Wonkette

The batshit crazy Washington Times published a hilarious column from creepy actor Jon Voight yesterday, and we missed it, because who reads the fucking Moonie Times, right? Fortunately a tipster has sent us the article and good freaking lord: “The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.” Many trees were killed so that they could be soaked in this ink. MORE »

Is drawing a political cartoon really so difficult? Only if you care about the results! This week in Cartoon Violence, we offer some tips on coming up with ideas for political cartoons as quickly as possible. Let’s take an over-labeled journey to an ordinary American Hell packed with cowboys and klansmen and Angelina Jolie’s lips. MORE »

St. Barack of Obama spoke to trashy supermarket tabloid US Weekly! They asked him a bunch of dumb questions — the stuff of interest to, we imagine, US Weekly readers — and he sort of held his nose and half-answered them. But what kind of underwear does our handsomest president prefer? MORE »

[Photo via The Superficial]

* Heard on the Hill: Power went out at Ritz-Carlton apartments, leaving Frank Lautenberg panicking in the darkness until he managed to stumble to a hotel. Harry Reid was fine, as he was aided in the darkness by mystical Mormon superpowers… Guilty-pleading former Ney aide Neil Volz was partying with journos earlier this month. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: ANGELINA JOLIE IS GOING TO JOIN THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS WTF. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: The TSA made Riane Rehm spray perfume onto her contacts. Hospitalization ensued… Shaq, Pat Riley both loooove Bush. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: John Kerry apparently sonned a Swift Boat donor during a Foreign Relations Committee hearing [WP]
* Shenanigans: Ted Stevens swings into action, unloads baggage from the carousel at the airport. [Politico]

* The US will participate in a little regional conference about Iraq that features just about every country the White House hates. [WP, NYT]
* Furrowed brows abound as Democrats continue to contemplate war legislation. [WP, NYT, LAT]
* Black voters continue to be drawn to Barack Obama. Also, old white men still vote for each other. [WP]
* CIA happily gives candy bars to people they’ve disappeared. [WP]
* HUD confirms there are no less than 700K homeless in the US, add, “it could happen to you!” [USAT]
* Of course, in a globalized market where one of the driving economies is beset by investors who think it’s “a slot machine,” it could happen to you. [NYT]
* Lara Croft writes letters. [WP]

George W. lost the popular vote in 2000 and won by a slim 2% in 2004, but the least-loved president has finally achieved the overwhelming victory he always wanted — one in four Americans chose him as the No. 1 villain in the whole world! Bush totally beat also-ran villains such as Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. MORE »

A new Gallup Poll proves Americans basically “admire” anyone whose name they’ve heard on the teevee. As a result, the beloved power couple George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton take the top spots in the “male” and “female” categories — both with an unimpressive and unlucky 13%. MORE »

* Fake Kitty Harris and real Fancy Ford sightings at Morton’s last night. [blah, blah black sheep]
* Plus, Angelina Jolie possibly in town, Robert DeNiro and Matt Damon in Fairfax. [DCist]
* The Smoking Ban is coming. You guys realize this was half the reason we moved here from New York, right? We’d never even heard of a “Wonkette,” we just wanted a smoke with our Manhattan. [hey pretty]
* The WABA Holiday Party is tonight from 5-8PM. [WABA]
* Give yourself that holiday bonus by making your own stationery movies. [Whatever Happened to My...]
* “I like to read the New Yorker and the Writer’s Almanac, play soccer and swim and listen to Beethoven. But I want to cavort naked with a sensual, smart, self-confident woman…” [Craigslist]

* Jon Stewart has no illusions — if he were any funnier, he’d be dead. [The Apiary] MORE »

Come now, people — let’s not let Brad and Angelina get our hopes up… MORE »

• Reliable Source: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not moving to D.C. [WP]
• Page Six: Al Franken receives a lecture after trying to question Antonin Scalia. . . Teresa Heinz Kerry said to have monopolized the bag department at Hermes. [NYP, NYP]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Antonin Scalia lashes out at the press at “off the record” panel discussion. [NYDN]
• Rush & Molloy: Bush at the turkey pardoning: “I know Marshmallow and Yam are going to feel pretty good strutting around sunny California, remembering the cold days of Minnesota.” [NYDN]
• Liz Smith: Barbara Walters is fascinated by Condoleezza Rice. [NYP]
• Inside the Beltway: Stories of Sen. George Allen, Sen. Jon Corzine, Sen. Bill Frist, Rumsfeld, Kissinger, and Bill O’Reilly appear in E.D. Hill’s new book. [WT]

Some of you wonder why the Wonk’d famous-for-DC posts don’t appear with more frequency. The sad truth is that people don’t send us much. Perhaps you don’t understand: The bar is VERY LOW. Matt Cooper in line in at Starbucks? Counts. Margaret Carlson picking up her dry cleaning? Totally. Matthew Yglesias looking lost on M Street? That too. You want more Wonk’d? Send us more sightings: . Come on, you can’t walk a block in this town without tripping over George Stephanopolous and he counts, too! In this issue: Bennett, Kidman (of course), Jenna and Barbara Bush, Scalia, Stein, Carter, Alito (8″ thick! Not the way you think.), Chalabi at Kiehls, Greenspan, Bradgalina, and, yes, Stephanopolous. After the jump.

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• Washington Whispers: Jenna Bush speaks Spanish while teaching at the Elsie Whitlow Stokes Community Freedom Public Charter School in the Mount Pleasant area. . . Joe Biden tried “serving” to Angelina Jolie. . . John Kerry may motorbike with Richard Branson. . . Kathleen Willey Schwicker to release book attacking Hillary. [USN&WR]
• Cindy Adams: Judith Miller celebrated her release at the Americana Hotel in Sag Harbor. [NYP]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Crawford resident complains about Bush to Vanity Fair. [NYDN]