Tag Archives: andrew brietbart

  Big Oppression

Tyrant Obama Sics IRS Goons On Poor Dead Andrew Breitbart (Still Dead)

Exactly how it works
Oh dear. Moar tyranny! Breitbart News is getting audited by the IRS, which can only mean one thing: The company is yet another victim of Barack Obama’s relentless vendetta against conservatives. Look, Barry, wasn’t personally ordering Andrew Breitbart’s murder (by “clogged arteries,” the preferred assassination technique of the health food nut in chief) enough for you? Now you have to send your IRS goons after the most respected media group in America? Read more on Tyrant Obama Sics IRS Goons On Poor Dead Andrew Breitbart (Still Dead)…
  such things as a free lunch

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Terribly Whiny Over Furloughed Government Workers’ Free Lunch

Mike Flynn, writing at Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Maximum Security Facility for the Criminally Butt-Hurt, has discovered that there are establishments in Washington DC that are offering SOCIALISMS to furloughed government workers, in the form of a delicious cocktail or a pulled pork sandwich. Mike Flynn claims he has no problem with this, since even Mike Flynn seems to realize it would be churlish to begrudge a person some barbecued meats. BUT DOES HE ACTUALLY HAVE A PROBLEM with these shiftless layabouts and their “sandwiches”? (Spoiler: HE DOES!) Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Terribly Whiny Over Furloughed Government Workers’ Free Lunch…
  the color green

Breitbart Unafraid To Ask: Why Is Oprah Winfrey Such A Racist Liar?

Did you know Oprah Winfrey “jumped into” the George Zimmerman trial, and she also has a movie coming out, and these two facts bond and twist together into a double helix of bad intent to make her the Greatest Race Hustler since the time Barack Obama was born in Kenya and dined alone, and also she is a bully and A Liar? Well John Nolte, a resident of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for the Criminally Peevish, knows this, and brings you some Words bout it. You see, recently Oprah said a shop clerk in Switzerland had refused to show her the kind of purse that should have been immediate grounds for execution in any sane world, as it was $38,000 and “too expensive” for her. For Oprah. Yeah, you probably heard about that. But the clerk? DENIES IT. And says it NEVER HAPPENED. Probably because she is real mad that the entire country of Swisstown is mad at her for embarrassing it with her Magical Profiling of the Africkan-ess. And that? Is enough for Ghost Andrew Breitbart! Read more on Breitbart Unafraid To Ask: Why Is Oprah Winfrey Such A Racist Liar?…
  incepted!

Wonkette Gets Its Name In Local Paper, Ghost Breitbart Says Girl Editor Begging For It

We understand that Yr Wonkette got a mention in the Politico Web Log Publication. It’s always fun to see our names in the paper, and we were kind of jazzed that the piece mentioned Rachel Maddow’s little crush on us. (Hi, Rachel!) On the other hand, we were also sort of surprised that the Politico guy was quite so fixated on the absence of founding editor Ana Marie Cox, who moved on to other good things in 2006. We sure hope Politico is not losing any sleep over the new season of Deadwood. But on the whole, it was a nice enough piece, for all the “Oh, you’re not doing first person Inside-the-Beltway buttsex stories anymore?” (and wouldn’t that hurt, anyway? Take off your damn belt first!) With half a million unique visitors a month (750,000 in May); enough revenue, much of it from our lovesome Readers Like You, to hire two people fulltime; and our upcoming expansion into total domination of the Arts & Entertainment blogosphere, we’re pretty happy with our more recent national focus, even if we’re no longer “instilling fear” at DC parties besides the ones we are getting kicked out of. Read more on Wonkette Gets Its Name In Local Paper, Ghost Breitbart Says Girl Editor Begging For It…
  you have nothing to fear but hitler obama

Sarah Palin ‘Lives In Fear’ Of IRS, We Wonder Why?

