After dreaming about winning both an Olympic Gold Medal and golf’s Ryder Cup tournament, in two-dimensions, George Bush’s dog Barney is awoken by the president himself. “You better wake up fella,” George Bush tells the dog. “There’s a lot of work to do around here.” Then George Bush makes Barney decorate the entire White House, which he does by running around aimlessly for a few seconds. Michael Phelps is in the White House, watching, judging. Why doesn’t Mrs. Beasley ever get to do anything? Sexism. Anyway, this is a great video for America right now. [YouTube]

Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump. MORE »

This is an actual fat cat named “Chunks” who is, of course, hiding under a chair in the green room of the MSNBC studio. Here’s how this obese monster got famous: “BLACKWOOD, N.J. — Turns out, the economy is the reason a 44-pound cat found lumbering the streets of New Jersey became homeless. The Camden County Animal Shelter said the cat’s owner came forward to say she had to abandon the tubby tabby because her home was foreclosed.” Naturally, no one cares about the owner having lost her home. MORE »

A new poll from the venerable AP-Yahoo partnership shows that pet owners prefer John McCain over Barack Obama, 42% to 37%. (The other 21%, we assume, support pet-loving failure Mitt Romney.) Dog owners, especially, support John McCain by a wide margin, while cat owners of course lean towards known homosexual Barack Obama. Obama owns no pets because he hates domesticated beasts. But — as the AP tells us — John McCain owns a “veritable menagerie” of creatures. Sexy! MORE »

Some Obama freaks have trained their parrot to speak some of Barry’s popular catch phrases, including “Yes We Can” and, well, “Obama,” which is actually just his name. The brainwashed monster also says what sounds like “Oh My Cow,” so this household is obviously a local bestiality bath house. Also: this bird is Elitist. If John McCain were buying a goddamned bird, he’d go straight for the parakeet — the Working Man’s Bird. [YouTube]

E-MAIL OF THE DAY: “The video of the child being attacked by the animal is very offensive, you jerks.”

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. MORE »

Wonkette’s Liz Glover took her various Video and Polaroid cameras to the “Sugar & Champagne” fundraiser for the Washington Humane Society. And what exactly happens when animals attack people in a sugar/champagne frenzy? Watch the video to find out! [Sugar & Champagne Affair]

As a Republican from Nebrasdaho or wherever the fuck, Larry Craig was a tireless champion of power companies and logging concerns, and he never stopped fighting the powerful salmon interests. That’s right, salmon — you might know them as the harmless smoked fish Larry King puts on his bagels, when he is making bagels, but in real life Big Salmon has a stranglehold on our government and industry, preventing upstanding American companies from building big dams that power our baby monitors and puppy-grooming machines. But with Larry resigning in disgrace for the “crime” of soliciting public sex with an undercover cop, these salmon may soon be free to infest the Snake River with their disgusting spawn. That’s why we all need to support Senator Craig in his latest campaign: the campaign to not actually resign. MORE »

Here he is, America’s Mayor of Terrorism, dressed up in a fucking weird costume again. Oh, and berating a zoo animal for being on welfare — ha ha, it’s funny because of all the blacks on welfare! No wait, it’s racist because he’s dressed up as … John Travolta in Battleship Scientologia? We don’t know. But it’s definitely stupid and offensive so you can bet there are about a thousand similar clips floating around — in fact, there’s a whole movie collection of this crap called Giuliani Time, and that’s where we got this clip.

Big Cat Rudy Giuliani [YouTube]