Tag Archives: ann romney

 

Unveiling Wonket’s 2012 Hu-Man Of The Year

Wonket’s Hu-Man of the Year was a hard-fought contest. There were strong cases to be made for Donald Trump, and Rick Santorum, and the cast of Fox & Friends. But in the end only one hu-man provided such grand doses of befuddled misanthropy, who proved to be SO FUCKING BAD AT HIS JOB, who could not open his mouth but to insult the help (everyone is the help), whose wife was a bigger fucking cunt than he was. Oh, this could have been a Republican year. Everyone thought so mostly! Except then the Republicans went and nominated His Lord High Hairgel, Mittens of Romney, who literally said half the country refused to take responsibility for their lives, and no one was surprised. BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS GAFFES? Let us relive, together, the power and the glory forever and ever hallelujah amen! Read more on Unveiling Wonket’s 2012 Hu-Man Of The Year…
  mitt's time

Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires

Mitt Romney is SO VERY SAD, you guys. All he wanted was to be President. That’s it. He had a dream, just a simple dream, and You People crushed it. So now he spends his days alone, shuffling around in his $1000 bathrobes, talking to secret service personnel that aren’t there. And Ann! This has been ESPECIALLY hard on Ann, who is Above all of this. Are we bad people because we are kind of happy to learn that Ann Romney spends her days “crying softly,” trying desperately to adjust to a life filled with mansions and Austrian warmbloods instead of political events and secret service motorcades? By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney’s wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses. Read more on Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires…
  in the pink

Fox News Furious: American Pie Actor Talked Real Icky About Ann Romney’s Butt

How come the liberal media never talks about stupid LIEBERALS warring on women, huh? It is like, one side is full of elected officials trying to make it legal for business owners to deny their workers slut pills and hating equal pay for equal work and loving rape, and the other side is an actor and probably Bill Maher saying gross things about Republican ladies’ butts, and how is it fair that these are not treated exactly the same? Fox News, as you would expect, is FURIOUS. For a guy who’s most famous for having sex with a pie, you’d think his career could only improve. But for actor Jason Biggs, that hasn’t been the case. Biggs has been all over conservative media recently for saying foul things during the presidential campaign about Ann Romney and Janna Ryan. Nickelodeon has choosen the foul-mouthed comedian for voice work in a children’s cartoon. But in the media, life gets better with a little help from your friends. In this case, it’s the Associated Press’s John Carucci who wrote about the star in a Nov. 13 article where he referred simply to Biggs’s “off-color comments” this year and let Biggs get away with saying, “I made a political tweet, so I got a little bit of heat from the right.” That should be called journalistic fraud. Raise your hands if you would like to read the foul things Jason Biggs said about Ann Romney and Janna Ryan! US TOO! Read more on Fox News Furious: American Pie Actor Talked Real Icky About Ann Romney’s Butt…
  trigger warning: schadenfreude

Come, Drink In Delusional Mitt Romney’s Election-Night Sadness With Us

Oh boy, we have now reached our favorite part of the election cycle: the end! It’s great because (a) the stressful part is over and (b) all the low-level staffers for both campaigns start telling secrets to the reporters that they most want to sleep with. And so it was that the lucky folks at CBS, America’s old-person network, got the scoop on the tragic emotional landscape of the Romney-Ryan campaign’s final night, when everyone’s sincere belief in their inevitable victory ran head-first into reality. Join us for a gleefully annotated summary, after the jump! Read more on Come, Drink In Delusional Mitt Romney’s Election-Night Sadness With Us…
  in your heart you know she's wrong

Ann Romney Still Horrible

Ann Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did! Read more on Ann Romney Still Horrible…
  in the navy

That Is So Weird That Guy Advising Mitt Romney On Our ‘Too-Small’ Navy Just Happens To Be In The Ship-Building Biz

Here’s the thing about the Navy: it needs more ships. And possibly more bayonets, so as not to offend the bayonet-Americans. But definitely more ships. This is self-evidently true according to presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who astutely observed the other night that our air force is “older than any time since 1947.” This is also self-evidently true!  So the solution here is more ships, which you can use to attack Syria (a.k.a. “Iran’s route to the sea”) and if you get bored with that, you can sail on over to Afghanistan, which will be very helpful to our men and women and uniform. So yeah, more ships, says Romney, who is being advised by some guy who by coincidence just so happens to invest in ship-building companies. Does his opinion on navy ships have to do with these ties to ship-building companies? No, of course not, his opinion on navy ships just has to do with Keeping Us Safe.™ Read more on That Is So Weird That Guy Advising Mitt Romney On Our ‘Too-Small’ Navy Just Happens To Be In The Ship-Building Biz…
  flotus files