Former halfterm Moose Queen Sarah Palin has some Thoughts, and she has left her dumb ol’ Myface page for the Big League Pixels of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Wayward Wig Addicts to bring em at ya! Her thoughts are on the IRS, and how people “live in fear of them.” Sure, we’ll bite! This IRS scandal is especially terrible because Americans live in fear of the IRS like no other entity because this monstrous bureaucracy has the power to take your hard-earned money. Your wages are the sum of your labors; hence, the IRS has the power to steal the fruits of your labors. Average Americans live in fear of making an error on their tax returns that could cost them massive amounts of money, plus their reputation and good name. If a small business makes a mistake, the IRS can shut them down and send them to jail. You know, we hate to sound like those police state proponents who say if you’ve done nothing wrong you’ve nothing to fear, but … well. You know. We do not “live in fear” of the IRS. In fact, not to be a better citizen than you, but not only do we love jury duty, but we don’t even hate paying our taxes! We go to the post office to mail out your Shut the Fuck Up Luke Russert coffee cups, and we brag to Cheryl, the lady there, that we are going to fill like AT LEAST THREE POTHOLES, and she is welcome! Why might Sarah Palin “live in fear” of the IRS? Let’s do some hypothesizin’, dontchaknow, after the jump! Read more on Sarah Palin ‘Lives In Fear’ Of IRS, We Wonder Why?…
  brag-brag

Man Thinks He Killed Breitbart, Wants Money

There’s this guy, Chris Faraone. Thinks he killed Breitbart. Ate some acid with us one time in Charlotte. Worked at the lamented Boston Phoenix, writing about hip-hop and Occupy and Breitbart and James O’Keefe and eating acid with us. He would like some money please! Read more on Man Thinks He Killed Breitbart, Wants Money…
  i'm so excited and i just can't hide it

Why Does Ghost Andrew Breitbart Keep Stealing From The Pointer Sisters?

Remember that 1990s teevee show called The X Files, where that one good-looking cable soft-core star solved mysteries with that teensy skeptical ginger who always happened to look the other way when the crazy stuff happened, just like a pro-wrestling ref? And remember that man who smoked all the cigarettes and had all the big secrets and totally had the power to kill that cable soft-core star but never did because in his death that cable soft-core star would only become MORE POWERFUL and a MARTYR? That cable soft-core star is exactly like Ghost Andrew Breitbart, who is also like Ghost Obi Wan Kenobi in that he always shows up in the minds of heroic young conservatives to tell them to turn off their targeting computers (“facts,” “science”) and just fire straight ahead hoping to score a one-in-a-million shot with their eyes closed (“BENGHAZI!”). But even Ghost Andrew Breitbart sometimes does wrong. There’s a new documentary out, made by conservatives, that is supposed to just be about how good he was at the things he was good at: yelling, sweating, pretending videos that showed one thing actually showed something different. But the only writer left at what used to be The Village Voice noticed something funny about the movie. (The Village Voice writer wrote in fussy second-person, pretending that *you* are Andrew Breitbart, because YOU WISH): Read more on Why Does Ghost Andrew Breitbart Keep Stealing From The Pointer Sisters?…
  a black eye and feather in his cap

Daily Caller’s Menendez Hooker: I Can’t Believe We Made Up The Whole Thing (Updated!)

Next-gen rightwing journamalism Great White Hope Matthew Boyle was pretty proud when the FBI did some boring raid on some shady eye doctor allegedly organizing underage sex-hookers for New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. Boyle had been beating his horse for months over it, while no one respectable would touch it. (Your Wonkette, along with the rest of the civilized universe, does not consider itself “respectable.”) But now it is time for Boyle to figure out what his clever alibi will be as to why the woman who identified herself to Boyle’s readers as New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez’s prostitute now says she was paid money by some shady lawyer guy to read from a script when she said she did sex on New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez for money. Did Boyle get Burketted? Boyle probably did not get Burketted. (This is where Karl Rove false-flags you with memos that are identical to the memos the Army secretary remembers typing up, but MOAR PIXELZ!) At least, it seems improbable that Boyle got Burketted, since he was there for the videotaped “interview” with the lady, which he conducted himself, and in which the lady says she was reading from a script, and ALSO which does not seem to be in the story trumpeting the interview along with “VIDEO” any longer. Imagine that! Read more on Daily Caller’s Menendez Hooker: I Can’t Believe We Made Up The Whole Thing (Updated!)…
  whistling past the graveyard

