Tag Archives: angela merkel

  Him smart

Jeb Bush No Like Big Words

He's just a simple caveman candidate
At long last we have an explanation for why Jeb! Bush fucks it up so bad every time he’s asked to answer a question. BECAUSE WORDS IS HARD AND TOUGH. Big words with syllables are for ineffective fancypants elitists like Barack Obama and John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, whereas little words, like the kinds Jeb! and his brother use, are good. He explained this in the same interview in which he said Americans wouldn’t be so poor if we just worked a million more hours per day: Read more on Jeb Bush No Like Big Words…
  Dun fell off the wagon

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

Bad president bad!
OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was caught on camera chattin’ up Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi at the G7 Summit in Germany, and he certainly appears to be holding a pack of cigarettes, doing that gesture where he’s flipping open a pack to pull one out and light up. But is he really doing that? Hard to tell! Because yr Wonkette likes to think the best of people and doesn’t like to jump to conclusions, what else might he be holding in his nicotine-stained hands? Read more on Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes…
  If you have such a crush on Peggy Noonan call her on the phone

August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please

Your Wonkette was just looking at the Facebook, like we do, and we saw an article our friend had posted, written by some dork named Michael R. Strain, who is a “resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute.” Already, we knew we were in for excessive vapidity, masquerading as Important Letters. In said article Michael explains that, due to his fine stature and many accomplishments, he prefers to be called “Mr. Strain.” Therefore, for the duration of this post, we will be calling him “Slugger.” Anyway, Slugger begins his little diatribe telling the story of how one time he was a little Catholic schoolboy, and the archbishop came to visit and said “hey, call me Archbishop Jim,” and that was completely unacceptable to Young Slugger, because his mom said you can’t call people by their first names, even if they ask: Read more on August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please…
  letter from moscow

Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!

Psst! Mr. Riley Waggaman! How can you resist Vladimir?
Greetings, American stooge monkeys! It is I, your great friend President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, once again here to speak to you on the Wonkette! Now that you have correspondent in our Motherland, is only fair that Vladimir respond. Not to worry, Mr. Riley Waggaman! Though America is safe for you once again, now that Communist President Obama has, how you say, “taken care of” Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the Russian people welcome you stay long as you like. If you are sick-home and need American face, though, perhaps you and other honored Russian guest Mr. Edward Snowden can get together for light beers and racquetball. Please to contact glorious Russian security services — er, please excuse, I mean glorious Russian foreign national outreach agency –- to set up meeting. Read more on Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Have Great Comradeship To Share With Your Wonkette!…
  quiet riots

Angela Merkel Enjoys Traditional Greek Hospitality, Rage

Every crew of friends has its successful members and its fuck-ups. The latter can often be found on the former’s lovely Teutonic couch, sleeping off a long night of getting wasted on ouzo and freak-dancing to the music of Yanni. This is sort of exactly what is happening right now between Germany and Greece, two hardcore straight-up G’s who couldn’t be more different in their approach to fiscal responsibility. While Germany was once upon a time the meanest bitch in high school, she has matured into a lovely young woman who really has her head on straight. Unfortunately, Greece, which showed such amazing promise in nursery school, has degenerated into a hot mess, the kind of gal who stumbles into work two hours late wearing a spanakopita-stained outfit from the day before. Germany is all, “Yeah, you can crash with me, but you’re gonna have to help out around the house and be in by 10 each night” and Greece is all, “You don’t fuckin’ OWN ME! You think you’re better?” and Germany is like, “Noooo…I just, um…I think it’s time someone created some boundaries for you?” All this is just to say that Angie Merkel is in Greece, and the Greeks are not psyched. Read more on Angela Merkel Enjoys Traditional Greek Hospitality, Rage…
  eating your liver with a nice chianti

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: How The European Debt Crisis Is Like Grease Through A Goose

(Paris) Ah, the enchantment –– the boulevards, the catacombs, the long lines of tourists, the little dogs and the charming messes they leave on the pavement. I’m here in The City of Light wearing my red-white-and-blue monster truck cap with the words “American Debt Crisis Observer” embroidered on it. In the sidewalk cafes I notice the French people shying away from me, due, obviously, to their deep embarrassment over the crisis and their inability to speak perfect English. I assure them that even though I’m visiting from the country most loved by God I’m not here to pass judgement. French people generally agree that the Greeks are irresponsible mouth-breathers who don’t like to work but love to spend the money they borrowed recklessly from well-intentioned banks (just like Floridians). So they deserve to have their minimum wage cut by 20%, their government workers fired by the thousands, their pensions raided, their small businesses bankrupted, and their suicide rate up 40%. Take that, lazy souvlaki eaters! Welcome to what we call the lesson of Wisconsin. Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: How The European Debt Crisis Is Like Grease Through A Goose…
  cartoon violence

Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns

By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will respond to this setback as you have with all others: by sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country. But of course, you’ll never actually do this, because it would be hard, and involve improving on those two years of Spanish you took in high school, but in case you ever get the urge to really, really make the plunge and become an ex-pat, you might want to check on the quality of the Foreigns’ political cartoons. They aren’t good! Do you really want to be looking at these in your newspaper every day? Read more on Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns…
  wagg the bog

The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort

Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music … Read more on The Pentagon Sewer Monster Is Watching You, And Joe Wilson Is Hired As A Male Escort…
  daily briefing

US Threatens Iran With Feared, Decidedly Non-Nuclear Economic Sanctions

Barack Obama demanded that Iran turn over blueprints to its underground ex-secret nuclear hideaway, and threatened to take away the US’s gas and oil investment money. Iran responded by test-firing a bunch of short-range missiles and then claiming they were medium-range missiles. Sassy/grim! [New York Times] Read more on US Threatens Iran With Feared, Decidedly Non-Nuclear Economic Sanctions…
  she wuz robbed

Sheila Bair Considered Less Powerful Than That German Broad ‘Merkel’

Boo on you, Forbes meanies, for suggesting our beloved girlfriend Sheila Bair isn’t the most powerful woman in the world. Still, #2 ain’t bad! Who rounds out the top five? Some Pepsi person, a common mineral miner, and the chief executive of Singapore’s sovereign wealth fund. In other words, a pack of nobodies who are probably a real drag at parties, all “I’ll just have a club soda with a slice of lime,” and with nothing to talk about except their work and the INSANE number of frequent flier miles they racked up last year. Sheila Bair, on the other hand, does not get along so well with Tim Geithner, which suggests she has at least the rudimentary genetic material required to grow a Soul. [Forbes] Read more on Sheila Bair Considered Less Powerful Than That German Broad ‘Merkel’…
  rumors on the internets

Meet Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Guest Editor of RedState

Barack Obama and Bundesrepublik Deutschland Wurstdame Angela Merkel had an awkward relationship in the ’80s, but now they are willing to put the past behind them and cut a deal. Prediction: Merkel gets AIG and Obama gets to massage Merkel’s muscular shoulders. It is peace for our time. [HuffPost] Read more on Meet Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Guest Editor of RedState…
  our candidates' physiques

ANGELA MERKEL INSPECTS BARACK OBAMA’S EQUIPMENT, FINDS IT SATISFACTORY: “Asked at a news conference on Wednesday what she thought of Obama, Merkel responded: ‘I would say that he is well-equipped — physically, mentally and politically.'” [Reuters] Read more on …
  city on a hill

George Bush Jr. Makes Annual ‘National Embarrassment Joke’ At G8

Oh George Bush is having quite a grand time at the annual G8 conference in Japan. He’s not molesting Angela Merkel this time, but he is embarrassing everyone: “The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: ‘Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.’ He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.” Punched the air? Best George W. Bush imagery ever. NEED SECRET VIDEO. [Telegraph] Read more on George Bush Jr. Makes Annual ‘National Embarrassment Joke’ At G8…
 

Treehugger Hillary Calls For Fake Olympics Ceremony Boycott

Hillary Clinton is TOO liberal. Today her campaign released a statement — the first among a Major American Leader — saying President Bush should boycott the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics this summer because of China’s horrible human rights record (the cause of much protesty to-do these days). She is the biggest world leader to say this since German chancellor Angela Merkel. Unlike Merkel, however, Hillary Clinton is a loser and will never run a country. You can read Hillary’s hippie latte-drinking statement about “human rights” after the jump! Read more on Treehugger Hillary Calls For Fake Olympics Ceremony Boycott…
 

Online Boors Ill-Equipped To Assess Political Hotties

Hey there, -pedia fans! Do you think that Wikipedia’s too played out and Conservapedia too gay? Then you’ll love Chickipedia, which, as if you don’t know, “is the world’s largest web-based, women-based, wiki-based database of hot chicks on the planet.” Readers input a host of detailed information for each subject, including hookups, hobbies, vices, “dudes she worked with,” and “chicks she worked with.” But while the current user base is good at supplying data on Anna Ortiz and Cameron Diaz and the like, their “Politics” category is sorely lacking! After the jump, we take you through the hellscape, and show you how you can help. Read more on Online Boors Ill-Equipped To Assess Political Hotties…
 

Bush Jets to Europe to Plan Cold War: First Blood Part II

We keep trying to build a big useless threatening mysterious missile defense system in Eastern Europe, and our bestest ally ever Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem to care for it. So he recently said he was going to point all of Russia’s decaying, decrepit nuclear missiles back at Europe. Read more on Bush Jets to Europe to Plan Cold War: First Blood Part II…