• THIS WOULD EXPLAIN THE SHIFT TOWARDS CONFISCATION: See, it’s just like in our imaginations: “Local reports indicate that the practice of mailing actual tea bags to legislators has repeatedly raised security concerns, and sometimes forced the evacuation of congressional offices in anthrax-like scares.” Did you know that the actual “Republican Party” sanctions this? [HuffPo]

A Senate staffer has heeded our call for pictures of Tea Party teabagger anthrax threat letters, and here we are. For those of you who are no longer able to decipher human handwriting, it reads, “THE SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY,” and is written on the inside of the envelope. The tea… what is that, Lipton’s? Standard Lipton’s? Why that tea should make a delicious 3 o’clock treat for this lucky staffer.

Ever since America’s most recent 9/11, when an ex-derivatives trader ranted on the cable news money channel about Obama’s $75 billion plan to subsidize salvageable mortgages, certain Real Americans have developed this masturbatory obsession with tea bags and ladies’ tea parties and also sucking each others’ balls. They are doing this because of socialism, the cartoon movie The Watch Men, and the blacks — Congress, essentially. And as part of this ball-sucking guerilla war they now appear to be issuing “threats” by mailing certain substances in suspicious envelopes to the Senate. They freak out mail room employees and security guards for a few seconds until they realize that the substance is just tea — tea in the form of tea bags — probably mixed up with a few pubic hairs, for show. MORE »

Just a week or so ago, California Mormons reproduced in reptilian-fashion, thereby increasing their population several times over. “Be fruitful and multiply,” Joe the Mormon God commanded from a modernist ranch house atop a hill in LA. “This is in preparation for Election Day, when ye shall amass at the polls and vote in favor of Proposition 8.” It worked! And now gays and San Franciscans, with their despicable San Francisco values, have started anthraxing Mormon temples. You see, they know no other way. MORE »

• Your city is suing the Bank of America, as the bank’s employees have been scamming D.C. with fake property tax checks since the 90s, when people still had property. [Washington Post]
• Terrible meta-pseudoterrorism strikes the Atlantic Monthly, as a Documenterrorian sent the magazine some PR materials for a film about anthrax, which included a bag of sugar labeled “anthrax.” [Fishbowl DC]
• The free shuttles that you enjoyed to your Nationals games are maybe being threatened! [WTOP]
• The debate about Maryland slots (slots) rages on, as teachers are in need of gambling revenues but don’t want everyone to become addicted and gamble away their life savings, which for an Average American Family includes three cans of soup and a Sarah Palin Halloween costume. [DC Examiner]
• That prostitute boss lady, the “D.C. Madam,” who died last year, has conclusively died of suicide. [DCist]

The Muslims are trying to kill the very communist New York Times! An internal e-mail says that the newspaper received an envelope filled with a “white granular substance,” just like in the good old days when all of the terrorists were trying to kill Tom Daschle, ha. Well, s’pose we gotta invade some Muslim country now, how about Syria? Those guys are kinda fuckers; freedom might as well be on the march there. To Syria. [Radar]

• JUST LIKE AFTER 9/11: From Drudge: “MCCAIN OFFICE IN DENVER RECEIVES ENVELOPE WITH WHITE POWDER AND DEATH THREAT… DEVELOPING…” This is misleading. It was mailed to the wrong candidate, and the “death threat” was actually a post-it note from the friendly dealer warning Barry not to do too much at once. [Drudge Report]

You’ve heard about the Montauk Monster and the terrible secret government laboratory on Plum Island, but what will our Leaders do to stop the reign of biological terror from the Department of Homeland Security’s Monster Island? Even Hillary Clinton is frightened! MORE »

When a terrible monster was found washed up on the beach near Montauk, New York, on July 12, the local newspaper speculated that the mutant beast escaped from Plum Island Animal Disease Center, the top secret government lab known as “Monster Island.” Wonkette has since learned that the Biosafety Level 3 (or Level 4) facility was taken over by the Department of Homeland Security in 2003, has had numerous biohazard accidents in recent years, was investigated by the House last year, is no longer patrolled by Federal Protective Services police, and has been the subject of environmental sabotage by government contractors. Worse, the Bush Administration is currently trying to shut down the island laboratory and replace it with a monster lab on the U.S. mainland, where the deadly diseases could easily spread to livestock and people. MORE »

According to a new book from the Racist New Yorker’s Jane Mayer, Dick Cheney became the leading hawk in the White House after 9/11 because he thought the terrorists had successfully poisoned him with anthrax: “On Oct. 18, 2001, a White House alarm went off indicating that sensors had detected dangerous levels of radioactive, chemical or biological agents. According to Mayer, anyone who had entered the White House situation room, including Cheney, had been exposed. ‘They thought Cheney was already lethally infected,’ said a former administration officer who had kept the White House secret until now, according to the book.” Seven years after the scare, and hypochondriac Dick Cheney still cannot defeat each individual Muslim germ that he pretends is killing him. [ABC News]

A mysterious ninja-type figure was recently seen running along Rock Creek between Woodley Park and Montrose Park, throwing “an azure-colored granular material” on the ground. Sometimes there seemed to be a pattern to this ninja’s artful splatters as they formed “X”s and “O”s. Was this some urban form of crop circles? A summons to ancient Mayan gods? Anthrax? MORE »