of the goofballs on Reddit, because duh, horse cock. Read more on Arizona Congressional Candidate Gets Endorsement From Visibly Aroused Horse…
  clipbait

John Oliver, Sarah Silverman Have Some Words For Payday Lenders. They Are Probably Bad Words, No?

Succinct as ever
John Oliver took on the obviously hilarious topic of payday lending on Sunday’s Last Week Tonight, and once again proved that it’s possible to do some really smart advocacy journalism in a comedy format and make it work — almost as if he thinks that comedy can do more than just give us a cheap laugh or something. And with payday loan outlets more plentiful than either Starbucks or McDonalds, it’s probably worth looking at — especially since payday loans are the financial equivalent of fast food, except you only pay for your McAnusBurger once or twice. Read more on John Oliver, Sarah Silverman Have Some Words For Payday Lenders. They Are Probably Bad Words, No?…
  arizona have another look at the world

Guess What? That Botched Arizona Execution From Last Month Was Way More Botched Than You Already Thought!

Remember, oh faithful Wonkers, about 10 days ago when we had our last horrifically botched execution in these here United States, a thing that is happening so often we are running out of synonyms for “horrifically botched”? Lest you have already forgotten, that was the one where Joseph Wood lay gasping for air and snorting for so very long that his lawyers actually had time to file a request to stop the execution after it had been going on for an hour already. Lest you also too forgot, that is the one where the spokesflack for the Arizona Attorney General’s office was like “naw, he’s just sleeping. That’s how they sleep in Arizona” and no one knew whether to cry or laugh at the fact that someone would say something so awful and tone deaf? Oh, NOW you remember. THAT horrifically botched execution. Tough to keep track, we know. Read more on Guess What? That Botched Arizona Execution From Last Month Was Way More Botched Than You Already Thought!…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!

The right to bare legs is much more fun
Good golly, there’s a whole lot of shootin’ going on! America’s Responsible Gun Owners have been keeping the peace all on their lonesome, some with deadlier results than others. Let’s dig through the shell casings and see what’s out there! Read more on Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!…
  Unskewed Stripper Polls

Arizona Strip Club Throws Its Pasties Behind Progressive Pastor For Congress

Naked political ambition
In a story that has a hint of Carl Hiaasen’s Strip Tease to it — the novel, not the Demi Moore movie, for godssake — a Phoenix strip club has endorsed the candidacy of Rev. Jarrett Maupin in the state’s Democratic primary. Maupin is one of four Democrats hoping to win the nomination to replace retiring Rep. Ed Pastor in District 7. That would have been five, but the Tea Party loon who changed his name to “Cesar Chavez” got thrown off the ballot for having a bunch of invalid signatures on his nominating petitions. Arizona, man. So the race is down one fake Democrat, and up an endorsement from “The Great Alaskan Bush Company,” which we swear is not taken from a Hiaasen novel. Read more on Arizona Strip Club Throws Its Pasties Behind Progressive Pastor For Congress…
  dial t for torture

John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever

Hey look! ‘Grumpy dickwad’ John McCain took a break and decided to let ‘maverick-y sane-sounding’ John McCain come out and talk. And he said some things about that botched execution in Arizona, including telling Politico that it was “torture.” Does this mean that Gov. Brewer will get an extended vacation to Gitmo? Hot damn, we actually agree with the senior, very very senior Senator from Arizona! Something something doddering blind squirrel finds a walnut. Let’s sexplore!  Read more on John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever…
  Prove Them Wrong Libruls

Arizona Spokeschick Promises Botched Execution Was Really Kittens’ Whiskers And Unicorn Farts

A hydropmorphone lullaby
Polish up your resumes, Wonketeers, because it looks like the great state of Arizona will soon be in the market for a new press flack! After the AP and the Washington Post reported that the botched execution of convicted murderer Joseph R. Wood III was punctuated by nearly two hours of snorting and gasping, the Arizona Attorney General’s office felt it needed to set the record straight. State officials disputed these accounts, contending that Wood was never in pain and that he was only snoring. “I’m telling you he was snoring,” Stephanie Grisham, spokeswoman for the Arizona attorney general’s office, said in an e-mail to The Washington Post. “There was no gasping or snorting. Nothing. He looked like he was asleep. This was my first execution and I have no reason to minimize this.” It was her first execution, you guys, so why would anyone question her expertise? Read more on Arizona Spokeschick Promises Botched Execution Was Really Kittens’ Whiskers And Unicorn Farts…
  is strong like bull

