Tag Archives: apologies

  blitzer's big break

Wolf Blitzer Will Put All Of You In, Uhh, All Of You In Timeout

Welcome to the Situation Room on uh CN, CNN. Here we have Hilary, Hilary Rose Clinton, no, that’s uhhh, that’s Hilary Rosen, the Obama administration’s president, according the latest, information. Miss Hilary will you, you said last night on CNN’s Best Political… it was the best political team on television, on CNN where you were. You, Miss Clinton Rose, you said that Ann Romney — and Ann Romney, this is a wonderful woman, the wife of Mitt Clinton, her name again is Ann Romney — that uhh, that, she has never worked a day in her life, this is what you said. I want you to look into this camera, this CNN camera, from Washington, and I want you to apologize to Ann Romney, a lovely uhh, lady, with horses, this is what she rides. Read more on Wolf Blitzer Will Put All Of You In, Uhh, All Of You In Timeout…
  the numbers do lie

Bristol Palin Wants Apology Phone Call From President Obama, NOW

Bristol Palin said a very important thing on the Internet, that you should know about. Basically, she heard this Obama guy is handing out apologies to ladies of ill-repute who get blasted by media fart hoses like Rush Limbaugh. Read more on Bristol Palin Wants Apology Phone Call From President Obama, NOW…
  seuss abuse

Lawmaking Fool Apologizes for ‘Mrs. YoMama’ E-Mail

Kansas House Speaker Mike O’Neal took his time quasipologizing for it, but the Republican has finally admitted wrongdoing in forwarding a warm holiday message comparing Michelle Obama to the Grinch by making use of some unfortunate Wind Event that befell Michelle’s hair on some tarmac somewhere. O’Neal apparently “didn’t read” (because he can’t?) the text of the message, which called the First Lady “Mrs. YoMama.” Read more on Lawmaking Fool Apologizes for ‘Mrs. YoMama’ E-Mail…
  dept. of religious studies

Herman Cain Is Now Every Muslim Person’s Best Friend

These are strange times, so it is not too surprising that Herman “Let’s Just Ban All the Mosques” Cain is now just a few Pillars of Islam away from becoming the East Coast’s hottest new imam. Just last week, Herman Cain was very serious about that part in the First Amendment that says mosques are not allowed, because of Freedom, so why is he all of a sudden going on tours and having “quiet meetings” with people inside actual mosques? Is Herman Cain the latest victim in the grand Muslim conspiracy? There is really no other reason why the people of the fancy-shmancy “ADAMS Center” would want to spend time explaining their religion to Herman Cain, so probably! Read more on Herman Cain Is Now Every Muslim Person’s Best Friend…
  dick trickle

Olbermann Was Suspended For Not Apologizing For Being Olbermann

Keith Olbermann is just the sort of guy who would break a network rule against making campaign contributions, and he’s also the sort of guy who would refuse to go on air to apologize to his viewers for such a thing, and apparently this is why his primetime MSNBC show is now an hour-long presentation of Al Roker bloopers hosted by the “dun-dun” sound effect from Law and Order. There still hasn’t been word from the network on when, or if, Olbermann’s suspension will expire, but there is a serious lesson here people like Olbermann have to learn: Only giant corporations like General Electric are allowed to influence elections with campaign contributions, not their employees. Read more on Olbermann Was Suspended For Not Apologizing For Being Olbermann…
  self-esteem

Rand Paul Stomper Wants an Apology From Lady He Stomped, Of Course

Ex Rand Paul Bourbon County coordinator Tim Profitt sort of apologized yesterday IF “it appeared overly forceful” when he stomped on that annoying MoveOn woman in the wig. But of course, as we all know, when you stomp on a person’s head, it should really be that person apologizing to you. “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said. Yes, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim! Perhaps you can tell us if your mother used to stomp on your head? Or maybe a titillated thoroughbred? “She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, did he also date-rape this girl? Oh, by the way, he has a very good reason why he had to get this girl on the ground to assault her. Read more on Rand Paul Stomper Wants an Apology From Lady He Stomped, Of Course…
  he's kosher

Rick Sanchez Releases Statement, Thanks CNN Jew Overlords

Professional idiot Rick Sanchez has finally released a statement about those things he said about the Jews last week on a satellite radio show, and it turns out he is a bit sorry for saying those things that got him fired! “Despite what my tired and mangled words may have implied, they were never intended to suggest any sort of narrow-mindedness and should never have been made,” Sanchez said. Well, yes, nothing Rick Sanchez says is supposed to suggest narrow-mindedness or that he’s anything but a genius journalist, but somehow that doesn’t always seem to work out for him. Read more on Rick Sanchez Releases Statement, Thanks CNN Jew Overlords…
  yep still here

