Tag Archives: animals

  i thought you didn't feed the animals

Literally Thousands Of RNC Convention-Goers Did Not Throw Peanuts At A Black Woman And Call Her An Animal

After last night’s stirring RNC tribute to small business people who did not receive any help from the government except for government loans and grants and a taxpayer-funded stage to pimp their businesses, it is difficult to be more inspired than we already are. But here is a positive, hopeful story that will put a spring in your step and some salt on your nuts. Read more on Literally Thousands Of RNC Convention-Goers Did Not Throw Peanuts At A Black Woman And Call Her An Animal…
  flotus files

Bo Obama Wears Bunny Ears Almost Long Enough to Distract From Michelle Obama’s New Hairstyle

Coming off a very sparkly appearance at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards last weekend (that’s the one where they commemorate all their teevee stars who are now teen mothers and/or using heroin, and then Justin Bieber dumps lime green human waste on everyone, we think!) our FLOTUS is working it for the spotlight this month. Her Easter plans are shaping up to provide quite the elitist celebration, but while she waits for the big day to arrive, our Michelle is making sure to bring her Easter tidings to those who need it the most: The Troops! Michelle and Bo Obama visited Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Wednesday for some Easter fun, and although Michelle debuted a new hair style (it’s flippy!), the major fashion statement of the day was made when Bo was forced to wear bunny ears. Hello, animal cross-dressing, next phase in the crazy Obama librul agenda! Read more on Bo Obama Wears Bunny Ears Almost Long Enough to Distract From Michelle Obama’s New Hairstyle…
  this has nothing to do with the election

Mitt Romney’s Son Kept Fish In Water Bottle During Cross Country Trip

Animal people listen up! Mitt Romney’s son Craig, of shirtless fame, kept a lil’ fish in his water bottle during his 2009 cross-country trip, just like they strapped that dog on the roof. But is it really “just like” that? No one cares about a fucking fish. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Son Kept Fish In Water Bottle During Cross Country Trip…
  fortunately it's not as bad on altavista

Mitt Romney’s Google Results Sabotaged With Dog Poop

Your Wonkette was performing its routine of googling “Romney” at the start of each morning for daily affirmation when lo, what was this third result that appeared? “SpreadingRomney.com,” a dictionary page defining the verb “Romney” as “defecating in terror.” This refers to his dog on top of the family car. When will the Internet grow up? Mitt Romney is going to be very displeased about this, Internet. That should be punishment enough. [The Atlantic Wire] Read more on Mitt Romney’s Google Results Sabotaged With Dog Poop…
  endangered species

Jon Huntsman Donating To Himself For a Few Days

Republican fringe-moderate candidate Jon Huntsman sent out an e-mail to supporters the other day announcing that he would match any donations received until midnight on January 4, that being the first day of the rest our lives following tonight’s roll in the Iowa hay. While perfectly legal — there’s no limit to the amount of capital gains a bajillionaire can sink into his or her (her!!) political campaign — it doesn’t feel or sound or smell legal. “I am adding a wrinkle,” Huntsman wrote. A wrinkle? Read more on Jon Huntsman Donating To Himself For a Few Days…
  fourth horseman

Cops Now Hunting Escaped Zoo Monsters

How are things in the American Heartland this morning? Very terrible, according to this video news report from … a comedy blog? A superhero musical? No, it’s from the Associated Press. Read more on Cops Now Hunting Escaped Zoo Monsters…
  somebody call glenn beck

Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee

The police around Tennessee’s state capitol building must have thought a cute dog walking around the grounds posed no threat to democracy. But they were wrong! Poor state Rep. Joanne Favors, a survivor of a “huge dog” that was walking around the capitol plaza, is revealing on the floor of the legislature what sounds to us like a major threat. THAT PLAZA IS THE CITIZENS’ PLAZA. IT IS NOT FOR DOGS. Is a cabal of dogs and perhaps other animals working on a coup d’etat? Read more on Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee…
  it's morning in america

Sarah Palin Receives Massive Disrespect From Wisconsin Bolshies

Mama Sasquatch made a rare appearance in Soviet-occupied Wisconsin, where she won over the audience (mostly greedy schoolteachers and truck drivers) with lines like “Hey, folks! [Walker’s] trying to save your jobs and your pensions! Your governor did the right thing and you won! And people still have their jobs!” She had to yell these things into the microphone, because the crowd was just cold-booin’ her and banging on cowbells the entire time. (YouTube proof.) Anyway, you communists are rude! Get some manners, and then a job. During her stand-up routine, Palin claimed that Walker was “working to solve Wisconsin’s long-term budget problems so it can honor pension commitments to public workers.” Apparently she didn’t get the memo (Blackberry Sext Message) informing her that Scott Walker told Congress — on C-SPAN Live! — that union-busting saves Wisconsin $0. Nothing. Not even enough for a penny candy. Uh, Andrew Breitbart was also there. Ew. [Crooks and Liars] Read more on Sarah Palin Receives Massive Disrespect From Wisconsin Bolshies… Read more on Sarah Palin Receives Massive Disrespect From Wisconsin Bolshies…
  Extraordinary mole rendition

Steve King Waterboards Helpless Mole Creatures

Looks like Steve King ate two servings of high-fructose Crazy for breakfast and then began to indiscriminately kill all the poor animals he could find, with his garden hose and “gig.” And in the spirit of ending things with Latin non sequitur-gibberish, rigor mortis = et cetera. [The Hill] Read more on Steve King Waterboards Helpless Mole Creatures…
  lame ways to violate your parole