The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown

Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, “Who ate the rest of my french fries?” (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who knows?!) If you watched last night’s debate long enough to see the spouses emerge from the dark tunnels under America’s “undecided” voters, you may have noticed that OMG LADIES WEARING THE SAME COLOR OUTFIT!!! This is what happens when you are trapped in Mitt Romney’s lady-binders, we guess? Or it was a dumb breast cancer thing. (Women’s vote! Ladies just love their pink ribbons and October breast cancer-themed Lifetime movie marathons.) Let us explore! Read more on The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown…
  the enforcerer

Tagg Romney To Be Our New George W. Bush

Do you ever wish you could see into the future? Well thanks to today’s Politico story on how the Romney family has finally wrested control of Miffed’s campaign from the seriously incompetent Stuart Stevenses et alia, we now know that Tagg Romney has taken on the role of enforcer in his dad’s campaign. This makes him, obviously, the new George W. Bush, who played the thug so well for his own father’s presidential runs. (Egg Romney, duh, is the new Nancy, stone cold firing Donald Regan and shit.) Does that mean Tagg Romney for president in like 2024? HOPEFULLY! Read more on Tagg Romney To Be Our New George W. Bush…
  the egg and i

Ann Romney To Simper And Smirk And Make Love To Us All As Guest Host Of Good Morning America

Set the recorders on your infernal machines, America! Egg Romney is trying to seduce you! On Oct. 10, which is next Wednesday, she will show us all the charm and grace she has heretofore mislaid somehow (it was terribly careless of her, we’re sure) and we will all finally realize that a Lady such as she could not but be married to a very fine fellow! Read more on Ann Romney To Simper And Smirk And Make Love To Us All As Guest Host Of Good Morning America…
  The Lunatic Is On The Hill

Ann Romney Worries About Mitt’s Brain Parts If He’s Elected

Ann Romney is just plain baiting the Professional Comedy Industry now, isn’t she? Over the weekend, she said in an interview that if her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her “biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being.” We share Egg’s concerns. No one wants to see the President of 53 Percent of the United States reduced to a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk, after all. Read more on Ann Romney Worries About Mitt’s Brain Parts If He’s Elected…
  oral pleasure

Mormons Apparently Not Allowed To Do Sex With Their Mouths

General JC Christian, Patriot, points us to these sad LDS sex-rules that are doubtless responsible for making Miffed and Egg Romney such delightful humans to be around: LDS President Harold B. Lee: I was shocked to have you raise the question about ‘oral lovemaking in the genital area among married couples.’ Heaven forbid any such degrading activities which would be abhorrent in the sight of the Lord. For any Latter-day Saint, and particularly those who have been taught in the sacred ordinances of the temple, to engage in any kind of perversions of this sacred God-given gift of procreation, would be sure to bring down the condemnation of the Lord whom we would offend were we to engage in any such practice. Even Pat Robertson thinks it is cool by God if ladies suck on and fondle their husbands’ penises and balls! Read more on Mormons Apparently Not Allowed To Do Sex With Their Mouths…
  mitt romney's deep thoughts

Science Genius Mitt Romney Thinks Airplane Windows Should Open

Did you happen to hear that in the midst of yet another very bad day for Miffed Romney, Egg Romney’s plane had to make an emergency landing? We are not saying they faked it or that it was suspicious at all, we’re just saying we saw Bob Roberts. We for one are very, very happy that Egg Romney is all right, and anybody musing otherwise in the comments will be murdered (from commenting). You know the Rules! Anyhoo, we note this because Miffed Romney was in Los Angeles, hoovering up a little more Koch money or something, when he had the kind of Deep Thought that should make grumpy loser Herman Cain shut up once and for all. Ladies and gentlemen, Miffed Romney is a Man of Ideas! Read more on Science Genius Mitt Romney Thinks Airplane Windows Should Open…
  her?

Ann Romney Wants You To Cry For Her, Argentina (Audio!)

It is Mitt’s time, and Egg Romney has had about enough of you people sniping and whining and curb-jobbing her husband. “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring,” she said. “This is hard and, you know, it’s an important thing that we’re doing right now and it’s an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.” That should help! Hear Egg Romney scold you, after the jump! Read more on Ann Romney Wants You To Cry For Her, Argentina (Audio!)…
  her?