Daily Caller Dances On Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Grave

Yesterday the Internet had such fun with the piling-on of Poor Ben Shapiro’s “Friends of Hamas” journabacle, and his subsequent feverish quadrupling-down. It was such fun that even Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s goosesteppers-in-arms, Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller, got in on the action this morning. And — we shit you not — they were kind of FUNNY? Included in their list of 15 nefarious organizations from whom Sad Clown Chuck Hagel might have accepted money were “Friends of Pol Pot” and “Young Americans for Genocide” and (our favorite!) “St. Judes Hospital that Does Research on Children.” St. Jude’s Hospital That Does Research on Children! THAT IS ACTUALLY VERY GOOD! But oh, would you believe it? It seems some of their readers did not quite “get” the joke. Weird! Read more on Daily Caller Dances On Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Grave…
  no apologies

Contest! Can You Parse This Ghost Of Breitbart ‘Friends Of Hamas’ Non-Retraction?

We all had a good laugh this morning at pathetic bumbler Ben Shapiro, of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Mausoleum, when it was revealed by some foxy Daily News reporter how Shapiro and The Ghost accidentally accused sad clown Chuck Hagel of being BFFs with a terror group that does not exist. And of course it was only a matter of time before Shapiro slunk off with a sad journamalism mea culpa, right? Who among us has not printed absolute balderdash made up by scoundrels? And we correct and move on! Yeah, no. Below the jump, we will reproduce the entirety ofShapiro’s explanation of why he was TOTALLY RIGHT about this terror group that does not exist, and how foxy NYDN reporter is committing crimes against journamalism. If you can understand what the FUCK he is saying, and are the first person to explain it to our satisfaction, we will give you a prize! Read more on Contest! Can You Parse This Ghost Of Breitbart ‘Friends Of Hamas’ Non-Retraction?…
  journalism means never having to say you're sorry

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Stands By His Story On Terror Group That Does Not Exist

Andrew Breitbart would be rolling over in his grave if he had ever given a good goddamn about things like “journalism” and “not making up terrorist groups that paid off Chuck Hagel.” Fortunately, those were not at the top or anywhere else on the list of things he cared about, so his corpse remains unmolested and spin-free. Apparently, so does the conscience of one Virgin Ben Shapiro, who is perfectly happy and totally content with having written the laughingstock story about Chuck Hagel taking donations from “Friends of Hamas,” which does not exist. Let’s see how he responds to this foxy NY Daily News reporter who — whoops! — accidentally made up the whole thing! Take it away, New York Daily News reporter! Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Stands By His Story On Terror Group That Does Not Exist…
  wankers

Matthew Boyle To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone, Cockblocking Bob Menendez

Hi single people! Sorry about the uber-commercialized “fuck you I’m getting laid tonight” holiday that coupled people foist on you every February. You really don’t deserve it. But take solace in at least one thing: you are not Matthew Boyle of Breitbart/Daily Tucker fame. Most normal Americans will spend the day avoiding their Facebook Feed and charging the batteries on their Hello Kitty masturbating wand for a night of tequila-fueled streaming 9 Songs on Netflix. Matthew on the other hand will be putting on his fancy “investigative journalist” fedora and spending the entirety of the night alternating between sobbing pitifully into his chalice of Mountain Dew Red Alert and furiously masturbating to the latest hot leads that he has on Senator Bob Menendez’s sex life. Read more on Matthew Boyle To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone, Cockblocking Bob Menendez…
  ghost breitbart wept

