HELP US DR. SANJAY: “And then, as so many Americans do when they are frightened, I turned to the cable news. And I waited for the comforting words from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.” [AOL Political Machine]

All the world’s great bankers — the Illuminati, Bilderberg Group, Rothchilds and the Trilateral Commission — put on their black robes and met in secret last night, under the Great Pyramids, to try to save their holdings, and maybe help the Global Economy. So all the rich world’s central banks launched a coordinated interest-rate cut this morning. You can probably guess how the markets reacted. MORE »

The Federal Reserve Bank and the U.S. Treasury just launched this great new website where you can force the government to buy your worthless old garbage, too! Somebody wants Paulson to buy this “used douche bag,” which is so gross. Wonkette has submitted a request for $1.4 billion dollars to cover an old HP notebook (no hard drive), some restaurant receipts we forgot to write off last year, a scratched-to-hell copy of “Wowee Zowee” that we already replaced with the box-set version, and five old copies of The Economist we found in the side pocket of an old laptop bag. America is BACK. [Buy My Shitpile, Henry!]

Air Force logs and government radar reports released under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that a massive, terrible mystery aircraft barreled through the skies of Central Texas on January 8 — and it was headed for George W. Bush’s Crawford ranch at 2,100 miles per hour! MORE »