Tag Archives: apocalypse

  but what does debbie harry think?

Reverend Billy Graham, Devil-Expert Charlie Daniels Totally Sure The Rapture-Christ-Pocalypse Is Near, For Real This Time

Aw yeah, it’s that time again folks. The end times, you hear? Time to get right with the Lord and take stock of your personal relationship with Jesus Christ, because the apocalypse trend is back again, hotter than hell-fire. And the fervent calls to immenantize the eschaton are being led this time by what has to be the worst game of fuck-marry-kill-and-kill-again ever – Billy Graham, Benjamin Netanyahu, Michele Bachmann, and Charlie Daniels. In a longer than the Bible two-million word interview with older-than-an-Old-Testament-prophet, and multiple apocalypse predictor Billy Graham, World Net Daily gives some rather surprisingly decent background on and contextualizing of the recurring obsession with all things end of the world, and Billy Graham’s very important part in making it finally happen. In an exclusive email interview with WND, Graham, 94, who is giving what may be his last message to the world as part of the My Hope America with Billy Graham evangelistic outreach in early November, said the world is “coming toward the end of the age.” Haha, this may be his last message, you guys, because Billy Graham is 94 years old, and he must be coming close to the end of something, right? But he’s not dead yet, so in the meantime, he’s got this whole new book and video series to sell, in order to save our souls, and probably pay for whatever blood of virgins Billy Graham bathes in to keep his old ass ambulatory. Read more on Reverend Billy Graham, Devil-Expert Charlie Daniels Totally Sure The Rapture-Christ-Pocalypse Is Near, For Real This Time…
  hindus buddhists and other muslims

What’s Bringing On The Apocalypse This Week? How About Immigration Reform?

Just in case plain old hating Messicans wasn’t enough reason to oppose immigration reform, Texas wingnut extraordinaire Cathie Adams, the former state GOP chair and current president of Texas Schlafly Rangers Eagle Forum, has found a new reason: on something called “End Times Radio” last week, she explained that the Senate’s immigration bill legislates the Mark of the Beast, and will bring about the End Times. Leaving aside the question of why that’s something Christianists want to delay — after all, it will get Jebus back here sooner — it feels like wingnuts are finding impending signs of the Apocalypse about as often as the House votes to kill Obamacare (which may or may not require you to have an RFID chip implanted in your butt, too). Read more on What’s Bringing On The Apocalypse This Week? How About Immigration Reform?…
  but what about chick-fil-a?

Bolivia Expels Coca-Cola Because of the Apocalypse

Sometimes your Wonkette gets so carried away lamenting the ills of American politics that we ignore the bigger picture: The Mayan Apocalypse is coming at the end of the year, and then we won’t have to worry about any of this. Has our government made preparations for the country’s afterlife? It’s time they got a jump on that, like Bolivia has. Bolivia’s foreign minister, Ken Layne David Choquehuanca — he’s all about the Mayan Apocalypse. In his view it won’t be so much an apocalypse-apocalypse, just an apocalypse of U.S. capitalists meddling in their business. And so he’s announced that in the New Times, Bolivians will no longer be allowed to drink Coca-Cola. They will drink this peach thing or another “fizzy” drink instead. Read more on Bolivia Expels Coca-Cola Because of the Apocalypse…
  never forget

California Destroyed By Blustery Day

Back when California used to have the nation’s top public schools (instead of the worst) and biggest state park system (instead of locked-gate meth-lab forests) along with lots of good-paying jobs and an entire population of fit, beautiful, tattoo-free people who spent all their time at the uncrowded beaches talking about philosophy or whatever, the “trade off” was that California also had terrible natural disasters. It was the kind of thing that kept a certain demographic (really scared Indiana people, say) from moving out West. “Sounds great,” they’d say, “but I heard there was an earthquake about 10 years ago that killed twenty people, so I’m staying put, where I’ll probably freeze to death in the outhouse tomorrow and never be found.”) Anyway, now the disasters have moved elsewhere. Oklahoma and Virginia get all the earthquakes now, the wildfires went to Texas, New York City attracts all the hurricanes (and asshole mayors), and Californians are reduced to crying about a windy day. Read more on California Destroyed By Blustery Day…
  emotional weather report

Massive U.S. Power Outages To Get Much Worse, More Frequent

Oh, sad face again: Millions are still without power in the U.S. Northeast, for about the fifth time this year. Whether caused by hurricanes, October blizzards, tornadoes, earthquakes or mysteriously unknown reasons, the East Coast has been slammed by one catastrophic blackout after another. And experts say it’s just going to get worse, everywhere, as the “new abnormal” of constant horrific superstorms and other natural/unnatural disasters wreak havoc on the nation’s worn-out old power grid. Once the declining reserves of foreign oil stop flowing to America — and that can happen immediately with a simple organized shutdown of the major U.S. ports — we might as well walk away from our worthless over-mortgaged houses and just set up a tent in the woods. Not like we’ve got jobs to go to, or money to spend on more worthless plastic bullshit. God, capitalist civilization has turned out to be a massive fraud. Read more on Massive U.S. Power Outages To Get Much Worse, More Frequent…
  occupy OPD