Animal Rights Activist Sent Back To Prison For Facebook-Friending Animal Friends

Are you worried that “poking” people on Facebook might be a violation of your parole? Well it is, so don’t do it: The longtime radical animal liberation activist Rod Coronado has been sent back to prison for four months after a US district judge in Michigan ruled he had violated the terms of his parole. Coronado’s offense was associating with fellow radical activist Mike Roselle by accepting a friend request from Roselle on the social networking website Facebook. Read more on Animal Rights Activist Sent Back To Prison For Facebook-Friending Animal Friends…
  farcical aquatic ceremonies

Crocodile-On-Chicken Savagery To Determine Australia’s Next Ruler

We already know that the Australian election coming up this weekend is just a way to kill time until the death of Elizabeth II unleashes anarchy on the country — anarchy that can only end in “Thunderdome Law.” But now the civilized world has learned exactly how the Aussies intend to determine the winner of this election: not by casting “votes” in a dignified fashion like the good people of Florida or Iraq, but in accordance with the outcome of an act of brutal slaughter. Read more on Crocodile-On-Chicken Savagery To Determine Australia’s Next Ruler…
  rumors on the internets

George Bush Would Drink Another O’Douls If He Really Had To

The Ohio Senate has had it up to here with all the humanoid-animal demon beasts manufactured almost every day in Toledo petri dishes. [Hit & Run] George Bush loved waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. It was his favorite thing to do with Khalid, although they also had a lot of fun clearing brush together. [Think Progress] Read more on George Bush Would Drink Another O’Douls If He Really Had To…
  so why isn't child porno legal?

IT’S LEGAL TO SELL ANIMAL TORTURE VIDEOS AGAIN! Do you “get off” by watching videos in which “women in high-heeled shoes step on small animals,” and kill the animals in this fashion? Or do you prefer to fap to pit bulls tearing each other apart in dog-fight videos? Either way, America’s Supreme Court is furiously masturbating with you today, 8-1, you sick twerp. Why does Sam Alito (!) hate your American rights to watch helpless animals tortured for your repulsive amoral fetish? [Reuters] Read more on …
  uh just say it's about fox news

Whoa, Wait, Don’t Foxes EAT Kitties?

It’s always the War On Xmas somewhere, which is why we feel obligated to bring you this video of … uh, a fox trying to move in on some cat food thrown around the entrance of a building? Yeah but the cat is all I do not think so, you fuck. Anyway, don’t miss the Sunday News Chat Shows from Washington! Sure to be good ones, today. [YouTube via Choire] Read more on Whoa, Wait, Don’t Foxes EAT Kitties?…
  first cur

George Bush’s Dog, Barney, Wins War On Christmas

After dreaming about winning both an Olympic Gold Medal and golf’s Ryder Cup tournament, in two-dimensions, George Bush’s dog Barney is awoken by the president himself. “You better wake up fella,” George Bush tells the dog. “There’s a lot of work to do around here.” Then George Bush makes Barney decorate the entire White House, which he does by running around aimlessly for a few seconds. Michael Phelps is in the White House, watching, judging. Why doesn’t Mrs. Beasley ever get to do anything? Sexism. Anyway, this is a great video for America right now. [YouTube] Read more on George Bush’s Dog, Barney, Wins War On Christmas…
  killjoys

Nothing Fun Allowed At Obama’s Stadium Show

Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump. Read more on Nothing Fun Allowed At Obama’s Stadium Show…
  nation in crisis

Americans Very, Very Worried About Our Homeless… Obese Cats

This is an actual fat cat named “Chunks” who is, of course, hiding under a chair in the green room of the MSNBC studio. Here’s how this obese monster got famous: “BLACKWOOD, N.J. — Turns out, the economy is the reason a 44-pound cat found lumbering the streets of New Jersey became homeless. The Camden County Animal Shelter said the cat’s owner came forward to say she had to abandon the tubby tabby because her home was foreclosed.” Naturally, no one cares about the owner having lost her home. Read more on Americans Very, Very Worried About Our Homeless… Obese Cats…
  monsters

Game-Altering Poll: Pet Owners Prefer McCain

A new poll from the venerable AP-Yahoo partnership shows that pet owners prefer John McCain over Barack Obama, 42% to 37%. (The other 21%, we assume, support pet-loving failure Mitt Romney.) Dog owners, especially, support John McCain by a wide margin, while cat owners of course lean towards known homosexual Barack Obama. Obama owns no pets because he hates domesticated beasts. But — as the AP tells us — John McCain owns a “veritable menagerie” of creatures. Sexy! Read more on Game-Altering Poll: Pet Owners Prefer McCain…
 

Terrifying Parrot To Be Obama’s Black Vice President

Some Obama freaks have trained their parrot to speak some of Barry’s popular catch phrases, including “Yes We Can” and, well, “Obama,” which is actually just his name. The brainwashed monster also says what sounds like “Oh My Cow,” so this household is obviously a local bestiality bath house. Also: this bird is Elitist. If John McCain were buying a goddamned bird, he’d go straight for the parakeet — the Working Man’s Bird. [YouTube] Read more on Terrifying Parrot To Be Obama’s Black Vice President…
 

E-MAIL OF THE DAY: “The video of the child being attacked by the animal is very offensive, you jerks.”
 

A Delightful Menagerie Of Economic Chaos

Do you understand how the economy works? Ha ha, of course you don’t. Nobody does! Our “robust economic system” is a dense network of horrifying gambles, pyramid schemes, and pure scams that were mostly made up on the fly for short-term gain so that somebody could cash out and move to some island safe from the eventual looting. Nevertheless, our noble political cartoonists have done their best to help you understand the anarchy that is destroying your retirement fund (such as it was): by portraying it as a series of adorable animals! See the poverty zoo, after the jump. Read more on A Delightful Menagerie Of Economic Chaos…