Shirtless Sweaty Man Will Be Arizona’s Governor For Sure

Frank Riggs, one of several candidates for governor in Arizona’s Republican primary, is trying something unusual for a Republican campaign ad: He’s not shooting anything. But he includes a gun show anyway, explaining, as he pumps iron, that he’s a strong candidate. Oh, we get it — “strong” can mean both in good physical condition, and politically resolute! That is quite clever and everyone should give this clever shirtless man money. Read more on Shirtless Sweaty Man Will Be Arizona’s Governor For Sure…
  it's no fun to stay at the ymca

Hero Wannabe Congresscritter Will Secure The Border Against The Scourge Of Children Going To Summer Camp

Between the ongoing child immigrant crisis at the border  and the fact that all House of Representatives seats are up for grabs, our cup of derp really does runneth over so hard. There are the incoherently angry poor spellers. There is Breitbart’s House For The Endlessly Petulant mistaking a soccer jersey for an evil Muslim prayer rug. All those idiots should stand aside, though, because GOP state legislator and Arizona congressional candidate Adam Kwasman is here to put them all to shame with his touching concern for the busload of terrified migrant children he saw, a concern made all the more touching by the fact that what he saw was actually a bus full of good old ‘Merican kids on their way to YMCA summer camp. Read more on Hero Wannabe Congresscritter Will Secure The Border Against The Scourge Of Children Going To Summer Camp…
  it's not the heat it's the stupidity

Arizona Charter School History Book: Slavery Was Awesome!

An Arizona charter school is being criticized for using textbooks that “actively promote religious interpretations of American history.” The main texts for U.S. History classes at Heritage Academy in Mesa are two books by Glenn Beck’s spiritual predecessor, Cleon Skousen, a rabid anticommunist and pal (but not member) of the John Birch Society. The books, The 5,000 Year Leap and The Making of America, are required reading, and explain such obvious facts as the Divine inspiration of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, and the benevolence of slavery as an institution. Because of all that Godstuff, Americans United for Separation of Church and State argues that the books are not legal for use in a state-funded charter school, which seems to ignore the documented fact that the Constitution itself was ordained by God, which those liberals would know if they just read the books, sheesh. Read more on Arizona Charter School History Book: Slavery Was Awesome!…
  hair of the blog

Arizona Schools Chief Apologizes, Has A Good Cry, Will Never Surrender, Won’t Stop Believin’

Arizona Superintendent of Public Instruction John Huppenthal held a news conference Thursday where he apologized — an actual “I’m sorry” apology, not a “sorry you were offended” apology — and “renounced and repudiated” his anonymously posted comments on political blogs, saying that the comments had been hurtful and that the revelation that he’d written them had damaged the state Department of Education. Oh, and while he is really sorry about all the racisming and hammering on the dirty poors, he’s also not going to step down, because something something honor, something something duty to the children. And then he broke into tears —  Glenn Beck would envy that weeping — and was escorted gently away from the podium by an aide. That’s shows how much He Cares. Read more on Arizona Schools Chief Apologizes, Has A Good Cry, Will Never Surrender, Won’t Stop Believin’…
  the white man's derpin'

Arizona Schools Chief Only Hates Your Bad Spanishes, Not Your Good Assimilated Spanishes

Hey, remember John Huppenthal, Arizona’s state schools superintendent, who trolled a bunch of blogs from his work computer, mostly talking about what a great job John Huppenthal was doing as state schools superintendent, but also explaining that the poor are “lazy pigs” and Margaret Sanger did the Holocaust? Turns out that more of his commenting history is being uncovered, like the time he explained that controlling immigration needs to be done, but that we also need to make sure that those dumb immigrants straighten up and fly right, in English. Read more on Arizona Schools Chief Only Hates Your Bad Spanishes, Not Your Good Assimilated Spanishes…
  ghost writers in the sky

Hero Arizona State Senator Schedules Public Meeting On Chemtrails, Completely Ignoring Chupacabra Threat

When he was a pimply high school freshman, Yr. Doktor Zoom resided for a while in Lake Havasu City, that blighted hellscape where the London Bridge ended up as a tourist attraction. This was in the mid-1970s, before the place became a Spring Break Drunkenness destination for a few MTV-driven years. And one thing that he noticed back then was that at just about any time of the day, he could look up and see an airliner contrail stretching across the sky, since the city is smack dab under the route jets fly from Los Angeles to Eastern destinations. Strangely, it never once occurred to the 14-year-old Zoom, while hiding from the 110 degree heat, reading Frank Herbert’s Dune and drinking instant iced tea (Herbert’s spice will always smell like powdered Lipton’s with lemon), to assume that those transcontinental flights were actually spraying dangerous chemicals that were modifying the weather, controlling our minds, and sapping and impurifying our precious bodily fluids. Apparently, that is a concern for a sizeable number of Lake Havasu City residents, and they have prevailed on state Sen. Kelli Ward to hold a public meeting this Wednesday to address their concerns about a thing that does not actually exist: Chemtrails. Ward hopes that a bit of information from the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality (ADEQ) will help answer their very serious concerns, which suggests that she really has very little experience with chemtrails people. We wish her luck! Read more on Hero Arizona State Senator Schedules Public Meeting On Chemtrails, Completely Ignoring Chupacabra Threat…
  get a brain moran

