Tag Archives: animals

  killjoys

Nothing Fun Allowed At Obama’s Stadium Show

Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump. Read more on Nothing Fun Allowed At Obama’s Stadium Show…
  nation in crisis

Americans Very, Very Worried About Our Homeless… Obese Cats

This is an actual fat cat named “Chunks” who is, of course, hiding under a chair in the green room of the MSNBC studio. Here’s how this obese monster got famous: “BLACKWOOD, N.J. — Turns out, the economy is the reason a 44-pound cat found lumbering the streets of New Jersey became homeless. The Camden County Animal Shelter said the cat’s owner came forward to say she had to abandon the tubby tabby because her home was foreclosed.” Naturally, no one cares about the owner having lost her home. Read more on Americans Very, Very Worried About Our Homeless… Obese Cats…
  monsters

Game-Altering Poll: Pet Owners Prefer McCain

A new poll from the venerable AP-Yahoo partnership shows that pet owners prefer John McCain over Barack Obama, 42% to 37%. (The other 21%, we assume, support pet-loving failure Mitt Romney.) Dog owners, especially, support John McCain by a wide margin, while cat owners of course lean towards known homosexual Barack Obama. Obama owns no pets because he hates domesticated beasts. But — as the AP tells us — John McCain owns a “veritable menagerie” of creatures. Sexy! Read more on Game-Altering Poll: Pet Owners Prefer McCain…
 

Terrifying Parrot To Be Obama’s Black Vice President

Some Obama freaks have trained their parrot to speak some of Barry’s popular catch phrases, including “Yes We Can” and, well, “Obama,” which is actually just his name. The brainwashed monster also says what sounds like “Oh My Cow,” so this household is obviously a local bestiality bath house. Also: this bird is Elitist. If John McCain were buying a goddamned bird, he’d go straight for the parakeet — the Working Man’s Bird. [YouTube] Read more on Terrifying Parrot To Be Obama’s Black Vice President…
 

E-MAIL OF THE DAY: “The video of the child being attacked by the animal is very offensive, you jerks.”
 

A Delightful Menagerie Of Economic Chaos

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. Read more on A Delightful Menagerie Of Economic Chaos…
 

When Animals Attack DC Fundraisers

newVideoPlayer("pet.flv", 463, 387,""); Wonkette’s Liz Glover took her various Video and Polaroid cameras to the “Sugar & Champagne” fundraiser for the Washington Humane Society. And what exactly happens when animals attack people in a sugar/champagne frenzy? Watch the video to find out! [Sugar & Champagne Affair] Read more on When Animals Attack DC Fundraisers…
 

Hey, That PETA Gal Is Taking Off Her Underwear

Nothing says “Our Precious Freedoms” like PETA’s annual State of the Union video of a young lady taking about an hour to get naked because she’s saying something about how you are not supposed to waterboard hamsters or eat steak. [PETA] Read more on Hey, That PETA Gal Is Taking Off Her Underwear…
 

Salmon Try to Send Larry Craig Up the River

As a Republican from Nebrasdaho or wherever the fuck, Larry Craig was a tireless champion of power companies and logging concerns, and he never stopped fighting the powerful salmon interests. That’s right, salmon — you might know them as the harmless smoked fish Larry King puts on his bagels, when he is making bagels, but in real life Big Salmon has a stranglehold on our government and industry, preventing upstanding American companies from building big dams that power our baby monitors and puppy-grooming machines. But with Larry resigning in disgrace for the “crime” of soliciting public sex with an undercover cop, these salmon may soon be free to infest the Snake River with their disgusting spawn. That’s why we all need to support Senator Craig in his latest campaign: the campaign to not actually resign. Read more on Salmon Try to Send Larry Craig Up the River…
 

What the Fuck Is Wrong With Rudy Giuliani?

Here he is, America’s Mayor of Terrorism, dressed up in a fucking weird costume again. Oh, and berating a zoo animal for being on welfare — ha ha, it’s funny because of all the blacks on welfare! No wait, it’s racist because he’s dressed up as … John Travolta in Battleship Scientologia? We don’t know. But it’s definitely stupid and offensive so you can bet there are about a thousand similar clips floating around — in fact, there’s a whole movie collection of this crap called Giuliani Time, and that’s where we got this clip. Big Cat Rudy Giuliani [YouTube] Read more on What the Fuck Is Wrong With Rudy Giuliani?…
 

Adorable kitten curls up beside copy of the US Constitution… [CBS]
 

Fun With Earmarks!

According to new House rules, approved earmark requests on spending bills are now ours for the public oversighting. Exciting news if you love reading lengthy, poorly-scanned .pdfs! There are a couple gems, though. Like the above, from the Interior and the Environment bill. Representative Emerson will be receiving a cool half a million dollars for “meth prevention” at the Mark Twain National Forest. ‘Cause there are few things in this life sadder than a tweaking deer. Read more on Fun With Earmarks!…
 

GOP to Push for Anti-Flag-Eating Amendment

This past Memorial Day caretakers at the Oak Hill Cemetery in Neenah, Wisconsin noticed that more than two dozen American flags were missing from the graves of military veterans. Who was to blame — commies? terrorists? beatniks? No, the answer was even more chilling: our so-called “friends” in the rogue animal kingdom. Read more on GOP to Push for Anti-Flag-Eating Amendment…
 

BILL CLINTON TASERED TO DEATH

We all knew it’d end this way. CHAPEL HILL – Bill Clinton, a 6-foot former president on the run nearly a week, died Thursday after Carrboro police captured him outside a nursing home. […] Sanford, who rescued the politician seven years ago to give her other high-profile Washingtonian, Janet Reno, company, said Bill Clinton was a happy pol. “He loved watermelon and grapes,” she said. And he always ate her red flowers. Read more on BILL CLINTON TASERED TO DEATH…
 

Newt, Improved

Above, possible Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, with Knut the Baby Polar Bear. Gingrich has been linked to Knut ever since he learned of former flame Butterstick’s tragic illness and left the formerly cute panda for a younger, more attractive animal. Read more on Newt, Improved…