Tag Archives: ann romney

  poor little rich girl happy at last

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: Mitt And Ann Romney Get Their Car Elevator

Egg Romney woke up to a new and strange feeling. Could it be? She wiggled her toes, grazed her fingers on the 1000-count sheets, interwoven with threads of gold. For once, the gosh darn sheets weren’t abrading her ultrasensitive skin. Why, they almost felt soft! Egg Romney wrinkled her little princess nose. She smelled something good, wafting up from the kitchen of their miserable 3,000-square-foot beach shack. As if one could escape a scent in a ramshackle cottage like this one. But today she didn’t so much mind — an odd feeling in itself. What could be the matter with her? She felt … happy! And then Egg Romney remembered: the California Coastal Commission had finally come to their idiot senses and given them approval to raze this sad little hovel and build a more suitable home, a modest 12,000-square-foot one, right there on the beach in La Jolla. Egg Romney rose like a goddess from the perfectly undisturbed bedclothes — she never moved while she slept, her arms crossed upon her breast. And of course Mittens, her Mittens, would not dream of disturbing her in her wing of this dump. She wrapped herself in her favorite fisheagle shirt — no pants — and floated down the stairs to the kitchen. Read more on Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: Mitt And Ann Romney Get Their Car Elevator…
  hush hush sweet ann

Ann Romney Continues To Write President Romney Fan-Fic

Ann Romney. Bubbeleh. (Or “Mi’lady,” if you prefer, and you know you do.) After your husband, the worst candidate for president your humble penpal has ever seen and she has seen Alan Keyes, took a drubbing at the polls last year because of how people did not like him or you, it is considered unseemly to keep unhinging your slathering jaw to explain that your husband would have never let any of these terrible things happen that the impostor in the White House is forcing to happen by the simple act of not being Mitt Romney (oh, and also because the House of Representatives is led by fucking lunatics but six of one …). What tacky nonsense is Ann Romney spewing from her mouth hole now? Ann Romney said the government would not have shut down if her husband Mitt had been elected president in 2012. “We would not be in a shutdown,” Romney said during an interview on “Fox & Friends.” Romney said her husband would have “stopped Obamacare,” keeping Congress from a government shutdown. Hmmm. Let’s reach back to our high school logic class and see if we can find the flaws in Mi’lady’s theorem! Read more on Ann Romney Continues To Write President Romney Fan-Fic…
  la jolla: year zero

Ann Romney Not Worrying Her Beautiful Mind About Neighbors’ Unhappiness With Grotesque Beach Mansion

In her quest to build a modest 11,000-square-foot cottage not in anyone’s way at all right there on that public beach, Ann Romney is starting to sound a little like America’s most favoritest belovedest totally great lady, one Barbara “gentle murmurs” Bush. Neighbors may be unhappy over the Romneys’ … hmmm … lack of politesse (THE ROMNEYS??? THE FUCK YOU SAY!) in throwing their shitfits at the San Diego City Council for not getting their permits fast enough. But Ann knows in her heart of hearts that other people’s feelings don’t matter at all! Read more on Ann Romney Not Worrying Her Beautiful Mind About Neighbors’ Unhappiness With Grotesque Beach Mansion…
  On a clear day she can whine forever

Ann Romney Shames San Diego City Council Because She Didn’t Get Her Beachfront Mansion Permit Fast Enough

Aw, cute! Ann Romney, the unintentionally comedic wife of uber-loser Mitt, took a break from watching her classier-than-thou horse do ballet to eggsplain to the San Diego City Council why it can kiss her pampered ass because it did not approve the permit for her bazillion dollar beachfront mansion expansion in a way befitting Her Royal Highness, according to Her Royal Highness: My name is Ann Romney. I am here today to express concern with the city of San Diego’s noticing procedure for development projects. The hearing officer’s decision on the coastal development and site development permit for my home was appealed due to potential defects with the public notice. Notice defects can be problematic for transparent government and public participation, two things that Mitt and I strongly support. You are probably deeply and profoundly concerned about the potential defects with the public notice for Ann’s home, right? You’re probably losing sleep over it, tossing and turning and fretting about whether that $12 million house Ann and Mitt are rebuilding on the beach will be properly and quickly permitted, and nothing — not those doctor bills you can’t afford to pay, not global warming, not the outright persecution of the teabaggers by the IRS — concerns you more. That’s why Ann is talking to the City Council, you know. For the public. For you people. Read more on Ann Romney Shames San Diego City Council Because She Didn’t Get Her Beachfront Mansion Permit Fast Enough…
  a ship without a rudder is like a ship without a rudder

