Tag Archives: ap

  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
Sports! Oh man, sports, aren’t they great? Shut up, they are too. Here now is your 2014 Wonkette Sportsball Year In Review, because why not? Off-field Hits Plague NFL Sorry to break this to you, Wonketeers, but the NFL remains the most popular form of sportsball in America. It seems we cannot get enough of the big men slamming into each other, and with all of the downtime between plays, who can blame us? This year, however, public perception of the NFL took a serious turn for the worse. The AP named the NFL’s domestic abuse scandals the sports story of the year, and the league’s ham-fisted response to the scandals will be studied by dead-eyed PR majors for generations to come. Read more on Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!…
  Not That Lady Bunny

If This Dog Were Black, The AP Would Say It ‘Looted’ This Wallet

The AP reports — via the Juneau Empire — that Maltese pup “Lady Bunny” “found” a dude’s wallet, which last he saw was right in his pocket. The AP, calling the dog’s deed “great,” does not even question whether Lady Bunny is a fucking pickpocket robber stealer thief — despite ending with the prior bad acts that Lady Bunny regularly perpetrated against her neighbors’ shoes. Read more on If This Dog Were Black, The AP Would Say It ‘Looted’ This Wallet…
  journamalism

AP Retracts Story Claiming Terry McAuliffe Did A Fraud Because He Did Not Do The Fraud

It’s perfectly understandable how someone might see the initials “TM” on a legal document and instantly think “candidate for governor of Virginia and former Clinton jerk Terry McAuliffe!” and then write a widely circulated story about how Terry McAuliffe did all the crimes, ever — that is, if “someone” was in the habit of cashing checks signed by Ghost Andrew Breitbart or some such “person.” However, we did not expect this kind of behavior from the Associated Press. Well! Guess who’s got two thumbs and is naive? Read more on AP Retracts Story Claiming Terry McAuliffe Did A Fraud Because He Did Not Do The Fraud…
  Hillary's Alien Baby Must Be In College By Now

Celebritrash Side-Boob Rag: Obama Worse Than Nixon!

The patriots at Globe Magazine have been warning us from the very start that this Obama was a menace, but did we listen? No, and shame be upon us! Where the hell were we back in February of 2008, when Globe uncovered the “Obama Firestorm” that he was a black Afrobaby and not even an American either? Probably getting our legs thrilled, we are such perverts! And what the hell were we doing a month later, when the bombshell “Obama Bombshell” bombshell revealed that he is a gay sex haver and a doer of crack no better than a common mayor of Toronto? Off at the Church of Satan getting gay married to whatever was handy, no doubt! It went on and on: “OBAMA STABS DYING CLINTON IN THE BACK!” … “OBAMA IN GAY BATHHOUSE BOMBSHELL”” … “Obama Lung Cancer Shocker!” … “Truth About Obama Gay Murder!” … “OBAMA’S $5 MILLION VACATION SCANDAL” … and this is but a Whitman’s Sampler of all the scandals, shockers, back-stabbings, and bombshells that Globe has gamely chronicled since we invited this national nightmare into the White House… yet we fools did nothing, leaving Globe with no choice but to call it: Obama is officially “WORSE THAN NIXON!” so let’s get this impeachment started! Also, did you know that they built a new Watergate, and it exploded!? But what are Sources Saying? Read more on Celebritrash Side-Boob Rag: Obama Worse Than Nixon!… Read more on Celebritrash Side-Boob Rag: Obama Worse Than Nixon!…
  Neocon Math Lesson

Murderous Charlatan Donald Rumsfeld Still Terrible At Math

Here is a link to a video, since CNN’s embed code is totally borked, for anyone who cares what a disgraced and discredited old sociopath thinks about anything. It is your third most favorite unindicted war criminal, Donald Rumsfeld! He was on the teevee with smarmy phone-raper Piers Morgan, saying words about how scandals are bad. You do not have to watch this video because here are the best parts: Read more on Murderous Charlatan Donald Rumsfeld Still Terrible At Math…
  leaks and the leaking leakers who leak them

Alberto Gonzales Offers Totally Hypothetical Example Of How To Investigate, Say, A Leaked CIA Agent’s Name

Well, this is … this is … we don’t even … FUCK! So, there is a bit of kerfuffle and a hullabaloo about the Department of Justice getting a very narrow slice of two months’ worth of phone records from AP while investigating a leak. For context, Fox News has asked for Alberto Gonzales’s thoughts on the matter, as he is something of an expert, having been promoted to Attorney General after he was White House Counsel when Karl Rove’s chief of staff, Scooter Libby, leaked the name of an undercover CIA agent to Robert Novak, god rest his soul in hell. Gonzales’s thoughts on this are … FUCK! Read more on Alberto Gonzales Offers Totally Hypothetical Example Of How To Investigate, Say, A Leaked CIA Agent’s Name…
  and if weapons were chocolate armed forces would hide