Sorry, But Ann Romney Does Not Think You People Are As Classy As Her Horse

Here is a fun little tidbit from a WaPo profile of proto-Paris Hilton Georgette Mosbacher: Egg Romney does not think you people are as classy as her horse who does ballet! At the convention, they could be seen bickering outside exclusive donor powwows (“Don’t be upset,” Georgette pleaded with Lyn outside a brunch organized by billionaire Paul Singer. “It was an honest mistake.”) or giddily relaying how Ann Romney, for whom Georgette has served on the host committee for several fundraisers in New York, privately reacted to Democratic attacks on her dressage-competing mare. (“My horse has more style and more class in its hoof than they do in their whole deal,” Lyn recounts.) That’s not fair! NOTHING is as classy as a horse that does ballet! Read more on Sorry, But Ann Romney Does Not Think You People Are As Classy As Her Horse…
  hu-mans onboard

Romney’s World: With The Middle East On Fire, He Would Like Us To Help Rename His Plane

What is the worst possible thing that Egg Romney could call the Romney flying machine? Here is a message from His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, to inform us! Ann likes to joke that the campaign plane should be called “Hair Force One.” Read more on Romney’s World: With The Middle East On Fire, He Would Like Us To Help Rename His Plane… Read more on Romney’s World: With The Middle East On Fire, He Would Like Us To Help Rename His Plane…
  run husband.exe

Mitt Romney Actually Going To Be A Good Husband This Time

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mitt Romney’s wife, Egg, had a dancey horse that was so good at prancing and mincing, it was going to prance and mince in the Olympics even! And because Mitt Romney does not know how to be a human husband, he was all, “That is Egg’s thing, I will not be watching.” And all of America slapped themselves in their faces with a tire iron, because dude, you not watching your wife’s horse dance in the Olympics is not going to distance you from the fact that you have a horse dancing in the Olympics, so why not say something only mildly assholish, like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, what a dumb fucking sport, and one which many blue-collar white humans, whose votes I must attain, find eminently lame and which they mock. I sure will be watching it and cheering on my loving helpmeet.” Well, now Egg Romney is talking to all of America, from Tampa, tonight! And Mitt Romney will even be in town for it, to lend his support, instead of slapping his wife in the face with a tire iron! (This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!) Mitt Romney, vote for him, as he is a human-style man! Read more on Mitt Romney Actually Going To Be A Good Husband This Time…
  censorship

Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech

The Mitt Romney for President 2012 campaign had a smashing idea for night one of next week’s convention: Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,” don’t you know. Have you heard? Once the world meets Ann Romney, nothing but Endless Victory will follow. And yet problems have arisen: (1) Ann Romney’s opening act will be a hurricane that levels the city of Tampa and (2) CBS, ABC and NBC won’t even be showing the speech. Instead they’re airing repeats of what, one thing about a detective, another one about fairy tales. A Hawaii thing. (They are all about detectives.) Read more on Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech…
  public radio schoolmarms

NPR Now Eight Millionth Outlet To Shake Stern Finger In Mitt Romney’s Lying Face

Oh how precious, NPR thinks that Mitt Romney will stop running around lying to everyone’s face about welfare reform if only he is presented with the “facts.” But like most “severe conservatives,” Romney knows you can use facts to prove anything that’s even REMOTELY true — and even things that aren’t! Read more on NPR Now Eight Millionth Outlet To Shake Stern Finger In Mitt Romney’s Lying Face…
  they're on a boat!

Caption Contest! Mitt And Ann Romney Are On A Boat

Tupper Romney tweets this photo of Mitt and Ann Romney on a boat. For some reason, His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney — who is objectively a handsome man — always looks super gross and greasy when he’s on vacation at “Lake Winni.” Here they look like nothing so much as a really sweaty and awful Viagra ad. But do you think they look like a sweaty and awful Viagra ad? Or do you think they look like something else? Read more on Caption Contest! Mitt And Ann Romney Are On A Boat…
  Blind Trust

Ann Romney Has No Idea What Is In Those Tax Returns But Assures You People That They Are Legal

Oh isn’t this NICE. Ann Romney took time away from her busy schedule of hanging out with Welsh ponies (srsly) to discuss politics with NBC news. And you will never guess what NBC learned, you guys. Ann Romney is not just the owner of a dancing horse! No sirree, she is the granddaughter of a coal miner! And a first generation American! And she has no idea what’s in her husband’s tax returns but she’s 100% confident that they’re legal! Don’t you people feel comforted? Read more on Ann Romney Has No Idea What Is In Those Tax Returns But Assures You People That They Are Legal…
  wonkette sports desk london

Rafalca’s Magical Olympics, Day One: Rafalca Losing To Some Dancing Horses, Beating Others

Your Wonkette knows that it is not allowed to make any lighthearted jokes about the rich presidential candidate and his wife who own a dancing horse that is competing in the Olympics. Americans have no history of making jokes about the playthings of the rich, in this case a German-bred mare. As Mitt Romney says, if we all work hard, we’ll all get rich and own dancing horses, and will we want the cretins to rib us then? Right. So here is an objective report of the first Olympics performance from the 15-year-old German-bred mare that dances and is owned by Ann and Mitt Romney. Read more on Rafalca’s Magical Olympics, Day One: Rafalca Losing To Some Dancing Horses, Beating Others…