Wonkette

Remember how Bob Dole used to be a pleasant old former politician who spent his retirement hawking little blue pills on the teevee? Well now he is very upset with Scott McClellan and let him know via the emails, which were invented several hundred years after Bob Dole first attained elective office. Quotations from his angry E-Communication after the jump. MORE »

ANGRY FLORIDA HIPPIE LEGISLATORS LOSE INTERNET: From the Miami Herald: “Partisan rancor erupted on the state House floor Friday morning as Democrats and Republicans feuded over procedural moves that led House Speaker Marco Rubio to angrily gavel the chamber quiet, order House guards to shut off Internet access and require members to quietly stay in their seats.” Meanwhile, homosexual state Rep. Bob “Twenty Dollar” Allen gets to check out Internet blowjob porn from his home! Who gets the last laugh now, moralists? [Miami Herald]

No you silly hobos, it wasn’t “runt”! We all know how angry John “McNasty” McCain is, and since he only married Cougar Cindy for her beer money and firm bum bum, they would obviously have a dysfunctional relationship. According to Cliff Schecter’s new book, The Real McCain, this one time in 1992, he went all “Hanoi” on her and called her a cunt. That is what he called her. MORE »

John McCain’s depressing tour of places where he used to be young has also reminded America of his high-school nickname, “McNasty.” Even before he was a brain-damaged old psychopath, McCain was a mean, angry creep. Let’s remember all the times Walnuts went nuts in public, so we can prepare for the inevitable campaign-trail explosion that will end his campaign to be America’s Oldest President. MORE »

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express rolls on with Day Two of his “Service to America” tour, where he goes and visits the ol’ Prohibition-era haunts of his childhood (like old, depressed men do in movies). WALNUTS! went to his alma mater — the elitist Episcopal High School — in Virginia today. All of the students had to attend and watch him reminisce about towel-slapping his pasty racist friends in the steam room after a rowdy match of Kick the Can. Then one student had the nerve to ask what the hell this crap-on-a-stick biography tour had to do with them, and WALNUTS! naturally got fresh with the ingrate. MORE »

Things are looking pretty rough in Republican fundraising circles these days…except for an elite group of operatives who accept campaign contributions in the only denomination that still holds its value in the global market: human feces. MORE »

Christ, the Pennsylvania primary isn’t until April 22 and at its current rate, the Internet will have long since committed suicide, over and over and over again. Over the last week, many bloggers have gotten so bored with the lack of actual news that they have become werewolves. Specifically, the level of violent rage directed at Hillary Clinton has reached that of Osama bin Laden in late 2001. Do not be surprised to see some of the bloggers below resort to self-immolation the next time Hillary Clinton says something on a radio show. MORE »

Bill Clinton wants to kill you. All of you. When Bill Clinton gets angry, he wants to kill everything. At least this has been the tale the last couple of weeks — rumors abound that Ted Kennedy and Rep. Rahm Emanuel, neither of whom is known for their soothing qualities, have been telling Bill to shut up before he destroys the party. But Bill Clinton has never shut up in his life. MORE »