Chuck Grassley Lost A Limb At Antietam, And Sanjay Insists Anderson Cooper Has The Seven Signs Of The Aporkalypse
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
In the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress! According to some sort of ‘Save Glenn Beck’ online petition, Americans overwhelmingly chose WALMART as the symbol of our great Union! Other popular symbols that didn’t make the cut: a bald eagle clenching a Kenyan birth certificate with its razor-sharp talons, LYNNDIE ENGLAND pointing at at pyramid of naked LOLCATS, and the piano box casket … MORE »
Remember that time like a month ago when a bunch of angry wingnuts revolted against our new socialist government regime by publicly performing sex acts involving human balls? On that sacred occasion Anderson Cooper made some silly crack about how hard it is to talk when you’re teabagging, which was OFFENSIVE, and this past Sunday he had to tell an audience at UCLA that he didn’t mean to “disparage legitimate protests.” Millions of teabaggers mourned that he wouldn’t stand up for them and their deviant sexual practices. Anderson Cooper is no Edward R. Murrow, that’s for sure. [
The important conservative political philosophy bloggers at Power Line WON THE MORNING Saturday by writing a pornographic blog post about the sexual meaning of “teabagging,” which their fathers perhaps had taught them the night before. One writes, “What we’re seeing here is the ascendancy of the Low-Life Left. Vulgar, ignorant, profane and abusive, it started on the internet at sites like Daily Kos, Democratic Underground and Wonkette. Discourse at sites like these abandoned all traditional norms of political conversation.” Bah! And now that smut has made its way onto liberal cable news television outlets like MSNBC and CNN! Which leads another writer to conjecture that this sexual act is something invented by 2.5 homosexuals — Rachel Maddow, Andrew Sullivan, and Anderson Cooper — because you know how mean they are. 
Apparently your Wonkette was depicted this way on Anderson Cooper’s show last night, as part of the “angry left” along with Daily Kos and, uh, the Washington Post. Really? We’ve always thought of ourselves as WARBLOGGERS. The pull quote CNN uses, of the word “Mad” repeated three times (this is how CNN indicates that the Angry Left is “mad” about something), comes from a 
Aaron Brown was a kindly gent who hosted the CNN many moons ago. Every night Americans would drift off to sleep as he reviewed the morning papers with a dumb little rooster crowing in the background. And we all loved it because he was Aaron Brown, a very nice man, and then Anderson “Silver Fox” Cooper threw him under the bus and took his show. It looks like Aaron learned his lesson because now he has gray hair and no glasses, just like Anderson Cooper. So what’s he up to now, besides adorably swearing his face off for Observer reporters? 
Why are you reading this? Why? Do you think my liveblogging, or anyone else’s, can possibly bring more funny than 