Arkansas, our greatest state, has produced our nation’s favorite fat politicians (Mike Huckabee and Bill Clinton) while not really being part of Western Civilization. Proof? Mayor James Valley, “of Helena-West Helena,” just shut down his town’s animal shelter and set all the dogs loose in St. Francis National Forest. MORE »

Mitt Romney is, of course, primarily known for being a Crisis Manager or something. We learned of Mitt’s executive skills earlier this week when the Boston Globe described how he tortured the family dog by driving 12 hours with the hapless animal strapped to the roof of a station wagon. And when Romney’s 17 terrified kids began watched the tortured Irish Setter’s diarrhea stream down the car’s windows, Dad simply pulled over at a gas station, savagely hosed down the shit-covered dog — which was still locked in the cage on the roof — and then merrily hopped back in the driver’s seat and continued the 12-hour drive with the frightened, sick, soaking wet dog shivering in the violent highway wind. MORE »