Nice Time: Joe Biden Does Thing

Hey friends! Have you been fighting with your fellow commenters, and all your Twitter friends, and every other liberal in the universe over whether ERIC HOLDER NEEDS TO FUCKING GO, or whether if you say the president did a bad thing then you are dumb worse than Mitch McConnell, or whether ERIC HOLDER HAS BEEN A MESS ON TRANSPARENCY FROM THE BEGINNING, or whether saying Eric Holder did a bad thing makes you a naive idiot who is worse than Glenn Greenwald, or whether SERIOUSLY ERIC HOLDER, or whether if Obama does it that makes it perfect and who gets mad over a little bitty subpoena and why do you love people leaking classified information are you for terrorism?, or whether “oh now just because it is happening to journalists now the journalists decide to cover it,” or whether YES THAT’S RIGHT SO? This is called “infighting,” and it is what Democrats used to do, and we all thought we would get to see the Republicans do it this time because it is hilarious how bad Eric Cantor wants to murder John Boehner, but instead John Boehner just went “oh I am no longer a big business country club Republican I will sell out the debt ceiling for two martoonis IMA TEABAGGER NOW SUCKA,” and it is the Democrats who are fighting and we are back to normal. So let’s take a moment to remember what we all agree on: A) WE STILL LOVE OBAMA AND WE CAN SAY HE DID A BAD THING AND STILL LOVE HIM JESUS CHRIST. And B) Let’s all have a warm cup of Joe. He did a thing! Read more on Nice Time: Joe Biden Does Thing…
  spittle flyin'

Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin So Mad About Immigrants For A Change

Anchor baby Michelle Malkin is flabbercensed, y’all, about the Associated Press changing its stylebook to avoid namecalling immigrants who don’t have all their paperwork in one sock put the final nail in the Lamestream Media’s coffin. Not only has the AP decided to stop calling these terrorvaders “illegal immigrants” (because, so mean!), but they’ve also dropped “undocumented immigrant,” which really burns Michelle’s bacon. Read more on Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin So Mad About Immigrants For A Change…
  ordinary citizens such as you

New AP Poll: Americans Are Dumb And Petty, Like Always (And Also Romney Is Winning)

OH CRAP ROMNEY’S AHEAD BY TWO POINTS IN THE LATEST AP POLL AND THE LADIES ALL LOVE HIM NOW TIME TO FREAK OUT??? No, don’t worry, libs, your math and numbers boyfriend Nate Silver still has Barry with a 70% chance of winning (and also offers soothing words about how the media specifically pays attention to outlier polls, which makes for a misleading picture). But! The AP poll does contain some delightful quotes from ordinary Americans and other little details that seem, well, kind of hilarious? Not on purpose? Join us for a children’s treasury, after the jump. Read more on New AP Poll: Americans Are Dumb And Petty, Like Always (And Also Romney Is Winning)…
  slate pitches

AP Swims Against Tide With ‘Good Neighbor’ Angle for George Zimmerman Story

Here is an interesting “nut graf” (JOURNALISM!) in a story from the AP about George Zimmerman, the fellow in Florida whom you may have heard (unless you watch FOX* or read Drudge) is claiming self-defense after shooting an unarmed teenage boy while muttering “fucking coons” under his breath. Now, suddenly, people are wondering if the 28-year-old Zimmerman is an earnest if somewhat zealous young man who was just looking out for his neighborhood, or a wannabe cop who tried to take justice into his own hands. Read more on AP Swims Against Tide With ‘Good Neighbor’ Angle for George Zimmerman Story…
  the continuing crisis

Diplomat In Austria Tells AP Japan Radiation Has Reached California

Here’s the latest episode of the never-ending reality series, Why Nobody Trusts the Government: Everybody on the West Coast is freaking out because the radioactive plume is reaching North America today, from the melting nuclear plants in Japan, and everybody would probably really like some comforting, hourly updates along the lines of “Yep, we’re talking about minuscule, barely detectable levels of radiation that isn’t going to hurt anyone.” Especially after the Obama Administration’s surgeon general said it was a good idea to have Potassium Iodide tablets on hand, and especially with all the “Chernobyl gave thyroid cancer to at least 6,000 kids” historical reports floating around the Internet. Anyway, the radiation detection machinery picked up traces of the Japanese nuke cloud in Sacramento. Read more on Diplomat In Austria Tells AP Japan Radiation Has Reached California…
  america under attack (by rain)

Associated Press Attempts To Bore People To Death With Video of Rain

The journalism industry is having a bit of a hard time these last couple of decades, you may have heard. And the main way the journalism industry has responded to the crisis in the journalism industry is by dramatically lowering the quality of the journalism industry’s primary product, which is journalism. Here, in a brilliant video by some random AP person (probably a stringer?) in the Los Angeles foothills, is perhaps the most damning indictment of the current ridiculous requirement that all random news reporters also shoot some incredibly crappy, boring video to make sure nobody ever wants to look at news again. Read more on Associated Press Attempts To Bore People To Death With Video of Rain…
  future shock

CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose

What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN! Read more on CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose…
  who is contented has wealth

Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene

The latest fundraising figures are in (and by “in,” we mean somebody called Alvin), and it appears a thousand dollars have come to Alvin Greene so far in his lack of a campaign. That’s 1/3500 the amount his opponent Jim DeMint has actively raised, which is an action out of step with The Way. It’s distressing, though, that people have donated any money to Alvin. It won’t hurt him, but those people need to realize one shouldn’t pluck one’s hair out for another. Read more on Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene…
  turtle kid

THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE': Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6

Today the AP has a story about Greene (who, you will remember, is the South Carolina Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate and a practicing Daoist monk) with the BIG REVEAL that he was nicknamed “Turtle” in high school, according to his tennis coach, because yes, Alvin Greene was the only black kid on the high school tennis team. She “barely recalls” Greene (“A leader is best when people barely know that he exists”—Ch. 17, DDJ) and said “he wasn’t outgoing and he was picked on unmercifully.” But as somebody acutely more enlightened than the lesser beings who bullied him, Greene likely couldn’t even sense it. If he could, it probably amused him that such people were so unnerved by a simple lack of chit chat on his part. Read more on THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE': Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6… Read more on THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE': Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6…
  world historic events

BREAKING NEWS: Best Friends Obama and Medvedev Hang Out At The Max

After teasing you with a photo of Obama and a post about Medvedev’s Twitter account, it’s time we finally acknowledge the BIG POLITICS NEWS of the day: President Obama took Russian President Medvedev to Ray’s Hell Burger in Arlington for lunch. You of course remember the top political story of last year, Obama taking Biden to the same place. (Obama must have a punch card for a free burger from there or something). After the jump: HOTT DEETS on what kind of burgers they ordered. You simply must click through! Read more on BREAKING NEWS: Best Friends Obama and Medvedev Hang Out At The Max…
  mean corporates

DOES ANYONE DETECT A TOUCH OF GLOATING IN THIS ASSOCIATED PRESS ARTICLE? “NEW YORK (AP) — A judge has urged that a copyright dispute between an artist and The Associated Press over the Barack Obama ‘HOPE’ image be settled quickly. Federal Judge Alvin Hellerstein said Friday at a hearing in New York that he has a feeling that ‘whether it’s sooner or later, The Associated Press is going to win’ the case. SUCK IT, BITCH.” No just kidding, the AP article did not say “SUCK IT, BITCH.” But they totally thought it and wanted to say it. [AP] Read more on …
  make darrell issa cry

But Could Saint Ronald Reagan Possibly Be As Corrupt As Barack Obama?

Some communist somewhere is circulating this old AP newspaper clipping claiming that the sainted Reagan Administration did that thing that every political leadership has done since the Dawn of Politics, and frankly it’s insulting to the memory of The Gipper to even suggest his White House would’ve offered an ambassadorship or administration job to a Republican facing a tough GOP primary that could divide the base. Seriously, look at this news clipping and ask yourself, “Doesn’t this font look kind of funny?” Read more on But Could Saint Ronald Reagan Possibly Be As Corrupt As Barack Obama?…
  blah blah blah outrage

New Study On Taxes Shows Old Statistic That Will Be Misused Again

Whoa you guys, the AP discovered a COMPLETELY SECRET bit of evidence just before tax day to get you all hot and bothered! About 47% of people will pay no federal income tax this year, because they’re all criminals! More or less like last year and the year before that, but maybe you didn’t know! Why are these poor and middle-class families such cheats who “pay no taxes” while “we” have to make up the rest?? Read more on New Study On Taxes Shows Old Statistic That Will Be Misused Again…
  this crap again

Sarah Palin Just Felt Sorry For Katie Couric, You Guys!

Sick of it yet, or were you sick of it before you even knew Sarah Palin existed? Well, sorry, her book is coming out next week and we will just post one comical, reportedly true excerpt after another, until the whole book has been paraphrased by the liberal media, and denounced by the actual people who were there. Next up: “She writes that she sat down with Katie Couric in part because she felt sorry for her, after Nicolle Wallace, a McCain aide, said Ms. Couric suffered from low self-esteem.” A McCain advisor calls this “ridiculous!” Read more on Sarah Palin Just Felt Sorry For Katie Couric, You Guys!…
  new study proves it

Americans Who’ve Heard of ‘The Fed’ Don’t Like It, Because of … Communists?

Hey, a new survey about things people don’t know: Gallup asked some random selection of Americans who haven’t had their phones shut off to rate nine major federal agencies they may or may not have heard about, on the AM radio. The results are … bad news for, let’s see, Ben Bernanke? Sure! Read more on Americans Who’ve Heard of ‘The Fed’ Don’t Like It, Because of … Communists?…
  republicans in the news

Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?

Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days. Read more on Did You Know *Other* Republican Governors Are Creepy Weirdos, Like Mark Sanford?…