In the past few years, ancient American abolitionist pamphlet The Atlantic has grown all sorts of successful blogs on its website as part of its goal to one day, impossibly enough, compete with the Wonkette poop joke blog. And then, just last week, The Suits came in with a plan to Grow Traffic (*shudder*) even more: get rid of everyone’s favorite blogs and replace them with boring archive/tag pages for each “voice”’s impossible-to-find articles. MORE »

TODAY’S MOST IMPORTANT QUICK READ: A 4,200-word pretentious, Roman-numeral-subsectioned screed from the “Dick Cheney of TNR,” Leon Wieseltier, about how Andrew “He Links To Some Good Stuff” Sullivan hates Jews for being so Jewish, those rotten Jews. What, you don’t want to read this? Meh, just click on this Pareene thing instead. [TNR, Gawker]

SECRETS OF THE LITERARY MAGAZINES: “All in all, you get a glimpse of what succeeds online: masturbating priests, Matt Stone’s potty mouth, Sarah Palin’s gargantuan lies, taking a moment to make sense of Sarah Palin’s gargantuan lies, Chris Wallace’s fellatial non-journalism, shit-faced Brits, and stoned parents.” [Andrew Sullivan's Atlantic Monthly]

ATTN: Andrew Sullivan has postponed the Internet today. MORE »

Great news, everyone: America is now .0000000001% less insane and bigoted! Barack Obama signed a final administrative repeal today of the Jesse Helms-authored travel and immigration ban on persons with HIV/AIDS. It only took 22 years for our government to realize that the HIV virus is not the very contagious “gay flu.” MORE »

So guess what: the blogs are up in arms—or wings, for the Twitter ones??—over this latest suggestion that the blog people wear pajamas. This happens every now and again: Some politician—or anonymous Obama aide, in this case—says something that implies that pajamas have anything at all to do with the Internet. It is always extremely important that these hateful allegations are refuted because of literally infinity reasons. What if people read the blogs, but were under the impression that the people writing them were wearing sweatpants? Yeah exactly. Which is why the theme of the Internet today is: flannel and journalism are mutually exclusive. MORE »

As bait goes, this one’s too easy, and we think that celebrated marijuana pundit Andrew Sullivan knows that, but nevertheless: “I recall one marathon twelve-hour session of passion many years ago now. It was only afterwards that I realized I had barely had a single trace of an analytic thought for the longest period I could then remember. I was never happier. As I finally collapsed into my lover’s arms with the final orgasm that drained every last drop of desire or need from my body and soul, I understood for the first time why the French call coming ‘le petit mort.’” You’re welcome! [Andrew Sullivan]

ANDREW SULLIVAN 100% GAY FOR SKOALREBEL: “I thought he was kinda hot myself” — marijuana pundit Andrew Sullivan, being not sarcastic at all about the actual smartest person alive today, skoalrebel. [Andrew Sullivan, Lauri Apple illustration]

And what would a 9/11 anniversary be without mentioning celebrated British gay Catholic conservative liberal American male white adult pundit Andrew Sullivan! But this story has nothing to do with his particular archive of 2001 to 2003 insanity. It is about marijuana. He was caught smoking the marijuana by a Forest Ranger in Provincetown, Massachusetts this summer! Even though pot possession has been decriminalized in that state, silly Andrew was caught in a National Park, with its superseding laws, so that was kind of a terrible idea, to smoke drugs there. MORE »

HEROIC PUNDIT RETURNS, COVERED IN POOP: You people loved Andrew Sullivan so much when came this close to seizing the throne of Iran, last month, but then he went on vacation, leaving his blog to numerous bloodthirsty tyrants named Conor. But now he is back, and stone cold covered in shit: “This has been a bust of a summer this year on the Cape: almost no sun, an economic depression that is killing businesses and crippling real estate, and vicious hate crimes from some locals. Oh, and the sewer broke over July 4, with poo coming up out of the drains and showers and toilets. Good times.” Ah, summer with the Sullivans. [Andrew Sullivan]

• John Boehner has yet to talk to a doctor who thinks his skin in a natural, healthy color. [Think Progress]
• Yes yes, so Barack Obama used “red pill” and “blue pill” in the same sentence, which all you cultured assholes think is just so funny and ironic. Jesus Lord. Are you upset the Wachowski brothers didn’t brief Obama on health care or something? [RedState]
• Like all the other 6-foot-5 giants in the world, Matthew Yglesias is a happy man. Don’t forget the little guys, Matt! [Matt Yglesias]
• Andrew Sullivan is still “on holiday” which means the Daily Dish is still an icanhascheezburger RSS feed. [Andrew Sullivan]
• So just how bad was yesterday? You remember. You were there. It sucked. [TPM]

• Joe the Plumber was the keynote speaker at the Houston Teabag Fiesta. And here’s a fun video of him autographing female breasts with a sharpie while talking about those “damn illegals.”
  [Think Progress]
• RedState intern Michele Bachmann writes about Dealergate, and some sort of Executive Order she is cosponsoring that will outlaw the census. [RedState]
• Matt Taibbi wrote a scathing customer review about Goldman Sachs in Rolling Stone, which you should definitely check out. And now Goldman is in a bit of a PR nightmare but no sweat, they still have all of our money. [Matt Taibbi]
• Andrew Sullivan is still groovin’ out to the eight tabs of LSD he ate on Saturday. The only question that remains: is he listening to Surrealistic Pillow or Volunteers? Curious minds want to know. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Have you heard the one where Harry Reid, Al Franken and a rabbi walk into a bar? [The Caucus]

• If you thought Marion Barry could dance, think again! Because Al Sharpton is nimble as a ballerina. [Michelle Malkin]
• With all its student loans and Mongolian hordes of credit card debt, California is having a hard time paying the bills! But that hasn’t stopped the California State Legislature from jerkin’ the gherkin and debating into the wee hours about COW TAILS and other issues concerning cow anatomy, like, for example, why they have tails and we don’t? Sounds like a job for a new ad-hoc committee! Oh dear, Arnold Schwarzenegger IST SEHR ANGRY. [Hit & Run]
• Andrew Sullivan, his keyboard still dipped in Hezbollah green, continues to blog for freedom, in his bathrobe. And just like everyone else who fights the Man, Andrew Sullivan listens to the hip-hop. Behold: the KRS-One of Iran. Woop-Woop! [Andrew Sullivan]
• A few deeply concerned Republican lawmakers held an intervention for Michele Bachmann, because they were justifiably worried all the paint huffing was taking its toll. But who are you going to listen to, Michele? These Republican faggots, or Alex Jones? [HuffPost]
• The other day we reported that Matt Yglesias was writing a blog about all the fun he was having reading Infinite Jest. Well looky here! The game is the same, but the rules have changed! [Read Infinite Jest Until Ken Layne's Book Is Published]