Hey guess what! All the news today is about the STIMULUS PACKAGE, which is too boring/complicated/serious to actually make jokes over. So it is with profound delight and relief that we find this utterly useless piece over in the New York Observer about how The Gays, as a monolithic group with a single well-defined set of tastes, all worship Andrea Mitchell, unequivocally. MORE »

• SO THERE’S THAT: A-ha, Andrea Mitchell reports that Rahm Emanuel has accepted the offer to become Obama’s chief of staff! O-ho, Andrea Mitchell is wrong! Whoa hey! Now go back to your jobs people, nothing to see here. [MSNBC]

Here is the highlight of John McCain’s big acceptance speech extravaganza last night: that time Andrea Mitchell was nearly murdered in a sneak balloon attack, and all of her supposed “friends” on the MSNBC coolly mocked her and called her “Boom Boom,” which is code for “old-timey boxing hero cut down in her prime by elitist balloons.” It is always a tragedy, for America, when news anchors have to interact with the physical world. [YouTube]

Someday Andrea Mitchell will publish her memoirs and it will be the most rollicking account of a sassy girl reporter navigating our nation’s halls of power since Barbara Walters’ book came out. It will be all about crazy three-ways with Objectivists and that time she shared a spliff with Spiro Agnew. But in the meantime, everybody is constantly being mean to Andrea Mitchell because she’s always shilling for the other guy. MORE »

Here’s a lengthy segment from MSNBC today, where lovely anchor/reporter Andrea Mitchell talks on the telephone to McCain campaign manager Rick Davis, the adult retarded child responsible for that hilarious memo yesterday about Obama’s food choices, excercise regimen and overall popularity everywhere. He’s a twit. He tells Andrea that the McCain campaign has always been positive and not Trivial; it is focused on Important Issues like offshore drilling. Andrea’s like, “you’re an idiot, you stupid idiot” and Rick’s like, “no Barry Obama is an idiot.” The best part is when they talk about peanut butter snacks 12 minutes in. Peanut butter snacks… [MSNBC]

The Obama campaign is all about IMAGE CONTROL these days and GOOD OPTICS, which is why nobody can wear a green Hamas shirt around the candidate. Now Barack Obama is stone cold ignoring the press on his Middle Eastern Hope ‘N Basketball Tour, leaving it to some military nobody to hold the camera while he shoots three-pointers when really such hard-hitting news coverage should be left to trained journalistic professional nobodies. MORE »

The only thing more painful than Andrea Mitchell’s joke about “white men can jump” is the guy in the background helpfully explaining, “Woody Harrelson reference there.”

Andrea started hinting about 10 minutes ago, but it’s now official on MSNBC and CNN: they’re both projecting Obama (or, as Chris Matthews loves to say “Barack Hussein Obama”) to win the Iowa caucuses. Andrea notes that turnout, which was expected to be about the record 150,000 people, has topped 200,000 caucusers which worked against Hillary. Young women, who Hillary has been doggedly pursuing, have been voting for Obama in droves as she feared. Also, I think Chris Matthews said that we’re all voting for Obama because we want to date him, but they were showing a picture of Obama at the time and I heard birds singing and bells ringing and missed it.

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! So you know what the best, most exciting part of last week was? Waiting for Elizabeth Bumiller’s Condiography to finally come out on Tuesday! You know what the worst, most boring part of last week was? Reading it! OMG, so boring! It was a pretty uneventful Condiweek, though, so I’ll be filling up space in this column with some alternative marketing strategies for Ms. Bumiller’s opus. I mean, just because the inside’s boring, it doesn’t mean the outside has to be! Plus! Condoleezza Rice gingerbread cookies fresh from the oven of the Washington Post! All that and Rush Limbaugh, too, after the jump!

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* After she delights and amuses Judge Walton, Andrea Mitchell will (probably) drag her ass to the Smithsonian for a book promotion/interview with Gwen Ifill. $25 at 8PM. [Smithsonian]
* Learn ballroom dancing in the “Corcoran’s famed interior.” Includes the Fox Trot, the Cha-Cha and the Tango. For you hand-sweaters, free champagne. Cocktail attire is encouraged. $45 solo, $75 for a couple at 7PM. Do it for the Tuckster, “I’m 37. I’ve got four kids. I have a steady job. I don’t do things that I’m not good at very often. I’m psyched to get to do that.” [Corcoran]
* Apples in Stereo, Casper & The Cookies at the Black Cat. $15 at 8PM. [Black Cat]
* Stellastarr and Soft Complex at the Rock & Roll Hotel. $14 at 8PM. [R&R]
* Or just stay in and lock your door and for godssake STAY OFF THE ROADS — there’s SNOW!

* Paul M. Barrett talks about cleavage and his new book American Islam. [P&P]
* $20 to see NBC’s chief foreign correspondent, Andrea Mitchell, give an “unprecedented behind-the-scenes view of the television news industry and the Washington political elite. Following the talk, she signs copies of her book, Talking Back…to Presidents, Dictators, and Assorted Scoundrels.” 7:30PM at the Corcoran. [Corcoran]
* Jake Laufer and Greg Roth at Galaxy Hut. [MySpace]