Charlie Rangel Informs House He Is Going To Hang Around, In Long Speech About Himself

Charlie Rangel delivered a rambling speech for more than 30 minutes on the House floor today, and it turns out he doesn’t like ethics violations, or being forced out because of them. “Somebody has to do more than wish I go away,” he said. Mostly, he just wants somebody to do something, because constantly denying things and having to defend himself is wearing on the old man. “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want to die before the hearing,” he said. Charlie Rangel will not leave voluntarily, so please either kick him out or let him stay. But you will not, so he had to eat his entire bow-tie collection last night. Read more on Charlie Rangel Informs House He Is Going To Hang Around, In Long Speech About Himself…
  umm so the weather is nice yeah

President Obama Finally Calls Shirley Sherrod

“You know, I was reading my newspaper this morning, and it seems Tom Vilsack did something really unfortunate to you, ma’am.” Yes, President Obama has finally called Shirley Sherrod. This may seem like a token expression of common decency after what his administration caused her. But for a long time it didn’t seem he could do this little thing, as it would somehow “connect” him to this whole controversy, his advisors thought. (Guess what? Barry was already connected anyway! And then he just looked like a jerk and even more cowardly for being afraid of his phone.) So what did they talk about? Read more on President Obama Finally Calls Shirley Sherrod…
  are you serious? are you serious?

OH HO HO! “The Special Olympics is disputing the White House claim that its chairman, Tim Shriver, accepted Rahm Emanuel’s apology for calling liberals ‘retarded.’ … ‘Tim can’t do that. He can’t accept an apology on behalf of all people with disabilities.'” Rahm, in response, SWEARS TO FUCKING SHIT that he is THIS FUCKING CLOSE. He is THIS FUCKING CLOSE to KILLING EVERYONE. [Ben Smith]
  will definitely make the late-career "best of" DVD

Alan Grayson’s “K Street Whore” Apology Is So Much Funnier Than The Actual Insult

Yesterday the websites were very upset with Alan Grayson for calling some some Bernanke staffer a “K Street Whore.” Because yeah yeah, he’s a loose cannon and it’s like soo crazy or whatever, but “whore”? Well apparently it’s a term that’s often “correctly” viewed as offensive to women, he… deadpans? “I offer my sincere apology. I did not intend to use a term that is often, and correctly, seen as disrespectful of women.” Read more on Alan Grayson’s “K Street Whore” Apology Is So Much Funnier Than The Actual Insult…
  antiquated slurs

Rep. Jeff Flake Would Like To Redact That Thing About Referring To Himself As A ‘Pansy’

Republican Arizona congressperson Jeff Flake spent the week on a desert island, literally, and someone asked him how this made him feel. Well, truth is, Jeff Flake hasn’t felt like a man since leavin’ the ranch. Nope, it’s impossible to feel like much of a man at all, with this fancy humans-only society-livin’. “I’ve felt like a pansy, I guess, and this made it feel like I was actually doing something again.” Like, he didn’t feel like such a queer again, on account of all the nature and shit. “Congressman Flake didn’t realize that that word can have a negative connotation. He simply meant ‘wimpy.’ He apologizes if anyone took offense to it,” said his spokesperson. Does this look like the face of a pansy to you?? [Ben Smith] Read more on Rep. Jeff Flake Would Like To Redact That Thing About Referring To Himself As A ‘Pansy’…
  apology apologia

Nancy Pelosi Would Like To Drag The Alan Grayson Thing Out For Another Hot Sec, If That’s Cool With You

Nancy Pelosi wakes up every day and picks something to make worse. Today it is the ostentatiously minor “Alan Grayson Affair,” in which Floridian Congressman Alan Grayson went sooo crazy at some Orlando Kinko’s and came back with sassy hyperbolic poster-boards. Anyway, so Nancy Pelosi could have easily been like, “Alan: just mumble some bad-faith apology on Rachel Maddow or whatever and we will reimburse you for the Kinko’s purchases.” It being Nancy Pelosi, she of course did the opposite. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Would Like To Drag The Alan Grayson Thing Out For Another Hot Sec, If That’s Cool With You…
  sic 'em meg

Fairbanks Newspaper In Hot Water With Sarah Palin Over Terrible Pun

The notoriously frivolous Fairbanks Daily News-Miner appears to have been caught Making Fun Of Trig, and the managing editor has written an epic apology: “Today I must apologize to Mrs. Palin personally and on behalf of the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner for the choice of words used on the bottom of Wednesday’s front page regarding her speaking engagement in Hong Kong this week to a group of global investors. We used offensive language — ‘A broad in Asia’ — above a small photograph of the former governor to direct readers inside the newspaper to a full story of her Hong Kong appearance.” Read more on Fairbanks Newspaper In Hot Water With Sarah Palin Over Terrible Pun…
  redstate.com in the news

Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter Writes Douchey Racist Thing On Twitter

Will someone throw some work at George W. Bush’s gang of ex-speechwriters? Recall “Matt Latimer,” an actual alien who wrote an essay for GQ magazine after stumbling across an encyclopedia of all known cliches that he found lodged under some forgotten moon rock on Mars. This latest one, “Josh Trevino,” is not as bad—because he’s not A. Matt Latimer or B. Hitler or his outer space equivalent, Space Hitler—but he’s a pretty horrific man. The evidence is two-fold: 1. This Josh Trevino co-founded pay-as-you go pornography search engine RedState.com. 2a. This is arguably not the most offensive thing Trevino has ever done. Read more on Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter Writes Douchey Racist Thing On Twitter…
  the boundaries of solipsism

Mark Sanford Cannot Talk About Joe Wilson (Or Anything??) Without Actually Talking About Mark Sanford

Mark Sanford has been thinking awhile about this whole Joe Wilson thing, which really, if you think about it, makes sense to think about in terms of Sanford’s extramarital affair. (Lows by any other name!) Here is Sanford, giving some interview in South Carolina and just owning sixth grade’s most savvy rhetorical move: “The guy apologized, and then you can have a bunch of other people come back and say, ‘We want you to apologize again and again and again.'” Sympathy by the transitive property! There’s more: Read more on Mark Sanford Cannot Talk About Joe Wilson (Or Anything??) Without Actually Talking About Mark Sanford…
  rumors on the internets

“Back Me Up On This, Twitterball, HEHNGNN?”

John McCain is still tilting towards earmark windmills, and shaking and asking his magic Twitter, rhetorically?, if, um, hellooo? it’s ever heard of another type of Internet called the Wikipedia and if so, why should the government endow public arts programs? [Hotline On Call] Read more on “Back Me Up On This, Twitterball, HEHNGNN?”…
  internecine warfare

Rush Limbaugh Has Balls Of Steele

A ha ha ha, we had to do a Google search to make sure nobody had put that crack in a headline yet. So anyway yes, Michael Steele spoke ill of Rush Limbaugh on late-night television, and then Rush Limbaugh said mean things about Michael Steele on the radio, and then Steele had to apologize because Rush Limbaugh makes a gazillion dollars a year putting cigars in his face and pontificating on the radio whereas Michael Steele is just some loser from Maryland. Read more on Rush Limbaugh Has Balls Of Steele…
  important announcements

BACHMANN TO ADDRESS NATION: Ah, this is a typical thing people do when they are UTTERLY FREAKING OUT about their entire careers: “Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) has taped an advertisement apologizing for her televised comments calling Barack Obama anti-American, according to a Republican source familiar with her campaign’s decision.” It is still staggering that this one dingbat appearance on Hardball finally did the trick, after daily doses of such standard Bachmannia for the last two years. [Politico] Read more on …
  virginia is a microcosm

Luke Russert Apologizes For Saying Smart People Vote For Obama

Ha ha ha Luke Russert, NBC’s Official Young Persons Correspondent, apparently made a terrible slip this morning and said “the smartest kids in the state go [to UVA], so it’s leaning a little bit towards Obama,” which was a terrible insult to all the remedial readers at the University of Virginia who will also vote for Obama. Naturally, an apology was in order. Read more on Luke Russert Apologizes For Saying Smart People Vote For Obama…
  the terrorists & mccain are winning

McCain Strategist Regrets Saying Terrorism Helps McCain

Top McCain strategist Charlie Black — the one who lobbies for Iran — dominated this afternoon’s 2-hour news cycle by saying in an interview with Fortune magazine that if we had a terrorist attack right now, “Certainly it would be a big advantage” for John McCain. This line, of course, meant everyone had to feign shock over an accurate political truth, but voiced thus — that if there were a terrorist attack today, Barack Obama would be behind it, potentially hurting his electoral prospects. Read more on McCain Strategist Regrets Saying Terrorism Helps McCain…
 

McCain’s Beloved Nutball Friend Hagee Apologizes To The Great Whore

In Heaven, a secret cabal meets every Shrove Tuesday to match up nutjob religious leaders with the presidential candidates they will embarrass the most. John McCain’s assigned kook is pastor John Hagee, an Evangelical preacher who loves Jews, the apocalypse, and long walks on the beach, and hates Mondays, broccoli, and Catholics. So it shocked everyone today when he acted like a complete hypocrite by refusing to stand by his crazy remarks about our papist brothers and sisters. Read more on McCain’s Beloved Nutball Friend Hagee Apologizes To The Great Whore…