Tag Archives: arizona

  so you say there's a race of men in the trees

Arizona Governor Demands Emergency Ban On Nonexistent Baby-Parts Flea Markets

Seems like Courtney Love should be mentioned here for some reason
Ever vigilant in its quest to at least try to keep up with Texas and Florida in the endless “Dumbest Laws Ever” competition, Arizona is planning to ban the sale of fetal tissue, which is already illegal, but now will become super-duper-extra-illegal thanks to that dumb bullshit “undercover video” of a Planned Parenthood lady selling aborted babby parts, except for how it shows no such thing. Still, Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey was super upset about all the abortions-for-hire that are taking place in the fevered imaginations of his anti-choice constituency, so he’s going to make sure that Arizona puts a stop to this horror that isn’t actually occurring. No word yet on whether Ducey also plans to ban women from picking men up in bars, slipping something into their drinks, then leaving them to wake up in a hotel bathtub full of ice, with both their kidneys stolen!!! Read more on Arizona Governor Demands Emergency Ban On Nonexistent Baby-Parts Flea Markets…
  'Heartbreaking' Is Bad Now?

Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?

Four people were murdered, and another three injured, at two military sites in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on Thursday, by a man identified by the FBI as Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez. The FBI cautioned that “it would be premature to speculate on the motives of the shooter at this time,” but come ON, just look at that name, would ya? What more do you need to know? Read more on Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?…
  Just Say Neigh

Man Nabbed In Horsef*cking Sting, Not Even From Florida

Ick yuck eww gross no.
You may want to have some brain bleach on hand for this one. A gentleman from Pennsylvania flew to Arizona for the specific purpose of doing sex to a horse (variously described as a “pony” or a “miniature horse”; we’re guessing the latter, but who knows?), only to find that the whole affair was a sting by the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, which sort of makes you wonder just what the fuck Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s priorities are. Isn’t he supposed to be pursuing the universe-shattering proof that Barack Obama’s an illegal alien? Even so, far be it from Wonkette to pass up any story that involves the irresistible elements of “Joe Arpaio” and “horsefucking.” We’ve covered both in the past, but this is the first known time the streams have crossed, which could, in itself, be universe-shattering. Read more on Man Nabbed In Horsef*cking Sting, Not Even From Florida…
  Also water is wet

Surprise! Basically All Women Who Have Abortions Just Fine With That, Actually

But what about the men?
Image via shortformblog Look what we have here. It’s some actual science about abortions! We know how actual science can be hard for boy brains to comprehend, so we’ll try to speak slowly, with itty bitty Jeb Bush-sized words, so you fellas can keep up. Read more on Surprise! Basically All Women Who Have Abortions Just Fine With That, Actually…
  Wonkette movie review

A Story About Mexican Drug Violence Donald Trump Is Too Weak To Tell

Donald Trump has become persona non grata among decent people these days, because he said Mexican immigrants are “bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists.” Sure, he allowed that some Mexicans are just the sweetest, except for the rape. Thursday, former Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer affirmed that she thinks Trump is completely right, that illegal immigration is out of control, and that the desert in Arizona is literally impassable these days, due to all the headless corpses. However, underneath xenophobic, racist, hateful, broad-brushing, nativist remarks like these, is there a grain of truth? Is there a story to be told here? Did you idiots even watch “Breaking Bad”? Read more on A Story About Mexican Drug Violence Donald Trump Is Too Weak To Tell…
  Kafka's Editors Found This 'Too Implausible'

Minuteman Border Militia Creep Maybe Molested Little Girls? Oh Yay It Gets Worse

Speaking of fools for clients...
We sure do like the Constitution a lot, even the parts that apply to Very Bad People — count us with the knee-jerk liberals who think that even terror suspects deserve their Miranda rights and their day in court, not indefinite detention. But Jebus H. Chrysler on a nuclear pogo stick, the judge’s application of the 6th Amendment in an Arizona child molestation case sure stinks: the defendant, who’s representing himself, may be allowed to cross-examine the little girls, aged 7 and 8, whom he’s accused of molesting. Read more on Minuteman Border Militia Creep Maybe Molested Little Girls? Oh Yay It Gets Worse…
  No Worries; He's Only Racist Against Mexicans

Joe Arpaio Happy To Guard Black Churches, Whether They Want Him Or Not

Totally an act of kindness, not publicity seeking
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, never one to let a good tragedy go to waste, stepped up in front of cameras this weekend and vowed to send armed patrols to guard black churches, although a number of Phoenix-area ministers protested the offer of “help” from a man who’s being prosecuted for contempt of court in a racial profiling case. Read more on Joe Arpaio Happy To Guard Black Churches, Whether They Want Him Or Not…
  Also Needs Advice On Avoiding Publicity

Arizona’s ‘F*ck Islam’ Hero Selling Motorcycle To Buy More Guns, Obviously

Poor bastard can't even afford a shirt
Show some respect for Jon Ritzheimer, the professional victim who organized the Great Big Scream At A Mosque Rally in Phoenix, proudly posed in his “Fuck Islam” t-shirt, claimed he has been targeted for death by radical Muslims, and whined — in the very same Facebook post — that “Not one news out let will interview me” but also “I just want me and my family to disappear” from public view. So of course, he’s in public view again. He’s selling his motorcycle so he can afford the necessities of life. Not food or rent, silly; he needs to buy more guns, because his life is still in great danger! Read more on Arizona’s ‘F*ck Islam’ Hero Selling Motorcycle To Buy More Guns, Obviously…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten

Tryin' hard to come up with some more easy questions.
HEY WONKETARIAT, we hope this weekly Top Ten post finds you rested and not too hungover. It’s time for us to look at all the stories that made you laugh and cry and whatever other emotions you feel in response to Wonkette posts, you’re very unpredictable. Guess what? That Duggar story is still going on, but we are happy to report that only HALF of the top ten posts this week are Duggar-related. Read more on Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten…
  Send Lawyers Guns And Money. Mostly Money

Arizona Muslim-Hater Needs $10 Million To Save His Family, Mean GoFundMe Won’t Let Him Have It

Poor bastard can't even afford a shirt
Great American Patriot Jon Ritzheimer has had a wonderful and terrible week. He’s the nice fellow with the “Fuck Islam!” t-shirt who organized that big “Free Speech (and Hate Islam) Rally” at the Islamic Community Center of Phoenix last Friday, where armed idiots showed up to exercise their sacred right to be dicks, and to prove that Islam is very scary. Happily, the rally came off without anyone getting shot, thanks to a huge police presence. Oh, but Mr. Ritzheimer is now in fear for his life, because some idiots on Twitter threatened him, and now he needs to go into hiding to save his family, so would you all please donate to his GoFundMe? He figures $10 million should be enough to tide him over. Read more on Arizona Muslim-Hater Needs $10 Million To Save His Family, Mean GoFundMe Won’t Let Him Have It…
  Not so excellent news for him though

Excellent News! John McCain Might Get His Butt Kicked, By A Girl

Not a good day to be John McCain
The crusty old crankypants senior senator from Arizona — who will never give up! never surrender! never stop being SO GODDAMNED BITTER about that time he didn’t get to be president, and then that other time he didn’t get to be president — has a problem, and that problem is that nobody likes him at all. (Except for his bastard son Sen. Lindsey Graham, but he doesn’t count, because no one likes him either.) But for reals, pretty much everyone hates John McCain. Democrats, obviously, but even in McCain’s blood red home state, he is WAY unpopular, as a recent poll shows: 71 percent of “very conservative” conservatives think he is sucking at his job like a porn star, but not in a good way. So it’s EXCELLENT NEWS for people who are not John McCain that Democratic Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick has announced she will save you, Arizona, from another six years of John McCain sucking on your behalf: Read more on Excellent News! John McCain Might Get His Butt Kicked, By A Girl…
  That'll teach you to be poor

It’s Arizona’s Turn To F*ck The Poors, Again

Jesus was a fiscal conservative
Arizona is all out of money, whoops, so the Republicans who control the state have decided, in their fiscally conservative wisdom, to close the $1 billion budget gap by cutting welfare that the federal government pays for. Good plan, guaranteed to work, no? Read more on It’s Arizona’s Turn To F*ck The Poors, Again…
  None Dare Call It Stupid

Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler

In a better, stronger America, this sticker would be larger. Damn you, John McCain!
Hey, what are those charming Oath Keepers up to this week, as part of their Keeping of Oaths? How about the anti-government militia group’s founder, Stewart Rhodes, calling for Sen. John McCain to be tried for treason for his many crimey crimes and then “hung by the neck until dead,” maybe? Or in Militia-land, just another day of protecting America from its own elected government. Read more on Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler…
  Believe It Or Nuts

Atheist Lady Sued For Calling Fraud Faith Healer A Fraud

I *am too* a credible healing practitioner!
So there’s this guy in Bisbee, Arizona, named Adam Miller, who had himself a near-death experience in 1977 and believes it imbued him with the power to heal people — tens of thousands of them, in fact! An atheist video blogger, Stephanie Guttormson, was a tad skeptical about some of Miller’s claims, so in December of 2014, she posted a YouTube video mocking Miller’s claims and pointing out that faith healing isn’t actual doctorin’. After hearing back from several of his clients who were outraged that anyone would criticize the man who made them all better, Miller sued Guttormson, claiming copyright infringement and defamation. So far, the chief effect seems to have been that Guttormson’s video has gone viral, and thousands more people now share her opinion that Miller is a fraud. Read more on Atheist Lady Sued For Calling Fraud Faith Healer A Fraud…
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification plot — popularly known as chemtrails — that is poisoning us from the skies! Read more on Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t…