Neocon porn pamphlet The Washington Post has a fancy new cybersolution that will aid closeted Obamatards in getting their daily fix of presidential “activities.” The sexy POTUS Tracker lets you see what President Obama’s schedule is, every day, and for a small subscription fee they will send you his dirty briefs once a month and grant you access to an exclusive web cam in the Lincoln Bedroom. “Use our interactive database to track how Obama is spending his time, what issues are getting the most attention and who is influencing the debate,” they say. This is all well and good, but why is there no mention of potty breaks in any of their fancy charts? [POTUS Tracker]

How many times has John McCain told this awful joke about sleeping like a baby? (He goes to sleep for two hours and wakes up crying, wokka wokka.) Answer: ONE MILLION TIMES. But now that he is not threatening to run our country, he does not seem so terrible! He is a pleasant, sassy older gentleman, the distant relative you like sitting next to at Thanksgiving dinner, until he has one too many glasses of sherry and starts telling you about the hot Jewess he dated back in Casablanca, during the war. [The Tonight Show]

Charming hairfaced news-geek Lothario Chuck Todd said all sorts of amazing things on Hardball last night about how John McCain and Sarah Palin appear to despise each other, and how their campaign staff are all tired and annoyed and full of hate for the world, and so on. It was wondrously candid! (Chuck Todd is in the tank, obviously.) Of course this morning the blog he co-authors had to run an unattributed sort-of retraction. Full text after the jump. MORE »

What is this crazy thing by sweater goblin Howard Wolfson in today’s Washington Post? It actually seems like an insightful and … dare we say, candid assessment of his Clinton-induced dementia and eventual Come to Jesus moment with Barry Obama. MORE »

Hillary Clinton may have conceded the Democratic presidential nomination last weekend, but that doesn’t mean her old ex-friend Dick Morris doesn’t have some more strategic advice for her! You have heard of this “Mark Penn” character, yes? The pile of human glop that would slither out in front of the teevee cameras and gurgle about Hillary’s balls or whatever, until he got fired for being a Colombian sewer-hound? It seems that Mark Penn is to blame for Hillary’s failure, which everybody knows, and now Dick Morris knows it, too. MORE »

CAMPAIGN REPORTING DERANGEMENT SYNDROME: “I have come to loathe the campaign … I loathe the incessant blogging and commenting and talking and yapping and hype … This is an ugly porridge that has been placed before us, turned rancid since the cold, pristine days of Iowa only five months ago.” [Washington Post]

According to learned graphology experts, Hillary Clinton is rigid and disciplined; John McCain has a fiery temper; and Barack Obama communicates well. These deep insights arrived after careful consideration of a few writing samples of each candidate, although any five-year-old who watches the news for two minutes might reach the same conclusion. MORE »

Oh good God is it over? Where did the nice lady in the suitjacket the color of a Crate & Barrel couch go? Now we see only Keith Olbermann in earth tones. Amazingly, he is less annoying than the Folks asking the questions in tonight’s interminable debate. MORE »

A secret cabal of historians has reached the same conclusion as millions of Earthlings: George W. Bush is the worst president ever, or perhaps second only to James Buchanan. In a shocking survey by George Mason University’s History News Network, 61% of bespectacled stack-dwellers acknowledged that their many years of research, reflection, and professional inquiry pointed to the terrible and incontrovertible fact of George Bush’s assiness. Stinging invective from Professional Historians who all but call him a paint-spackled trollop, after the jump. MORE »

So how many times has the Clinton campaign been declared over? Like 30? Today we have another slew of opinions about how and why Hillary has totally blown it, and a few lonely numbers that suggest she, like the T-1000, has yet to meet her own personal vat of molten metal. MORE »

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