Tag Archives: anus burger

  it's morning in america

Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler’s birthday] Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!… Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!…
  visions of america

575-Pound Arizona Anusburger Mascot Guy Dead At 29

It seems we’re working on an “Arizona Trilogy” today, as part of “Trilogy Week” here at Wonkette. (Yesterday was “Americans Unleash Vile Hate On American Muslims” day. Did you enjoy that?) Anyway, the third of our Arizona Stories today concerns 575-pound Blair River, a shockingly fat person who occasionally worked as the spokesmodel for the “Heart Attack Grill,” an Arizona eatery dedicated to producing the vilest vats of pure grease and fat and sodium available anywhere. Imagine, you are an alleged human and you live in Arizona and you’re surrounded by the Arizona slob architecture of Pizza Hut/Applebee’s/Jack In the Box and you think, “What Arizona needs most is a restaurant that would aggressively serve even more disgusting piles of poisonous shit.” And then you find a morbidly obese person who is literally committing suicide in his 20s, with his insatiable appetite, and you turn him into a video joke/promotion for your restaurant. Anyway, the guy is dead “of pneumonia” at age 29. Congratulations, everyone. Read more on 575-Pound Arizona Anusburger Mascot Guy Dead At 29…
  it's morning in america

Obama’s State of the Union Speech Is/Will Be Bad Because ….

Republican time travelers have a very strong argument against Barack Obama’s state of the union speech — the speech he will give tonight — and it basically goes like this: “Oh yeah, well then why doesn’t everyone have a job?” If, by chance, he announces that everyone as of this moment has a steady job, because of Magick, they will respond with “Oh yeah, and how are we supposed to afford that?” This is a pretty good response, either way, probably, as America’s political media and lobbyists and perhaps a few other oddballs here and there get ready for the anti-social event of the season. From Washington to Maryland to Northern Virginia, people who make their living from the political process will glumly/gladly watch Obama’s speech as Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or yell “You Lie!” Nothing compares to the excitement. Read more on Obama’s State of the Union Speech Is/Will Be Bad Because ……. Read more on Obama’s State of the Union Speech Is/Will Be Bad Because …….
  vote early and eat often

Drop Off Your Ballot and Pick Up a Delicious American Anus Burger

There’s no better salve for the empty feeling you get after casting your ballot than the gooey greasy salt-fat blob of a delicious anus burger sliding down your throat to rest in your gut alongside the “beef tallow” sodium stick fries and 72 ounces of corn syrup you just consumed as an appetizer. You might not be able to “change Washington” or whatever, but you can spend your change at the McDonaldland! Thanks to “David F.J.” for the terrible map screenshot. Read more on Drop Off Your Ballot and Pick Up a Delicious American Anus Burger…
  visions of america

Here’s Your Video of McNugget Lady Going Nuts

How are things in McDonaldland, USA? Pretty bad, we bet! Here’s the “State of the Union,” as video-recorded by a robot camera over the McDonald’s drive-thru somewhere. (Oh and your Wonkette has an “arrangement” with this news-video company, so whatever commercial you suffer through is actually sending a little money to your Wonkette writers who also need their fucking McNuggets, fuckers.) Read more on Here’s Your Video of McNugget Lady Going Nuts…
  america 2010

All of America Captured In Single Photograph

Wonkette operative “Lily E.” was just driving around the outskirts of Madison, Virginia, this weekend when she was compelled to snap this picture of America 2010. It’s all there, everything. Everything. Read more on All of America Captured In Single Photograph…