Wingnuts Furious About Three-Month-Old Veep Debate And Zzzzzzz

Bloated cub reporter Matthew Boyle is so mad you guys. Did you know that Martha Raddatz, who moderated the vice presidential debate, has close personal ties with a certain Kenyan Impostor? And that he came to her wedding to some guy she has since divorced? Because it was 400 years ago? And that neither she nor the presidential debate commission “disclosed” this to the public? Except for the 135,000 stories on Google about it, and the spokesman who addressed it? Wait, we are not in October 2012? We are in January 2013? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL WRITING ABOUT THIS??? BOYLE!!!! Read more on Wingnuts Furious About Three-Month-Old Veep Debate And Zzzzzzz…
  Passing the Baton

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Welcomes Moonie ‘Investigative Reporter’ For All Future Racism Debunkings

Lest anyone think that the continued twitchings of the Breitbart Empire represent some sort of chant du cygne, the crew at Big Government want you to know that there’s a danse macabre in the old dame yet! That is to say, just as Dick Cheney continues to feed on the souls of the living, Ghost Breitbart is still bringing in new blood. Just last week, they acquired Matthew Boyle for their important “black people are thugs” beat, and now, they’ve scored “investigative journalist” Kerry Picket from the Moonie Times. We’re pretty sure that we won’t accidentally call her “him” anymore! Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Welcomes Moonie ‘Investigative Reporter’ For All Future Racism Debunkings…
  fact-checkers gone wild

Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead

Everybody’s boo-hooing about the fact-check craze sweeping the nation, whether it’s sane, reasonable people laughing at AP’s ridiculose “fact check” that stated Bill Clinton was wrong to point out a Romney welfare ad lie, because Clinton once lied about all the intern snatch he was pulling, or the goons of Red State telling their minions that if they quote a fact checker, they will be banned. BANNED! And they don’t even have to threaten a skullfuck or call something tarded to earn that distinct honor! But someone has managed to scale the heights of fact-check crazy, and that person, obviously, is Ghost Andrew Breitbart, with his counterintuitive fact-check claiming that despite Joe Biden’s bumper sticker-ready slogan, and all evidence to the contrary, Osama Bin Laden is not in fact dead, and General Motors is not in fact alive! That, as someone recently lied because he got poontang once, takes some brass! Read more on Breitbart Takes ‘Fact-Check’ Craze To Logical Conclusion: Bin Laden Is Alive, GM Is Dead…
  sex drugs and real estate

Romney Camp To Take Up Breitbart’s Torch In Obama Vettening

Watch out, Barack Obama! You’re in for a good old-fashioned VETTENING! “[Romney] has said Obama’s a nice fellow, he’s just in over his head,” [a Romney] adviser said. “But I think the governor himself believes this latest round of attacks that have impugned his integrity and accused him of being a felon go so far beyond that pale that he’s really disappointed. He believes it’s time to vet the president. He really hasn’t been vetted; McCain didn’t do it.” Is it twue? Did Obama Hug A Black Guy? Romneyland will get to the bottom of it! “I mean, this is a guy who admitted to cocaine use, had a sweetheart deal with his house in Chicago, and was associated and worked with Rod Blagojevich to get Valerie Jarrett appointed to the Senate,” the adviser said. Read more on Romney Camp To Take Up Breitbart’s Torch In Obama Vettening…
  allahu akbar and stuff

Fox News Mixing Up All Its Scary Muslims

Egypt democratically elected her first president yesterday, Mohamed Morsi, a former member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Guidance Office and president of their Freedom and Justice Party. We say former because as soon as his election was announced, as he promised, he resigned from both of these positions in order to convince secularists and Christians that he will serve ALL of Egypt, not just his MB pals. Egyptians still wait for him to ban all alcohol, close all the bars and make all the women wear veils. Nervous jokes on Twitter included some guy’s hash dealer telling him to stock up on smoke since that may be all he can get for a while. Read more on Fox News Mixing Up All Its Scary Muslims…
  teen moms (not bristol)

Los Angeles Area High School Now Genociding Latinos By Giving Them Birth Control

What’s new in Planned Parenthood genociding? We aggregate Ghost Andrew Breitbart aggregating the Los Angeles Times for answers, and lord do we find them! Did you know Roosevelt High School, in a low-income, heavily Latino area (Boyle Heights, LA peeps), still has lots of teen motherhood? And that in order to do something about this, they are bringing Planned Parenthood on campus? And that the parents simply REFUSE to be SO ANGRY? What fresh horror is this??? Single motherhood rates among teens are down in Los Angeles County for the last several years; for teenagers 15-19, there were 29 births per thousand, vs. 37 per thousand in 2005. But at Roosevelt High School, located in a low-income, heavily Latino area, single motherhood is still out of control. So the school will now host Planned Parenthood on campus. Students do not need parental permission to receive either an abortion or contraceptive care in California. Planned Parenthood provides free contraceptive care, including a patch, a ring, pills, or a shot. “We don’t really experience the traditional narrative of angry parents not wanting access to reproductive care in the schools,” explained Planned Parenthood’s LA executive director, Sue Dunlap. “It’s really the opposite.” Our teeth, they are gnashed to stubs! Our hair, it is torn! Our 18-year-old son, he has not yet knocked anyone up in spite of his best efforts! Read more on Los Angeles Area High School Now Genociding Latinos By Giving Them Birth Control…
  shucking and jibing

Black Congresswoman Is Black

Ghost Andrew Breitbart simply does not care for this “screeching screaming song and dance” performed by Democratic (did we not already say she was black?) Congresswoman Gwen Moore. But why? What could they possibly have against this nice lady’s funny Def Jam Poetry about Scott Walker’s sleazy voter nullification and everything else he has ever done? Read more on Black Congresswoman Is Black…
 

Here Is A Painting Of Ghost Andrew Breitbart As A Nordic Knight

Patriot Depot, supplies for the conservative revolution, has what you crave, and that is seven different versions of this amazing portrait of Ghost Andrew Breitbart titled Fight. You could buy it in a pack of post cards; you could buy a giclee print; you could buy a $49.95 version, or a $3,999.95 version, because $4000 would just be a silly price to pay for this, but $3,999.95 is a steal! Read more on Here Is A Painting Of Ghost Andrew Breitbart As A Nordic Knight…
  big tents

Young Meghan McCain Speaks Ill Of Dead Andrew Breitbart, Live Michelle Malkin

Wonkette bestie Megs McCabe was on The Al Sharpton Show (because why wouldn’t she be?) and she simply does not care for the rest of her Republican party fellows treating her like a freak and a mutant just because she loves gay marriage and boning! More big tents for Megs! (Also, the Democrats do it too, Megs says, because there are no moderate Democrats anymore, mmhmm!) And who is to blame? People sowing fear and hate, specifically “hateful extremist” Ghost Andrew Breitbart and horrible hellbeast Michelle Malkin. “Those are bloggers?” Sharpton asks. Well, in a manner of speaking. Read more on Young Meghan McCain Speaks Ill Of Dead Andrew Breitbart, Live Michelle Malkin…
  dumb and dumberer

Breitbart’s Biggest Bombshell Yet: Someone Else’s SAT Scores Prove Obama Might Be Dumber Than Bush!

Ghost Andrew Breitbart never sleeps, there is too much VETTENING to be done! The latest, it will knock you out of your bobby sox, cats and kittens! But what is it? What VETTENING could keep spreading and growing, like the brain holes you get from syphilis? Oh, only THIS (prepaaaare yourselves!): President Barack Obama is hailed by his supporters and the mainstream media as one of the most brilliant men ever to hold the office. However, his refusal to release his academic records, his admitted deficiencies as a student, and his frequent factual errors–even in his chosen field of constitutional law–have cast doubt upon his supposed genius. Now, Breitbart News has established that Obama’s grades and Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) scores may have been even lower than those of his supposedly less capable predecessor, George W. Bush. May it, Ghost Andrew Breitbart? May it really? Well, as we all know, the fact that some people think it may proves how despereate the White House is, ergo Obama is tarded. But let us look at your evidence, together! Read more on Breitbart’s Biggest Bombshell Yet: Someone Else’s SAT Scores Prove Obama Might Be Dumber Than Bush!…