Arizona Schools Chief Super Busy Penning Anonymous Blog Comments About Poor People, Lazy Pigs (Same Thing)

Well here’s a variation on a theme: A Republican official has been caught posting rude crap to the internet, but for a change, it’s not pictures of watermelons in front of the White House. Which is a step up, maybe, except that it turns out that the official, Arizona state schools Superintendent John Huppenthal, has been leaving a whole bunch of anonymous wingnut comments on blogs; and lots of them have been about what a great job Arizona state schools Superintendent John Huppenthal has been doing. Oh, and also stuff about how people on welfare are “lazy pigs,” Franklin Roosevelt caused the Great Depression and helped bring Hitler to power, and Margaret Sanger personally aborted 16 million black babies. Among other things. And yes, of course, he posted a lot of those comments from his work computer, because obviously slagging on welfare moms is part of the mission of the Arizona Superintendent of Public Instruction. Can’t have effective schools if Poors are buying crab legs on the public dime, right? Read more on Arizona Schools Chief Super Busy Penning Anonymous Blog Comments About Poor People, Lazy Pigs (Same Thing)…
  has gila bend frozen over?

With No Reelection Worries, Jan Brewer May Be Going Full Goldwater

Folks, we have been pretty impressed with Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who has been acting uncharacteristically sanelike lately. Maybe she was actually sane all along, and then she drank some Tea Party Wacky Juice? In any case, she keeps doing reasonable stuff, like vetoing that horrible Please Discriminate Against Gays bill back in February, and recognizing that it would be a real stretch of the state constitution to try to seek another term. And now, she’s actually sounding a bit like late-career Barry Goldwater, who famously said he didn’t care whether people were gay, and told the Moral Majority it could go get stuffed, and all sorts of fun stuff, because goddammit, there’s getting reelected and there’s being right. And so, in an interview with the Arizona Capitol Times Tuesday, Brewer said that it might darn well be time to think about extending Arizona’s civil rights protections to everybody, even, yes, gay people. Read more on With No Reelection Worries, Jan Brewer May Be Going Full Goldwater… Read more on With No Reelection Worries, Jan Brewer May Be Going Full Goldwater…
  fringe candidate watch 2014

Idiot Republican Changes Name, Seems Pretty Sure Latino Voters Don’t Know Cesar Chavez Is Dead

Let’s say you’re a complete unknown in Arizona who failed to win as a write-in Tea Party candidate for Congress in 2012, and then lost a campaign for Phoenix City Council in 2013. Maybe you’d have better luck with some name recognition? So former nobody Scott Fistler legally changed his name to “Cesar Chavez” and is now running as a Democrat to replace retiring congressman Ed Pastor. Can’t possibly go wrong, because your Latino voters are going to see the name of the famous guy on there and figure that after dying in 1993, the activist and civil rights leader has rested up and deserves a seat in Congress. We do have to at least agree that this much of Fistler/Chavez’s story sounds plausible: Fistler’s name change petition, filed last November, said plaintively, “I have experienced many hardships because of my name[.]” No doubt. Read more on Idiot Republican Changes Name, Seems Pretty Sure Latino Voters Don’t Know Cesar Chavez Is Dead…
  not intended to be a factual statement

Arizona Wingnut Knows Democrats Do All The Mass Shootings, It’s Just Science

Let us all give a giant Wonkette welcome to Gary Kiehne, a candidate for the Republican nomination for Congress in Arizona’s First District. Kiehne is a rancher and hotel owner running on a platform of having more guns and ammo than any of the other candidates in the race so…profit? Also during a Republican debate on Saturday, he said that when it comes to mass shootings, If you look at all the fiascos that have occurred, 99 percent of them have been by Democrats pulling their guns out and shooting people. So I don’t think you have a problem with the Republicans. Actually if you look at which party advances the propaganda that the boy tyrant Barack Hussein Obama has secret plans to forcibly take away all your guns, which in turn makes some gun owners so paranoid and irrational they become completely unhinged if anyone suggests even the mildest of gun control laws, we’re going to say we very much have a problem with Republicans. Read more on Arizona Wingnut Knows Democrats Do All The Mass Shootings, It’s Just Science…