OBAMA BEGINS COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS TOUR 2009: First stop, Arizona State, where his lack of a “body of work” prevented his receiving an honorary degree: “I have to tell you, I really thought it was much ado about nothing, but I think we all learned an important lesson. I learned to never again pick another team over the Sun Devils in my NCAA bracket. It won’t happen again. And President Crow and the Board of Regents will soon learn all about being audited by the IRS.” We cannot WAIT for the abortion jokes when he gets to Notre Dame. [Washington Post]

Look at this guy, in the photo! WHAT DOES HE DO FOR A LIVING. Does he bowl for a living? Was he an extra in the 1963 part of Goodfellas? Maybe. His name is Brett Mecum and he sells hot cum on the Internet. No, just kidding. Just kidding about his last name. He’s really the executive director of the Arizona Republican Party, and he was arrested in his office yesterday for driving his car super fast. MORE »

The catastrophic news of the day is much like the catastrophic news of the past 18 months or so: OH JESUS, HOUSES, WHAT TO DO? Since the mid 1970s, the answer for many Chicago people has been “Move to some gruesome stucco tract house in a brand-new subdivision about an hour from downtown Phoenix.” So that’s what Barack Obama is doing today: Moving to Phoenix! MORE »

Finally, a stimulus bill we can believe in: Cable-teevee company Comcast will pay TEN DOLLARS to each Tucson subscriber who maybe saw a few seconds of sexytime hardcore XXX pr0nography just when something important was happening in the Super Bowl game. If you saw some terrible naked man-lady fuckin’ when you expected to see good old-fashioned obese helmeted men slapping each others’ asses before actually killing each other, for America, Comcast says “sorry” and $10 will soon be in the mail, maybe. [Multichannel]

Oh noes certain homes in the Tucson area saw 30 seconds of pornography instead of the Super Bowl as the game reached its exciting conclusion last night! With only three minutes left in play, viewers were shocked to see not football but instead a lady unzipping some guy’s pants, and then “he did his little dance with everything hanging out,” said one stunned resident. It looks like an adult cable channel crossed with the NBC feed into certain analog TV sets. This is a strong argument against converting to digital cable. Why does Joe the Plumber want to keep hard-working Americans from viewing occasional free porn? [Arizona Daily Star]

NAPOLITANO TO RUN HOMELAND SECURITY: Barack Obama has asked the Arizona governor Janet Napolitano to run the useless, bloated Department of Homeland Security. She was frequently mentioned on Obama’s short list of possible vice presidents, but presumably that would have been just too many vowels on the ticket, so she gets this instead: figuring out how to keep an influx of Canadian terror-squads from invading Minnesota. [Politico]

Pampered, carpetbagging playboy John McCain’s “home” state of Arizona has gone dangerously pink in the last few days, and the Obama campaign is so awash in cash that they decided enh, what the hell, why not throw up some ads on the teevees in John McCain’s seventeen Phoenix mansion condos. So Obama will be airing some POSITIVE commercials there, to be classy. [First Read]

We checked in on Arizona last week and found “favorite (carpetbagger) son” John McCain was not exactly killing in his alleged home state. In fact, his double-digit lead was down to about a half-dozen points, and we gleefully imagined a scenario in which Walnuts lost Arizona. It would be fantastically humiliating for McCain and Republicans everywhere. And now, it is very close to being reality! MORE »

John McCain won’t speak at his “Victory Party” on Election Night, the AP just reported. Instead, he’ll “deliver postelection remarks to a small group of reporters and guests on the hotel’s lawn.” Really? This is what your campaign announces 10 days before the election? That you’re such a furious loser that you’ve decided, in advance, to not address your supporters at your Election Night party? MORE »

Remember how much everybody hated Al Gore for not winning his home state of Tennessee back in 2000? How awesome would it be if John McCain lost his “home” state of Arizona? It’s not impossible! First of all, McCain’s biggest enemies are people who know him, and the Arizona political establishment knows him well. There is little enthusiasm for McCain back “home” because he’s always been seen as a carpetbagging opportunist who wound up in Phoenix because it had some things he wanted at the time: a new, very wealthy wife, and an easy Republican House seat he could win. MORE »

Do you have time to read a 45-page-long first-person alt-weekly newsfeature about John McCain’s long life of being a political crook in Arizona and how everyone there fears and hates him? Of course not! Lucky for you, Wonkette has a team of offshore article readers, in Bangalore, who go through this stuff and whittle it down to a simple Top Ten list. You are welcome for this Service Journalism. MORE »