• After starting a rumor that Senator Robert Byrd had passed away, Caroline Kennedy did her civic duty and volunteered herself as the third senator from New York. [RedState]
• Guano faucet Ari Fleischer doesn’t want to take all the credit for exporting freedom to Iran, but hey, modesty is its own reward. [Think Progress]
• Every day Henry Paulson asks Jesus to heal his inner hurt, because Henry is a Christian Scientist and isn’t allowed to seek proper medical treatment for all the hilarious shit Matt Taibbi writes about him. [Matt Taibbi]
• Lots of ungrateful single working mothers are whining about how they receive a $25 golden parachute from the government every week, because now that the bailout has made them all filthy rich, they no longer qualify for $300 in food stamps every month. When AIG received their weekly $25 bailout, you didn’t hear them complaining about how they no longer qualified for government spa treatments or partridge hunts at Mr. Darcy’s country estate in Derbyshire! [HuffPost]
• When Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sees a black person on the street he says, “Oh wow you have a nice tan.” And when he stumbles upon a woman with a very large belly he inquires, “Are you fat or just pregnant?” Silvio’s Hot Cop-Humpin’ Summer Comedy Tour begins today, here in Washington. [Swampland]

SEE WHAT EVERYONE’S SAYING ABOUT SCOTT MCCLELLAN’S NEW #1 BOOK, GEORGE BUSH JR. MADE VAGUE ERRORS!

“I would think if he harbored such deep feelings about things he wouldn’t have and shouldn’t have accepted the press secretary job in the first place.” — ARI FLEISCHER, bald press secretary before Scott McClellan.
“Total crap.” — DAN BARTLETT, former White House communications director.
“Left-wing logger.” — KARL ROVE, White House turd blossom.
“I totally agree.” — NANCY PELOSI, known Liberal.
“Why don’t you learn something about the monument.” — HILLARY CLINTON, civil rights leader.

WHAT A BOOK! (Now let us never speak of it again.)

The more we learn about the Libby jury, the more we hope we’re never tried by a jury of his peers. From the post-it notes asking “what are the charges again?” to their stupid Valentine’s Day shirts (the one lady with enough sense to avoid that awkward mess was kicked off the jury), it’s been apparent for weeks that Scooter Libby’s fate would be decided by a white-collar DC Apple Dumpling Gang.

Trying to convince us of the jury’s intelligence, Eric Lipton at the Times instead leaves us more confident than before of their idiocy. Relevant quotes and comments, after the jump.

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Walter Pincus revealed today at the Scooter Libby trial that Mr. Ari Fleischer, the slimiest former administration official of all, leaked Pincus the Valerie Plame story, not Scooter. MORE »

* EPA and OSHA now dummy fronts for White House policies. [NYT]
* John Kerry and Christopher Dodd have a fire in the belly from the death of the only American soldier in Iraq that was willing to talk to them. [WP]
* President Bush: “I’m not that good at pronouncing words.” [WP]
* Ari Fleischer reminds us how much we miss him, gives testimony that conflicts with Scooter’s sworn statement. [NYT, LAT]
* Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the bizarro world Bush. [WSJ]
* Ben Bernanke’s all up in your city, not doing shit. [NYT]
* Swiss cheese border with Mexico won’t become muenster anytime soon. [LAT]

* Matt Damon wants to do things to Dick Cheney that Jason Bourne hasn’t even heard of. News Busters]
* James Baker grabs ass and ankles for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hilarious historically poignant metaphor ensues. [YouTube]
* Macaca: man of the year. [Salon]
* Soldiers choose John Kerry’s wind-bagging over peeling potatoes, learn hard lesson about regret. [Blackfive]
* Iraq:Afghanistan::War on Christmas:War on Hanukkah. [Radosh]
* Ari Fleischer wants to be a congressman. [Political Wire]
* Damn the man! Save the interwebz! [YouTube]

It’s a very gay week in Wonk’d. Cher was at the Capitol, Andre Leon Talley was shopping for make-up in Dupont, and Jenna Bush was enjoying some musical theater. Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd gets man-handled at a Hill bar, and Wolf Blitzer is dropping some pounds and dressing sassy. Some bold-facers defy stereotypes though, like Wizards player Donell Taylor, shopping sans entourage, and Mark Shields, driving the way liberal pundits shouldn’t. At least you can always count on Wonk’d — and Katherine Harris’s taste in outfits.