500 Riot Cops Attack #OccupyOakland With Tear Gas, Rubber Bullets

What will it be like when America’s tensed-up trigger-finger cops are finally let loose upon the populist demonstrations all over the country? We got a pretty good preview early this morning in Oakland, where the Darth Vader-masked shock troops were set upon the peaceful protesters in their small, peaceful encampment. According to witnesses calling in to KQED, the time between the frenzied megaphone demands that everyone clear out and the assault of “flash grenades and chemical agents” was a matter of maybe three minutes. In the course of mass uprisings, it is always an important factor whether the working class police and military grunts choose the interests of the community or the interests of those hiding within their mansions on the hill. Read more on 500 Riot Cops Attack #OccupyOakland With Tear Gas, Rubber Bullets…
  fourth horseman

Cops Now Hunting Escaped Zoo Monsters

How are things in the American Heartland this morning? Very terrible, according to this video news report from … a comedy blog? A superhero musical? No, it’s from the Associated Press. Read more on Cops Now Hunting Escaped Zoo Monsters…
  what's your destruction theme song?

Eric Cantor Will Just Say It Already: No Hurricane Relief Without Cuts

Welcome to Hurricane Irene’s “Rapture Part 2!” Haha, does anyone ever get the feeling that the news media is praying for the apocalyptic demise of America’s populous cities harder than Pat Buchanan? We read the news this morning (especially this one, with a message of doom from space) and concluded that we are all going to die this weekend. Nice (?) knowing everybody? Make your preparations! Vacationer-in-chief Barack Obama looked up from his golf game long enough to declare North Carolina a federal disaster area, governors up and down the coasts are also declaring states of emergency, and the mayor of D.C. is handing out, uh, a few sandbags if anyone wants one. Eric Cantor, fresh off his endearing statement that Virginia earthquake damage sufferers can lick his saggy nuts, will make his preparations by saving everyone a few minutes of their last few hours on Earth and tell them right now he won’t support hurricane relief without MOAR BUDGET CUTZ. He’s consistent! Read more on Eric Cantor Will Just Say It Already: No Hurricane Relief Without Cuts…
  the 7.8 is gonna hurt

Earthquake Had So Much Fun In D.C., It Came Back For Another 4.5 Shake

Yet another D.C. earthquake! Again centered in Virginia under Eric Cantor’s nuclear dildo factory or whatever! DISASTER STRIKES AGAIN. We have to go to bed, and do not care about 4.5 aftershocks, but perhaps things are actually far worse, and in that case you must Share Your Stories so we can heal, together. Like this. Read more on Earthquake Had So Much Fun In D.C., It Came Back For Another 4.5 Shake…
  visual storytelling

Symbolic Washington Monument Symbolically ‘Closes Indefinitely’

Just weeks after the American government made its surprise announcement that the Statue of Liberty would be closing for many years, yesterday’s earthquake in Washington D.C. has led to the “indefinite closure” of the iconic Washington Monument. The marble phallus would have to topple over in an aftershock to provide a more fitting visual narrative for the nation’s collapse. Read more on Symbolic Washington Monument Symbolically ‘Closes Indefinitely’…
  trying to get the heaven before they close the door

Liveblogging the Rapture, Countdown To West Coast Apocalypse

Life was kind of fun, here on Earth! Wasn’t it? Not that much? Did we squander a pretty nice setup, here on this planet? Whoops. Oh well, maybe Jesus will forgive us, in space. Let’s liveblog the nationwide roll-out of Death Quakes from California to the East Coast and everywhere in between. Alaska and Hawaii — and, we suppose, “Guam” — are already drowned by now. Oh wait, we’re doing this backwards. It’s 9 o’clock in DC right now! And while Alaska certainly deserves it, there are likely a few innocent people even up there. Maybe. Whoa the ground is feeling all rumbly and the birds have crummies in their tummies right here on the Pacific Coast! Read more on Liveblogging the Rapture, Countdown To West Coast Apocalypse…
  hell on earth

Japan Nuke Nightmare Level Raised To ‘Chernobyl Level’

Japan finally acknowledged the full horrors at its Fukushima Dai-Ichi nuclear power plant and raised the “severity rating” to 7, the highest on the accident scale and equivalent to the Chernobyl disaster in Ukraine a quarter-century ago. Each step up the International Nuclear and Radiological Event Scale represents a tenfold increase in danger, with an accident level of 7 indicative of a “major release of radioactive material with widespread health and environmental effects requiring implementation of planned and extended countermeasures.” Read more on Japan Nuke Nightmare Level Raised To ‘Chernobyl Level’…
  dust bowl blues