Mitt Romney And His Royale Princesse Deign To Visit Their Ungrateful Subjects Again

Pretenders to the throne (no, really – we assume they pretend they won the 2012 election all the damn time, like with presidential cosplay and stuffs) Highness Mittens and Princess Romney went on Fox News on Sunday. BIG SURPRISE. I mean, what is more relevant right now than giving losers a chance to explain how Obummer and the Democrats are the real losers and America should weep for what they hath lost: “I look at what’s happening right now — I wish I were there,” Romney told Chris Wallace, in an taping conducted last week in California. “It kills me not to be there. Not to be in the White House doing what needs to be done.” Romney criticized President Obama’s handling of the budget showdown engulfing Washington, saying, “We don’t have to have gridlock settings one after the other, on issue after issue. Oh, America! What have you done? Instead of the partisan gridlock you have now, you could have…well, partisan gridlock when the Senate refused to go along with any plan concocted by Boehner and Mitt, the no-glimmer weepy twins. Read more on Mitt Romney And His Royale Princesse Deign To Visit Their Ungrateful Subjects Again…
  if you can't say something nice come sit by me

Your Valentine’s Nice Time, In Which We Are Nice To Really Really Grody Folks For Really No Reason At All

We know you Wonkers are a persnickety lot, and man are you good at hate! But let’s take a moment to give a Malbec-soaked shout-out to some people we hate while remembering their common humanity. Wait! Where’d you go??? Read more on Your Valentine’s Nice Time, In Which We Are Nice To Really Really Grody Folks For Really No Reason At All…
  her?

Yes, Please

Look outside. A moment ago, was it bright, and warm, and sunny? Did a cloud just move across the sky and block out the sun completely? Did a monstrous shiver just rack your body, as though somewhere a Great Evil had been loosed upon the world? That is because some idiot claims people want Ann Romney to run for John Kerry’s seat in the United States Senate. Read more on Yes, Please…
  great lunches in history

What Did John McCain And The Romneys Talk About During Their Lunch?

The esteemed gentleman from Arizona, last seen spitting fury at Hillary Clinton, who was not impressed, had a nice lunch date today with his old friends His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, and his wife, the Lady Egg! What do you think they talked about at their lunch, these two men, one cunt, who had all had their life’s great ambition snatched from them by this upstart, this “That One”? Read more on What Did John McCain And The Romneys Talk About During Their Lunch?…
 

Unveiling Wonket’s 2012 Hu-Man Of The Year

Wonket’s Hu-Man of the Year was a hard-fought contest. There were strong cases to be made for Donald Trump, and Rick Santorum, and the cast of Fox & Friends. But in the end only one hu-man provided such grand doses of befuddled misanthropy, who proved to be SO FUCKING BAD AT HIS JOB, who could not open his mouth but to insult the help (everyone is the help), whose wife was a bigger fucking cunt than he was. Oh, this could have been a Republican year. Everyone thought so mostly! Except then the Republicans went and nominated His Lord High Hairgel, Mittens of Romney, who literally said half the country refused to take responsibility for their lives, and no one was surprised. BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS GAFFES? Let us relive, together, the power and the glory forever and ever hallelujah amen! Read more on Unveiling Wonket’s 2012 Hu-Man Of The Year…
  mitt's time

Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires

Mitt Romney is SO VERY SAD, you guys. All he wanted was to be President. That’s it. He had a dream, just a simple dream, and You People crushed it. So now he spends his days alone, shuffling around in his $1000 bathrobes, talking to secret service personnel that aren’t there. And Ann! This has been ESPECIALLY hard on Ann, who is Above all of this. Are we bad people because we are kind of happy to learn that Ann Romney spends her days “crying softly,” trying desperately to adjust to a life filled with mansions and Austrian warmbloods instead of political events and secret service motorcades? By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney’s wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses. Read more on Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires…
  in the pink

Fox News Furious: American Pie Actor Talked Real Icky About Ann Romney’s Butt

How come the liberal media never talks about stupid LIEBERALS warring on women, huh? It is like, one side is full of elected officials trying to make it legal for business owners to deny their workers slut pills and hating equal pay for equal work and loving rape, and the other side is an actor and probably Bill Maher saying gross things about Republican ladies’ butts, and how is it fair that these are not treated exactly the same? Fox News, as you would expect, is FURIOUS. For a guy who’s most famous for having sex with a pie, you’d think his career could only improve. But for actor Jason Biggs, that hasn’t been the case. Biggs has been all over conservative media recently for saying foul things during the presidential campaign about Ann Romney and Janna Ryan. Nickelodeon has choosen the foul-mouthed comedian for voice work in a children’s cartoon. But in the media, life gets better with a little help from your friends. In this case, it’s the Associated Press’s John Carucci who wrote about the star in a Nov. 13 article where he referred simply to Biggs’s “off-color comments” this year and let Biggs get away with saying, “I made a political tweet, so I got a little bit of heat from the right.” That should be called journalistic fraud. Raise your hands if you would like to read the foul things Jason Biggs said about Ann Romney and Janna Ryan! US TOO! Read more on Fox News Furious: American Pie Actor Talked Real Icky About Ann Romney’s Butt…
  trigger warning: schadenfreude

Come, Drink In Delusional Mitt Romney’s Election-Night Sadness With Us

Oh boy, we have now reached our favorite part of the election cycle: the end! It’s great because (a) the stressful part is over and (b) all the low-level staffers for both campaigns start telling secrets to the reporters that they most want to sleep with. And so it was that the lucky folks at CBS, America’s old-person network, got the scoop on the tragic emotional landscape of the Romney-Ryan campaign’s final night, when everyone’s sincere belief in their inevitable victory ran head-first into reality. Join us for a gleefully annotated summary, after the jump! Read more on Come, Drink In Delusional Mitt Romney’s Election-Night Sadness With Us…
  in your heart you know she's wrong

Ann Romney Still Horrible

Ann Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did! Read more on Ann Romney Still Horrible…
  in the navy

That Is So Weird That Guy Advising Mitt Romney On Our ‘Too-Small’ Navy Just Happens To Be In The Ship-Building Biz

Here’s the thing about the Navy: it needs more ships. And possibly more bayonets, so as not to offend the bayonet-Americans. But definitely more ships. This is self-evidently true according to presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who astutely observed the other night that our air force is “older than any time since 1947.” This is also self-evidently true!  So the solution here is more ships, which you can use to attack Syria (a.k.a. “Iran’s route to the sea”) and if you get bored with that, you can sail on over to Afghanistan, which will be very helpful to our men and women and uniform. So yeah, more ships, says Romney, who is being advised by some guy who by coincidence just so happens to invest in ship-building companies. Does his opinion on navy ships have to do with these ties to ship-building companies? No, of course not, his opinion on navy ships just has to do with Keeping Us Safe.™ Read more on That Is So Weird That Guy Advising Mitt Romney On Our ‘Too-Small’ Navy Just Happens To Be In The Ship-Building Biz…
  flotus files

The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown

Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, “Who ate the rest of my french fries?” (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who knows?!) If you watched last night’s debate long enough to see the spouses emerge from the dark tunnels under America’s “undecided” voters, you may have noticed that OMG LADIES WEARING THE SAME COLOR OUTFIT!!! This is what happens when you are trapped in Mitt Romney’s lady-binders, we guess? Or it was a dumb breast cancer thing. (Women’s vote! Ladies just love their pink ribbons and October breast cancer-themed Lifetime movie marathons.) Let us explore! Read more on The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown…