Wonkette

Do you have time to read a 45-page-long first-person alt-weekly newsfeature about John McCain’s long life of being a political crook in Arizona and how everyone there fears and hates him? Of course not! Lucky for you, Wonkette has a team of offshore article readers, in Bangalore, who go through this stuff and whittle it down to a simple Top Ten list. You are welcome for this Service Journalism. MORE »

• WOMAN, YOU ARE TOO RICH TO ACTUALLY EXIST: In case you haven’t heard about this yet, here’s what Cindy McCain said on CNN yesterday: “In Arizona, the only way to get around the state is by small private plane.” Uh, uh… and Michelle Obama drives a hybrid that doesn’t love its country! *RUNS TO PRIVATE PLANE* [Huffington Post]

As long as you’re on John McCain’s side — you know, as long as you’re either a journalist or a lobbyist — the old man will charm you with stories of his dirty deeds, and he’ll crudely insult the president’s daughter, and eat your donuts. But for the people who actually have to work with the elderly opportunist in, say, the Senate, John McCain is a furious stupid monster. Let’s review the latest “McCain’s a dangerous old psychopath” story, from Sunday’s Washington Post. MORE »

An Arizona legislature panel has endorsed a proposal to bar “any teachings considered counter to democracy or Western civilization” from the state’s public schools. “Muslims,” you’re thinking. “They don’t want Muslim teachings.” That would be horrible but at least predictable. But the measure would also “prohibit students of the state’s universities and community colleges from forming groups based in whole or part on the race of their members, such as the Black Business Students Association at Arizona State University or Native Americans United at Northern Arizona University.” What a magnificent piece of legislation from John McCain’s state! MORE »

Everyone knows that John McCain is a sociopath and a monster who calls his wife terrible things and survives on the fresh livers of babies. But did you know that he also once engaged in fisticuffs with an Arizona Congressman who has now been indicted for various boring corruption-related things? Well he did! And this was just two years ago, so McCain can’t say it was his youthful McNasty temper acting up. MORE »

Here is John McCain, dressed in a Budweiser-NASCAR costume, with his $100-million-dollar wife, who owns Budweiser, and NASCAR hero and Iraq War promoter Dale Earnhardt (Junior), the president of the Confederacy. MORE »

Since George W. Bush and the Congress never agreed on a plan to Keep The Mexicans Out, desperate alien colonies in the Southwest are resorting to time-tested strategies to save their jobs. Aside from shooting all Illegals in the face, the city of Yuma, Arizona is considering refilling and expanding the Colorado River to build a medieval-style moat. It may keep out the dragons, disgruntled Celts and other Saxon hordes. But can it stop the Mexicans? MORE »

Here is the background of JohnMcCain.com, announcing he has won the Republican nomination. Is his Old Disease acting up again? He doesn’t have to lie to constituents about living in Arizona anymore. (Not that he ever remembered.) [JohnMcCain.com]

While other Republican candidates for president were off wife-roping and campaigning this weekend, John McCain retired to a secluded ranch in Sedona Arizona and gathered near his most cherished press contacts so that they could finally be alone together and talk about where their relationship was going. He forbade political conversation on this somber and sacred weekend, preferring instead to focus on important things such as “dry rubs.” MORE »

This handy table gives the basic info for Arizona judicial selection. Arizona, of course, is the make-believe state that corrupt presidential candidate John McCain, 71, represents in Congress. But how can WALNUTS! be president, or senator, or really anything important, when he’s legally too old to serve on Arizona’s supreme court? That is a far less important position than president of bombs, which he is actively seeking. Arizona law realizes that John McCain’s senility will soon give way to death. Why can’t McCain supporters? [Arizona Judicial Selection]

BREAKING: JOHN McCAIN ACTUALLY WON ARIZONA: Considering how all the Arizona Republicans hate his shamnesty guts, it’s kind of a big deal that Walnuts won his “home” “state.” At least he did really badly, as far as winning. He only got a third of the “conservative” vote, while Mitt took 47%.

So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let’s see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his “beard.” It’s Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota … so many states, so much election projection business! MORE »

GOD, QUIT STALKING HIM: Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano, who Insiders say is a big deal lady politician, has endorsed Kenyan candidate Barack Obama. This endorsement is subject to change when Hillary Clinton starts crying again, since women are always getting emotional and shit. [The Trail]

Tucson, Arizona news station KOLD has received an FBI alert warning Southern Arizona of an invasion by Iraqis. Shit! I thought Bush said we fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them here? This policy somehow doesn’t add up! MORE »