• Last Thursday hundreds of helpless picnic-goers were forced to wear leis and eat lomi lomi salmon while Barack Obama lit cigarettes with a tiki torch. It was the first madrassa-themed congressional picnic, ever. [HuffPost]
• More than 200 mullet-sporting diabetics came to pastor Ken Pagano’s bring-your-gun-to-church-day and wow, nobody got shot! It was a big improvement over a similar event pastor Ken hosted at the Dallas book depository back in the ’60s. [Think Progress]
• If you’ve noticed Michelle Obama skipping around the White House eating crumpets and slicing shit in half with an enormous saber, it is because she thinks she is the Queen of England. Who will shatter her fragile heart and tell her the truth? 1,2,3 …. Not it! [RedState]
• In a new and provocative ad campaign, Amnesty International beats up women when no one’s watching, to help illustrate how sneaky domestic violence is. [Andrew Sullivan]
• The eight Republicans who voted for Cap and Trade — known in more sophisticated bohemian circles as the TR8TORS — have enraged the Teabagging Community. And now the Tea Baggin’ Patriots have rigged up a javascript Doomsday device that will detonate in two days unless the Tr8tors change their vote! [Cap And Tr8tors]

* Help out New Orleans without the promise of beads, booze, or breasts. [DailyKos]
* Futility, by any other name, would smell just as promising. [QandO]
* Amnesty International USA kicks off its annual conference today in Portland. All races and religions welcome; must appear overworked, underpaid, and fantastically smug. [HuffPo]
* The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is pretty [ripe for some drillin']. [skippy]
* Let’s just privatize the whole war in Iraq and be done with it. [Pacific Views]

* If only Jude Law would sleep with a nanny in a gerrymandered district . . . [HuffPo]
* Future Iraqi Wal-Mart Super Center, this is your cue. [AMERICAblog]
* After a long day of terror plotting, extremists just want to kick back with a little XXX porn. [The Jawa Report]
* Everybody’s buzzing about it. Michelle Malkin’s starting a conservative video-blogging network. In related news, the Columbia School of Journalism has just violently imploded. [Michelle Malkin]
* According to complicated algorithms and several parabolic curves, Amnesty International shouldn’t publish things where TI-83 users can find them. [Harry's Place]

* 80% of Americans expect a civil war in Iraq, including 7 in 10 Republicans; majorities in WP-ABC poll have no confidence in either party to find a solution. [WP]
* Democrats have failed to seize the opportunity of repeated Republican missteps; inability to settle on clear messages and strategies has hindered campaigning. [WP]
* Republican governor of South Dakota signs bill to ban nearly all abortions; doctors will face up to five years in jail for performing procedure and “legal showdown” is expected. [NYT, USAT, USAT]
* Bush seeks authority to veto individual legislative items. Bush: “These earmarks reflect special interests instead of the people’s interests.” [WP]
* Amnesty International details the ongoing torture and abuse of Iraq’s 14,000 detainees. [NYT]
* House conservatives will offer an “austere alternative” budget in attempt to gain mantle of fiscal responsibility. [NYT]
* Lawmakers’ perk of flying on corporate jets may be restricted in ethics overhaul. [USAT]
* Rep. Bill Thomas (R-Calif.) will retire. [WP, NYT, USAT]