Sooner or later everyone comes to Washington. When they do, it’s your duty as citizens of this fair city to make sure they get spotted and end up in these pages, er, screens. Whatever; just email us, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line, and the name of the sightee. You, the sighter, will remain anonymous — at least until your big break, when people start sending in sightings of you!

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This week’s pre-Memorial Day edition of Wonk’d has everyone’s favorite White House golden boy, Karl Rove, and original press nightmare, Ari Fleischer, in good seats watching the Nationals. Some of the senior citizens in our government, like Antonin Scalia and Donald Rumsfeld, must think baseball is for kids — they only go to fancy parties. Maybe when Scooter Libby and Matt Cooper learn to dress properly, they’ll get invited out too. If he needs to get somewhere, Matt will probably be on Metro, along with his buddy Andy Card, as opposed to being chauffeured everywhere like carbon-hoarding Barack Obama. It’s three whole days before any more Wonk’d, so get everything you can now, after the jump!

So many games, festivals, and parties in Washington these days, and the in-crowd can’t stay away. If you see one of them, let us know by email, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line, along with the powerbroker’s (or shill’s, or actor’s, of foreign head-of-state’s) name. You send ‘em, we print ‘em - everybody wins!

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This week DC was packed with has-beens and also-rans, still probably looking better than everyone else. Chuck Norris enjoyed a steak, but wasn’t on a stake-out. Bo Derek has traded in the couture for the sale down the street. Madeleine Albright has a book to hawk (but she’s a dove), Ari Fleischer thinks his Blackberry has too many buttons, and Grover Norquist wants everyone to know how his name is spelled. Plus your latest installment of “Where is George Stephanopoulos This Week?,” and a raft of reality TV stars must have washed up on the banks of the Potomac. Test your memory after the jump!

The month of May has come, when every lusty heart beginneth to blossom, and to bring forth fruit! Readers, bring forth fruit in the form of sightings, then send the juicy tidbits to us via email, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line (along with the name of your heart’s desire!). Flourish in tipstery deeds! Gracious thanks!

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* Rove testifies for several hours in the CIA leak case; testimony “focused almost exclusively on his conversation about Plame with Time magazine reporter Matthew Cooper in 2003 and whether the top aide later tried to conceal it.” [WP, NYT, W$J]
* Tony Snow could be “the first outsider to become part of Bush’s revamped inner circle”; aides admit there is “broad agreement that the first-term strategy of largely ignoring the mainstream Washington media was a mistake.” Dan Bartlett: “There is a lot of value added in Tony coming on board and helping us internally with his own views and ideas.” [WP, NYT, USAT, WT]
* New spending bill brings cost of the war in Iraq to $320B; total cost of Afghanistan and Iraq missions will exceed the price of the Vietnam War. [WP]
* Approval of Congress in NBC/WSJ poll has dropped 11 points in the past month; respondents are increasingly pessimistic about the direction of the nation and the economy. 77% are “uneasy about the economy” and 44% are tired of partisan fighting. Pollster: “You have never seen such a sour mood in the country. It is sour, sour, sour.” [MSNBC, W$J]
* Senate report concludes FEMA should be abolished because problems are “too substantial to mend.” [WP, NYT, USAT]
* Rumsfeld, Rice visit Baghdad after prodding from Bush; “they were embracing perhaps the last chance the Bush administration had to turn around public opinion at home and to ensure that Iraq has a viable political future.” [WP, NYT, W$J]

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* Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will cost $94B in 2006, up from $48B in 2003, and higher than comparable costs of the Vietnam War; Senate will debate another round of emergency spending next week. [WP]
* Bolten “hopes to demonstrate to the public and the Republican-led Congress that it will no longer be business as usual in a White House afflicted by political defeats, an overseas war and shrinking public support”; Tony Snow and Dan Senor top the list of likely successors to McClellan. [WP, USAT, W$J]
* Bolten faces the challenge of finding “ways to open up the Oval Office to new ideas and to the opinions of people who are not longtime Bush confidants.” [WP]
* Rove will focus on November’s midterm elections: “The president and the new chief of staff said they wanted me focused on the big strategic issues facing the administration.” [NYT]
* Bush will urge Chinese President Hu Jintao to “take a more aggressive stance against governments that U.S. officials believe could potentially threaten U.S. interests and, more broadly, the international system.” [WP, W$J]

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