Tag: angela merkel

Here Is Where To Throw All Your Cash Money For #GivingTuesday (OW! OW! STOP IT! DON’T STOP!)

OPEN UP YOUR WALLETS AND GIVE BACK, FOOLS.

Obama Builds His Own Damn Wall! Wonkagenda For Monday, November 21, 2016

Trump's empty cabinet, Obama's final farewell tour, and Texas has still has a pee pee problem. Your Morning News Brief!

Obama and Merkel: Super Friends! Yr Wonkagenda: Thursday, November 17, 2016

Obama and Merkel are super best friends, foreign leaders can't call Trump, and Nikki Haley has a job interview! Your Morning News Brief!

Sad Gary Johnson Can’t Name Any Foreign Leaders, Not Even Barack Hussein Obama

Gary Johnson is this campaign season's surprising comedy star
In this alternate universe, the Sunday NYT has a comics section

Wonkagenda: Thursday, August 18, 2016

You get in here and and read your news brief, RIGHT NOW!
What, us racist?

A Idiot’s Garden Of Brexit Hot Takes Starring Glenn Greenwald, Greg Abbott And Donald J. Trump

Bleeding-hearts have been blaming Great Britain's disastrous Brexit referendum on too-obvious factors like racist, xenophobic political parties that backed the Leave side (as if racism is even a real thing any more). Donald Trump has been taking credit for it...
Sit on it and spin, you orange baboon.

Donald Trump Loves The Gays So Much He Wants Them To Go Outside On This Nice Day

We sent Major Major Major Major to the Donald Trump Howler Monkey Circus stop in Atlanta! Word poop was flung!

Conservatives Can’t Even Call Obama A Monkey Anymore, Unfair! Your Weekly Top Ten

Oh good morning, Wonkers! It is Saturday, which means is time for your happy joyful list of the top ten posts of the week, aren't you excited about that? Pour yourself some coffee or Ovaltine or moonshine, whatever you...
Ask your parents

Reader Challenge: What Rhymes With ‘Bag Of Salted Rat Dicks’?

A German TV comic faces prison in Germany after insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdoğan on the air with a satirical poem that speculated about Erdoğan's love of sex with ungulates, among other things. Jan Böhmermann hosts "Neo Magazin" (kind of a "Daily Show" type deal,...
Pretty much what you'd expect from a guy with a pinched face

Ted Cruz Thinks Refugees Are Gross, Forgets Where His Dad’s From

In the ever-escalating competition to ignore the plight of Syrians escaping their country's civil war and to be the biggest dick about it, Canadian Sen. Ted Cruz made a solid effort Monday, saying it would be "nothing short of...
Your modern 'ethical standards' frighten and confuse me

Jeb Bush No Like Big Words

At long last we have an explanation for why Jeb! Bush fucks it up so bad every time he's asked to answer a question. BECAUSE WORDS IS HARD AND TOUGH. Big words with syllables are for ineffective fancypants elitists...
Bad president bad!

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was...

August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please

Your Wonkette was just looking at the Facebook, like we do, and we saw an article our friend had posted, written by some dork named Michael R. Strain, who is a "resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute." Already,...
Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to...

Angela Merkel Enjoys Traditional Greek Hospitality, Rage

Every crew of friends has its successful members and its fuck-ups. The latter can often be found on the former's lovely Teutonic couch, sleeping off a long night of getting wasted on ouzo and freak-dancing to the music of...

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: How The European Debt Crisis Is Like Grease Through A Goose

(Paris) Ah, the enchantment –– the boulevards, the catacombs, the long lines of tourists, the little dogs and the charming messes they leave on the pavement. I'm here in The City of Light wearing my red-white-and-blue monster truck cap...