Angry old idiot John “Walnuts!” McCain is probably going to lose his beloved Senate seat this year and then be forced to actually live in Arizona, which he hates, so he’s even more desperate and crazy than usual. What kind of maverick-y bullshit stunt can he pull to remind Arizona voters just how shamelessly he’ll beg for re-election? He’s bringing the Snowbilly to the desert! MORE »

A certain nude senator from the state of Taxachusetts wowed the Tea Party Nation with his non-Martha-Coakleyness, which was enough to get him elected, but ever since then he has been SELLING OUT. Exhibit A: his outrageous vote for the jobs bill, which might someday result in actual employment for the lamers who currently spend their days angrily Tweeting about what a SELLOUT he is. Exhibit B: his support for a so-called Republican senator from Arizona, who is the widely acknowledged King of RINOS. MORE »

Did you like voting for Vice President Dan Quayle the two times that you did that? Do you stare longingly at your framed, gold-bordered “QUAYLE ‘00″ sign, one of only four such signs that wasn’t trashed and buried, in shame, by mid-1999? Do you masturbate to freaking Dan Quayle? Well guess what, now he’s got some son or another out in Arizona who’s running for wacky old John Shadegg’s seat: “[Ben] Quayle, a lawyer and principal at a local venture capital firm, has lived in the Phoenix area for about four years.” Hey, that’s five more years than John McCain had when his second wife’s father rented him that Arizona congressional seat he owned. Ben Quayle is the new John McCain! All hail Ben Quayle! Son of… (who was it again?)… son of Dan Quayle! [Ben Smith]

BELOVED ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN RETIRING: Arizona Congressman John Shadegg, one of the House’s top super-crazies, will not seek re-election for his stupid seat. This brings the total number of Republican retirements in Congress to 14, which you may not have known, since all the news tells us is that every Democrat is retiring because they have fucked things up so badly. [WP/The Fix]

Yikes! How dare he overlay this lovely Legend of Zelda soundtrack with such vile language. RIDICULOUSLY UNAFFORDABLE IDEAS. Ha, if WALNUTS! here ever brings back “th-th-that’s not ch-change we can b-b-b-believe in,” then… well then that would just be funny. [YouTube]

John McCain, remember this guy? He was the frightening old monster who spent last fall occasionally peeping out from behind Sarah Palin’s skirts as she spent $150,000 on Nieman Marcus red patent leather hot pants for her six-year-old and warned America about terrorist pals. John McCain wanted to be president because he crashed his plane a bunch of times back in the sixties, but he did not get elected, so now he has to settle for staying a senator from Arizona forever. MORE »

That guy who brought one measly handgun (on his thigh!) to Obama’s rally in New Hampshire last week? He was a pussy. This fellow this morning brought a pistol and an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle to Obama’s town hall in Arizona this morning. He “was walking around the pro-health care reform rally at 3rd and Washington streets.” 100% legal, times a million, to boot. Next week some slob will bring a Panzer tank to one of these things, “just in case” he has to protect his rights. [Arizona Republic via Gawker]

Much like the earlier generations of unemployed bloggers, Meghan McCain is just so deep in the Internet right now that she’s going double insane. Behold her nervous, illiterate twitters about somebody she doesn’t know who may or may not exist, on the Internet, and perhaps at minimum exists on the other side of the country, typing some sadsack stuff about wanting to die. Teen-agers are hyper-emotional, Meghan, sort of like you, except you haven’t been a teen-ager since your dad almost joined John Kerry’s presidential ticket. MORE »

OBAMA BEGINS COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS TOUR 2009: First stop, Arizona State, where his lack of a “body of work” prevented his receiving an honorary degree: “I have to tell you, I really thought it was much ado about nothing, but I think we all learned an important lesson. I learned to never again pick another team over the Sun Devils in my NCAA bracket. It won’t happen again. And President Crow and the Board of Regents will soon learn all about being audited by the IRS.” We cannot WAIT for the abortion jokes when he gets to Notre Dame. [Washington Post]

Look at this guy, in the photo! WHAT DOES HE DO FOR A LIVING. Does he bowl for a living? Was he an extra in the 1963 part of Goodfellas? Maybe. His name is Brett Mecum and he sells hot cum on the Internet. No, just kidding. Just kidding about his last name. He’s really the executive director of the Arizona Republican Party, and he was arrested in his office yesterday for driving his car super fast. MORE »

The catastrophic news of the day is much like the catastrophic news of the past 18 months or so: OH JESUS, HOUSES, WHAT TO DO? Since the mid 1970s, the answer for many Chicago people has been “Move to some gruesome stucco tract house in a brand-new subdivision about an hour from downtown Phoenix.” So that’s what Barack Obama is doing today: Moving to Phoenix! MORE »

Finally, a stimulus bill we can believe in: Cable-teevee company Comcast will pay TEN DOLLARS to each Tucson subscriber who maybe saw a few seconds of sexytime hardcore XXX pr0nography just when something important was happening in the Super Bowl game. If you saw some terrible naked man-lady fuckin’ when you expected to see good old-fashioned obese helmeted men slapping each others’ asses before actually killing each other, for America, Comcast says “sorry” and $10 will soon be in the mail, maybe. [Multichannel]

Oh noes certain homes in the Tucson area saw 30 seconds of pornography instead of the Super Bowl as the game reached its exciting conclusion last night! With only three minutes left in play, viewers were shocked to see not football but instead a lady unzipping some guy’s pants, and then “he did his little dance with everything hanging out,” said one stunned resident. It looks like an adult cable channel crossed with the NBC feed into certain analog TV sets. This is a strong argument against converting to digital cable. Why does Joe the Plumber want to keep hard-working Americans from viewing occasional free porn? [Arizona Daily Star]