antonin scalia
Teabaggers Forced To Pretend They Like the Whole Constitution Today
For Teabaggers, it seems, the older the law, the better. Everything we need is in the Constitution, because it was written at the beginning. Even though back then, people had no idea what America was going to look like or, really, what it should be. And even though the beloved founders failed miserably at their [...]
Antonin Scalia: Constitution Only Protects Men (Straight Men)
According to Justice Antonin Scalia, who will only rule on court cases involving robots if the Constitution lists the EXACT model number and specifications of said robot in the text, the Constitution is for men who happen to be heterosexual and NOBODY ELSE, so other humans should just “get over it.” “Certainly the Constitution does [...]
Michele Bachmann Says Justice Scalia Will Teach Her Constitution Class
Hey look, Lou Dobbs is alive! Also, we did not know Michele Bachmann is teaching Constitution Sports to her fellow members of Congress, but apparently that is happening too, with Antonin Scalia, who is not, you know, supposed to be partisan about things; but it’s hard when all your friends want you to come to [...]
New Pals Scalia and Kagan Hang Out At Gun Range
Antonin Scalia was spotted giving Elena Kagan “a lesson” about shootin’ crap at a shooting “club” last week, according to The Daily Caller, which has set up a tin-can telephone at the bottom of Tucker Carlson’s treehouse to receive such tips. Clarence Thomas is gonna be so pissed when he finds out his blood brother [...]
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: Chuck Norris Says Jan Brewer Is ‘Tougher’ Than Him
“Meanwhile back at the farm, or on the border, lone ranger Gov. Brewer commendably and courageously continues to lead a battalion of border-protection officials, on the one hand fighting the feds with state politicians and attorneys, and on the other hand fighting illegals with border agents, sheriffs and other law enforcement. What a job, huh? [...]
Fap To Your Employees’ Sexts All You Want, Sez SCOTUS
Being a cop is a tough job, and it ought to come with a little bit of “leeway” in regards to certain laws that apply to ordinary folk. For instance, police officers are highly trained at operating their vehicles, so they shouldn’t get tickets if they drive over the speed limit and run lights or [...]
Somewhere, Someone Is Thinking Up A Nonsensical Sex Act And Calling It ‘Top Kill’
Right now, valiant BP scientists are top-killing the heck of out of the all-spewing oil well in the Gulf of Mexico! Yup, they’re sure giving their all at killing … the top … of the thing … in a top kill. Which involves stone-cold pumping mud into the durn hole, we guess. Will it work? [...]
Scalia Goes Nuts During Christian-y Court Case
One of the very very important court cases the Supreme Court is tackling during its first week back is Salazar vs. Buono, about “whether a 5-foot cross on federal government land in the Mojave National Preserve violates the Constitution’s Establishment Clause.” This dumb cross is a memorial to World War I, specifically, and it is [...]
Scalia Outraged By Student’s Offensive Question About Cameras
If you have ever tuned to CSPAN late at night, hoping for something truly dull to put you to sleep, you have probably wondered why you never see Supreme Court arguments. The reason is that Justice Scalia doesn’t like cameras, or informing the public! A college junior recently asked him at a luncheon put on [...]
Supreme Court Strikes Down D.C. Handgun Ban, Immediately Shoots At Random People
They’ve been talking about it for a while, but the ACTIVIST judges of the Supreme Court today struck down Washington, D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership, voting along Ideological Lines. Hooray! Because we all have guns, and now we don’t have to hide them under our pillows with the safety off anymore, which was not safe [...]
Scalia Tells Haters To Get Over Bush v. Gore
Scalia’s Daughter Gets DUI, Fails To Kill Her Children
Scott v. Harris Most Thrilling, Chilling SCOTUS Case Since The People v. Mad Max
Daily Briefing: The Biggest Nuts
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