Fires Rage & Farms Dry Up Across the Oklahoma-Texas New Dust Bowl

A devilish hoax called Global Warming is wreaking havoc on the un-ironically named “Dust Bowl,” where the worst drought since the 1920s is turning cropfields to scorched earth while savage wildfires turn the remaining forests into, well, scorched trees. The rains never arrived during “rainy season” and now it’s only the second week of Spring and the whole godforsaken place from the Colorado Plateau to the Gulf Coast is dried up or in flames. Says a cold-hearted robot known as the U.S. Drought Monitor: “Many drought indicators in east-central Texas have reached the Exceptional Drought (D4) level, and if rain does not materialize soon, intensification of the current drought is likely.” Get the Model A loaded up and California bound, and tell old Uncle John Joad to load up the shotguns lest the murderous capitalist-swine bankers try to stop us on the way out. Read more on Fires Rage & Farms Dry Up Across the Oklahoma-Texas New Dust Bowl…
  'raw socialism' sounds kind of vegan

Obama Causing the Apocalypse, According To Mike Huckabee’s TeeVee Show

How did we miss this Mike Huckabee/Fox News show on Sunday? Oh yeah, because it was Mike Huckabee’s show on Fox News, on Sunday. Anyway, Blacky McHopesalot is causing the “End Times” and the Apocalypse, just like Jimmy Carter did, three decades ago. [Right Wing Watch] Read more on Obama Causing the Apocalypse, According To Mike Huckabee’s TeeVee Show…
  cormac mccarthy's world of fun

Today’s Major Earthquake Strikes … Indonesia (and America Will Soon Burn)

Do you live on Earth? Then you may soon be the Victim of an Earthquake! Experts say they have never seen so many goddamned earthquakes in what, three months? Does the world hate us? Just for killing all the creatures and building strip malls everywhere and digging up all the mountains to make the components for iPads? Read more on Today’s Major Earthquake Strikes … Indonesia (and America Will Soon Burn)…
  is this tomorrow

Liveblogging Obama’s Secret Sleazy Deal With Communist Russia

Barack Obama and the Russian Bear have cut a secret deal to “reduce nuclear weapons,” which means you better get used to your kids bringing home the “Little Red Book” and worshiping the atheist Satan. Let’s liveblog Nobama’s suspicious plan to take our freedoms and send America down the road to Tyranny by “significantly reducing nuclear missiles and launchers.” Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s Secret Sleazy Deal With Communist Russia…
  our flourishing economy

New Foreclosure Nightmare: California Vineyards

Stucco housing tracts, evil investment banks, ugly big-box retail strips, dumb show-off high-rises, land-raping golf resorts, Hummers — the nation’s financial collapse has taken down so many awful trophies of American Culture, we should probably send it a Thank You note, maybe with a Linens ‘n Things gift card. But who can afford a card, or postage, when we’re all either out of work or making a lot less money or barely hanging on to some diseased sham of a career that probably never should’ve been a career anyway? What is next for this nation’s Shame Parade? Foreclosures of Napa vineyards and wineries, that’s what. Read more on New Foreclosure Nightmare: California Vineyards…
  earth hates humans

Tsunami From Hell: Obama Tells Hawaiians To Run For Their Lives

Unsatisfied with the terrible death and destruction in Chile, the Evil Earthquake is now hoping to wipe out the Hawaiian Islands with a Terrible Tsunami. Alleged Hawaiian Barack Obama just warned his people on the Sandwich Islands that the killer wave spawned by the 8.8 Chilean quake should start bashing the shores in about an hour. Why does Nature hate everybody? Read more on Tsunami From Hell: Obama Tells Hawaiians To Run For Their Lives…
  cartoon violence

THE END IS NIGH!

By the Comics CurmudgeonReaders! Are you aware that each and every one of you are mortal, and will die? I know, pretty depressing, right? Even worse than the dying — which, by all accounts, doesn’t sound like any kind of picnic — is the fact that, by sheer chance of health or age, millions upon millions of unworthy chumps will outlive you! Sure, those jackholes will themselves die, eventually, but don’t you kind of resent them for getting to find out who wins the 2093 World Series or whatever when you won’t? I believe that this sort of resentment is exactly the psychological origin of the notion of the End Times, when not just you but everyone is killed by nuclear fire, or perhaps raptured up into the skies to be Judged by Our Lord. Such an important event has of course been studied in great detail by the most learned theological thinkers of our day (i.e., political cartoonists). Read more on THE END IS NIGH!…
  art history dept.

A Decade of Blingees: 2007-2009

Ken Layne: Hello former colleague, may I briefly interview you in Real Time about the most significant political development of the decade, the Blingee? Alex Pareene: YES of course. KL: Hooray! Okay now I will make up these questions. Umm … let’s see, you first discovered the Blingee, is that right? Read more on A Decade of Blingees: 2007-2009…
  self-storage america

NATION OF CRAP: “The Self Storage Association notes that, with more than seven square feet for every man, woman and child, it’s now ‘physically possible that every American could stand — all at the same time — under the total canopy of self-storage roofing.'” [New York Times] Read more on …
  internet advertising

Get Your Free Gun Before Shit Goes Bananas!

Whoa, Newsmax, what kind of crazy are you sending us on this lazy summer afternoon? WHAT?! Famous millionaire Doctor Pizza is giving away free guns? For the coming race war? Sign us up, for FREE! Seriously go sign up and get these free guns because guess who will get them if you don’t? Read more on Get Your Free Gun Before Shit Goes Bananas!…